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DP keeps fobbing me off. I have tried to be understanding but am getting fed up. It's a thin line to being unreasonable!

(114 Posts)
WaitingAlwaysWaiting Wed 21-Nov-12 21:07:55

Have NC for obvious reasons.

Been together three years. I tried to vaguely see what his opinions were on both marriage and children and he gave me vaguely positive answers, a few winks and smiles and 'We'll see's/"That sounds nice". He suffered a close family bereavement around the time I was gearing up to ask (marriage has always been important to me, children have become important as my friends have started to have them and I've had more contact with them) so I held back for six months. The vaguely positive answers continued until the beginning of this year when I had a pregnancy scare. It was negative but made me ask outright for the first time. We had already been living together for a year at that point and he, of his own volition, will happily talk about how much he loves me and how we will be together when we are old.

I was gutted - literally felt like I had been punched, I was surprised at how strongly I reacted emotionally as I'm not like that normally - to find out the answer to both was no. He doesn't want children and he 'doesn't see the point' in marriage.

I could talk about this for a while but I think the salient remaining points are:

1. He is early forties so may be unlikely to change his mind
2. He keeps asking for more time (since February) but I am getting fed up with giving it. I don't like ultimatums but lost my temper over something stupid a month ago and it came pouring out and I said I couldn't wait forever. He cried and said, above all, that he wants us to be together.
3. I am a little younger but it takes time to build new relationships and I am a personal/professional crossroads at the moment where making a clean break would be easier (hence outburst that happened in #2)
4. I confided in two close female friends (mutual - I needed perspective from someone who knew him and they are absolutely trustworthy and wonderful) who were shocked that he doesn't want either. One said that him buying a house (earlier this year, using the inheritance from the bereavement two years ago) for us to live in was a good sign that he was committed as previously he has only rented. Both were otherwise stumped as they also thought (from his actions/words - he loves their children, absolutely dotes on them) he would be a marrying/fatherly type.
5. I love him. I feel absolutely fucking torn. It's eating me up inside that I want to wake up to him every morning for the rest of my life. I love so many, many things about him and I want to raise children with him but, so help me God, if he says "We'll see..." about any attempt of mine to raise the conversation (about once a month since I arrived at this crossroads, hence my 'unreasonable' in the thread title... I think I am being U to start raising it this frequently), I will break something. If I don't mention it again then we just drift on until it really will be too late for me to have children and that would definitely destroy our relationship.

How long do I wait? I think you're all going to tell me not to. But how do I square that with a) him saying he wants us to be together forever and b) not liking the idea of blackmailing someone via an ultimatum?

tribpot Sun 25-Nov-12 08:03:01

VoiceOfUnreason, I think we're actually agreeing. My comment was in the context of the OP hearing the word 'you' in the sentence 'I love you' with more emphasis than the 'I'.

The OP's DH has the perfect right not to want to have children or get married. He does, however, need to own that choice and not string the OP along, so that she can decide what she wants to do next. Equally, the OP needs to own her choice and not keep playing along with the delaying tactics.

I also meant to add that it is important to talk about these sorts of things properly, not in some vague way. I wouldn't have moved in with someone unless I knew we were on the same page on the two big questions.

tribport said: "Arguably, if he really loved you, wouldn't he want you to have the thing which you want most deeply? If he couldn't give that to you, wouldn't he put your needs and wishes before his own?"

Why does that not apply the other way round? If SHE really loved ME, she'd put my needs and wishes before her own and not have kids because the thing I want most deeply is just to spend the rest of my life with her and just her.

This should NEVER EVER be about one person 'giving in' or 'giving way' to the other. We're not talking about deciding on a car or a house. We're talking about creating life. If two people are not on the same page on this one, they should really part and find people who are on the same page.

There is no rule that anyone MUST be married or MUST have children. The OP and her DP (who I'm not overly impressed with) aren't compatible in what they want, even if they love each other.

