Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.
I am really crap at arguing but dh just lost it for no reason and I dont know how to respond.(47 Posts)
Dh has always been a bit grumpy being woken at night, luckily (for him) since I breastfeed it is rare that I bother waking him as i am normally awake anyway since i am a bad sleeper and theres not much he cam do even if he is awake.
I should put here that he is fantastic in the day, i get to go have naps at will, he is self employed and take the children to school so i can relax in the mornings when he can etc etc. he also is generally quite kind, gentle etc. We rarely argue and he rarely loses his temper about anything - apart from as i say being woken. Generally he just has a moan and get on though.
Tonight dd(3) woke up at the same time as i was feeidng the baby so i asked dh to go and put her to bed, he has his normal moan and gets up but dd plays up amd wont go back in her room so all of a sudden out of the blue and as i say totally out of character, he just explodes not really at her but around her picks her up dumps her on the bed then rips the stair gate off the wall and throws it across the hall. He then goes downstairs and i beleive is now lyign on the couch although i havent bothered to go see.
I have NO idea what brought it on, we work together in our business so i KNOW things are going well at work. I kmow of no other stresses on him other that being a fucking idiot when it comes to waking up.
I feel like i have to respond heavily to is he has really lost it, was rough with our dd and broken the gate etc. im just not sure how. At the moment im thinking of just telling him to get out in the morning.
Tis probably sounds really confused but well i am as i say an hour ago we were sleeping peacefully amd happy i still dont really know what happened...
He thinks if he ignores it it will all blow over. And he might be right. It depends op. Are you determined to make him face up to this or is it just not worth the effort?
He's said his piece though, hasn't he ?
He blamed a child for his aggression and expected Op to act normally again, just because he did
that's not good
Hope you get to the bottom of it OP
Something is up. He may have scared himself and be angry with himself. I think you both need time to have a quiet chat in the next 24 hours. After he's fixed the stairgate. Let him talk and tell you what the problem is first.
Don't let him think it was OK, but don't make it worse by diving in & having a go before he's said his piece.
Tell him that he either explains himself and apologises or he can leave the house until he's ready to do so, because you will not have the children exposed to any further tantrums like this.
And if he responds aggressively again, call the police and ask them to come and remove him.
Honestly, you have to put your foot down very firmly with a tantrumming man who has displayed aggression. Because if you grovel and placate and forgive him, it will happen again, only worse.
I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt this morning, when I first read this, however, his behaviour today is appalling, he needs to grow up, accept his outburst was unreasonable and out of order!!
Do NOT let him blame you, the child, or anything else. He needs to accept responsibility for his actions. What a douche.
Has he even apologised to the children? They must have been terrified! If he needs help for whatever reason, he must get it, but he should be under no illusion that what he did was wrong and he needs to reassure his children.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
I think he knows he did the wrong behaviour
And I think he knows he lost control.
He probably doesnt like the above 2 things, and has gone on the defensive.
It does sound like this business of "she should have gone to bed" is not what's really going on at all. Actually I bet he is refusing to elaborate on that statement b/c he wouldn't be able to justify being mad about it to that degree, so he would then have to admit that he was being ridiculous, which means then you would say, "Right, so, wtf is really going on with you?" and then he would have to tell you the real answer. Since he is normally a lovely person it must be that he's been worrying about something. He may even be hoping on some level that you will drag it out of him so he doesn't have to be silently worried by himself anymore. I hope it helps to talk it out, good luck.
OxfordBags - I just cant tell who he blames tbh he said this morning "she should have gone to bed" and yet he seems perfectly normal and lovely towards the children so he doesnt seem to be feeling any sort of blame towards them - just me. He normally moans about getting up but he does it and doesnt get angry about it if you see what I mean, its low level pissing and moaning but thats it.
I havent had alot of sleep lately as the youngest dd (9 months) has a chest infection and so seems to need feeding about every hour at night as she is totally off her food in the day, so I normally have little sympathy for his moaning about lack of sleep.
purrpurr - I have no intention of apologising, even if I did I dont think thats his problem, it seems to be about something totally different perhaps not even to do with me but since he wont talk to me and Im not going to sit around begging him I just dont know.
coppertop - If one of the kids had done what he did I cant imagine him being too pleased! I dont actually know what the punishment would be as nothing like that has ever happend!
He suffered from depression a number of years ago but tbh there has been no hint of that at all for years, things seemed fine it seems odd that if it was anything liek that it would just appear from nowhere? as I say thought it really is out of character he is normally not like this. I actually cant remember the last time I actually felt upset by anything he had done.
