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anyone like to hve a discuss without having a total go at me, in a situation that is not easy.

(90 Posts)
littleknownangel Tue 11-Dec-12 18:20:52

Ok have namechanged.

I had an emotional affair with a married man, which last a few months. I told him to go back to relying on his wife not me. A year passed. We bumped into each other again, and the texts started. We met up for coffee, he said he couldn't not be with me, wanted to give us a chance. I KNOW from that second I should have said then leave her first. Both of us going thru some very hard times, me with my children, him with his. Think illness and money probs.

His wife knew he had got involved with me inappropriately, but they didn't discuss it, swept it away and in that year their life carried on the same. He said, when we met up again, nothing had changed, they had grown apart and that it weren't for the kids he would not be with her. She knows now that he 'saw' me for a while, he told her, and she said that she wanted to stay together for the kids. HIs whole family have said the same.

Ok bring it up to date. I have trawled the net, looking for info on EA, on reasons they happen. Looked religiously on here for any help, but i have never found anyone or anywhere to discuss what happened to me. I know i am risking a total bollocking now, for giving in to the advances of him. But i did, and it's left me in a bad place. The upshot is i have called it a day, as despite his promises to me, that he felt very clear that his marriage is over. Now they know, (the children)that mum and dad are thinking about splitting, he says he cannot bare to leave them. Says he loves me but can't follow his heart over loyalty to his children.

This is another bit. I totally get this. If i fell in love with someone but I had to choose between that person, and leaving my children to the care of their father, and not see them every day. Well I couldn't.

My mother left my dad, and that near killed her, but the one thing she had for certain was knowing she had her babies with her.

He has said, he loves me, and doesn't love his wife anymore, and that she feels she would prefer to carry on as before for the kids too. He had told her he was leaving, they discussed that they had not been happy for along time, and she agreed that very soon the kids will leave home and their relationship was not close anymore.

So, hard as this was to write, and it prob even comes across cold in places, but it's all i can do right now because i have been properly hurt, despite trying to end it or call it for weeks. What do you think about the man being very close to his children and not being able to physically leave them. Or do you think, if things were that bad he would do it anyway? I believe there is probably something worth saving for them. Well i did more so a year ago when i told him to go and talk to her not me. They have history, and children so I guess that can be enough to have a comfortable future.
I am all over the shop with this, and i can normally write more clearly, but would like some views, or even better some experiences personal or other wise of when a marriage comes to an end, but it's the man who is most unhappy but stays. tia

littleknownangel Tue 11-Dec-12 20:01:23

yes, i know that now. He promised to leave, said he had given his marriage a go, has said all sorts. I am a trusting person. Till yesterday he still 'didn't know' till i told him that's it, enough.

I feel really ill, and i don't need this in my life. i have two kids who rely on me, no family about. I want to be happy again!

DonkeysInTheStableAtMidnight Tue 11-Dec-12 20:42:59

Then you put your energy into getting well and have a good Christmas, your DCs deserve your best and you can get past this and make New Year yours, no emotional passengers.

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange Tue 11-Dec-12 20:44:59

I really feel for you. It's horrible being in love with someone who's unavailable and I speak from experience. I agree with those who say he is unlikely to leave his wife.

You are right to see that you have to move on from this dysfunctional man. Just be grateful you haven't had a physical affair (unless you have but you don't want to say on MN and I wouldn't blame you).

In your position I would do a bit of internet dating, to boost your self esteem and take your mind off him. You could even have a bit of no-strings sex.

Good luck smile

izzyizin Tue 11-Dec-12 20:59:53

It's probable this man isn't happy with his dw and he will leave her at some point in time - but he's not going to leave her for you, honey.

You've been a bridge to how it could be for him and one day he'll walk over you into the arms of an ow

It's within our power to create happiness for ourselves. Instead of looking to others to make you happy, use this experience to learn and grow and make your life full of joy.

HisstletoeAndWhine Tue 11-Dec-12 21:12:20

I do feel for you, this tosser did a great number on you, when you were already vulnerable.

What is clear from this is that during the relationship, your self esteem/image was at rock bottom.

Hopefully, you seeing sense, ending it difinitively will start your rise back to the full potential you once had, before your H, before this poor excuse.

