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Think (D)H is having an affair. Should I confront or gather evidence first?(55 Posts)
Over the last few months DH has become surgically attached to his phone - slips it in his pocket whenever he leaves the room. He had recently got an iPhone so initially thought he was just keeping it protected from DD who loves a phone.
However bided my time and I know it's naughty but earlier this week he left it unattended so I looked. There is a friend of his that he has texted 4-5 times every day. Nothing totally incriminating but very jokey and most nights there is a 'night night you' text which is inappropriate I think. She is married and lives 90 mins or so away so really don't think there is an scope for physical action except for one night when he met her for dinner at a hotel (pre me seeing the texts and I've always trusted him 100% so nothing to worry about I thought). However I do not know what time he came home - 2am he says but I was asleep when he got in (as I knew he would be late).
Even an emotional affair is too much for me to tollerate. Should I wait and assume he will slip up and I'll see a more 'sexual' text or would you confront now and risk him deleting anything cos he knows I'm suspicious.
I will divorce him if he is cheating
I would (and did), bide your time and wait for evidence. As hard as that is, it will make your decision easier if you do find out that he is having EA or PA. I was in the same situation with an ex. My gut instinct from the start was that all was not right and I did confront him on some issues only for him to deny everything and charm me into thinking I was the only one. I became the private investigator and eventually caught him out. I was madly in love but the decision to leave was very easy. Sadly it has stayed with me into next relationship and I have major trust issues (and have been known to snoop)
It doesn't help that OH is a flirt, watches porn, checks out other women and has in the past lied to me. I might be able to handle all of this better if I had half of the self-esteem I used to have.
I hope it turns out for you to be benign. The waiting and watching consumes you and I really do feel for you.
how is it going OP? any update?
My iPad only works when I m at home too as its connected to the wifi too
I have no idea if you can get apps for that. I can link my DHs iPhone ( and mine) to my iPad and it tracks where we are via the app. I think there are other apps that do similar ( aimed at people who lose their phone or have them stolen). It even shows up when the phone is off we discovered. Great if you both have nothing to hide! Am sure someone who knows more than me can confirm tho?
I have an iPod touch? Could I get the App on that? Although it only works when I have wifi (ie at home) so might not be that informative,
Do you have an iPad? The app 'wheresmyiphone' is great as it maps any linked iPhones. My friend caught out her lying husband ths way as he had no idea she could see where he was on the map! She tracked him for 3 weeks before confronting.
I wouldn't do the kind of "surveillance" that has potential for you to have egg all over your face. Cool and cucumber are the words that come to mind ...
I also think that SAHD for 2 months does not scream SAHD but rather looking for work. And a temporary SAHD who will not look for work screams bit-of-a-cocklodger to me. But what people like me think no substitute for proper legal advice...
p.s. if he is dragging his feet looking for work for selfish even calculating reasons, perhaps you could look at changing your hours part-time to finish at 3p.m. if helps you assume more childcare.
Anyway, legally, you have to be canny, though sounds like you are already.
That text would scream fake at me! Too probing.
But you are then banking on them calling each other 'babe.' <boak>
"hi babe, it's me. Lost my phone, so on this one for a while xxx - wasn't [date of hotel visit] wonderful. What do you remember best?'
[but then I am evil]
"You don't go to a hotel for a meal, you go to use a bedroom."
Not always - some hotels have very nice restaurants in them.
I think gather more evidence.
You could try 'tricking him' for the sake of your sanity but it might not give you hard evidence.
i was thinking something like texting him from a completely random/unknown number, something like
hi babe, it's me. Lost my phone, so on this one for a while xxx
And see what comes back.
It's vague enough that if she texts him five mins later, he will just assume it was wrong number.
Surely if he was the one in the wrong and I'd done nothing wrong the courts would be on my side.
No, who did what wrong in the marriage is not taken into consideration when considering childcare arrangements at all - only what is in the best interests of the children.
There is a way to catch out a cheat pm me and I will check you are a long time poster.
You need to get alternative childcare sorted, he has a very good chance of getting residency, as you say you will be supporting a cheat and the Catholic cheat living in your house.
