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money and marraige

(39 Posts)
schooldays Tue 04-Dec-12 10:14:31

I am tearing my hair out over my DH. This is the situation and would love an objective opinion.

He works but like alot of people is not really earning very much (construction work) - he works very hard a long hours etc - He also has alot of savings - and i know he is very keen to keep these for the future but im not exactly sure what he intends using them for. Up to recently i presumed he was keeping them for our future / rainy day but now i think he will never want to spend it on his famiy

Anyway i am out of work at the mo so am geting 270 eur per wk sw and DH gives me 350eur per wk, i get 420 c. benefit. We have 3 children and the amount of 350 per wek he "gives me" is all he will contribute. This has to pay the mortgage (300 per week), childcare, all bills, all clothes, all food, health insurance, house insurance etc etc, It just isn't enough and i am alwayas short and always worrying about money.

So prob is whenever iask him for a cheque for a specfic thing he wont giveit or gives it with such a song a dance and huffing and puffing it is humiliating for me. When i ask for something - straight away he starts with 'am i not giving you enough already', how much exacty do you get every week", you never leave me alone etc etc.

Am very upset because we had seperated last year over alot of this stuff and in general his selfishness but now here i am again.

So question is; is 350 enough for his to be contributing each week? Should i not have access to his savings? Am i being unreasonable? I dont think i am but if im not what do i do to sort this out. Am on sick leave from work but think the company is going to close next year so am very anxious about being dependant on this man - dont feel at all comfortable

Viviennemary Thu 06-Dec-12 21:29:41

This is awfully confusing OP. How much money is coming into your house and how much is going out. That is what you need to work out first and then see how much is left or what the shortfall is. Both of you need to be quite sure about how much money it takes to run your household. You both sound very stressed out indeed.

schooldays Thu 06-Dec-12 21:40:20

thanks for all the support.
you see i cant ascertain what he is earning because he plays cloaks and daggers and will never tell me. he just says he hasnt enough and he wont be able to keep this up and that im always nagging him, i never have enough etc etc. its not like he has the type of job that he gets a payslip that i can see - he gets cheques from various different building jobs so i have no way of knowing. also he has different bank acs so there is literally no point in asking him again how much he earns.
ps just checked my own bank ac and the usual amount he 'gives me' my standing order didn't go into my a/c - the plot thickens - so really the 1k he gave me for 'shopping' isnt for shopping at all really IYKWIM.

foolonthehill Thu 06-Dec-12 21:46:26

Financial abuse is still abuse, even without anything else. To some people it just sounds ridiculous not to be able to sort it out with a talk. If you have never been in a marriage/relationship where the control lies with one very "unusual" individual in the so-called partnership it would be hard to know that someone would DELIBERATELY make their partner suffer.

he does not have to hit you to be abusive.

CharlotteCollinsislost Thu 06-Dec-12 21:56:41

I sympathise, schooldays, my h's finances are similarly shrouded in mystery. The point is, though, that he is controlling your finances, which should be joint finances. He says he hasn't enough. He should say we haven't enough! It's a hugely significant difference. He is treating you like a child - and you will feel the effects of that psychological abuse over time. You say he's not obviously abusive at the moment - THAT's the danger of it. It's harder to see, and harder to heal from.

schooldays Thu 06-Dec-12 22:01:41

you are so right. i remember when i told my family before we separated last time what had been going on - the initial reaction from my mam was that we "need our heads banging together" when my sister wanted us to "sit down with her and trash it all out with her" i had a hard job convincing them that i literally couldn't do another thing to makes things better. i tried doing everything perfect in the house, i tried not going out with my friends,i tried talking to his family, i tried writing him letters, i tried to forgive him when he cheated, i tried managing all the bills on my own, i tried couples counselling, i tried leaving with the kids, i tried leaving myself for a night without the kids, i tried losing weight,i tried to be funner, more understanding, getting up with our ds during the night for month on end without complaining, i tried not complaining about him going out to the pub every weekend night, I TRIED EVERYTHING. People who have not been in an abusive relationship could never understand what its like. Oddly the only people who believed me without hesitation were the police and a judge. Only because they had seen it all before, even the judge told me he would never change, his sort never do. And even then i still believed he could change.

sorry rant over!!!!!!

