Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I freeze up, cry & feel sick when attempting sex.

(27 Posts)
christmaswish Sat 08-Dec-12 16:38:09

I do (or did) love sex, but I'm becoming averse to it suddenly. Last night was the worst. We had a nice bath, but I was uncomfortable there, so we went to bed. I felt sick when DH started touching me, and just brushed him aside. In the end I asked him to leave me alone. I just cried.

There are issues (I've talked about them before under my regular name), but we had (sort of) resolved them, or so I thought.

Part of the problem is that I need to feel desired, special. Yet, DH rejects my advances 3/4s of the time. At the moment we are averaging less than once a week. I let my guard down with sex, it makes me feel vulnerable. It's fine when it's regular, as you bond, oxytocin helping with this, but when you know that he's going to reject you for at least another week - well it makes me clam up. I feel like a masturbatory receptacle, I scratch an itch, it's not intimacy to 'bond' us.

I think things got worse when I discovered he had signed up to a site, that a lot of other MNetters DHs had. He did show me his account after lots of threats from me, and it appears that he hadn't contacted any of the women. So his story of registering to see one of the 'girls' private pics may be genuine.

I still can't get over it though. I still feel sick, that he became obsessed with a teenage girl, then joined & possibly paid, to see her nude. The fact that he's a "red-blooded man" doesn't mean jackshit to me. He betrayed me.

What is worse - he emailed the site to his adult son (who is older than the girl), so he could look at her too. So they shared a little 'joke', looking at some pros photos. His son has been here several times since then - no wonder he doesn't respect me or our marriage. His son often makes jokes about which girls on TV his dad fancies, or wants to shag... I've never understood why DH hasn't pulled him up on it, now I know. He will be coming over the festive period, and I can't face being pleasant, not knowing that he & his dad were sharing in this betrayal.

The other thing that has happened recently is that DH told me he'd been invited to a xmas meal after work this week, so would be late. Fine, till DD1 pulled his coat down, and the invitation slip fell out - the date is the following week. I didn't tell him I knew this, but re-checked the date, and he is adamant it is this week. I'm also suspicious that he has suddenly got a verruca, never taking his shoes off anywhere but home, and has got a skin-tag thing on his willy.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Sat 08-Dec-12 17:09:03

Why on earth would you want sex with someone as despicable as that? When someone insults and offends you to the very core of your femininity the way you describe how are you meant to find them sexually attractive? When you say you need to feel desired and special that sounds like desperation borne of this cruel competition he's placed you in.... you vs the porn stars.... The fact that you keep trying, even though you feel repulsed and even though keep getting knocked back, is your pride talking

What you should expect from a partner is, very simply, 'love'. You're getting overt lies, insults, disrespect, unwanted sexual advances, possibly infidelity and STDs (willy skin tags??) .... it's an appalling list of abusive behaviour. And now he's got his son in on the act????

Have you ever spoken to someone in RL that you can trust? Would you consider contacting Womens Aid?

Molepomandmistletoe Sat 08-Dec-12 17:12:17

The only ting I can suggest is the doctors, for both mental and physical reasons.

Get yourself checked out just in case. Speak to the doc about your mental issues...DH and his son are NOT helping you at all there. Maybe councelling for you both?

I don't know what else to suggest. Personally I'd move out for a short time if you have somewhere to go while you get most of the things sorted and hopefully bring it home to DH how he's making you feel.

It sounds like hell. Hopefully someone else will be able to be more helpful than I have.

Good luck.

Mynewmoniker Sat 08-Dec-12 17:24:09

How about suggesting to your DP that you both book into Relate for counselling sessions? It would show how commited he is to keeping your relationship going and you can discuss your needs. I can't see you both moving forward without this kind of intervention.

christmaswish Sat 08-Dec-12 17:25:34

Thanks. It wasn't a porn site, I'd have felt less insecure about that, it was adultwork, the site where prostitutes advertise their 'wares'. He registered because he was obsessed with one who appeared on TV. She wasn't even that attractive, and although I'm old enough to be her mum, I certainly don't think I compare 'unfavourably' to her.

He certainly won't go for counselling, he thinks the problem is in my head.

I did try talking to him, when he rejected me for 6 months, saying I needed to feel close, after the worst thing that can ever happen to parents did happen. He refused to listen.

He accuses me of having 'moods', hopes they'll go away, and I'll STFU.

I want to point out strongly that his joining adultwork was in no way connected to anything else - it happened a couple of years ago, when I thought he loved me.

