Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I think our marriage is over

(32 Posts)
Owlwing Sat 17-Nov-12 19:39:35

Have namechanged for this. It is long, sorry in advance.

I met my husband eleven years ago, and he asked me to move in with him almost immediately. I had just turned 21, he was 28, we met through a mutual hobby.

He was the first person that I had ever had sex with, btw, so I had/have no one to compare him to. I found sex to be painful, and was always very nervous about it. He said it was just me. Maybe this is true. I'm not sure. He used to want sex all the time - every night. I was uncomfortable with the idea of giving him oral sex. He said I would have to do it eventually. I was embarrassed by this and went along with him. (I still hate oral sex, btw. I don't like receiving it either.)

We lived with his parents at first, then after six months he proposed. I had doubts at the time, but I was scared he would attempt suicide if I turned him down - he had told me that he had tried to kill himself before, but had survived. He said no one else knew he was depressed, and that I was his lifeline, had changed his world. So I said yes.

We moved into a rented house near to where his parents lived. He promised we would move closer to my side of the family in a few years. He has since refused to do this several times. I only get to see them once a month at most because of distance. We see his relations regularly. In fact, we ended up moving even closer to his parents.

I cannot have children, due to fertility issues. When we found out, I told him I would understand if he wanted to split up so that he could have a family with someone else. He told me he would rather castrate himself than cheat on me. Then he said he knew I didn't enjoy sex because I was asexual, and that he wouldn't pressure me.

Apparently this meant that he wouldn't ever initiate sex again. Or be intimate at all. Well, except when he was in the mood. Every so often he insists on sex. I never say no as it's the only time he touches me now. So for the past three years, we haven't done it more than once every couple of months. And only if I dress up - he expects me to seduce him but he never attempts this in return.

At first I was glad he wasn't wanting sex every night. But I missed being cuddled, kissed, etc. And I hated the fact that he only seemed to want anal or oral sex now. Ever since we found out I can't have children, normal intercourse just doesn't happen.

I tried to dissuade him from anal sex once or twice, but he ignored me and did it anyway. So now I just let him do what he wants, in the hope that it won't hurt too much, and that he might bother to give me an orgasm afterwards. Usually he goes to sleep instead.

I told him I wasn't happy in our relationship. He assured me that it was because I was asexual. I insisted that no, I deserved affection outside of sex, and that he needed to be more considerate during sex anyway. He apologised and promised he would change.

That was a month ago. He was affectionate for maybe a week, if that. Then he stopped again. He has gone back to ignoring me. No affection or sex. I don't mind anymore, tbh. I no longer want him to touch me. I dislike even sharing a bed with him.

I want out. But here is my difficulty. Due to us both being disabled, we are on benefits. I would love to be fit to work, and to be fair so would he. We have tried to get back into work, but have so far been turned away as unfit.

So we have a low income, and our rent is covered by housing benefit. We are lucky that we are in a nice area, with good neighbours. But it makes saving difficult - financially, I am not sure I can afford to divorce him. Although my dad might give me some money if I tell him. I don't want to worry him though, as he has a heart condition and lives alone. My mum died suddenly a couple of years ago, just as I was getting up the nerve to tell them about my marriage. I kept it to myself instead.

After mum died I had counselling. I told the counsellor some of my concerns - not the sex stuff, I was too embarrased. But I told her about the way my husband hordes stuff, including rubbish. And how he spends hours playing on his computer, and never lifts a finger to do any housework. But still controls exactly what we eat, as he insists that I am incapable of cooking.

Oh, and if he sees me doing any cleaning he at once makes me stop and sit down! Apparently this is his job - but he lets it all pile up and if I say anything I am nagging him?! I hate this! I would rather do everything myself, because then it gets done. He won't let me. He even hid my alarm clock so that I would sleep in whenever I tried to get a normal routine going.

My counsellor asked me what I wanted to do. I told her I wanted to leave him, but I wasn't ready yet. I wanted to save up some money first. I actually managed to save several hundred, but then one of our pets had to have emergency surgery and the car needed work done...guess who paid for everything?

I don't mind paying the vet bill, but my husband owns the car and he is meant to have the money to maintain it. He had spent it on other things. So now I am penniless again. And he is resisting my efforts to clear out all the junk that he has horded - I am making him do it though.

