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another suspicious text messages thread

(99 Posts)
unsure2012 Sun 09-Dec-12 06:47:55

Hello - looking for advice here - have seen so many similar MN threads on this topic and now find myself in this position. I know I am going to get advice on here that I need to confront DH but I am not sure I am in the place to do that yet.

Friday night DH had works xmas do - gets in about 1.30am and into bed and falls asleep. All totally expected by me and no problem at all.

Saturday evening I am in the kitchen making a cup of tea. DH's phone is charging up there and it beeps an incoming text message. Phone is right next to me and I look at it, and, being an iphone, the text message is displayed on the screen. text message reads

"please tell me, I'm going mental here".

His phone has been in the charger in the kitchen since about midday and, being an iphone, it displays all the text messages that haven't been opened yet. The message before the one above reads

"oh my god did we um last night?" (left at 4.30 in the afternoon)

This is from a number (so not a name DH has stored in his phone). I now open his iphone (i know the code and he knows mine). I took a photo of the screen (advice gleaned from previous MN threads!) and missed the first one and have now forgotten it but rest of the convo goes:

DH "No waited and waited only left about 45 mins ago"
Mystery Person "Argh how did i stuff that sad "
DH "Dunno literally got a taxi about 1.30 obviously really looked for you :0( "

And then the other nexts Mystery Person sent that afternoon.

I dont say anything and act normal - go to bed mulling it over. DH still hasn't picked phone up from kitchen. Get up at 9am this morning as DH's turn to get up with DC. I take DC out on playdate, get back about 12.30. Check DH's phone and he has replied along lines of "No, sorry for late reply I left my phone at home" (i didn't have time to make a proper note). Not sure what his reply means as he was at home all day.

I went out this afternoon and call the number from a phone box - woman answers and i hang up.

I have never ever had any reasons to suspect or mistrust DH. I know i read his messages, but i couldn't miss the first ones i saw that flashed up on the phone. I know i should tell him what i have seen and get his explanation but not sure i can face it right now. There must be an innocent explanation for thos texts - is there? Even if DH hasn't done anything physical is there some kind of wierd relationship going on between him and this texting woman?

themaltesecat Mon 10-Dec-12 00:48:51

I'm with mirai, this is definiteyl dodgy.

Best case: she is pursuing him and he isn't interested, but in that situation I'd still expect my husband to tell me something.

mirai Mon 10-Dec-12 04:09:45

Have you found anything unsure?

TinyDancingHoofer Mon 10-Dec-12 04:36:24

I'd say there's an innocent explanation. If he were supposed to meet up with a woman but didn't, then he'd have messaged her a lot sooner or at least have been keeping an eye on his phone. Unless you already have suspicions then i wouldn't worry.

charlieandthechocolatecake Mon 10-Dec-12 04:40:47

I think the "did we um" part cancels out any innocent misunderstanding.

Sorry OP

unsure2012 Mon 10-Dec-12 05:29:40

No update yet. 6.30 pm here - DH cooking tea in the kitchen listening to pod casts so will have to wait a wee while yet before I can get to the phone.

Thanks again for the messages. I think I would have gone mad by now mulling this over on my own.

unsure2012 Mon 10-Dec-12 06:34:11

Well he's deleted the incriminating messages. There are now only two texts between him and that number. One from him sent last Friday at 1.33 pm saying "hello! Fancy meeting for lunch next week?" and her reply which says "hello. Sorry I meant to email you today but it was manic! smile " which was sent at 6.30 tonight.

I am going to have to confront him on this, aren't I? Why did he delete those messages and why doesn't he have her saved as a contact in his phone?

I may set my alarm tonight and call the number in the early hours and hope I get her voicemail where she gives her name.

SomersetONeil Mon 10-Dec-12 06:40:39

I'm sorry, it sounds dodgy to me as well...

"please tell me, I'm going mental here" and "oh my god did we um last night?"

