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Think (D)H is having an affair. Should I confront or gather evidence first?

(55 Posts)
moobrain Thu 06-Dec-12 21:46:54

Over the last few months DH has become surgically attached to his phone - slips it in his pocket whenever he leaves the room. He had recently got an iPhone so initially thought he was just keeping it protected from DD who loves a phone.

However bided my time and I know it's naughty but earlier this week he left it unattended so I looked. There is a friend of his that he has texted 4-5 times every day. Nothing totally incriminating but very jokey and most nights there is a 'night night you' text which is inappropriate I think. She is married and lives 90 mins or so away so really don't think there is an scope for physical action except for one night when he met her for dinner at a hotel (pre me seeing the texts and I've always trusted him 100% so nothing to worry about I thought). However I do not know what time he came home - 2am he says but I was asleep when he got in (as I knew he would be late).

Even an emotional affair is too much for me to tollerate. Should I wait and assume he will slip up and I'll see a more 'sexual' text or would you confront now and risk him deleting anything cos he knows I'm suspicious.

I will divorce him if he is cheating

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Fri 07-Dec-12 13:10:58

"a practicing catholic"

Means nothing whatsoever. People used to think priests were utterly above reproach once, didn't they?

AmberLeaf Fri 07-Dec-12 13:49:43

Again Moobrain, so sorry you are facing this as its horrible.

I do understand the 'need' for proof. But it can be so hard to find and in looking for it you can feel like you are going crazy.

I glad that you feel positive about being single, as the fear of that and the financial concerns often stand in the way of making a break.

If you fears are confirmed or even if you feel you can't continue with the uncertainty, you will be fine.

Trust you instincts, they are based on what you see before you.

Good luck and chin up.

TalkativeJim Fri 07-Dec-12 13:50:11

But you have to be very careful here. If he is a SAHD, then there is potentially a case for him arguing to stay in the house with the kids, and have YOU support HIM while you move out...

How long has he been a SAHD, how established is this?

If it were me, I would go very carefully on mentioning divorce. If he's cheating and you want him out, I'd be making sure you get him out be insisting on a separation and him being elsewhere for a while as he has cheated, which gives you time to establish yourself as the main carer.

AmberLeaf Fri 07-Dec-12 13:51:13

Good point TalkativeJim.

Conflugenglugen Fri 07-Dec-12 14:37:09

moobrain - You say he isn't the greatest husband anyway, so my suggestion would be to act based on what you know and not what you can find out.

If you have to resort to finding evidence, then a marriage is already over. If you're right, it's over, and if you're wrong, I think you've already crossed the Rubicon ... and probably did some time before.

dervlam Fri 07-Dec-12 14:48:22

I've been there and I hope that it is innocent but from what you've said it sounds like all the signs are there.

talkativeJim is right. My advice would be to meticulously plan and consider all eventualities. if he is having an affair, your advantage is that he will be busy thinking with his dick and preoccupied with covering his steps and lying through his teeth. This gives you time to plan what's best for you. It's important you see a solicitor for a one off advice session. The last thing you need is to be paying him monthly maintenance payments for the foreseeable future just because you spoke out too soon. Knowledge is power and £150 to a solicitor now could save you thousands in the future. I speak from bitter experience.

If you're able to carry on as normal now, it will be better for you in the long term - Tempting though it will be to put him out now.

There's a wealth of experience on here for you to turn to. And finally, if he is having an affair, never under estimate the lies he can tell.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Fri 07-Dec-12 14:49:49

What Talkative said.

Or wait until he gets a job.

moobrain Fri 07-Dec-12 15:28:56

I think you've hit the nail on the head. I don't know when he'll get a job. He has been sahd about 2mo now. He's had one interview but not really applying. The only reason I work full time is because he has persuaded me that it is necessary as I have stable work and he tends to do short term contracts.

If we split then I would without a doubt drop down to 3-3.5 days per week. I could still manage to survive if I bought a small house and was careful. My thinking is that if I had the definite evidence that he was cheating that I could take to a solicitor then I would just arrange to reduce my hours without consulting him and then I would be the equal carer (although the only one currently bringing money into the house).

I would want to move out as our shared house has too many memories. I'd want a fresh start. I'd want DD with me but would never deny her access to her Dad.

Surely if he was the one in the wrong and I'd done nothing wrong the courts would be on my side. Until 2 months ago he was working away Mon-Fri so I was doing full time and all the childcare. (obviously potential affair time then too though I never doubted him and he was never careful with his phone then).

So confused and tired. Perhaps I need a solicitor sad

KirstyWirsty Fri 07-Dec-12 15:49:46

moobrain I am so sorry you are going through this.. I went through the same a year ago

If you confront him without evidence he will deny and make you feel as though you are a paranoid idiot

Sounds as though you aren't too upset if the marriage was to end so you don't really NEED the evidence - just tell him you're not happy and it's over (but I wanted the proof myself)

Do a bit of digging and get some advice ...

Good luck and chin up - I am happier than I have been for years smile

ImperialBlether Fri 07-Dec-12 15:55:51

Be very careful about leaving while he is off work - you could end up paying for him to have the children living with him.

