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Think (D)H is having an affair. Should I confront or gather evidence first?

(55 Posts)
moobrain Thu 06-Dec-12 21:46:54

Over the last few months DH has become surgically attached to his phone - slips it in his pocket whenever he leaves the room. He had recently got an iPhone so initially thought he was just keeping it protected from DD who loves a phone.

However bided my time and I know it's naughty but earlier this week he left it unattended so I looked. There is a friend of his that he has texted 4-5 times every day. Nothing totally incriminating but very jokey and most nights there is a 'night night you' text which is inappropriate I think. She is married and lives 90 mins or so away so really don't think there is an scope for physical action except for one night when he met her for dinner at a hotel (pre me seeing the texts and I've always trusted him 100% so nothing to worry about I thought). However I do not know what time he came home - 2am he says but I was asleep when he got in (as I knew he would be late).

Even an emotional affair is too much for me to tollerate. Should I wait and assume he will slip up and I'll see a more 'sexual' text or would you confront now and risk him deleting anything cos he knows I'm suspicious.

I will divorce him if he is cheating

Jemma1111 Thu 06-Dec-12 21:56:20

Don't confront him now or he will try and make you feel your'e paranoid and will completely deny any wrong doing.

Gather more evidence then take him for everything you can !

TurnipCake Thu 06-Dec-12 21:56:52

What is your gut feeling telling you, moo?

Abitwobblynow Thu 06-Dec-12 21:58:32

This is what I wished I had done. Brought up in conversation what cheating meant to me (betrayal, deceit, the worst violation of marriage there is), and that here were the consequences: instant ending, no home, no family life etc.

Then looked at him and said 'I hope if you are getting in deep with someone you shouldn't be, you weigh the odds and don't lie or keep secrets from me because that will not be tolerated'.

It won't make any difference once it has started (affairs are addiction), but I ran away from what you are facing, and it made it so much worse and I hurt myself really badly witnessing an infatuation I shouldn't have had to bear.

doinmybest Thu 06-Dec-12 22:51:58

I confronted too early. I was then convinced I was paranoid. So when I kept thinking these 'paranoid' thoughts i brushed them to the back of my mind. Now he has left to be with OW Im kicking myself because it was so bloody obvious all along.
I did explain - as Abitwobbly suggested - that if I was right then thats it, no excuses, no going back, but he still convinced me it was all in my imagination. When he eventually fessed up about OW through pure guilt and 'Icant take this anymore' I told him he knew the score and therefore by continuing to see her had made his choice everytime he dropped his trousers but I still wish I had the evidence originally and not played my hand too soon. hindsight is a marvellous thing

moobrain Thu 06-Dec-12 22:52:56

What happened wobbly if you don't mind me asking. I presume your suspicions were right?

I'm fairly sure dh knows my views on infidelity. I've always shown contempt for the celebs that cheat and said things like I'd never stand for that.

Suspect he is either sailing close to the wind or doesn't think I'd be strong enough to actually go.

My gut feeling is he's def involved with her but maybe not physically. I'd never text night night to anyone else and def not nearly every night.

Are deleted texts saved anywhere on an I phone.? I don 't have one so am not sure

moobrain Thu 06-Dec-12 22:55:46

Doin - yes thinking shouldn't play my cards too soon though is sooo hard to keep quiet.

Am hoping he'll get cocky and lazy and I'll find something that cannot be explained as anything else

Flumpyflumps Thu 06-Dec-12 22:57:00

I would say bide your time there's nothing concrete there and painful as it may be you do need concrete evidence so say nothing for now.

This is just from a friend of mine who's gut was right but confronted too soon and ended up in a manipulative situation.