Don't confront him until you get childcare sorted.
if he has only been SAHD for 2 months, then I really don't think that is long enough to give him grounds for custody....
trust your instincts... my XH had emotional affair, the first inkling I had was an email, in which he told her "you are a very clever girl to know so much".... just those words sent a shiver down my spine and I instantly started to think the unthinkable...
after XH walked out on me, I started to remember how the iphone was glued to him at all times, how OW got an iphone and he helped her to set it up, how he started staying up later than me, how he slept with the phone beside the bed.... when I checked the phone, all emails and texts between them had been deleted.
so, see if you can check his phone when he is asleep.... dont give him any idea until you have found what you want or need to, take copies of texts or emails if you can, just so you have proof.
I hope things work out for you, whatever happens
You need to see a solicitor ASAP because of risk of him getting residency by being sahd.
That would indeed be most galling
Does he go out in his car to unspecified locations? You say he was working away from home during the week, til 2 months ago- when did he have this hotel dinner, was it during the last 2 months? Could he have been seeing her before?
Will you see a solicitor anyway, to know where you stand?
If you swipe left on an iPhone you can search a name, but it doesn't bring up deleted messages. Just tried it but you could google it anyway, just delete the history after.
Legally - never assume anything.
Can I suggest - not only get legal advice - but get a second-opinion-legal-advice - in case solicitor no. 1 misses anything, important!
That way also, if you ever did need to get divorced, you would be in the position of choosing the best solicitor.
I am really with the idea of free advice or a few hundred can save you thousands of pounds in the future (plus even some of the emotional turmoil; because you will know where you stand). Don't scrimp on that. Good luck.
Kirsty - I think I need the evidence partly for me as I'm a black and white type of person and then I can leave with my head held high knowing that I could do nothing more, but also if there turned out to be a massive custody battle I think this might help?
Imperial - exactly. My biggest nightmare. Paying a cheating husband to stay at home and look after our child when actually I want to be that person staying at home with her. I've PMed you. Thanks
Be very careful about leaving while he is off work - you could end up paying for him to have the children living with him.
I would be looking at some way of monitoring what he's up to before saying anything. PM me if you want some advice on that.
Stay calm and stay in control for now. If he's a crap husband, you can bide your time.
moobrain I am so sorry you are going through this.. I went through the same a year ago
If you confront him without evidence he will deny and make you feel as though you are a paranoid idiot
Sounds as though you aren't too upset if the marriage was to end so you don't really NEED the evidence - just tell him you're not happy and it's over (but I wanted the proof myself)
Do a bit of digging and get some advice ...
Good luck and chin up - I am happier than I have been for years
I think you've hit the nail on the head. I don't know when he'll get a job. He has been sahd about 2mo now. He's had one interview but not really applying. The only reason I work full time is because he has persuaded me that it is necessary as I have stable work and he tends to do short term contracts.
If we split then I would without a doubt drop down to 3-3.5 days per week. I could still manage to survive if I bought a small house and was careful. My thinking is that if I had the definite evidence that he was cheating that I could take to a solicitor then I would just arrange to reduce my hours without consulting him and then I would be the equal carer (although the only one currently bringing money into the house).
I would want to move out as our shared house has too many memories. I'd want a fresh start. I'd want DD with me but would never deny her access to her Dad.
Surely if he was the one in the wrong and I'd done nothing wrong the courts would be on my side. Until 2 months ago he was working away Mon-Fri so I was doing full time and all the childcare. (obviously potential affair time then too though I never doubted him and he was never careful with his phone then).
So confused and tired. Perhaps I need a solicitor
What Talkative said.
Or wait until he gets a job.
I've been there and I hope that it is innocent but from what you've said it sounds like all the signs are there.
talkativeJim is right. My advice would be to meticulously plan and consider all eventualities. if he is having an affair, your advantage is that he will be busy thinking with his dick and preoccupied with covering his steps and lying through his teeth. This gives you time to plan what's best for you. It's important you see a solicitor for a one off advice session. The last thing you need is to be paying him monthly maintenance payments for the foreseeable future just because you spoke out too soon. Knowledge is power and £150 to a solicitor now could save you thousands in the future. I speak from bitter experience.
If you're able to carry on as normal now, it will be better for you in the long term - Tempting though it will be to put him out now.
There's a wealth of experience on here for you to turn to. And finally, if he is having an affair, never under estimate the lies he can tell.
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