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I feel sick, im so worn down!

(60 Posts)
mosschops30 Sun 18-Nov-12 14:06:04

Many of you will know ive had issues with dh.
I felt that all was good because he didnt beat me, fuck other women and worked hard.
Being on here lots of people felt i was selling myself short.
Im increasingly unhappy, cant talk to dh about anything, he either sulks in a mood, or shouts. He makes me think im being dramatic or too demanding.
Weve just got home from rugby and he upset ds1, nothing serious but just general winding up and ds1 ended up in tears, and i ave to say i know how he feels. Sometimes i just want to cry too.
So now dh has stormed out, making it all about him, as usual. He came back and said hes sick of walking on egg shells and i said maybe he could think about how his behaviour affects us all. Hes gone out again now sad

dont know how to feel or what to think, but im sure i cant go on living like this

TwinkleReturns Sun 18-Nov-12 20:41:25

Moss my SDad was a decent bloke some of the time. So was AFs Dad, so was my sexually and emotionally abusive ex. That doesnt mean that you blindly ignore everything else just because sometimes he is decent. Decent wont be what's standing out to your DS and it certainly isnt standing out to me.

mosschops30 Sun 18-Nov-12 20:43:01

Am I destined to a life of knitting a cardigan out of my own hair grin

AnyFucker Sun 18-Nov-12 20:44:32

It is under your control, moss. Laughs aside.

Guiltypleasures001 Sun 18-Nov-12 23:05:10

I know some of the stories the ladies have to tell on here are in the extreme, but I can vouch for the fact that stuff we as adults think is by the by actually has a massive effect on kids, I see this every week, and despair of the sort of stuff we as parents allow our kids to see and experience.

By the Sat afternoon I just want to scoop them up and take them home, but I cant all I can do is try to give them the skills to get through and deal with their issues and give them some hope for their future.

JustFabulous Mon 19-Nov-12 07:39:23

mosscops30, how are you today?

Also, there is someone posting as mosschopz on another thread and I asked if they were mosschops.

joblot Mon 19-Nov-12 08:07:56

He sounds horrible and as if he does not like or respect you. Unbearable. Good luck getting rid

TwinkleReturns Mon 19-Nov-12 12:08:35

When i was living with my ex and trying to decide if he was abusive or not I used to go on and on about context. Its all very black and white when you write posts out; my situation with my parents reads as very extreme compared to your situation but at the time it never feels that extreme.

With my mum and SDad, things shifted slowly over time so that I didnt really notice that he stopped paying me any attention as I was busy with after school clubs, homework, exams, being out with friends etc. It slowly dawned on me that he had started to be "off" but put it down to all sorts as did my mum. For years I accepted the argument that he found it difficult to relate to a teenage girl, felt awkward around me when I was hormonal and having teen strops, didnt like to see me and mum arguing and so "withdrew". As an adult I can see that he just didnt give a toss, resented my presence as soon as mum became pregnant, slowly phased me out of his new little family.

When I now post about the situation its with the hindsight of knowledge - knowing that I can condense it all into a few paragraphs and knowing that the problems I had were due to that situation.
I didnt wake up one morning and say to my mum "I am underweight, have stunted puberty, am being sick all the time, hate my SDad and want you to do something" because life doesnt happen like that. I had lots of little conversations just like your DS had with you where I said that I wasnt happy. I was 14, I didnt understand that being sick all the time and weird periods was related to the stress I was under so i wasnt able to connect them. My mother was and chose not to. She watched me progressively getting worse and becoming more and more unhappy and isolated over a period of years and refused to join up the dots. Even when it had got to a point where it was staring her in the face she still couldnt add it all up.

She should have listened before the damage was done. If a child is unhappy at school we listen and we consider going to talk to their teacher/ head of year etc. We work out how we can fix this. So why should home be any different? You dont need to wait until your child is damaged to the point that they are ill, you dont need to read extreme ppsts on MN and think "well its not that bad and I wont let it get that bad" before you act. Damage control is far worse than prevention. The effect of my childhood on me is long term. I have no boundaries or understanding of red flags (without reading up and reteaching myself). I sought male approval throughout my late teens. I was sexually assaulted, I was raped and I waltzed into a highly abusive relationship. One of the first things I said to my ex when he tested the waters with EA was "No matter what you throw at me or however much you lash out I will not walk away from you, I will not give up on you" Which translated to him as "hello I am a human punchbag, please abuse me".

The damage that is done to DC just by allowing them to witness dysfunctional and EA relationships shapes their own boundaries, what they will and will not accept/how they will treat others. Girls are more likely to be abused, boys are more likely to have abusive traits. I watched my ex go from a damaged teenage boy to a cold, manipulative, controlling man. He had been witness to abuse and had been beaten and sexually abused as a young adult.

The information is all out there for you to take in at whatever pace you want to. Its hard to accept, believe me I know. But its harder still for my mother to understand how Ive turned out the way I have because she cannot accept what she allowed to happen. She will lie to herself until she dies because she cannot cope with the fact that she failed me as a mother time and time again.

AnyFucker Mon 19-Nov-12 12:11:53

I am so sorry, twinkle x

mosschops30 Mon 19-Nov-12 22:13:50

It's been an odd day, normally I would send him a text or call after a row, but last night I had some wine, got dinner for me and the dcs, ignored him completely. Today he couldn't bloody wait to talk to me, all we need to work it out for the dcs.

I told him this is not over and I will not sweep issues under the carpet this time I want things dealt with or else x

AnyFucker Mon 19-Nov-12 23:55:32

Push/pull

It's all a game, ain't it

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