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Don't know how to handle this situation.Offended and upset MIL and DD.

(54 Posts)
alwaysworriedtoo Sun 18-Nov-12 20:12:00

Saturday Dd (7) was at sleep over with Mil and Fil. Everything was fine until bedtime when DD got upset, saying she misses me and dh cos she doesn't see much of dh cos he works lots and late and she wants to go home. Mil did the comfortimg thing youll see them tommorow etc then dd said either; I like it at nans because I get to see mummy and daddy when they come home from pub.(she doesnt sleep over at my mums as no room) Or; I Want/like it better at nans because etc.
This has really upset my mil and she was nearly in tears when telling dh about it when she dropped dd off this morning, and has said she doesn't want to see dd for at least a couple of weeks.
Dh understandable was cross with dd, 'what have you been saying to gran,shes upset etc' and dd was in tears all morning.
Talking to dd over the course of the day I get the impression she was over tired. She also says she can't remember everything she said to gran but she didn't say she likes nans better.
Dh says his mum, said 'dd was crying for us two, then saying she would rather be at nans.'
Now I can understand this might hurt mils feelings. Mil and Fil don't see dd much because of work comitments on both sides and dh is not one to ring up everyother day like I do with my mum. Also we live a lot nearer my mum easy walking distance so they see more of dd than the inlaws. So inlaws might feel a bit left out.
But on the other hand dd is 7. She was overtired. (she loves going to grans and prefers to eat grans food rather than going out to eat at mcdonalds, enjoys snuggling up to watch a film, she always gets a comic and pocket money off them and mil has done up a small bedroom just for her so she is spoilt)
Mils strength of being upset is disconcerting.we are torn between thinking dd must have said something awful that she darn't admit to us and mil didn't tell dh the full story, or mil is taking the percieved slight too personaly. (She said she didn't want a phonecall off dd either knowing that we would encourage dd to phone gran and appologise.)
Is there any grans out there who can shed some light on this?
Any parents who have had a similar situation?
I really don't know how to handle it.
I know that if there is a problem I will get the blame. Other 'offences' have been comited unwittingly /taken the wrong way.
Dh is upset too as he is stuck in the middle he also re-enforced my knowing I would get the blame by saying 'you know that it will all boil down to being your fault'
Dd want to make a card to send to gran saying 'sorry I said I liked it at nans' Which sounds really petty when its said like that.
Anyway sorry its long What do I do?
Help!

alwaysworriedtoo Sun 18-Nov-12 20:56:58

Singingsands dd is the inlaws only grandchild. After reading thes in moring I am going to give lots of extra love to dd, let her write a little note to post to gran and see what happens next. Thanks for your support. I shall also tell dh I think his mum is over reacting!

vigglewiggle Sun 18-Nov-12 20:57:08

It depends akaemmafrost - if you are interpreting my posts as me blaming the child, then I haven't expressed myself clearly. What I was trying to say was that because the adults around her (particularlly MIL who I described as childish and ridiculous) are allowing her to see that her behaviour creates such extreme reactions, they are encouraging her to behave in this way. The adults need to change in order for the child to adapt better to difficult circumstances. Children will manipulate and provoke reactions if they know they can get something out of it. To believe otherwise is naive.

alwaysworriedtoo Sun 18-Nov-12 20:58:49

hellothisisJoanie. I thought this was the right place to post this?

akaemmafrost Sun 18-Nov-12 21:13:51

"Children will manipulate and provoke reactions if they know they can get something out of it. To believe otherwise is naive."

Mine don't. Dd, is 6, if she's scared she's scared, she has no front whatsoever. What you see is what you get. My ds has ASD and is incapable of any kind of subterfuge.

In spite of your most recent post, your first one still makes me feel uncomfortable and I think it's quite strange to prioritise that as the reason for a 7 year olds behaviour.

DameFanny Mon 19-Nov-12 19:40:24

Don't write the letter to apologise - just a nice thank you for the sleepover.

Your mil sounds like hard work, and a child should not have to watch what they say for fear of mortally offending an adult - common politeness yes, but not have to deny their own feelings.

treedelivery Mon 19-Nov-12 19:47:21

Blimey! I thought dd was going to be 15 or something!

I'd hope to control myself if a 7yo said this to me. In fact, my 8 year old can stab me straight in the heart a couple of times a day.

If adults are not perfect it seems crazy to expect a 7yo to be.

ANd what is ParentPort?

PiedWagtail Mon 19-Nov-12 19:50:42

Dear lord. Your MIL is being insane and overreacting completely - what is she teaching your dd if she doesn't want to hear from her/see her? That adults sulk like Year 2 girls!!! Great. doesn't sound like your dd misbehaved or was rude at all. And your dh needs to grow a pair - how could this be miscontrued as YOUR fault??

alwaysworriedtoo Tue 20-Nov-12 16:54:35

Well I sent an email asking her to tell me what was so terrible that she doesnt want to see her etc because me thinks that there is more to this than is being said.
I got a suprising reply in that its Not DDs fault, dont question her about it, didn't say two weeks just 'some time' to get over the upsetment.
She doesn't want an appology from dd as there is nothing to apologise for.
The phrase 'out of the mouths of babes' was used and 'leave it now I will see you when I'm ready.
I showed Dh the reply And He Was Totally Confused. He had definatly got the impression that it was Dds fault and that was why he was so upset. We sent another message saying that DH had got that impression etc and what has been said!?!

No reply as yet.

I have told DD that we have had a message off gran to say she isn't cross with her and she doesn't have to say sorry for anything and DD is now much happier.
I think the ball is in her court now and if anything alse is said we need to all sit down and discuss it like Grownups!

