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anyone like to hve a discuss without having a total go at me, in a situation that is not easy.

(90 Posts)
littleknownangel Tue 11-Dec-12 18:20:52

Ok have namechanged.

I had an emotional affair with a married man, which last a few months. I told him to go back to relying on his wife not me. A year passed. We bumped into each other again, and the texts started. We met up for coffee, he said he couldn't not be with me, wanted to give us a chance. I KNOW from that second I should have said then leave her first. Both of us going thru some very hard times, me with my children, him with his. Think illness and money probs.

His wife knew he had got involved with me inappropriately, but they didn't discuss it, swept it away and in that year their life carried on the same. He said, when we met up again, nothing had changed, they had grown apart and that it weren't for the kids he would not be with her. She knows now that he 'saw' me for a while, he told her, and she said that she wanted to stay together for the kids. HIs whole family have said the same.

Ok bring it up to date. I have trawled the net, looking for info on EA, on reasons they happen. Looked religiously on here for any help, but i have never found anyone or anywhere to discuss what happened to me. I know i am risking a total bollocking now, for giving in to the advances of him. But i did, and it's left me in a bad place. The upshot is i have called it a day, as despite his promises to me, that he felt very clear that his marriage is over. Now they know, (the children)that mum and dad are thinking about splitting, he says he cannot bare to leave them. Says he loves me but can't follow his heart over loyalty to his children.

This is another bit. I totally get this. If i fell in love with someone but I had to choose between that person, and leaving my children to the care of their father, and not see them every day. Well I couldn't.

My mother left my dad, and that near killed her, but the one thing she had for certain was knowing she had her babies with her.

He has said, he loves me, and doesn't love his wife anymore, and that she feels she would prefer to carry on as before for the kids too. He had told her he was leaving, they discussed that they had not been happy for along time, and she agreed that very soon the kids will leave home and their relationship was not close anymore.

So, hard as this was to write, and it prob even comes across cold in places, but it's all i can do right now because i have been properly hurt, despite trying to end it or call it for weeks. What do you think about the man being very close to his children and not being able to physically leave them. Or do you think, if things were that bad he would do it anyway? I believe there is probably something worth saving for them. Well i did more so a year ago when i told him to go and talk to her not me. They have history, and children so I guess that can be enough to have a comfortable future.
I am all over the shop with this, and i can normally write more clearly, but would like some views, or even better some experiences personal or other wise of when a marriage comes to an end, but it's the man who is most unhappy but stays. tia

melbie Wed 12-Dec-12 01:55:09

Angel I was going to post something so similar after another long conversation which has left me entirely bemused. I don't know the answers. I don't know what to do. I need to not speak to him anymore and I don't know how... Again PM if you want x

EdithWeston Wed 12-Dec-12 05:49:40

You might like to take a look at the Baggage Reclaim website. There's a huge list of posts, and quite a lot of them are about dealing with Mr Unavailable, and why you shouldn't settle for second best. They manage to be both robust and sympathetic at the same time.

Wecanfixit Wed 12-Dec-12 07:01:57

Honey YOU deserve so much more than this coming and going and indecisions of someone else, and you putting your life on hold waiting for HIM to leave his wife, take stock, you are still single , please avoid all contact with him , he is not going to leave his wife men rarely do , there is someone out there for you, you are not a bad person just vunerable and I am afraid have been caught up in something , take care and try to let him go hard though it is , you will feel so much better , this time next year you hopefully will look back and say what was all that about?, hugs to you.

MardyArsedMidlander Wed 12-Dec-12 08:43:54

Just wanted to add- having been in similar situation- that it's easy to get caught up in the drama and the idea of winning a 'prize'. But instead of thinking 'WILL HE EVER LEAVE HIS WIFE???', the question you should be asking is 'Is this really what I want? Don't I deserve more than this?'

applefalls Wed 12-Dec-12 09:04:24

He has drained the life out out of me. I tried to be the fixer, i guess. the voice of reason. why???

I totally understand what you're saying, and if you want the perspective of someone who wasted years and years on a similarly incapable of decision person, listen hard to everything you've been told here. i wish to God I'd had sense like this when I felt like I had discovered the meaning of love, rather than shoring up the ego of someone who had no iteration of ever committing to me.

Get some professional help - psychodynamic counselling might answer those questions you asked, either way you deserve someone who only wants you and he's out there.

But he'll only come along when you've spent time understanding why you're willing to settle for this guy's crap.

