Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
please be honest with me- am i wrong to do this?(112 Posts)
i need to know. i dont trust myself anymore to make the right decisions.
i have posted loads before about exp but to date the status quo has been that we dont text or ring each other except if it's do arrange contact for dcs and it's always him contacting me as his job dictates when he can see them so there is no point me contacting him it's better if he gets in touch when he knows his dates.
last saturday he requested me as a friend on the old FB. i declined. i dont want him having that sort of access to my life and what i've been doing. deep down i dont trust him and am always expecting him to use something against me when it comes to the dcs. i think he will one day (soon?) try and take the dcs from me now he is getting married and has a house here, is leaving his job etc. i accept that i may be totally paranoid about this as i really dont think he would have any grounds to have the dcs taken from me but it is a fear that i have.
so yesterday he rang, i asked if he wanted to talk to dcs as i always do. he did for a few seconds and then back to me and we actually had a really long conversation. we haven't done that since before we split up 2.5 years ago. we just talked about the dcs and why i moved house again and how my course was going. i asked him about his wedding plans and how is job search was going. it was very strange to be having that conversation with him. but it got me thinking last night about whether i am wrong in being so 'closed' when it comes to him. i dont tell him anything about my life. i dont want him knowing anything that he could use against me (again could be paranoid).
so today he has texted asking why am i not settled down with someone because i deserve to be. i replied saying that he wouldn't know whether i had or not. he says "well i know you're not living with anyone. you'll find someone" i said again, "how do you know i haven't?" (i haven't) and he said "i mean settling down, gettimg married having more babies, you know, starting your own wee family.obviously you got your fuck buddies etc, everyone needs them" (i dont have any fuck buddies, i haven't had sex in over a year and i've been with 2 people since i split up with him, one was a shortlived boyfriend). i told him that i settled down with my family 7 years ago (when ds1 was born) and that i didn't need to be married to be a family. i asked him if he thought my (and his) dcs are just a practise set.. he replied saying he had phrased it badly and that he really just wanted me to be happy and that when he's home permanently (next march) he'll do more for me and the dcs and that he'll 'mind' the dcs so i can have a hobby or two.
i haven't replied. i'm pissed off. i dont know why. am i just being a big paranoid freak. i dont want to feel this way. i would love to be able to have a good relationship with him but i cant get past the trust issue and i cant help feeling that it is me putting all the blocks up. i know it's me. he is clearly trying to, i dont know, build bridges or something but in the back of my head i think, what if he's just snooping for info to hold against me.
please be honest with me. i need to know if this is just me because if it is i need to change and start letting people in otherwise i wont ever find someone like he says. and i very much want to.
From just this post I would say that I am the same as you without the paranoia. I know my exh would like to control my life, thankfully our DS is old enough to talk to him himself and can make his own arrangements.
It took me nearly 10 years to get to the stage where I could tell my exh to fuck off to the other side of fuck and then fuck off some more, but I have managed it and he now doesn't speak to me at all. BLISS!
Now for my mother....
He is trying to change the boundaries to unsettle you. Maybe he feels unsettled himself and is reflecting it to you to make you feel as bad? My ex is narcissistic too and is currently having fun playing games with me over DD's CSA.
Two weeks ago he told me "you have a hole in your soul and filled it with a baby - how ingenious!" and went on about how my private education had counted for nothing as I hadn't 'done' anything with my life which meant I was "unimaginative or, at worst, plain lazy."
This week "I thought enough water had passed under the bridge for us to be civil again"
These men use whatever tools they see lying around. No remorse, no understanding of what they have put you through. So don't expect him to be grateful of any chit chat - you may think you are being friendly but they can turn it on/off in a nanosecond. Ex is currently trying to convince tribunal we never had a relationship despite living with me... They really cannot see it, honestly!
WRT the signed envelopes i honestly think he was making sure i knew he was still there. i was always at work when the post came and i'm pretty sure he engineered it so he was doing my route on purpose (hoping to see me regularly) so when he realised i didn't know it was him at my house everyday i think he wanted to let me know "i'm still in your life"
(i NC'd BTW)
Insanity, what made you leave your ex? What did you gradually become aware of, and what was the final straw?
Atouchofinsanity! that sounds familiar, my x's solicitor stood up in court and said 'my client would like to point out that he did not marry ms Blueberry'. I thought, hello, did anybody say we were married? this is about maintenance. Wish I cuold have said 'does your client think that means the children aren't his?'. It was all about dismissing me even in court. His solicitor also asked me if I was living with somebody. I know my x really wanted that. I was asked about my means and his solicitor put emphasis on the words 'benefits' and 'rented' and really tried very hard to make me look like a slutty scrounger. Pity I had my pearl earrings on and hair in a smart pony tail. I think my x made me out to be like something from jeremy kyle to his solicitor. I honestly think my x's solicitor must have got a shock when he saw me.
When we were doing the bit before the financial hearing where you sit in separate rooms and the solicitors shuttle back and forth with offers, XH's solicitor came in, did a bit of a double take and said "So you're the woman who's had 200 lovers?"
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
You'd laugh even more if you saw me, Leclerc. If there's such a thing as anti-sex-appeal, I exude it. I don't mean I'm hideously repulsive, I just go around with a big imaginary "not interested" sign above my head in virtual neon. XH is the only man I ever dated, let alone shagged. After we split up I did flirt with some guys over the internet, but never actually met them. XH said that was adultery because we were still technically married, and that adultery was illegal.
Annie, that's it in a nutshell. They just don't see 'us' how other people would see us. My x had obviously made out to his solicitor that I was a chaotic, dramatic, worthless, lazy, slutty piece of trash and then I turned up in pearl earrings and a belted grey coat and neat hair, very little make up and an simple leather bag. when the solicitor asked me if I was living with another man I could see even he thought 'this is not the correct line of questioning here but it's what i have prepared'. I heard my own voice say 'no' and I sounded like my Mother. I thought 'ha'.
Atouchofinsanity...One week it's 'don't come the mother crap with me' and something about 'if you weren't so bloody stubborn'...'don't start the bimbo act' (this is laughable tbh!)...etc etc...few days later it's 'I thought by now we could be more openly friendly' and 'I'd like us to be friends again' ... hah...away you go!
OP - none of your ex's damned business what hobbies you have, who you go out with or anything to do with your sex life. Don't friend on FB, don't friend in RL. He sounds awful.
Next time he suggests being friends tell him that you think a civilised relationship is more appropriate. Tell him that you can be civilised.............. !!
he's also requested me to be connected to him on linked in i dont understand what that means as i joined years ago and dont check it but i git an email notifying me of the request.
anyway i have just this evening filled in my application form for csa to contact him about the payments. maybe this will send out the message that we are not and cant ever be friends.
thank you all for being my brain this last few days. i dont know what happend to mine, it seemed to abandon me for a bit there. back to normal now, i can see him for what he really is.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.