I would be looking at some way of monitoring what he's up to before saying anything. PM me if you want some advice on that.

Stay calm and stay in control for now. If he's a crap husband, you can bide your time.

moobrain Fri 07-Dec-12 16:22:44

Kirsty - I think I need the evidence partly for me as I'm a black and white type of person and then I can leave with my head held high knowing that I could do nothing more, but also if there turned out to be a massive custody battle I think this might help?

Imperial - exactly. My biggest nightmare. Paying a cheating husband to stay at home and look after our child when actually I want to be that person staying at home with her. I've PMed you. Thanks

janelikesjam Fri 07-Dec-12 16:51:28

Legally - never assume anything.

Can I suggest - not only get legal advice - but get a second-opinion-legal-advice - in case solicitor no. 1 misses anything, important!

That way also, if you ever did need to get divorced, you would be in the position of choosing the best solicitor.

I am really with the idea of free advice or a few hundred can save you thousands of pounds in the future (plus even some of the emotional turmoil; because you will know where you stand). Don't scrimp on that. Good luck.

Lavenderhoney Fri 07-Dec-12 18:40:29

Does he go out in his car to unspecified locations? You say he was working away from home during the week, til 2 months ago- when did he have this hotel dinner, was it during the last 2 months? Could he have been seeing her before?

Will you see a solicitor anyway, to know where you stand?

If you swipe left on an iPhone you can search a name, but it doesn't bring up deleted messages. Just tried itsmile but you could google it anyway, just delete the history after.

Horsemad Fri 07-Dec-12 19:31:13

You need to see a solicitor ASAP because of risk of him getting residency by being sahd.

That would indeed be most galling sad

imdreamingofaskyebluechristmas Sat 08-Dec-12 00:11:14

if he has only been SAHD for 2 months, then I really don't think that is long enough to give him grounds for custody....

trust your instincts... my XH had emotional affair, the first inkling I had was an email, in which he told her "you are a very clever girl to know so much".... just those words sent a shiver down my spine and I instantly started to think the unthinkable...

after XH walked out on me, I started to remember how the iphone was glued to him at all times, how OW got an iphone and he helped her to set it up, how he started staying up later than me, how he slept with the phone beside the bed.... when I checked the phone, all emails and texts between them had been deleted.

so, see if you can check his phone when he is asleep.... dont give him any idea until you have found what you want or need to, take copies of texts or emails if you can, just so you have proof.

I hope things work out for you, whatever happens

MrsjREwing Sat 08-Dec-12 00:26:47

You need to get alternative childcare sorted, he has a very good chance of getting residency, as you say you will be supporting a cheat and the Catholic cheat living in your house.

Don't confront him until you get childcare sorted.

MrsjREwing Sat 08-Dec-12 00:28:33

There is a way to catch out a cheat pm me and I will check you are a long time poster.

MyLittleFireBird Sat 08-Dec-12 00:43:37

Surely if he was the one in the wrong and I'd done nothing wrong the courts would be on my side.
No, who did what wrong in the marriage is not taken into consideration when considering childcare arrangements at all - only what is in the best interests of the children.

NaiceTurkey Sat 08-Dec-12 00:43:57

I think gather more evidence.

You could try 'tricking him' for the sake of your sanity but it might not give you hard evidence.

i was thinking something like texting him from a completely random/unknown number, something like

hi babe, it's me. Lost my phone, so on this one for a while xxx

And see what comes back.

It's vague enough that if she texts him five mins later, he will just assume it was wrong number.

BadLad Sat 08-Dec-12 02:05:49

"You don't go to a hotel for a meal, you go to use a bedroom."

Not always - some hotels have very nice restaurants in them.

Abitwobblynow Sat 08-Dec-12 13:02:35

"hi babe, it's me. Lost my phone, so on this one for a while xxx - wasn't [date of hotel visit] wonderful. What do you remember best?'

[but then I am evil]

clam Sat 08-Dec-12 13:38:27

But you are then banking on them calling each other 'babe.' <boak>

AmberLeaf Sat 08-Dec-12 13:42:46

That text would scream fake at me! Too probing.

janelikesjam Sat 08-Dec-12 14:21:59

I wouldn't do the kind of "surveillance" that has potential for you to have egg all over your face. Cool and cucumber are the words that come to mind ...

I also think that SAHD for 2 months does not scream SAHD but rather looking for work. And a temporary SAHD who will not look for work screams bit-of-a-cocklodger to me. But what people like me think no substitute for proper legal advice...

p.s. if he is dragging his feet looking for work for selfish even calculating reasons, perhaps you could look at changing your hours part-time to finish at 3p.m. if helps you assume more childcare.

Anyway, legally, you have to be canny, though sounds like you are already.

AfishhCalledElvira Sat 08-Dec-12 15:35:08

Do you have an iPad? The app 'wheresmyiphone' is great as it maps any linked iPhones. My friend caught out her lying husband ths way as he had no idea she could see where he was on the map! She tracked him for 3 weeks before confronting.

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