One or the other by themselves would be pretty hard to explain away, but perhaps could be done. The two of them together? hmm Very suspicious.

I'm sorry. I hope you're able to get to the bottom of it.

SomersetONeil Mon 10-Dec-12 06:48:54

And... I have to be honest... If I found myself setting my alarm and calling numbers from my husband's phone in the middle of the night, I'd be forced to acknowledge to myself that things were in a downward slide...

Don't get me wrong. I don't think you're silly for wanting to do so - but... I dunno. I'd just rather talk to him about and try to get to the bottom of it legitimately with a bit of non-stalker-related dignity intact.

You know him better than anyone. I mean, unless he's actually really quite a nasty person, a highly accomplished liar with a distinct need to pull the wool over your eyes, then you're going to know in your gut if he's being fully open and truthful with you. If you sense he's not, then all is not well and yes, it maybe it is time to employ stealth methods.

I remember telling DH about an ex of mine snooping on my phone and he said that if the two of us were to ever get to the point of snooping on each other's phones, then things would have to be pretty bad. I don't disagree.

Again, I get why people may feel they have to do it. But if you have to do it, then in my opinion you have a pretty unhappy situation on your hands, regardless...

My advice would be to give him an opportunity to be honest with you before you go into detective mode.

CabbageLeaves Mon 10-Dec-12 06:54:29

Doesn't sound a definite dodgy exchange to me. If he'd done anything to be worried about no way would he have left his phone as he did

unsure2012 Mon 10-Dec-12 07:01:07

Thanks somerset. That's given me somethings to think about. I should be able to talk openly with him about this. I am just not sure how to start the conversation.

SomersetONeil Mon 10-Dec-12 07:12:17

That totally depends, CabbageLeaves, on the type of relationship you have.

If you're a nosey type and regularly manhandle your partner's phone and go through it, then no, he probably wouldn't risk leaving it unguarded. If you both have zero interest in each other's phones and barely register their existence, then why would he need to keep it attached to him?

2012 - I'd pretty much open it up the way you did here - by saying that his phone went and you saw the messages. Just be honest you weren't snooping. You did nothing wrong. But now you're worried, however you're sure there's a rationale explanation and you'd just like the reassurance from him.

Given that you can't un-know what you know, you want to do the decent thing and rather than start snooping know, you're sime asking him about it.

You're being utterly reasonable. If he reacts as if you're not, well, maybe you do have something to worry about. If you were to go in snooping before talking to him, you'd lose a bit of the moral high ground. This way you don't.

Good luck. smile

ErikNorseman Mon 10-Dec-12 07:14:46

Cabbageleaves people forget! I found out about my H's affair from a text that I read when he left his phone out, it's really common. He has been deleting messages as he went but he just forgot to keep his phone with him.

Distrustinggirlnow Mon 10-Dec-12 07:15:20

Yes. OP in an ideal world you would be able to talk about this openly, but in an ideal world you wouldn't have to as it wouldn't be happening.
If he has a friendship of any description with someone else, that he suspects you wouldn't be comfortable with, as soon as you mention it he will deny everything and delete all messages and emails.
You could try it and if he has nothing to hide he will immediately show you the messages and tell you all about her.
If it were me I would look at his emails as there was a reference to wanting to send one but it being 'manic'.....
No one wants to turn into a private detective but IME they deny and delete and then you are left never really knowing......
It's not a deal breaker for everyone, it wasn't for me, but I still had to know.
Hope you are ok. Sending you a brew as its too early for wineand a <<<OP>>>
Thinking of you
Xxxx

CabbageLeaves Mon 10-Dec-12 07:21:42

Fair enough Erik but its not the usual behaviour of a cheater

I delete my messages all the time (fitting the behaviour of a cheater!) I'm just an avid declutterer grin

ZenNudist Mon 10-Dec-12 07:52:17

Unsure poor you it's a real worry. Deleting messages & not putting her name in, incriminating, even if she hadn't asked about 'um'. Now he's making plans with her! I was going to say confront him as it sounded like you trusted him and he could talk to you and be honest. But now it's starting to sound like the way lots of these threads play out. Sorry sad. Might be best to use this time to gather more evidence, before he starts covering tracks even more. Watch out for him saving her name as 'Dave' or equivalent!

unsure2012 Mon 10-Dec-12 08:09:01

Well I just asked him (along the lines suggested above). I said I saw a couple of texts that me worried. I asked if he knew which texts I meant and he said no.

