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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Moving from friendship to something more.

50 replies

CuriosityKilledTheCrapTree · 05/12/2012 19:40

Thankyou for clicking on my self indulgent first world problem stealth boast

Split up from Uneventful marriage about 6 months ago, got back in contact with someone from my past. Always mates (he came to my wedding). Always known he had a soft spot for me back then but nothing ever happened.

Now I'm looking at him - both single. He ticks all ths boxes - really decent bloke and honestly I think he'd do anything for me. Love being in his company.

But I'm worried...

If there was supposed to be 'more' then why didn't this all happen 10 years ago.

If we get together and it doesn't work out it'd be really difficult with mutual friends etc

But god - it could be so good.

Any experience/thoughts gratefully received.

OP posts:

Report

desparatelyseekingsomething · 05/12/2012 19:47

why do you think that nothing happened 10 years ago?

CuriosityKilledTheCrapTree · 05/12/2012 19:54

Because he is 8 years older. He's a bit 'comfortable' and I was a shallow wench.

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ohfunnyface · 05/12/2012 20:08

I moved from friends to more following my marriage break down. Best thing we ever did, now expecting our first child.

As a teacher analogy (an English teacher one at that!) for an a for have to gamble- you have to do something different, a little dangerous. It could all go horrifically wrong, but if it goes right: bingo. You win. A.

Love is like that, friendship to lovers relationships are like that. It's a huge dangerous scary gamble, but if it pays off you have got the full package.

But then I'm probably massively biased as I am giddy in love and about to have a baby!

CuriosityKilledTheCrapTree · 05/12/2012 20:09

Well that's the kind of story I was hoping for ohfunny. How long were you mates? How did you know?

I need details!

Congrats on the pregnancy too.

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backonline · 05/12/2012 20:10

Because he is 8 years older. He's a bit 'comfortable' and I was a shallow wench. so now it is different which I think answers your question

CuriosityKilledTheCrapTree · 05/12/2012 20:14

But what if I'm still that shallow and I'm just stunned by the thought of having someone dote on me? I know there's no guarantees though.

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ohfunnyface · 05/12/2012 20:20

Haha!

Friends for just three years first- not massively close, but got progressively closer when I split and then moved to the same local area.

met him when we were both in relationships, knew we had a spark so kept a distance, then when my husband left and he broke things off with his gf we saw each other differently. Took a long time deciding- lots of will we won't we to start, and then just decided to jump! It's been amazing. A year on and we're just so happy and so secure in knowing this is 'right'. The unexpected baby (a first for both!) is just the perfect end to this year.

And yes we argue and have bad days- but our friendship means we understand each other and it's always quickly resolved. I think a strong friendship is the best foundation for a relationship- something I never had before and am so happy that I have now.

This is very soppy- I do apologise!

OneNiceGreenLeaf · 05/12/2012 20:22

I was friends with my now DH for about 5 years before we got together. We'll have been very happily together 10 years next summer :)

I found it quite hard going from friends to a relationship. I wasn't sure it was going to be the right thing. All our mutual friend's eyes were on us too, which wasn't very nice. There was no privacy to see how things panned out.

DH used to say "I wish we'd got together years ago". But I think it probably wouldn't have worked out then. I was a different person and wanted different things. Good luck with it. It worked for us.......

CuriosityKilledTheCrapTree · 05/12/2012 20:25

Ah lovely stories - thank-you.

The thing is - I 'did' things correctly. Met a man, loved in, got married, had 2 Dcs... and that didn't work so I guess I need to change the script?

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CuriosityKilledTheCrapTree · 05/12/2012 20:26

moved in not loved in (although at the the time I guess it felt like that)

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nurseneedshelp · 05/12/2012 20:34

Go for it!!!
I did and I'm the happiest I've EVER been.

I worked with my DP for 12 years and he was happily (or so I thought) married and I was with my vile abusive ex.

Fast forward,weve been together for 12 months, I often wonder why we didn't meet sooner but I wouldn't have my 2 gorgeous DC!

I didn't think it was possible time be this happy!

Good luck!