The thing with his son makes it worse. Worse now, as it just so happens that his son is going somewhere after xmas, and needs considerable kit. He hasn't saved any money, and phoned today to ask his dad for help. I can't tell you how angry I am. We are in dire straits right now. We have a bath once, maybe twice a week at most, as we simply cannot afford to heat the tank. DH is already in his overdraft. I think his son should be told where to go, especially as my son had to furnish his own flat, as I couldn't afford to help out.

This has just made me stop having any desire for DH whatsoever.

christmaswish Sat 08-Dec-12 17:27:43

Mynew Xposted. No, he won't go, he thinks it's all in my head. He happily tells me about his sexual escapades, and even has a photo of a 18-30 type holiday he went on the wall. He told me one of the women on it he slept with. He can't see how this affects me.

Molepomandmistletoe Sat 08-Dec-12 17:28:39

OK...reading your update I think the relationship is dead. Sorry.

It's time to get out, get away and move on. He doesn't care, thinks everything is your fault, shows you no respect or consideration, his son is treating you the same....

Time to do yourself a favour, he's only dragging you down.

nkf Sat 08-Dec-12 17:36:36

Time to leave. That's all there is to it. Time to get the hell out.

Lueji Sat 08-Dec-12 17:42:35

It seems to be that you don't want sex with your H, probably not sex per se.

I know I got averse to sex with STBX, but not with current bloke. Just saying.

I remember you from the adultwork thread op. Sorry you are going through this, I think you need to kick him out. I'd be very surprised if men signing up to adultwork aren't at the very least seriously considering using prostitutes. That's what the site is for, it's not porn.

AlmostAChristmasHipster Sat 08-Dec-12 17:44:35

Oh my God! I couldn't be in the same room as this man, let alone be physically intimate with him! Your body is screaming out what your brain is trying to deny!

He is disgusting. My face is going all scrunched up just thinking about him! Please listen to your body and get the hell away from him. I'd rather sleep on a friend's floor than in his bed.

Mynewmoniker Sat 08-Dec-12 17:48:27

Give yourself a Christmas gift and contact the domestic abuse helpline for assistance in chucking him out in the safest way for you. You will need their ongoing support by the sounds of it.

Mollydoggerson Sat 08-Dec-12 17:50:35

get rid of him, he sounds like an arse

FellatioNelson Sat 08-Dec-12 17:50:54

My God, he sounds vile. No wonder you don't want to sleep with him. sad Sorry, I don't know what else to say.

dequoisagitil Sat 08-Dec-12 17:51:15

What Almost said. sad

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Sat 08-Dec-12 17:52:34

The problem certainly isn't in your head. When you lose respect for someone, losing love and desire isn't far behind. To have your needs and concerns routinely rejected and belittled is demeaning in the extreme. If he insulted your relationship by joining adult network when you thought he loved you, what must he be doing now he's rejecting you and expecting you to go away and 'STFU'?

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Sat 08-Dec-12 17:53:33

He has to go....

TotesFeckingAmaze Sat 08-Dec-12 17:56:59

Sharing adultwork pictures with his son? He sounds absolutely foul. I dont blame youfor not wanting him anywhere near you.

AntiFeminism Thu 21-Feb-13 14:06:36

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Cailinsalach Thu 21-Feb-13 14:19:01

I think Auntyfeminism has got it exactly right.

Whoops, I meant wrong. Sorry about that.

(Aunty, are you a cunt? You sound like one)

targaryen24 Thu 21-Feb-13 14:21:05

He's just doing the rounds on the relationship threads. Bringing up old ones to post things of the same kind. Lovely

Angelfootprints Thu 21-Feb-13 14:21:53

Looks like we got a Troll. Ignore!

CajaDeLaMemoria Thu 21-Feb-13 14:22:41

Antifeminism, please stop going around bumping old threads with your vitriolic bile.

Honestly, take it somewhere else. YOU'VE BEEN HACKED. We get it. Move on.

AntiFeminism Thu 21-Feb-13 14:26:08

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

carmenelectra Thu 21-Feb-13 14:37:58

Mmm feminism, how does this grab you love(or mate)?

If my dp trawelled hooker sites, roped his son in too and basically took the raving piss out of me I'd take him to the cleaners.

In the meantime I'd make sure he never shagged me again and that every fucker knew what a wanker he was. And he son.

How's that for man hating? Or hating men that treat their partners like shit to be correct.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now