NatashaBee Tue 20-Nov-12 17:07:59

your MIL sounds utterly childish. Personally I would reply back to the email letting her know that and asking her again to explain what the hell was said rather than resorting to the ridiculous hand-wringing dramatics. Your DD must be very confused and hurt, even if she did say something it probably wasn't intended maliciously, and your MIL is being very cruel.

Badvocsanta Tue 20-Nov-12 17:12:15

Your mil sounds very petty and silly.
She doesn't want to see or speak to your dd for a while?
Fine.
Don't send a letter.
Don't do anything.
It will blow over.

akaemmafrost Tue 20-Nov-12 17:13:01

I can't believe that a 7 year old has been guilt tripped about this to be honest. Dd feels much better now? There was nothing to feel bad about in the first place. Sorry but I would be telling Granny to get a grip pronto!

BlueberryHill Tue 20-Nov-12 17:27:27

Just a suggestion but your MIL may think that you don't want your DD to have sleepovers with them and you have said so in your DD presence, hence DD repeating what you have said.

I may be reading it wrong but because you posted previously that DD didn't stay over until she was older and it was perceived as you not letting go. Out of the mouths of babes etc.

I think it is shocking of your MIL to be behaving like a spoilt child / drama queen (take your pick) over this, refusing to explain, not your seeing your DD for weeks until the pain has gone..... It just makes everyone walk on eggshells around her in an attempt not to offend. I speak from experience on this one.

BlueberryHill Tue 20-Nov-12 17:35:58

Oh, do you really need to apologise. A similar situation happened to a friend of mine, the PIL in question were upset about it, but instead of punishing their GC looked at ways of making his time with them more exciting. Exactly how GPs should behave, like mature adults.

I think that your MIL will have to rachet up the pain that it has caused, all of her own making, to justify the fuss that she is making about nothing.

MikeOxard Tue 20-Nov-12 18:05:37

Sounds like your MIL overreacted massively to nothing. Dd was not rude, just upset. Your Dh was very wrong to tell dd off for upsetting his mum when he didn't even know what was said and she has form for overreacting previously. He really upset your dd for nothing, she shouldn't have been told off for that. Before speaking to dd about anything, it should have been clarified with MIL what was actually said, and then MIL should have been told to get a bloody grip. Poor dd, I'm not surprised she likes it better at the other grandparents' house.

alwaysworriedtoo Tue 20-Nov-12 18:08:34

I just wish she would get it out in the open what I have done to offend her.It must be me if DD isn't to blame.
I want a list so I can see and than answer to 'my crimes'!
BLUEBERRYHILL, Is your experience any better now? Or are you still really carefull?
I do feel that if I just say 'sorry for offending you/have said something to hurt you' that it will be a bit of an empty sorry because I don't know what it is that has 'done it'
Thanks for all your support/ideas everyone. thanks

Badvocsanta Tue 20-Nov-12 18:10:28

Stop worrying.
It's not your fault or your Dds.
Your mil is silly and hugely over reacted.
She it'll realise that in time.
Let it go.

alwaysworriedtoo Tue 20-Nov-12 18:17:04

MikeOxard Now dh has seen the reply he is ok again. I think it was the shock of seing his mum in tears and getting the impression that it was his own daughter that had done that.
He too is wondering if it is a build up of stuff that mil has been bottling up. But she needs to tell us!

alwaysworriedtoo Tue 20-Nov-12 18:18:11

Thanks Badvocsanta!

Badvocsanta Tue 20-Nov-12 18:35:51

I am old and wise.
Trust me
<nods sagely >
smile

Badvocsanta Tue 20-Nov-12 18:40:33

....well...I'm old sad

akaemmafrost Tue 20-Nov-12 19:00:05

Sorry but BOTH MIL and your DH sound like complete drama queens.

schobe Tue 20-Nov-12 19:11:11

Your DH was spot on when he said it will all turn out to be your fault. Her email translates as:
it's not DD's fault = it's YOURS
Don't question her = stop stirring, looking for trouble and trying to twist things
there is nothing to apologise for = she's an innocent child whereas YOU should apologise daily
out of the mouths of babes = she's repeating what you've told her about it being so much nicer at your mum's house, turning her against her gran

There's obviously a huge undercurrent here about you and she not getting along (in her mind at least). Obviously we've only had your side of the story and from that she sounds loopy.

The only thing I would wonder about was why you invited both grandmother's swimming - and without telling your mil that was the plan. You must know there is this tension there and she is insecure about not being favourite granny?

BlueberryHill Tue 20-Nov-12 19:17:27

always, it is still the same but its my DM. I just try (and usually fail) to not let it bother me. I never know what it is I have done, I've said something wrong and apparently offended by mother. Both my parents then give me the silent treatment to make me feel bad. I don't think they articulate their feelings like that, but that is the result. In the end, a couple of weeks pass, nothing is explained or discussed and it is as though nothing has happened. The rest of the time we have a good relationship and they are great with the GC, there is just a blow up every 9 / 12 months and its a price I pay. I'm trying to deal with it objectively but it hurts.

Anyway, I hope this is sorted out but adults shouldn't use children as pawns. Your DD has done nothing wrong.

KeepYerTitsIn Tue 20-Nov-12 19:22:23

Your MIL, as I'm sure you realise, is behaving like a child and being manipulative. Your DH is enabling her and being unfair to DD. And vigglewiggle sounds like a rather nasty person. Ignore all the childish behaviour and tell DH he needs to stand up for you and his DD.

helpyourself Tue 20-Nov-12 19:27:40

Meh, MIL's a drama queen, but really don't engage. Poor Dd.

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