SpoonyFuckersWife Thu 06-Dec-12 22:57:10

so really don't think there is an scope for physical action except for one night when he met her for dinner at a hotel..However I do not know what time he came home - 2am he says but I was asleep

hmm sounds like there's probably already been some physical stuff going on, op.

moobrain Thu 06-Dec-12 23:02:35

But would it be worth it just for one occasion? I honestly do not think there has been any other chances as he is short term being sahd so would have had to take our 2 yr old along to any meet ups- so a bit of a passion killer

MrsFlibble Thu 06-Dec-12 23:11:36

Moo, it would be the first time a cheater has involved his kids in affairs, it happens and its not nice.

MrsFlibble Thu 06-Dec-12 23:11:56

*wouldnt

Brycie Thu 06-Dec-12 23:19:43

Yes I think it sounds like an affair. He's already been cocky and lazy allowing you to see those texts. Five texts a day and "night night you" is not normal.

My opinion is this: he feels safe that whatever has happened, or is happening, won't endanger or threaten his "real" life because she's married and lives a long way away. This could very well be more of a thrill that gives him a hard on than something that involves feelings and emotions, regular or planned meet ups. It may be the sort of thing that could be dropped like a hot potato if he got any sense that you knew or strongly suspected.

I only say this because this might affect the way you proceed and the actions you take. I don't know what you should do, I don't think this scenario is better or worse or anything, it's my opinion that this is the most likely scenario.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Fri 07-Dec-12 07:39:42

I think you should talk to him. You'd be amazed how easy it is to find a half hour window in your day for a quick knee-trembler.... even with a toddler in tow. Doesn't have to be all guns blazing accusatory - you can be cleverer & more subtle than that, I'm sure - but it's important you let him know that you know IYSWIM. Don't stoop to playing private investigator... if you don't trust someone, that's enough.

AfishhCalledElvira Fri 07-Dec-12 07:44:13

The Shirley glass book totally opened my eyes to the boundaries of 'normal' friendships. I can't unlearn what I know now. I'd recommend getting a copy (not just good friends)

Abitwobblynow Fri 07-Dec-12 08:00:51

Hi, Moo, my H had plenty of evidence what I thought of affairs (my reaction to the affairs in his family) - sadly we don't have any control over the issues that go on in another person. Marriages do NOT cause affairs: the internal coping skills of the person choosing to step outside his marriage is what causes affairs.

Basically what happened is I enabled two years of emotional abuse and witness his commitment and devotion to another person which is hurt that cannot be undone. If there is any recommendation I can give you, that is you MUST protect yourself (and remove yourself from his presence).

I think you do have to communicate your boundaries to him. 'This is what I think of betrayal and this is what will happen if I find you have stepped outside your commitment'. You can't do nothing and THEN zap. Speak clearly and warningly of your concerns and consequences, then zap. He might get enough of a fright to stop.

The problem is that once the contact (flirting, letting the other know they are available, finding out the other is available, extreme arousal, sex) has happened, they enter 'lust-crazed dementia'. At this stage you are dealing with addiction as powerful as crack which lasts about 2 years (see above). They become someone you do not recognise. There is NOTHING you can do, not do, say, not say, be, not be; to stop it.

So I would say for your own self respect you need to do two things:

1. communicate your boundaries
2. set your boundaries (removing him from the home) once you find the OW/proof. This is to protect YOU - I promise you, watching him not care whether you are breathing let alone hurting whilst he is clearly obsessed with another, will strip you of self-respect that makes you doubt you are worth living. Get him out!

There is a fantastic download by Linda J macdonald lindajmacdonald.com called 'what will you become'? She describes this letter as 'a hard-hitting book for people in the beginning stages of an affair who've lost their ability to be objective about the danger of an outside romance. This is my attempt to shake up a hormone-crazed spous and motivate him/her to wake up and smell the coffee before it is too late. Also useful for hurt spouses who want to understand the roles that hormones and rationalizations played in their partner's affairs'.

It is a right kick in the nuts so I hope you confront him before he gets too deep Don't close your eyes to what is happening. I would not wish my humiliation on my worst enemy - and I brought it on myself for refusing to believe that the love of my life would want anyone else.