The OP should leave and find someone who is compatible.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Sun 25-Nov-12 00:03:24

Are you ok, OP?

NotQuintAtAllOhNo Thu 22-Nov-12 23:26:43

This man is not really a man. He is a 1950s housewife without parental ambition.

He has won a gold mine in you! He wants to own his home, he does not want you to be " a kept woman". He does not want to marry you, as that would give you legal share in his assets. He wants you to keep him. You work, so he can potter about, and be "retired". With no financial or parental responsibilities, he will allow you to live in his home, while you bring in the bacon and pay for life.

And you are YOUNG. You can pander to him until he is well into his 80S!

Wow. Just Wow.

WholeLottaRosie Thu 22-Nov-12 23:23:36

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MyLittleFireBird Thu 22-Nov-12 23:22:13

A man in love who wants to marry you and have children with you, will tell you that that's what he wants. And he has told you clearly that he doesn't want either of those things - it's up to you and accept that and decide what to do about it.

monsterchild Thu 22-Nov-12 23:07:38

I am with the "Leave the bastard" crowd. I had the same DP you have, OP. He was amazing, but didn't want what I wanted. After 6 years I finally had enough (there were other issues too!) and moved on. I am now married post 2 years and we are expecting our first child next month! My Dh is so much more wonderful than that twunt was I can't even tell you.

My motto: Don't postpone joy!

Kewcumber Thu 22-Nov-12 22:28:42

Ah OP - I could be talking to myself almost 20 years ago...

... he wants a girlfriend. He doesn't want a wife (or at least not you) and he doesn't want children (or at least not with you).

I had a partner like yours - I would even think he was your partner but mine would, I guess, be a confirmed bachelor of about 53 now! He professed undying love occasionally (on reflection mostly when I started getting a bit unsatisfied with the way the relationship was going). When I was about 32 (so a little older than you) I realised that he was perfectly happy with the status quo and had absolutely no intention of getting married to me or having children with me. Bugger. I loved him terribly but I knew I didn't want a life of being a perpetual girlfriend with no children. In my case the marriage wasn't that important but the children absolutely were.

I gritted my teeth and ended it. Convincingly, for I really did know that I wanted children more than I wanted to be the hand maiden to this perpetual teenager.

After breaking up I gave myself until I was 35 to find a new partner and decide what to do about children. At 35 with no partner in sight (or at least not permanent enough to want children with them) I made the mad decision to be a single parent by choice. It was a long hard road but I brought home my (adopted) son 6 years ago now.

I have never regretted my decision. Once or twice when times were tough in the early days of being a single parent I can remember thinking "Thank god I'm not doing this with W as a co-parent!" so I guess I made the right decision!

Abitwobblynow Thu 22-Nov-12 22:07:02

"he has a very unstable family background and his (living) parent was extremely emotionally abusive. They are vile to me - "

RUUUUUUUN! Please please please believe me on this. You see, when life gets stressy, people revert to the FOO tactics way of coping they developed from birth. And because it is unconscious they don't even know they are doing it.

When I met my MIL I should have run screaming into the night. Because I sure as hell am living her ways...

Kiwiinkits Thu 22-Nov-12 20:39:31

I'd love to be 29 again, btw! A golden time of life.

Kiwiinkits Thu 22-Nov-12 20:38:50

It's pretty clear to me that he's just not that into you, OP.

You have a convenient 'out' - your weekday pad. I think you ought to lay it on the line, no ultimatums. Simply, "DP, I do love you but it has become increasingly clear that we have different priorities in life. I want marriage and kids and you have told me in no uncertain terms that you do not. I respect your wants, but I also have to respect my own. That is why I am moving out before Christmas into my city pad. We need to go our separate ways."

DrinkFeckArseGirls Thu 22-Nov-12 19:49:42

He doesn't want to be a parent and in fact he's absolutely right because he shouldn't.

