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DP keeps fobbing me off. I have tried to be understanding but am getting fed up. It's a thin line to being unreasonable!(114 Posts)
Have NC for obvious reasons.
Been together three years. I tried to vaguely see what his opinions were on both marriage and children and he gave me vaguely positive answers, a few winks and smiles and 'We'll see's/"That sounds nice". He suffered a close family bereavement around the time I was gearing up to ask (marriage has always been important to me, children have become important as my friends have started to have them and I've had more contact with them) so I held back for six months. The vaguely positive answers continued until the beginning of this year when I had a pregnancy scare. It was negative but made me ask outright for the first time. We had already been living together for a year at that point and he, of his own volition, will happily talk about how much he loves me and how we will be together when we are old.
I was gutted - literally felt like I had been punched, I was surprised at how strongly I reacted emotionally as I'm not like that normally - to find out the answer to both was no. He doesn't want children and he 'doesn't see the point' in marriage.
I could talk about this for a while but I think the salient remaining points are:
1. He is early forties so may be unlikely to change his mind
2. He keeps asking for more time (since February) but I am getting fed up with giving it. I don't like ultimatums but lost my temper over something stupid a month ago and it came pouring out and I said I couldn't wait forever. He cried and said, above all, that he wants us to be together.
3. I am a little younger but it takes time to build new relationships and I am a personal/professional crossroads at the moment where making a clean break would be easier (hence outburst that happened in #2)
4. I confided in two close female friends (mutual - I needed perspective from someone who knew him and they are absolutely trustworthy and wonderful) who were shocked that he doesn't want either. One said that him buying a house (earlier this year, using the inheritance from the bereavement two years ago) for us to live in was a good sign that he was committed as previously he has only rented. Both were otherwise stumped as they also thought (from his actions/words - he loves their children, absolutely dotes on them) he would be a marrying/fatherly type.
5. I love him. I feel absolutely fucking torn. It's eating me up inside that I want to wake up to him every morning for the rest of my life. I love so many, many things about him and I want to raise children with him but, so help me God, if he says "We'll see..." about any attempt of mine to raise the conversation (about once a month since I arrived at this crossroads, hence my 'unreasonable' in the thread title... I think I am being U to start raising it this frequently), I will break something. If I don't mention it again then we just drift on until it really will be too late for me to have children and that would definitely destroy our relationship.
How long do I wait? I think you're all going to tell me not to. But how do I square that with a) him saying he wants us to be together forever and b) not liking the idea of blackmailing someone via an ultimatum?
Twenty nine is a lovely age - everything is possible. Well, everything except having a lovely future with this selfish twat.
I would be very tempted to tell him I'd got a massive payrise, wait for him to leave his job and settle down by the fire in his cardigan, then dump the bastard.
He doesn't want to be a parent and in fact he's absolutely right because he shouldn't.
It's pretty clear to me that he's just not that into you, OP.
You have a convenient 'out' - your weekday pad. I think you ought to lay it on the line, no ultimatums. Simply, "DP, I do love you but it has become increasingly clear that we have different priorities in life. I want marriage and kids and you have told me in no uncertain terms that you do not. I respect your wants, but I also have to respect my own. That is why I am moving out before Christmas into my city pad. We need to go our separate ways."
I'd love to be 29 again, btw! A golden time of life.
"he has a very unstable family background and his (living) parent was extremely emotionally abusive. They are vile to me - "
RUUUUUUUN! Please please please believe me on this. You see, when life gets stressy, people revert to the FOO
tactics way of coping they developed from birth. And because it is unconscious they don't even know they are doing it.
When I met my MIL I should have run screaming into the night. Because I sure as hell am living her ways...
Ah OP - I could be talking to myself almost 20 years ago...
... he wants a girlfriend. He doesn't want a wife (or at least not you) and he doesn't want children (or at least not with you).