I am a horrible person. I am making him help me get the house sorted out so that I am not ashamed to let people in to visit. I want to get this done now, before I tell him to go. I know my family will insist on visiting when that happens and I don't want to be humiliated when they see the house.

I am not worrying about the money side anymore. If I keep putting this off until I have savings, I will never do it. I realise this now. If I get really stuck, I will ask my dad for help, or apply for a loan. I have never applied for a loan before.

I am scared. I am really alone and scared. My husband has worked his way into every angle of my life - I no longer have any friends of my own. Just mutual friends, and they prefer him as he turns on the charm around other people. He is very charismatic when it suits him. I am quite reserved in comparison, but before I knew him I was good at socialising! I still am until he arrives and takes over. He does this every time I meet new people, btw.

Please don't let me back out of this. There is a small, stupid part of me that is still addicted to him. Please tell me not to let that part control me.

Thanks if you are still here.

Whatnowffs Sat 17-Nov-12 19:48:13

Oh God, what a horrible situation you in - this man is at best abusive! He forced anal sex on you - you know what this means don't you honey?

What is your disability? You will still be entitled to housing and benefits you know.

Please ring Woman's Aid, they will give you all the information you need.

You are right, you must not back out of this - get away from this vile life sucking leach, you will be surprised at how much better you feel, and you never knwo you might actually enjoy sex again, you aren't asexual he is just fucking useless and i wouldn't want him anywhere NEAR me!

Whatnowffs Sat 17-Nov-12 19:49:19
SageMist Sat 17-Nov-12 19:50:54

Just walk out the door. There are no children stopping you. Just go, leave this vile, vile man and go to your dad. I'm sure your dad wouldn't want you to live like this.

JustFabulous Sat 17-Nov-12 19:54:17

You sound utterly amazing and could be even more so with the right support. Call women's aid, talk to your dad. You can do this.

Owlwing Sat 17-Nov-12 19:56:45

Thank you. I am avoiding involving my dad if possible as he had a heart attack recently. But I will contact Woman's Aid.

SanctuaryMoon Sat 17-Nov-12 20:00:17

I have no advice, but I really feel for you - I am so sorry you have been through all of this and continue to go through it. Don't be ashamed of the state of the house - this isn't your doing! And I am sure your family will help you bring it up to scratch when he's gone x

HavingALittleFaithBaby Sat 17-Nov-12 20:01:44

You're not a horrible person! You're someone who has been stuck in a difficult marriage for a long time. It's not unreasonable to get him to help you clean up if the house is a mess! But there's obviously deeper issues.
It doesn't sound like he's going to change. I agree with contacting women's aid to talk things through and plan how to leave, how you'll manage financially if you do go.
Honestly? It's sounds like your marriage has been over for a long time. Good luck sorting things out.

Guiltypleasures001 Sat 17-Nov-12 20:02:03

You need to leave op he has imprisoned you, sounds like you might have a little bit of something they call stockholm sydrome, go google it. Dont think it through just go to your family.

Owlwing Sat 17-Nov-12 20:06:09

I don't want to leave as although I am not near my family, I like my neighbours. I like the area. This is my home and I won't give it up. He can go back to his parents if need be until he finds somewhere else.

I am worried about housing benefit though. I am 32; as a single woman under 35 I would only be entitled to rent a room, not even to get a flat. And if I move back in with dad, I would probably lose any right to benefits at all. I think I will contact citizen's advice too.

Owlwing Sat 17-Nov-12 20:12:19

I don't have stockholm syndrome. I just hate the idea of being financially dependent on my dad! Also I have a dog and dad really doesn't like pets.

I refuse to let myself be utterly dependent on anyone from now on. I am moving into the spare room tonight. With the dog, btw. He's very loyal. I know I can protect myself physically and tbh I don't think my husband would hit me. But I'm not putting myself into a situation where sex could feasibly occur. So I won't be sharing a bed with him anymore.

Is it wrong that I am waiting until he finishes painting the kitchen ceiling to tell him that I want a divorce? I think he owes me that ceiling.

Owlwing Sat 17-Nov-12 20:22:22

I am trembling now that this thread is up. A mix of nerves and elation. Not fear though. I'm not afraid of him. Just determined to get this done properly. I don't want to end up worse off - homeless, etc.

We have lived here for seven years. It is a council house, both our names are on the tenancy. This may be in my favour, as it would cost about the same to rent a room. So hopefully I will just have to cover the under occupancy charge. That will be about £80 a month. I can manage to find that much. I can do this.