CharlotteCollinsislost Thu 06-Dec-12 22:28:05

No, keep ranting: anger is what you need! It's all to easy to lose the anger, and then you're just lost.

So, could you get him out again?

schooldays Thu 06-Dec-12 22:39:03

he is just in from pub (always nicer after alcohol) - asked me why im not talking to him. i told him it is because he refused me money twice this week and didn't ask me how hosp appt went. he asked me how we could resolve the money situation, how much exactly i need each week. I NEED! I asked why he didnt ask how my hosp appt went, he said it was because i wasnt talking to him. I told him he was capable of asking me how the kids are, where i was but he couldn't muster the strength to ask me how i was? he said its not fair what i am doing to him and we are going to have a terrible Christmas if i dont stop. he is dying to now know how hospital went. he said he feels like tyrone in coronation street!!!!!! does he really have no idea??

foolonthehill Thu 06-Dec-12 22:43:23

He actually has plenty of idea...it is deliberate you know.

CharlotteCollinsislost Thu 06-Dec-12 22:47:29

"How much do you need each week, schooldays?"
"I need to be treated as an adult. To be trusted with your our money. No more, no less."

He's a drama queen! He's making a big deal of the hospital thing now, so you wish you'd never brought it up, feel like you made a mountain out of a molehill and start doubting yourself. Then hopefully (in his pov) you'll think twice about questioning his behaviour again.

CharlotteCollinsislost Thu 06-Dec-12 22:49:16

Plus he doesn't seem to think you have a right to anger, or to express things emotionally - that thing about how you'll ruin Christmas.

Beamur Thu 06-Dec-12 22:55:08

I feel really cross on your behalf. Paying his fair share is not like he's doing you a favour - this isn't pocket money!
I'm not even married to my DP yet we have a joint bank account (we do have a child together) - all my money goes in, all his money goes in, all our bills go out and we have equal access to what's left (until it runs out) he earns more than me but that is immaterial. I wouldn't have it any other way.
Rather than wrangling over this matter - the crux is - if he doesn't change (and I have to say, I reckon that any change would only last as long as he felt was needed to get you off his case) do you really want to live like this? Does he have redeeming factors that outweigh his stinginess and manipulative behaviour?

schooldays Thu 06-Dec-12 23:07:10

its like an odd game of russian roullette at this stage. i know deep down his behaviour is deliberate, i am sorry i brought up hosp appt, i know he is treating me like a child. he also knows that i have had him out before but he doesnt know if i will do it again, in truth i dont know if i will either. its like a minute battle of wills and whoever is truely the strongest will win. he knows it and i know it. obviously its not the marriage i signed up to or thought i had, not even a friendship just a battle as i said, subtle and cunning on his part, he pretends he doesn't understand. scared and nervous on my part - afraid of the consequences for myself and my dc's if i stand up to him again.
and by the way no he has no particularly wonderful qualities, not successful, not particularly smart (except at this), not really popular, not even really good looking or anything. truth is my family had their jaws on the ground when i said i was dating him first all them years ago -but i was all 'oh but ye dont know him really' and 'oh he didn't mean to be rude was just stressed/drunk/felt uncomfortable. and 'oh i know he isn't a professional but he's a hard worker and he's earning loads, and oh you know his mother died when she was young and his father is horrible to them,oh and you know he likes to go out after working so hard all day and i dont mind, im easy going, and hes so good with the kids and on and on and on.

amverytired Fri 07-Dec-12 10:03:37
CharlotteCollinsislost Fri 07-Dec-12 11:06:46

Yeah, do, we're lovely over there! grin

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