Spend time investing back in you. You were doing the wrong thing, now you've chosen to change that path, good for you.

Demand the best for yourself, never ever again accept second best. Aim higher. You'll get there.

bluethimble Tue 11-Dec-12 21:46:27

Be gentle on yourself. very gentle. I can relate to your situation, a lot. Keep breathing. slowly a little time passes and slowly it becomes easier to see a bit more clearly. to understand a little bit more about yourself. in every love lies the seed of our growth. xx

littleknownangel Tue 11-Dec-12 21:47:20

lovely ladies.

thankyou for inspiring me to aim higher. it is so hard when are you in the thick of it. i am glad a posted here now, it was difficult to write. x

littleknownangel Tue 11-Dec-12 21:49:17

if it would be helpful for anyone to share please do. maybe we need a little place, not to be vilified totally, but rather somewhere to share what are our experiences like this.

SnowProbs Tue 11-Dec-12 21:50:31

I dont think all married men who cite their children as a reason for not leaving their marriages are bullshitters just following a script.

I have a male friend who is in love woth a woman who is not his wife. His reason for not leaving his marriage is that 'women always get custody...and I cant bear the thought of not waking up every morning with my kids'. I think we can all identify with that, as mothers, surely?

It is unreasonable to continue cheating on your wife, or stringing an OW along, though....

littleknownangel Tue 11-Dec-12 21:52:45

have been on internet dating sites for ages. not met anyone. did have a few encounters in the early yrs of dh leaving. I have one child who has been ill and emotionally not in a good place for some time, so having 'him' to rely on was a great change in my daily life.

I feel he has done a number on me, but also still feel that he does he have genuine love for me, but it's obviously not in the right context.

LessMissAbs Tue 11-Dec-12 21:56:25

Why would he leave his wife? When he has her as security and you for fun?

And I bet he would also lose out financially.

Of course the ideal is to cut contact but you may be unable to do so. Perhaps you could try to get things more on your terms. He sounds very good at dictating the pace of this and getting his own way, so why don't you start introducing things you can and cannot do? Even if for no particular reason. For example, you can no longer see or text to him on Fridays. Or every second weekend. Or something similar.

Or meet someone else/make the bastard jealous?

littleknownangel Tue 11-Dec-12 21:57:33

snowprobs, that is the one sticking point that kills him. getting his head round that. This is why i said, i couldn't do it myself, to my children and so i understood. He has told his wife, and the teens know. He tried to explain it to them, but one was so distraught it has affected him more than he realised it would.

I feel huge guilt when i forget to send my son into school with money for some special treat. iyswim. Sounds trite, but he adores his children and it's killing him. I didn't want to be the one he chose really, if it meant he would never forgive himself.

littleknownangel Tue 11-Dec-12 21:59:40

oh we havent seen each other for months and months until about a month ago. Even then, as i said we were having an EA, we didn't go out and about. I got on with my life he with his. all the while, thinking of each other every day.

Then bam we bumped into each other. I have ended it.

littleknownangel Tue 11-Dec-12 22:00:55

my terms since we bumped into each other, were, leave. which he agreed to. looked around for somewhere to live. then hasn't.

badinage Tue 11-Dec-12 22:05:10

Look at the facts here. A year passed and you heard nothing from him. Then you bumped into him and in an amazing coincidence of timing, his marriage was at breaking point and on its last legs.

He's lying to you. He doesn't love you either. If his poor kids have had to witness the fall-out, he's not a good father either.

I hope his wife bins his sorry arse so he gets no choice other than not to see his children every day. The sad thing for her is that if she puts her kids first, neither will she - through no fault of her own.

Move on and away from characters like this. Relationships that are built on the back of someone else's misery will never be truly happy, because the people in them always know the selfishness of the other.

herhonesty Tue 11-Dec-12 22:10:18

Is it really as one sided as you make out?

badinage Tue 11-Dec-12 22:20:31

If you actually spoke to his wife or could have been a fly on the wall all this time, I think you'd get angry - very angry - about the pack of lies you've been told.

This line about not wanting to wake up without the kids is the new 'my wife doesn't understand me'. It's told to gullible women who project their own parenting values on to an utterly selfish individual. The reason it's a new but well-worn line is because men know that these days, they can get shared residence agreements. They don't want that any more than they want to leave their marriages, so they create this fantasy of being a fantastic father who can't bear not to give his kids breakfast every day. Well newsflash - his wife probably feels the same, but she's not the one fucking around with another man is she?