ImperialBlether Thu 22-Nov-12 19:41:23

Twenty nine is a lovely age - everything is possible. Well, everything except having a lovely future with this selfish twat.

I would be very tempted to tell him I'd got a massive payrise, wait for him to leave his job and settle down by the fire in his cardigan, then dump the bastard.

AThingInYourLife Thu 22-Nov-12 19:15:56

"Waiting why does he want to stop working at the age of 40 and have you, a woman to whom he hasn't made a lifetime commitment, pay the bills on his inherited house in which you have no stake?"

I just can't get my head around this at all.

Also, it sounds like you'd be wasting your life with him even if he did want to marry you and have children with you.

AnyFucker Thu 22-Nov-12 19:13:51

yup, scarlet, I am still waiting for my puppy

When I was a child and asking to have an ice-cream or a pony "We'll see"

meant "No"

AnyFucker Thu 22-Nov-12 18:46:43

Another good 'un

It must be fucking awful to be a thief or a liar. How would you ever get any peace of mind ?

FastidiaBlueberry Thu 22-Nov-12 18:43:37

Great saying. Reminds me of that George Bernard Shaw quote, who observed that a liar's biggest problem isn't not being believed, it's that he can't believe anyone else.

AnyFucker Thu 22-Nov-12 17:43:42

That's a good saying, Abitwobblynow

Abitwobblynow Thu 22-Nov-12 17:39:01

There is a wonderful Jewish saying: To a thief, everyone is a thief.

FastidiaBlueberry Thu 22-Nov-12 17:29:59

"He wants someone who he can sponge off. At the same time he's terrified someone will sponge off him."

That really made me laugh. There are loads of people like that about. grin

ImperialBlether Thu 22-Nov-12 16:02:16

He really said, "He would like to give up work and have me be the sole earner"?

He owns the house and wants you to keep him?

He's not sure about getting married.

He's in his forties for crying out loud!

OP, please, please don't wait for a ring at Christmas! The worst thing that can happen is that you get a ring. He wants someone who he can sponge off. At the same time he's terrified someone will sponge off him.

Take this opportunity to leave him. You're at a fantastic point in your career and you have the choice to go and live somewhere else with your job. Take full advantage of it. Someone lovely will come along, don't worry.

Fuckitthatlldo Thu 22-Nov-12 13:33:42

Op I'm sorry, but this man does not want to be with you forever.

If marriage was neither here nor there to him (ie it really is just a case of him not really seeing the point) then if he really wanted to be with you forever, he would marry you. Just because he could see how important it was to you. He would then have kids with you too.

I think it's time for you to accept that he does not want to marry or have kids with you. For gods sake cut your losses now. Waiting for a Christmas ring will be so soul destroying for you, and when it doesn't come you'll feel a fool. I honestly think it's time to just rip that plaster off, don't you?

Over and over again you see this situation. Man ums and ars about marriage and children. Woman becomes increasingly desperate. After many wasted years the couple finally split and within a year the man is engaged to someone else who is happily pregnant with his child. Woman finally realises that it was her - rather than marriage and children - the man wasn't really into.

Gather together the rest of your pride op, and leave him.

TooMuchLaptop Thu 22-Nov-12 12:28:39

I think he's full of shit too, and knows exactly what he's been doing. It feels like he would intend to kind of do the opposite of the old keeping the wifey financially dependent and controlling her that way!

FWIW re "We'll see"- It's absolutely fine not to be sure for a while whether you want kids or not, I ummed & ahhed for some time, but i did not airily say "We'll see" and keep DP hanging, we took the subject seriously and talked through my feelings about it all, and we set a deadline to talk again (as well as a deadline as to the latest we would hypothetically do it). I've oscillated from 'yes' to 'no' and now back to 'yes' again, but i've always been completely honest with DP and completely open as to how i feel and what my reasons for it are. I really don't think your DP has been so.

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