Good luck - let's see where you are this time next year.

littleknownangel Wed 12-Dec-12 16:37:21

i have re read this thread. I have taken in so much, and will keep coming back to it for strength. When you feel low it's hard to be subjective, and if your heart's been involved then my god it's harder.

thankyou ladies for all your input.

izzyizin Wed 12-Dec-12 16:47:16

Has it occurred to you that when it comes to him having told his wife and dw about his intention to leave them for you, you only know what he's told you and what he's told you is could be a pack of lies?

littleknownangel Wed 12-Dec-12 16:55:15

i only know what he has told me. I believe what he told her but as you say can't know for sure how he put it etc, what i don't know is what has been discussed in the last few weeks. Which must be them trying to sort thru their marriage, hence him going back on what he promised me. Hence me now ending it, as he has changed his mind, but still insists his feeling for me are true.

I again can only go on what he has said.

littleknownangel Wed 12-Dec-12 16:57:18

BUT the 'poor me' attitude from him is pathetic. Always about him. I believe he's not all there now.

izzyizin Wed 12-Dec-12 16:59:42

Wherever he is, just make sure he doesn't get any more chances of pulling the wool over your eyes being 'there' for you.

littleknownangel Wed 12-Dec-12 16:59:57

as was said further up thread. I prob gave him such a boost, being so 'lovely' and all that. All wrong for the wrong reasons.

littleknownangel Wed 12-Dec-12 17:01:46

i won't. thanks. i gave him too many chances to 'get back in' via text etc. should have ignored forever. will do that now.

HisstletoeAndWhine Wed 12-Dec-12 17:04:41

"I again can only go on what he has said"

Him, Him, Him.

What about YOU?

What about going on what YOU say, feel, want, need?

Where are YOU in all this.

HE is a gaping hole in your self esteem, a cavernous pit of NEED. You needed him to fill that gap in your self-confidence, so ignored the lies, the cheating, the ugly truth, cos you needed it more than you could bear.

This guy, even when free, would NEVER be the person to make you feel whole, how could he?

You need to work on YOU, you need to understand who taught you that you were worth next to nothing? That gap was there before he fell into it. Was it that feckless DH of yours? or did your parents treat you as an inconvenience? How did you learn to be so LOW on everyone's pecking order?

Put yourself at the TOP of your list, refuse to engage with twats, cheats, liars or arseholes. Deal only with the very best of people, surround yourself with those that love you for who you are, and are free to love you in the healthy, supportive way that we all need and deserve.

STOP talking about this man, he has done nothing but harm to you, but wrapped it all up to make himself look like a special prize.

He IS a prize. A PRIZE IDIOT.

You need to focus on YOUR future and leave him for dust. Tell yourself the truth, that none of your relationship was real. It can't be real if the other person is in a family, a marriage.

OK so you wasted time, but you will learn from this, lick your wounds and learn to NEVER settle for the crumbs from the table. that table isn't even your table.

HisstletoeAndWhine Wed 12-Dec-12 17:13:23

I know how much betrayal hurts, I lost my father to an affair, and I lost the father of my son to domestic violence. Yes, I had to come to terms with the fact that he was NOT the man I thought he was, and that he would never change. I had to write him off, sever him from my life, and I had to start all over again, fight the damage he did to my confidence, overcome the anxiety and agoraphobia it left me with. You are sad, you are deflated, but you are not in that deep dark place, so If I can get up and running, so can you! grin

I only allow good people in my life now, I can't be bothered with anyone that has any kind of issue with me, I make my choices for my own reasons and for that of my DS. If anyone raises an eyebrow? well they can walk a mile in my shoes before I'll listen to them.

2 years on, I am happier and emotionally stronger than I have ever been in my entire life. I also lost my family too in all of this, they failed to support me in any way emotionally after Ex left, in fact they called HIM to say goodbye.
I have no contact with my Dad, or my sister and am scaling back comms with my mother. I know that I deserve better people in my life than them.

Get angry, you deserve to. Once you have worked that through, you will find calm, and you will start to grow and heal.

You know you will never fall for this again.

littleknownangel Wed 12-Dec-12 17:23:47

oh for definite my ex dh left without a word, and crippled me, and treated both me and our children with nothing but contempt even after and still does. my parents were crap too, and i did feel as tho i was in the way of their happiness.

luckily, i have a loving nature, and have some very good friends. I was lonely, and he did come along in to that. i do give too much. But it's knowing who to give it too, and then its not 'too' much iyswim. It's nice and it's returned. I am learning that.

littleknownangel Wed 12-Dec-12 17:28:01

hissletoe, i was quite sorted till he came along, had worked hard on a lifetime of depression, really sorted my head out. Another life lesson has just been learnt. Don't take any shit from anyone. Honestly and i know many women say this on here, i am a very strong, fun, reliable person. Mad sense of humour and quite a deep person. spiritual i guess. my downfall is trust. i wanted to trust something after my ex i suppose. I do trust in myself now tho, more than ever.

