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Where do i "put" my feelings, toxic sil and sis, dh with amnesia , just so , so sad ...(35 Posts)
I have posted about this on AIBU but a quick back ground
Dh has had severe amnesia ( 5 - 10 min memory) for 2.5 years , along with mood swings, depression, lack of empathy, apathy.
my sis and my sil ( his sis) have been incredibly intrusive into his medical care. He NEVER talked about his treatment, avoided it at all costs.
all converstaions with dh and them are "private and confidential"
during these conversations dh has ( apparenlty) asked for :
A second diagnosis
access be given to his medical notes
reduction in his medication
all of these were hiden from me , one visit to a therapist even involved my two younger ds ( 9 and 7) being left in a car / car park for an hour unattended and unabel to get back into the therapy building.
He is currently living with his sis ( 3.5 hours away) and since going there has
changed his mobile number twice ( I have no idea what is it)
missed a REALLY important assesment in London that could have lead to a course of treatement that has improved others memories by 90%.
myself and the chidlren can only contact him by leabing messages on sil land line. we have left dozens and dozens. SIl says we have left "less than 10"
He didnt even call on eldset ds birthday.
I havent spoken to him since early Sep.
He went 2.5 months without speaking to the kids and onloy recently rezponded after I got his mother / nephew involved.
His sis is lying to him, poisining him against me and there isnt a thing I can do about it.
I dont know what to feel, who to hate, it is cruishing,
Again no advice I'm afraid, but I can offer support whenever you need to offload
To answer some of the questions
DH often visited my sis as a "bolt hole" his illness made family life hard for him to cope with.
She used these visit to "just talk" with him ( apparently) and the appointments etc were all made by him but at her house, on her phone, under ( I firmly believe) her influence.
Dh thinks the world of his sis and initially she was a great allie (sp) with me "aganist" my sis.
Then my sis started talking to his sis and she basically turned on a six pence and now both a re againt me.
Form their point of view they are only helping dh to get well... sigh, it just that they dont care HOW he gets well or who else is hurt in the process.
I am not looking for answers here, I am as baffled by the whole thing as are all those IRL I have told.
I just need a way to "think" about it, a way to "be" with it all.
Things it is not
tug of love in a divorce case
gettign sucked into a cult
death of a spouse
it is not any of these yet on some level it is a little bit of all of them ( and please, please don't think I am diminishing the extreme heart ache of any of the above)
I dont know "who" to be
I think that that´s the thing for me-if he can only remember so short term it seems incredulous to me that he is deemed capable of making decisions.
How was he even getting to these people for this to happen?
diddl, I remember reading about this before. If I remember correctly, the DH would agree to whatever was being proposed by whoever was proposing it at the time, so the relatives would get the DH to agree to stuff and sign things giving them access. Easily done actually, especially if the adult in question is regarded as being able to make decisions.
OP, for you.
I do believe you-sorry if I gave the impression that I didn´t.
From the outside I think it´s hard to see how they have muscled in.
How/why have they been at appointments iyswim?
It´s not stuff we tend to discuss other than with each other.
I can remember reading about your situation before, I'm so sorry that things have got worse for your and your family.
I was wondering if it is worth talking to a solicitor because it seems to me as though either your DH is judged to have the capacity to make his own decisions, in which you could pursue him for contact through the usual process if a father leaves his children (and the solicitor could help with this process) or he does not have capacity in which case he should have some sort of guardian appointed to act in his best interests, if SIL is potentially abusing a vulnerable adult (and the solicitor could help with this process too).
The very fact that he seems unaware that he is no longer seeing his children, despite being a previously loving father, seems to suggest that his condition has moved on and he is no longer really in charge of his decision making.
cat I just want to say that I completely believe your story, I have been through a similar experience where a relative I was extremely close to was more or less separated from me and encouraged to hate me by another relative (who, strangely enough was not related to the first relative). This happened because the first relative became ill with dementia and became fixated on the idea that I was trying to steal from her and force her into a care home and because the second relative is, quite frankly, a nasty piece of work who wants to hurt me. Because the first relative has dementia I cannot reach her but neither can I get power of attorney because she is still considered to have mental capacity even though she is clearly very unwell.