SummerRain - I havent noticed any problems at all, this time yesterday we were working on a project everything fine. Last night we went to bed friendly no problems. I dont think there is any history of dementia etc but he is only 29 - would this be too early for this sort of issue?
Charbon - I havent noticed any problem with our relationship at all, in fact I would say that we have been very happy recently. Our business is going well, we both enjoy the children generally, we were planning for christmas and we have finally saved enough etc to put down a deposit on a house which dh seems very excited about. Our relationship with each other seemed ok until last night/today unless I have seriously misjudged.
I am going to try and talk to him tonight when the children are in bed. Now the whole thing has died down a little I really am starting to feel like there is something behind this rather than him just losing his temper - he normally has veyr good control over his temper especially around the children so I just think it is too odd that he suddenly lost it and it is ever stranger that he continues to be like it today. there is SOMETHING I dont know/havent realised - there must be.
Have you noticed any other changed behaviour in recent times? Anything that you were putting down to other issues e.g. stress, health worries, tiredness?
How about you? Have you been feeling that you're as connected as a couple as you used to be?
I'd do what wheredidiputit has suggested.
This needs nipping in the bud right now.
Is there any history of dementia or alzheimer's in his family? One of our first signs with my grandmother was bizarre moods and odd behaviour. It was years before it progressed to more typical alzheimer's symptoms.
If this is as out of character as you say (and both dp and I are grumpy wakers so I do understand that, but we're always ok the next day) I would seriously consider the possibility that something medical is amiss.
I would be telling him in no uncertain terms that he needs to apologise. Rip the phone out of his hands. Show him how bloody furious you are for his childish behaviour. He doesn't get to "not talk to you" over this. I would also be telling him to fix the gate properly and any other damage caused by his toddler tantrum. Do use those words, he needs to know he
was is acting like your 2yo.
Well if it was me I would be packing his bag and he can go home with MIL until he can behave like an adult.
He is the only one at fault here and he needs to be shown that his behaviour is not in anyway acceptable.
What a frightening outburst, and in front of your toddlers .
And he has the cheek to be angry still this morning? What, punishing you for the audacity of expecting a little bit of help with the dc? Blaming your 3 yr old for being a 3 yr old?
I bet you'd now think twice about asking him for help at night - and maybe even any of the time - thus lazy angry bastarding will prove to be a satisfactory behaviour from his point of view.
Take this very seriously. Tbh I'd be thinking he should leave at least temporarily. No matter how tired you are, you don't throw things around and scare your dc or partner.
OP I hope you are away out and having a lovely time. Leave him to have his pathetic strop and just ignore his childish behaviour until such time as he will start a conversation. Then I would give him (calmly) full flow on why his outburst is not acceptable.
Whether this was intentional, brought on by a medical issue, or the little green pixies made him do it, your dh needs to take responsibility for his actions.
Blaming a 3yr-old is the equivalent of "He/she made me do it!" Extremely childish and not an excuse I would tolerate from an adult.
I'd be interested to know what punishment he would think appropriate if one of the children had deliberately damaged the stairgate.
Sounds like he could do with a massive reality check. Potentially in the form of moving into a B&B until he isn't angry anymore. The risk otherwise is that you may feel the need to try to explain yourself/explain DD. You only need to do it once and you've sealed the deal - he gets to break things and you apologise.
The fact that he still believes he has a right to be angry is a massive red flag.
DD is a toddler, she can't control her actions and impulses. Wanting Mummy in the night is entirely natural.
OH is an adult who can fully control his actions and impulses. Breaking stair rails, losing the plot and then sulking and blaming his small child is entirely unnatural.
He's behaving disgracefully. Boohoo that she interrupted his sleep - he has several children, this can hardly be a surprise to him. Saying she should've gone back to bed about a toddler is like moaning that the sun should shine when it's raining; you don't sulk and whine like a bitch about what should be, you deal calmly and maturely with the actual reality of what you're dealing with.
The other night, I got less than one hour's sleep with my very poorly DS waking incessently and being ill, sick, etc. Did I throw a wobbly? No. I bloody felt like I was going to become some sort of sleep-deprived serial killer, but I remained outwardly calm and gentle because I am the adult.
His attitude this morning is really disgusting, OP. you must ensure that your little DD is NOT made to take the blame for his behaviour. 100% of blame lies with him.
He's blaming a 3 yo and his wife for acting stupid?
Sod sunny disposition indeed.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
I think I'm going to tidy up a bit then take the babies to the park. It will be interesting to see what he says to MIL as she visits on a Wednesday! He's normally at the office not siting in a ball of seething hatred in the corner.
Leave him and say that you'll want to talk later. Don't give him the attention, he's acting like a child.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.