HisstletoeAndWhine Wed 12-Dec-12 17:32:44

I would suggest that you were not as 'sorted' as you thought you were.

Your self esteem was telling you that all this was OK. You have clearly suffered both with your Ex and before. THIS is the reason you settled for something that anyone with a good strong sense of esteem would have told to keep moving.

You can get through this.

littleknownangel Wed 12-Dec-12 17:45:37

i would agree.

Corygal Wed 12-Dec-12 19:00:04

I feel very sorry for you - you've been very badly treated. Adultery or not, you've had the shitty end of the stick for some time.

The man is appalling and the only plus to all this is that he's finally out of your hair, so keep it that way.

Most men really aren't as bad as he was - try and heal for a bit and then think again about a nice new one.

HisstletoeAndWhine Wed 12-Dec-12 19:58:12

I'm 2yrs on, some therapy and mumsnet support later, I'm happier than ever. I have everything in the world, well except money and a size 8 behind.. hmm grin

I've started another relationship, 7m in now, and he's adorable. True, there were some duds online prior, but with each one I grew and learnt. Sure I got a bit hurt, but I had to toughen up a bit, was scared of everone and everything. I realised that I didn't have to put up with any crap. I can be zero BS tolerance, and those that are true, honest, and good enough to share my life, do.

Come over to the Stately Homes threads, forget about this man for now, you have more important hurts to heal.

littleknownangel Thu 13-Dec-12 09:37:00

I feel i trusted someone who has basically let me down. It doesn't mean i will not trust again, but i do feel my instincts will be better after this experience. We are always learning aren't we. He behaved like a shit, a coward and wasn't a strong enough person to even put his hands up and end this properly with me. I did, and i will continue to be me, just not give it away on a lost cause.

I am the nurturer in my family, everyone relies on me and i have learnt to step back from them. My children come first. I can't control how others 'work', i don't understand sometimes and that is frustrating, and i think it's upsetting when it's not something you feel you would do,as it's hard to move on from.

I have done alot for myself this year, lost a heap of weight, found recognition for some of my professional work. His actions and promises are for him to carry now, not me. x

badinage Thu 13-Dec-12 10:08:36

Yes but if he hadn't let you down, he would still have been a shit wouldn't he? People don't stop being shits just because it's not you personally they are letting down.

You thought you could trust someone who was evidently untrustworthy to his wife and family.

Generally speaking, if people are untrustworthy to their loved ones, they will be untrustworthy full stop. You can't cherry pick and say that it's okay as long as they are trustworthy to you personally.

You've been through a rough time, but you aren't the only victim in this sorry mess because at least you had a say in what happened. I think if you keep up this dialogue of 'I'm such a nice caring person, I don't deserve this' you'll overlook your own behaviour and choices in this and that will be a mistake. Better to find out why you were prepared to be with someone who could sacrifice his wife and family for you and deceive them.

littleknownangel Thu 13-Dec-12 10:23:53

I am looking at myself, i really am. What possessed me to even go there.

I am responsible for my part, and i don't feel sorry for myself in that way. I have helped create this.

My mother had an affair, and left my father, but is she still a shit? Just thinking outloud here. Is he a shit, a total shit? Is his wife a bit of a shit for her behaviour. I believe that each relationship is different.

littleknownangel Thu 13-Dec-12 10:29:12

What i mean is. Sometimes you trust something and it works out, sometimes it doesn't. I see friends happy with second husbands, some not. Some men leave the family and don't care about the kids (like mine) they just do what they want to do. Is that right? Or do some men stay for the kids. Is that right? My uncle stayed for the kids, and his wife has belittled him and been very selfish all their married life. Yet he stayed for the children. Just thinking like.

badinage Thu 13-Dec-12 10:38:57

His wife has been a shit because of her behaviour? What behaviour? If you mean these accusations of abuse towards her daughter, if he felt that strongly about it he would have removed his daughter from the situation. If you haven't seen this behaviour yourself, don't trust what he's saying. He is a liar after all.

He isn't staying for the kids. He's staying for him. I really think you've got to stop believing he's making some grand sacrifice here. He isn't. He's exactly where he wants to be.

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