MrsFlibble Fri 07-Dec-12 09:15:19

Moo, my partner had just a "good friend" 300 miles away, and i saw loving and sexual texts between the 2, "Night Night xxx" was aways on there with a "Good morning babe", i stupidly let it carry on for 8 months in which he left me after i was so depressed i tried to commit suicide, he left the same day.

What im saying is, if you dont like it, and it seems abnormal then it is, and if you say something, he will make you feel paranoid, my ex did.

fiventhree Fri 07-Dec-12 10:03:16

I think it is too early to confront . It is true that you don't need proof but only if you feel certain in yourself that it has happened. I don't think you are convinced, as you are not as suspicious about that hotel dinner as many would be.

My own h managed nearly 6 years of online cheating because I confronted far too early . He was careful as hell after that and whilst I never got proof I did over time reduce myself to a paranoid and depressed wreck. ANd it didn't do the kids any good either.

I would say now that your gut is almost certainly right and let's. be honest, you already have more than enough evidence. If you won't leave him without proof he has slept with her then really it would be best to wait to get it.

AmberLeaf Fri 07-Dec-12 10:08:42

You don't go to a hotel for a meal, you go to use a bedroom.

Will you leave him?

ClippedPhoenix Fri 07-Dec-12 11:24:06

I personally think you have all the evidence you need. Whether it has been emotional or physical, he's having an affair.

Rugbycomet Fri 07-Dec-12 11:27:57

amberleaf
You don't go to a hotel for a meal, you go to use a bedroom.

Will you leave him?

How I wish there was a like button!!! smile

AmberLeaf Fri 07-Dec-12 11:36:11

Rugbycomet smile

Sorry this is happening to you OP, but I think if you wait for 'proof' you may wait for a long time.

Often you never get solid proof, it is also hard from where you are to see things for what they are.

From the outside looking in, it looks like he has crossed the line.

Rugbycomet Fri 07-Dec-12 11:41:52

Op...I am not meaning to take your situation lightly but I do think amberleaf has a point.

I hope things turn out ok for you.

Distrustinggirlnow Fri 07-Dec-12 12:03:04

Don't make any hasty decisions just yet. Also, don't try and decide what u will do, because if this hasn't happened to you before, then you won't know how you will feel.
Is he still a sahd? Do emails go thru to phone? If so check his sent mail box. Don't confront too early. I did as did many other sand they just delete everything then deny it all.
If u find any emails, send them to yourself.
If he has access to a car during the day, I'd check mileage too.
Sadly amberleafs comment is correct....
Hope you're ok
Xx

moobrain Fri 07-Dec-12 13:06:51

Thanks all for so many replies.

Amberleaf - I know what you mean about the hotels. She was staying in the hotel overnight for work reasons (or so they say) and so he went to meet her for dinner as he doesn't get much adult time whilst he is being a sahd.

Distrusting - yes he does have a car. I never use his car. Ever. Don't think I could even get into it to check mileage. It is a 2 seater so I've only been in it about three times since we've had DD as we can't all get in it so we just use my car. He does have email on his phone. I will check this but again it might be another few weeks before the phone is left unattended.

I'm kind of thinking over Christmas obviously I'll be around more, we'll be drinking at times, lots will be going on and so hopefully he will become lazy and I can check the phone.

I don't want to be a private investigator but like others I'm worried if I do say something too soon he will just be ultra careful because he is a very in-control, methodical and rare to slip up type of person.

If I have the hard evidence then yes I will leave him. He's not the greatest husband anyway. I will be Ok on my own. I have a good job. I could survive financially. I think he'd be in more trouble really as he is currently between jobs. I think being a sahd is denting his confidence and this could be the catalyst for this behaviour.

The texts that I have read although not totally incriminating are definitely VERY friendly, and the night night xx really is playing on my mind. I have close male friends that I would never ever ever text in that manner or that frequently and there is noone else (male or female) that he contacts even half as often.

I've never met her, but what I've heard makes her sound like a proper wifey, a practicing catholic... but then I expect he tells me what I want to hear anyway.

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