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DP keeps fobbing me off. I have tried to be understanding but am getting fed up. It's a thin line to being unreasonable!

(114 Posts)
WaitingAlwaysWaiting Wed 21-Nov-12 21:07:55

Have NC for obvious reasons.

Been together three years. I tried to vaguely see what his opinions were on both marriage and children and he gave me vaguely positive answers, a few winks and smiles and 'We'll see's/"That sounds nice". He suffered a close family bereavement around the time I was gearing up to ask (marriage has always been important to me, children have become important as my friends have started to have them and I've had more contact with them) so I held back for six months. The vaguely positive answers continued until the beginning of this year when I had a pregnancy scare. It was negative but made me ask outright for the first time. We had already been living together for a year at that point and he, of his own volition, will happily talk about how much he loves me and how we will be together when we are old.

I was gutted - literally felt like I had been punched, I was surprised at how strongly I reacted emotionally as I'm not like that normally - to find out the answer to both was no. He doesn't want children and he 'doesn't see the point' in marriage.

I could talk about this for a while but I think the salient remaining points are:

1. He is early forties so may be unlikely to change his mind
2. He keeps asking for more time (since February) but I am getting fed up with giving it. I don't like ultimatums but lost my temper over something stupid a month ago and it came pouring out and I said I couldn't wait forever. He cried and said, above all, that he wants us to be together.
3. I am a little younger but it takes time to build new relationships and I am a personal/professional crossroads at the moment where making a clean break would be easier (hence outburst that happened in #2)
4. I confided in two close female friends (mutual - I needed perspective from someone who knew him and they are absolutely trustworthy and wonderful) who were shocked that he doesn't want either. One said that him buying a house (earlier this year, using the inheritance from the bereavement two years ago) for us to live in was a good sign that he was committed as previously he has only rented. Both were otherwise stumped as they also thought (from his actions/words - he loves their children, absolutely dotes on them) he would be a marrying/fatherly type.
5. I love him. I feel absolutely fucking torn. It's eating me up inside that I want to wake up to him every morning for the rest of my life. I love so many, many things about him and I want to raise children with him but, so help me God, if he says "We'll see..." about any attempt of mine to raise the conversation (about once a month since I arrived at this crossroads, hence my 'unreasonable' in the thread title... I think I am being U to start raising it this frequently), I will break something. If I don't mention it again then we just drift on until it really will be too late for me to have children and that would definitely destroy our relationship.

How long do I wait? I think you're all going to tell me not to. But how do I square that with a) him saying he wants us to be together forever and b) not liking the idea of blackmailing someone via an ultimatum?

FastidiaBlueberry Wed 21-Nov-12 22:27:40

oh dear.

Unhappy childhood and vague resentment about possibility of having to support you for a while while looking after children.

This is sounding much worse than in the OP.

quietlysuggests Wed 21-Nov-12 22:32:13

What???
Everything in that financial discussion is entirely fucked up.
It is him planning not to be "stuck" with you.
I am sorry but I think you are on a loser here.
(and with one too...)

WaitingAlwaysWaiting Wed 21-Nov-12 22:32:22

He hasn't had counselling. I suggested it (I have had MH issues and depression in the past - one reason why I found it very difficult to cope with his negative attitude towards the end of my unemployment) as I have found it useful before and I don't have anything like his background. I became convinced he needed it after Parent 2 said (as Parent 1 was on their deathbed - this was the bereavement in my OP), "You need to leave the hospice. [Parent 1] is only still alive, suffering, because you are here." Parent 1 doted on DP, was in a coma at the time and I really doubt knew he was there. Nevertheless DP left the hospice and called me, broken. I will never, ever like Parent 2. Ever. I think they are fucking vile. Neither of my parents would do that to me in a million years.

But DP has gone through many years of aggro, of being silent, of standing up to Parent 2. He has concluded it's best to nod, smile and hope for an 'easy life' and that it all 'goes away'.

WaitingAlwaysWaiting Wed 21-Nov-12 22:34:31

I also want to say thank you to those of you who are sharing stories, especially those who are sharing painful memories. I am sorry for your losses and I am taking what you are saying on board.

rightchoice2 Wed 21-Nov-12 22:41:09

Sounds like his role model for parenthood has convinced him that being a parent is the worst possible outcome for him. You are flogging a dead horse here.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Wed 21-Nov-12 22:41:45

Waiting why does he want to stop working at the age of 40 and have you, a woman to whom he hasn't made a lifetime commitment, pay the bills on his inherited house in which you have no stake?