I have a savings account that is in my name only. And we have a joint account that all the bills come out of. I would need to sort that out. Get broadband in my name too. I have a mobile, so I don't need to sort out a landline.

Have to go plug in. I will be back.

RSVPentathlon Sat 17-Nov-12 20:37:00

No advice really.
Just wanted to say that you are NOT a horrible person.
Best of luck and stay strong!

marriedinwhite Sat 17-Nov-12 20:40:28

Oh gosh OP it all sounds outrageously awful for you and yet you have suffered such awfulness for 11 years. Glad you seem to know what you are entitled to and what you need though - make sure you get to CAB to make sure you do exactly the right thing.

Glad you are in a nice area - is there a little iron bridge close by?

Owlwing Sat 17-Nov-12 20:40:38

Thanks again. I am seeing my dad on Monday, and I will ask him if I can borrow some money then. I will try not to bring up the details if possible.

I will update again tomorrow.

Owlwing Sat 17-Nov-12 20:41:23

Iron bridge? No, sorry.

Ullena Sat 17-Nov-12 20:49:26

That really is horrible, op sad

All the best and don't be ashamed to tell people!

ccarpenton Sat 17-Nov-12 21:43:21

You walked into a relationship you didn't want because you thought he might kill himself? You didn't bring up your feelings about sex for years? You wanted to move nearer your parents but moved nearer his instead? You don't want to ask your dad for money because he has a weak heart? And on, and on, and on ...

You're right. You don't have stockholm syndrome. You have "martyr" syndrome and are with a "user" who can feed that need. Your counsellor has never mentioned that to you? By counsellor, do you mean telephone psychic by any chance?

I'm amazed that you are actually getting out. You've described a textbook "martyr". Amazed. Absolutely amazed ... unless you come back in a couple of month's time saying "I couldn't do it ..."

Greymalken Sat 17-Nov-12 22:04:32

I am really sorry to hear about your circumstances I recommend getting aid speak to Women's Aid there is help out there take advantage of it.

Whatnowffs Sat 17-Nov-12 22:11:07

ccarpenton - you are way of out of order mate hmm

Anniegetyourgun Sat 17-Nov-12 22:19:08

Guessing ccarpenton has never found him or herself in an abusive relationship hmm I suppose it is hard for someone who hasn't been there to realise it's surprisingly easy to sleepwalk into something you thought was perhaps not perfect, but decent enough; only to find a few years later the goalposts have subtly shifted until you're on another pitch altogether. And then find circumstances have been so manipulated that it's really difficult to get out, plus confidence eroded so you don't even believe you could manage on your own. There's an awful lot of it about.

Ullena Sat 17-Nov-12 22:48:24

Here's hoping the op comes back at all after that!

RSVPentathlon Sat 17-Nov-12 23:22:25

what an odd, insensitive post ccarpeton... hmm

Owlwing Sat 17-Nov-12 23:35:53

I really do need to get to sleep but first of all I am not a martyr! I was naieve and too trusting, and I didn't have the confidence or the sexual experience to recognise my relationship as abusive. I have changed since then. And my counsellor was with the NHS, btw. I didn't tell her about the sex stuff because I was embarrassed! I don't want to share that with anyone. I just want to move on, thank you.

I have told my husband that I won't be sharing a bed with him anymore. He asked why and I showed him this thread. He was very quiet for a while, and then he asked me if I wanted him to go. I told him he can stay in the spare room for now, but that we are finished as a couple. He has agreed to this. He is going to see about getting some professional help himself regarding his depression and the hording of things. And to rethink his attitudes regarding women and sex. At the moment, he is boxing up old magazines ready to take them to the recycling centre on Monday while I am at my dad's house.

So we are finished. But practically speaking we will be sharing a house for a while. It isn't perfect, but it is the only way this will work financially. I am going to speak to a solicitor on Thursday about getting a divorce. I will ask my dad to lend me the money for this - I will tell him what I need to and no more.

My husband has written and signed a letter stating that he agrees to the divorce and that he will not contest it. I think he has had a short sharp shock tonight. I should have talked it through with him years ago, I know, but I was never confident enough. I am now though.

I'm signing off now, but wanted to thank you all again. I will still be on the forum under my usual name.

Ullena Sat 17-Nov-12 23:44:00

Good for you, op smile thanks

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now