This man's particularly nasty for claiming his wife is abusive to their child.

If his wife is that abusive, he should go for full residence and get his daughter to safety.

But he won't will he? Either that's another lie or he's too damned selfish.

HisstletoeAndWhine Tue 11-Dec-12 22:25:06

So the fact that he won't dump his kids, but the cat's out of the bag anyway <cue wailing, chest beating,hair pulling>... Thayt is an indication to you that he's a more decent bloke?

How f*cked up is that? Where is your dignity?

You are now doing what all OW do, beginning to defend how speshul your love is, how he's torn up, anguished, tortured, all because he can't be with you. Wake up! That's all bullshit!

He's not anguished at all, he's trying to hedge his bets, but without even the spine to tell either you or his poor wife (I hope she dumps his sorry arse) the real truth.

Thing is, a slightly more decent brand of cheat would at least follow his convictions through, would see that breaking his family's heart has to lead to change. He's not doing that. Preferring to remain the tortured soul to you, with his weak and false sighs, the if only's, the what if's...

Either way he's a prick of the very lowest kind.

He's not even shit on your shoes. Stop kidding yourself that this was a great love, it was all a lie, on his ego boosting terms, on your low self esteem issues and it led you to very bad things.

Cop on, head up and stop speaking for him. Not a single one of us wants to listen to a twat of this magnitude.

garlicbaubles Tue 11-Dec-12 22:32:44

I'm sorry you've been going through this, Angel. It's hard to face logic that says the person you love is a wuss and a liar. Forgive yourself for not wanting to face it all at once.

This book will help you make sense of what's been happening: "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass.

JaceyBee Tue 11-Dec-12 22:34:18

Hi OP, I am so grateful to you for posting this as I am in a scarily similar situation. I wanted to post about it on here, and in fact I did share my story on another thread about OW a while back, where people were surprisingly kind to me, not that I deserve it. Basically I have been involved with a married guy for the last 8 months, unlike yours though our relationship was sexual.

I will pm you if that's ok, it's just that I don't want to put any details in here that could be identifying in case she reads it - they are going to counselling and trying to sort out their marriage and I don't want to jeopardise that (I know how fucked up that sounds!) I am backing right off and leaving them to sort things out one way or another. I know it's the right thing to do but I feel so broken, I am utterly bereft without him and I'm just not getting over it.

I really am taking comfort from the posts on here, I know you are right and that no contact is the only way to go but it's really, really fucking hard! I try and tell myself that I'm better of without him, that he's a liar and a cheat and probably made out that his marriage was worse than it was and all the standard 'script' stuff that these guys come out with but I still miss him dreadfully, every hour of every day. I'm just hoping that in time it will get easier for both of us.x

littleknownangel Tue 11-Dec-12 22:36:48

no he isn't is he. my dignity is rising up. i am seeing thru the swishy wishy washy flaky crap, as i read your replies.

i think i ignored my gut feeling for too long. got in a bit of a head mess. I'm off the fairground ride now.

bluethimble Tue 11-Dec-12 22:38:00

angel, some of these replies are very harsh. You alone know all the ins and outs of this. You feel he loved you, in his way. Keep hold of that, even as you move forward. Don't let some of these replies knock too much stuffing out of you. I suspect some of them do not know through experience what it's like. Be gentle on yourself and don't take all that's said on here too much to heart. Love can consign us to hell or to paradise but it always takes us somewhere. I've been to both places and now I'm on my journey to my somewhere. Give yourself some time and you'll start to be able to see your somewhere. x

littleknownangel Tue 11-Dec-12 22:40:48

if i can help i will try. i can't pm you i think you need to change your settings. There's not really anywhere to discuss this sort of thing is there. Especially if you are wanting real help in getting rid/out of something.

littleknownangel Tue 11-Dec-12 22:42:57

bluethimble. thanks. i like the way you convey things. would pm you but says you don't accept. but thankyou. have worked hard on releasing him, cutting the cords. i did it for me.

JaceyBee Tue 11-Dec-12 23:08:33

have pm-ed you smile

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