The whole story is long and torturous and there has been no happy ending although I battled against the situation for a long time and tried involving everyone including her doctor, her priest and various family members who had no real interest. It's my belief that other people choose 'sides' based on what is easiest for them and are little help in such circumstances and I understand how incredibly hurtful that is when you have done nothing wrong and need support. In the end I walked away because there was just nothing I could do. I keep an eye on her from a distance but that is all. Thankfully, she is stroppy enough not be physically or mentally abused in any way - financially it is a different matter but the police do not want to know as she says she is giving things to people of her own free will.
It has been very hard but I have just had to put it behind me and move on or I would have gone mad. Perhaps in time things will change but I very much doubt it. I understand that it is much more difficult for you though because there are children involved.
Thinking of you and sending you unMumsnetty hugs. You are not alone, sometimes the most complex and bizarre stories are actually true and it is so hard explaining that to people who lead 'normal' lives. It is truly horrifying how badly some people behave when someone becomes vulnerable and suggestible.
Seems an unbelievable situation that his NOK/children count for nothing.
thats exactly how it feels,
his sis and my sis are both single childless women,
my sis has allways been the "one in charge" with anything medical.
In the past she was a carer for a lady with ms, the lady's ex dh allways thought that my sis had to much influence over the ms lady and was never sure exactly who's "opinion" drove the lady's care.
his sis has never really "got" the whole parent child thing, e.g. told an ex partner about his daughter "its me or her, you need to choose"
She also is ALLWAYS right
Even if we can't help you though we'll still be here to listen when you need a rant and to hold your hand when things seem really tough.
I've read your story before and it sounds awful.
But why are your sister-in-law AND sister BOTH toxic and trying to turn everyone against you? Surely they aren't really connected?
It seems to me too complex and unusual a story for anyone on Mumsnet to really be able to help you ... who are your allies in real life?
I'm so sorry this is still going on.
If nothing else-does he no longer have any responsibility/duty to his children?
I cannot imagine what anyone must be saying for both families to be against OP.
Why would anyone think that him being so far from his children is in his or their interest?
If his sister cared she would be keeping up his contact with them at least?
Seems an unbelievable situation that his NOK/children count for nothing.
If he really can only remember for a 5/10 minute span-how is he not vulnerable/in need of care?
Are you next of kin?
Does he have capacity to make decisions about where he resides or are we not sure?
Does he forget to contact you and dc or is he reasonably with it and is against you all?
Do you want him home?
Why is your own sister getting so involved? And being so malicious too?
I'm sorry for everything you and your children are going through, it must be horrible. Could she be interested in getting money from him and that's why she's insisting he stay with her; DLA, carers allowance?
Can you get the other family members involved again? For the children's sake if nothing else.
is there such a thing as power of attorney - i mean - who is legally responsible for him? as his wife is that not you?
his sis said and I quote
" I will do my damnest to make sure he never comes home"
I started to question my care of him ( with 4 dc aged 13,11,9,7 i couldnt focus just on him)
but my gp said
" you have done everythign and more that coudl have been donbe2
and his sw said
" you have done everythign you can, you need to start looking after YOU know"
The kids were given no reason as to why he didnt conatct them for 2.5 months, so , so cruel to do that to children FFS !
SIL is very much "queen of the castle" , her way is the ONLY way, another sis didn't do what evil sisl wnated and so was complelty sidelined.
I can take ( sort of) her treatment , but the kids, really ??? I mean REALLY
I just dont know what to THINK or FEEL any more.
shoudl I get mad at him ( becasue there is an elemnt of choice there) or mad at here , but if all she wants is for her db to getbetter and she thinks that I am the problem then she thinks what she is doign is right .
I'm jsut so, so tired of it all ,
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Does she want to look after him and thinks you aren't in her eyes so tells him not to contact you?
Do they get along?
What about your children? Why would she do this? I'm not questioning you btw!
i cant get him home if he doesnt want to come.
he is regarded as hiaving mental capacity ( in the moment) so POA wont wash,
I have posted before but in AIBU rathe than here ( I think )
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