So I told him what I saw and he said something along the lines of "oh yes I had a weird random texts off someone I don't know. I deleted them".

I think this is my answer. He must be lying as I know he sent other texts to this person, including the one sent on Friday about lunch and then the taxi ones that got deleted.

I am just sitting at one end of the sofa stunned. I still can't quite believe the worst. What the sweet fuck do I do now. All my family are 12,000 miles away and no close friends here. I'm not sure if I have caught him at the start of anything or something has been going on for a while. (if anything).

I don't want to be on my own here, but I wouldnt want to take the DC back to the UK without their Dad.

clam Mon 10-Dec-12 08:18:18

What about saying, "No, that doesn't make sense. How come you replied to them?"

CabbageLeaves Mon 10-Dec-12 08:18:46

sad

I'm sorry. That is an out and out lie

ErikNorseman Mon 10-Dec-12 08:19:21

I'm sorry sad he's lying through his teeth.
My advice - hold your fire until you have thought it through a bit. Make sure you know what your bottom line is. Then find a time when you are both calm and uninterrupted and tell him you know he is lying. Offer him a chance to tell the truth. It may be that it was drunk flirting that went too far and he's embarrassed, and thinks that he can ignore it and it will go away. Whatever happens, if he doesn't come clean then you are stuffed.
Email those pics to an address that he doesn't know about too, so he can't get to them.

SomersetONeil Mon 10-Dec-12 08:19:54

I'm so sorry unsure.

He is clearly lying. You did the right thing by giving him the benefit of the doubt.

He has responded by lying to you. There could have been a rationale explanation for this and if there was, he'd have given it to you. Instead, he chose to lie.

I'm not sure what time of day it is where you are. Can you sleep on it?

unsure2012 Mon 10-Dec-12 08:24:41

It is 9.20 here so bed time soon. I am going to see if his phone stays any closer to him now! Think he is being short with me now and trying to make me feel like a suspicious shrew of a snooping wife. I asked what he would think if he saw texts like that on my phone and just said "I wouldn't look"

SomersetONeil Mon 10-Dec-12 08:32:49

"I wouldn't look" - that is such a telling response... Um, not the things to be focusing on, given that you were not snooping...

If these actually were random texts from an unknown, he would not be responding like that. Do not allow him to turn this around and make you out to be the one in the wrong here.

I'm guessing you're actually in the same country as me, given the time. I'm going to bed myself now but please feel free to PM me if you need to tomorrow our day time.

You haven't done anything wrong here. He has. I would really try to get some sleep and see how things look tomorrow. He knows he's been rumbled, and the way he behaves from here on in will be your guide on how to tackle this.

Un-MN (((hugs)))

mirai Mon 10-Dec-12 08:35:12

I'm with clam - just tell him straight back that of course he knows her as he replied to her. Of course he's being short with you as he's got caught and is feeling guilty. I'm so sorry sad By the way I'm only an hour behind you so I should be around if you need to talk at an 'odd' time!

unsure2012 Mon 10-Dec-12 08:41:41

Thanks all. It really does help sharing this with somebody and getting kind words from strangers, so thank you.

DH gone to bed now with a migraine.

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 10-Dec-12 08:49:49

sad

Does not look good now that he's lied about the texts and instead of reassuring you, he is being short with you and has gone to bed with a "migraine" to avoid you.

All are classic behaviours of a guilty person.

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