I had a partner like yours - I would even think he was your partner but mine would, I guess, be a confirmed bachelor of about 53 now! He professed undying love occasionally (on reflection mostly when I started getting a bit unsatisfied with the way the relationship was going). When I was about 32 (so a little older than you) I realised that he was perfectly happy with the status quo and had absolutely no intention of getting married to me or having children with me. Bugger. I loved him terribly but I knew I didn't want a life of being a perpetual girlfriend with no children. In my case the marriage wasn't that important but the children absolutely were.
I gritted my teeth and ended it. Convincingly, for I really did know that I wanted children more than I wanted to be the hand maiden to this perpetual teenager.
After breaking up I gave myself until I was 35 to find a new partner and decide what to do about children. At 35 with no partner in sight (or at least not permanent enough to want children with them) I made the
mad decision to be a single parent by choice. It was a long hard road but I brought home my (adopted) son 6 years ago now.
I have never regretted my decision. Once or twice when times were tough in the early days of being a single parent I can remember thinking "Thank god I'm not doing this with W as a co-parent!" so I guess I made the right decision!
I am with the "Leave the bastard" crowd. I had the same DP you have, OP. He was amazing, but didn't want what I wanted. After 6 years I finally had enough (there were other issues too!) and moved on. I am now married post 2 years and we are expecting our first child next month! My Dh is so much more wonderful than that twunt was I can't even tell you.
My motto: Don't postpone joy!
A man in love who wants to marry you and have children with you, will tell you that that's what he wants. And he has told you clearly that he doesn't want either of those things - it's up to you and accept that and decide what to do about it.
I was in a similar relationship many years ago, only in my case I was the one who was doing the fobbing off.
My fella was desperate to get married and have children, I had no intention of doing either with him but was happy to coast along as we were. Every time he mentioned getting engaged I would suggest waiting until Valentine's Day "to make it special" and then when that rolled around I would suggest we waited until our summer holiday...and then Christmas...
I didn't realise it at the time but what I was doing was waiting for something/ one better to come along. Eventually I plucked up the courage to finish it with him because in my heart I knew that it wasn't fair to either of us. He took it very badly but within six months had met someone else who he now has two children with.
I met someone else too. Within weeks I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. It wasn't a case of wanting to get married, I couldn't not marry him. We were engaged and planning our wedding within a year, happy ever after blah blah blah.
This man is not really a man. He is a 1950s housewife without parental ambition.
He has won a gold mine in you! He wants to own his home, he does not want you to be " a kept woman". He does not want to marry you, as that would give you legal share in his assets. He wants you to keep him. You work, so he can potter about, and be "retired". With no financial or parental responsibilities, he will allow you to live in his home, while you bring in the bacon and pay for life.
And you are YOUNG. You can pander to him until he is well into his 80S!
Wow. Just Wow.
tribport said: "Arguably, if he really loved you, wouldn't he want you to have the thing which you want most deeply? If he couldn't give that to you, wouldn't he put your needs and wishes before his own?"
Why does that not apply the other way round? If SHE really loved ME, she'd put my needs and wishes before her own and not have kids because the thing I want most deeply is just to spend the rest of my life with her and just her.
This should NEVER EVER be about one person 'giving in' or 'giving way' to the other. We're not talking about deciding on a car or a house. We're talking about creating life. If two people are not on the same page on this one, they should really part and find people who are on the same page.
There is no rule that anyone MUST be married or MUST have children. The OP and her DP (who I'm not overly impressed with) aren't compatible in what they want, even if they love each other.
The OP should leave and find someone who is compatible.
I also meant to add that it is important to talk about these sorts of things properly, not in some vague way. I wouldn't have moved in with someone unless I knew we were on the same page on the two big questions.
VoiceOfUnreason, I think we're actually agreeing. My comment was in the context of the OP hearing the word 'you' in the sentence 'I love you' with more emphasis than the 'I'.
The OP's DH has the perfect right not to want to have children or get married. He does, however, need to own that choice and not string the OP along, so that she can decide what she wants to do next. Equally, the OP needs to own her choice and not keep playing along with the delaying tactics.
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