MysteriousNameChange Wed 21-Nov-12 22:41:47

Red flags all over the place.

first up, he should be honest if he's in a relationship with you. All this putting you off business is incredibly selfish.

second, if he is already worried about being 'stuck' being the sole earner then can you imagine the pressures on you if you do have a baby?

third, but he'd be perfectly happy not to work while you did? Only without children?

Sounds like a man who would be financially and emotionally abusive if you did have children. This might make you defensive and say no, no, not him, I love him. BUT I think there are serious red flags and I think the relationship would get worse not better with children involved.

You are young enough to move on, but you want to do it before you find yourself there for a few more years.

With luck you will find a new partner soon and have a lovely family in a few years.

Autumnmumm Wed 21-Nov-12 22:42:29

You are 29, have a career that has opportunities for the future and this man is limiting you and your potential. You love him but he is not right for you and never will be.

Leave him, stand on your own two feet and build the life you really want.

I did it. I was in your position. I left him even though I loved him. A year later I met dh. 4 years later I had my first child. I have never regretted it even though it was painful at the time it changed my life for the better.

OP, I will apologise upfront because I can be very cynical, but I am concerned by the apparent pattern in some of your recent comments -

. the house is in his name

. when you were unemployed "he really seemed to worry that I would 'live off him' forever - in fact he said that when we had the very first argument when he told me he didn't believe in marriage." And of course whilst unmarried you have no legal financial claim on him, which you would have if you were to marry.

. your are on course to be earning substantially more in two years

. he has been very much more enthusiastic about your long-term ambitions since your transfer (and presumably the likelihood of your increased income)

. He would like to give up work and have you be the sole earner

. he was worried if you had children that he would be 'stuck' forever as the sole earner

Well, I can see another reason for him not wanting to marry and have children. Quite simply, it would upset his long-term financial planning, when he wants to be sitting at home in a house owned only by him and to which you will have no legal claim; with your earnings meeting his other living expenses. sad

FastidiaBlueberry Wed 21-Nov-12 22:47:11

He'd be happy to give up work for you to support him if you didn't have children

I missed that bit slightly

But he'd find it the other way round "saddled" with you.

Hmmm.

So he doesn't mind saddling you.

So um, that means he thinks deep down, that he's really much more important than you.

OP he's sounding less and less of a catch, even without the clear message he's sent that he doesn't want kids.

He's not even stringing you along is he, he's told you he doesn't want kids.

The more you say about him, the more obvious it is that you need to move on from him.

akaemmafrost Wed 21-Nov-12 22:47:52

This may sound very simplistic but knowing what I know now, having dc, I would not stick with a man who didn't want them. It's the hardest decision to make but when you have your children you will be terrified at how you could have even considered forgoing having them. There truly is nothing like it. The love you feel for him is NOTHING compared to the love you will feel for and receive from your children.

FastidiaBlueberry Wed 21-Nov-12 22:47:54

Sorry stuck not saddled
But same concept

Feckbox Wed 21-Nov-12 23:28:17

Hang on, never in a million years would you people tell a WOMAN who buys a house with her inheritance to put it in joint names with a boyfriend who did not contribute financially to the purchase .
And you are all very quick to criticise an unemployed man who shows sign of living off their girlfriend.
In fact you have a special name for it.
Double standards? Much ?

CaliforniaLeaving Wed 21-Nov-12 23:30:20

He's told you how he feels and shown you what he thinks, you need to listen. He's waving big red flags, almost smacking you in the face with them, He's not settle down, parent and marriage material. At least you know now and not when you have hit menopause and it's too late.

AnyFucker Wed 21-Nov-12 23:30:28

Feckbox...do you think this man is a good future prospect for this woman ?

Feckbox Wed 21-Nov-12 23:33:59

No I don't think he is a good prospect for one reason only.
She wants children
He doesn't

No need to over egg her case by saying it is a red flag he did not put her name on the house he bought with his money

tribpot Wed 21-Nov-12 23:36:29

I had read that as pointing out a vulnerability to the OP - that she had no stake in the property in which they live as an unmarried couple.

