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Anyone care to comment on this letter: I'm trying to ditch a toxic 'friend'

(57 Posts)
mamadoc Tue 20-Nov-12 23:59:31

A brief background:
I met this lady 5 years ago at a toddler group. Her DD is 2 yrs older than mine and we've nothing in common so I never tried to encourage the friendship but she is very persistent. I also felt sorry for her as she's had a hard life.

I noticed along the way that her friendships never last long (usually 6mo max) and she will often fall out spectacularly with people and be very rude to them and then seem to wonder why they no longer want to see her. She has no contact with her family or ex-partner for the same reasons.

2yrs ago her DD was taken into care due to allegations of emotional abuse against her. At first I didn't believe it as I had never seen anything to suggest it (little girl always well dressed and fed and lots of toys etc) but gradually as I've supported her through long legal proceedings I've begun to feel that I was not told the whole truth.

She has really sucked me dry in terms of time and energy expended on her not to mention constant borrowing of small amounts of money, lifts, use of my internet, phone, printer etc. DH and my DC were sick of her always being around their home. It also was not reciprocated by any care for me during hard times in my life. I decided finally that enough is enough and told her that I'm not giving that level of support anymore. I said that I was not going to do anything related to the court case and limit to social chat once a week or so max.

This resulted in her sending me many abusive text messages and e-mails accusing me of stealing a toy that I thought had been freely given to my DC (I sent it back recorded delivery) and various other things. Also calling and hanging up late at night just to disturb me. I actually feel physically sick when I see there are messages from her. I worry what else she might do as she is so unhinged. Make malicious reports against me? Vandalise my house? Make trouble for my kids at school?

I am planning to send this letter and then block her from everything and never respond again but I am frightened of provoking her further. What do you think I should do?

^I find the tone of your e-mails and text messages aggressive and intimidating and feel quite distressed when I receive them (I don?t know if this is your intention but its how it comes across). I cannot now think of any legitimate reason you could have to contact us since I returned the toy. For these reasons I am from now on going to delete any messages from you without reading them. Neither DH nor I will be making any further response to any communications from you via whatever medium.

In your e-mail to DH you actually said that you were sorry to have upset me, that it was not your intention and that you did appreciate all we have done for you in the past. If you meant that then I hope that you will respect our decision not to have any more contact at least for past times sake.

If however you do continue to contact us despite being clearly told not to I will regard this as harassment and reluctantly I will be forced to seek advice as to what action I can take to prevent it.^

janelikesjam Sat 24-Nov-12 00:12:53

Agree also with the rationale behind TheKindnessofStrangers comment : "one final message stating unequivocally you want no further contact with her (and keep a copy), because if she does continue to harass you and you go to the police they'll ask you if you've made it clear the contact is unwelcome"

BerylStreep Sat 24-Nov-12 00:41:32

Yes, a simple e-mail - 'Please stop contacting me and my family. If you continue I will report this to police as harassment.'

I am really torn between the advice to ignore, which is excellent advice, or to report it to police, which once they have given her a formal warning, may stop it for good, or on the other hand, may inflame the situation - but at least if it inflames, she will be prosecuted.

TBH you have more than enough to pursue a charge of harassment. It only needs to have happened on 2 or more occasions.

What a nut-job.

<wonders if I am a rescuer - I too have that book on a shelf at my mum's - must read it>

expatinscotland Sat 24-Nov-12 00:47:11

After watching 'Living with My Stalker' I wouldn't send her anything further. Just report to the police with your evidence of abuse.

BerylStreep Sat 24-Nov-12 01:11:26

Expat, I saw that too. How shocking!

Was going to mention it, but didn't want to freak out op.

Some people just don't like rejection.

PurpleHeadedMountain Sat 24-Nov-12 01:25:00

I read The Games People Play as part of my university course - it is absolutley brilliant and thank you for reminding me MrsJRE - must reread it.

BerylStreep Sat 24-Nov-12 01:29:49

My mum bought it for me when I was about 14 - it went over my head a bit, and I thought she was making a passive aggressive point.

Must read it again.

Purple - what was your degree course in?

PurpleHeadedMountain Sat 24-Nov-12 01:41:14

Beryl - this particular bit (it was one of those 1980s modular degrees) was sociology. I found it useful for analysing my boyfriend's bad behavior at the time grin

Ha at your mum being passive aggressive!

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