CuriosityKilledTheCrapTree · 05/12/2012 21:16

This is so nice to hear such positive stories

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fooledagaincantbelieveit · 06/12/2012 16:50

Hi OP!

I've just done a post on getting together with an old flame 'Fooled again - is it me?' (albeit you never had anything going with your friend before!). It is definitely worth the risk, BUT as I found out I'm on a real downer following an amazingly wonderful passionate weekend away and then...not much at all . I just want to sit and cry!

Doesn't mean you shouldn't try though, as another poster said 'Love is a gamble' and I guess I'll be back at the table soon, as soon as I've licked my wounds and feel up to it again...!Good Luck xxx

Autumnchill · 06/12/2012 18:48

I married one of my best friends last year. Similar story to yours, but known each other for 20 years. I didn't realise he had a soft spot for me and I saw him just as a friend. When he told me I was so surprised but after some thought realised that there was a reason why I looked forward to seeing him and spending time together. He makes me laugh daily and supports me but I know 20 years ago, even 10 years ago, we wouldn't have worked as a couple. We work fantastically well now so I say go for it and see where it takes you!

Lavenderhoney · 06/12/2012 19:12

It was different then though, you were in a different place, and so was he. If you start to see each other- invite him for dinner, attend drinks parties, go for walks etc then it's a gradual realisation for your friends, and also private enough that if it's not working you can both withdraw gracefully. I wouldn't get into any "ooh what if people find out " though, it sounds as though you are skulking about and are ashamed, which you aren't.

He sounds nice, you sound nice, I would go for it.

CuriosityKilledTheCrapTree · 06/12/2012 19:41

Thanks - had a bit of a text conversation (just about work) but one comment made me snort (in a good way - I promise). Another tick in the box

Might be seeing him for coffee tomorrow. I like the idea of private rather than skulking - that's very possible.

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hermioneweasley · 06/12/2012 19:47

You don't say that you fancy him

Lavenderhoney · 06/12/2012 20:02

Is he aware you might be thinking of pouncing:)

Has he asked you out on a date ? Or are you going to say you are thinking of seeing x film at the cinema ( pick a blokey one) and is he free?

CuriosityKilledTheCrapTree · 06/12/2012 20:27

hermione - I don't know That's the bit I'm struggling with... I've looked at him for so long as a reliable mate that I'm analysing the 'fancying' part. He's looking "better" this time around (IYSWIM) He hasn't physically changed - I'm fancying his mind, sense of humour and trying not to get hung up on the physical part as it brings out the shallowness in me.

I think I do though - I keep picturing him and I together and yeah - it feels good.

He wouldn't be aware of any intended pounce - no! I we have a few 'dates' in the diary anyway.

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hermioneweasley · 06/12/2012 20:37

I can't imagine making a move on someone if I'm not crazed with lust, can't keep hands off etc. don't know how it works for everyone else.

legojunkie · 06/12/2012 20:40

Do you fancy him physically?

CuriosityKilledTheCrapTree · 06/12/2012 20:41

Therein lies the crux of the matter hermione!

Other people getting together after 5/10/15 years of friendship must have had similar thoughts though... Timing wrong/not fancying.... Nobody fancies the arse of someoene else with that intensity and waits patiently for years. It must wax and wane.

OP posts:

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Lavenderhoney · 06/12/2012 20:42

Sounds very nice:) I hope he is hoping to pounce:)

I have a history of bf who are lovely, clever, successful but visually challenging ( my so called friends were always very rude) but I only saw the things that mattered to me. My dh is lovely, and getting more sexy as he gets older, he is growing into himself iykwim.

CuriosityKilledTheCrapTree · 06/12/2012 20:44

I feel like I have woken up and am seeing him in a different way. I don't want anyone to get hurt, hence the hesitation - but am I over thinking it or actually am I right to stay friends?

I think I do fancy him. I've thought about him differently for weeks now (seen him twice after a kind of absence of 5 odd years)

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CuriosityKilledTheCrapTree · 06/12/2012 20:47

Visually challenging... That's what I'd have said back in the shallow days of yesteryear.

I've been perusing the thread about what your partner brings to your life, and I know he would bring so so much.

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