AnyFucker Wed 21-Nov-12 23:38:55

I didn't, personally

But if you look at the financial stuff Op has posted, and the big wide hints he has dropped about her working and him not (to pay back for her 3 months of unemployment which is nothing these days) while they live in a house she has no claim on (since he won't marry her) I think there are several red flags here

mammadiggingdeep Thu 22-Nov-12 01:08:55

Op, don't have children with somebody who only agrees to it 'to keep you' and keep you happy. I have two wonderful DD, 2 years and 4 months. They are truly the centre of both mine and dp world. Dp and I have been together 6 years, lived together for 4. We are both in our 30s and really really wanted both our babies. However.....one thing we weren't prepared for is how the first year of our dd1s life was all about us learning to readjust our life together and relationship. Suddenly there's 3 of you, it is tough at times and you really have to work as a team. We had some awful rows- think we came the closest to splitting up that we ever have. My point is, if he gives you babies just to keep you I think it could lead to real resentment and bitterness. He could have children with you and then never truly engage in family life. You deserve to be with somebody who wants your children as much as you want theirs.
Good luck

SolidGoldYESBROKEMYSPACEBAR Thu 22-Nov-12 01:23:06

This man sounds like far more trouble than he's worth. He's had a fucked-up childhood, but he seems to think that it's transformed into a Get Out OF Jail Free card, and that he can get out of doing anything he doesn't want to do by going a bit misty-eyed and reminding you of his traumatic past.

He probably doesn't want children at all and he certainly doesn't want them with you, so if you want children, you need to be making other plans.

Please do bear in mind that if you really want children then it's not, actually, compulsory to have a couple-relationship with a man to do so. And it's better, in the long run, if you want to be a mother more than anything, to have children as a single mother (either donor sperm or adoption, or perhaps a co-parent agreement with a male friend) than tie yourself to a horrible or just unsatisfactory man in order to have a child.

Walkacrossthesand Thu 22-Nov-12 01:42:36

I can sympathise with your plight, OP - you love the man, and no doubt to some extent he loves you. But you don't want the same things. He's not going to wake up one morning and think 'you know what? I do want to have children with Waiting after all'. If that was going to happen it would have happened by now. So the only path open to you is to square your shoulders and leave him. I had to do this the other way round - I was in an otherwise lovely relationship with a man who wouldn't commit because (he said) his vision of his future included fatherhood - I've had my family & an earlyish menopause (he was mid 40's). But he wasn't about to end it because he was happy with the here & now - just keeping his options open. So I ended it - I was heartbroken but I couldn't stand this 'one foot in the door' relationship indefinitely. I think when adults meet 'the one', they commit. Your DP isn't, so it's up to you to find the one who will. Good luck!

kickassangel Thu 22-Nov-12 02:41:58

Op I'm sorry but he's just not that into you.

If you love someone you don't think of them sponging off you if they've been made unemployed and need some support while they job hunt.

If you love someone you will discuss the future with the, even if it is painful.

You will be honest with them about the things you want in life.

You don't plan to retire 30 years early while they support you.

He likes having you around, but the moment you needed some help he saw you as a free loading encumbrance, not the woman he loved and supported.

I couldn't agree more with mammadiggingdeep. I have a 2 yo DD and these two years have been very hard, even with both of us on board and in agreement. Two friends are in counselling with their DH's and one marriage is on it's last legs. All relationships where both parents desperately wanted the children. It is hard to go through pregnancy, birth and early years. Find someone who wants to do this with you.

WaitingAlwaysWaiting Thu 22-Nov-12 06:25:11

Thank you. I cried myself to sleep last night and now I'm shattered. Has the bonus of making me angry that this issue is probably going to affect my work today. I'll post a proper response this evening after work, just wanted to let you know that I had read your responses and thank you for taking the time to write them.

Quickly re: money. Sadly there will always be/would always have been an imbalance, partly due to age but also due to him being an only child of very comfortably-off parents. Although Parent 2 is awful they like to splash the cash - each time I've stayed there they've given me at least £100 cash to fritter. The first time they did it I sat there with my mouth open like this: shock Not really within the realms of my previous life experience! grin

mummytime Thu 22-Nov-12 06:27:18

Actually Feckbox; if it was my son who was living with a woman. That woman owned the house they lived in, but didn't want to get married, however she planned when he got a promotion to quit work; but there still wouldn't be kids involved or an alternative career for her.

Well I'd be giving similar advice to the advice her, but a bit more backed off (trying not to be a nightmare MIL). Even more so if he'd had a short period of unemployment and she'd resented supporting him through it.

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