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Upset by what dp said but am I over reacting?

(34 Posts)
ChocolateCoins Sat 17-Nov-12 12:02:08

I have a 14 month old dd and pregnant with dc2. I'm also a SAHM.

I've been suffering from all day morning sickness, I'm really scared im going to get hyperemesis again. (extreme morning sickness, I was in hospital during last pregnancy) anyway, because of this, and the fact I have a toddler to look after, I haven't really done much housework this week. Just the essentials.

This morning, me and dp had a bit of a disagreement and it just escalated all of a sudden. He then said, I had an easy life because I don't work (Id love to know who'd pay the £700 nursery fees if I did!) and he was fed up because he had had to everything this week. He then went on to say I was lucky he didn't come home from work and beat me up because I hadn't done much housework like other men would!

I'm really upset by this. I know it sounds stupid but it scared me a little bit. I already feel quite emotional as I feel so sick and I'm worried about the future with having 2 under 2. I have no friends and all my family are hundreds of miles away. Dp doesn't help me with ddand even admits this.

Do you think I am over reacting? Is it just the pregnancy hormones making me feel like this?

strumpetpumpkin Sat 17-Nov-12 15:40:11

wha wha wha WHAT??

he said WHAT?

youre not overreacting

Conflugenglugen Sat 17-Nov-12 15:34:18

BristolBanshee -

"There is little correlation, according to NSPCC, that links children of DV being perps. A person that has never experienced this can also become a violent bully. It's not an excuse."

I disagree with your statement wholeheartedly. Let me count the ways:

www.domesticviolenceroundtable.org/effect-on-children.html
peekabooicu2.50megs.com/victims-predicting.html
www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/usermanuals/domesticviolence/domesticviolencec.cfm - See "Root Causes"

And I did not state, nor was I implying, it is an excuse. Nor did I state that those who weren't abused could not also become abusers.

Lovey you absolutely don't deserve this, even the whole "easy life" thing (my dad wouldn't DREAM of saying anything like that to my mum because he respects and loves her too much, even though her own family makes it very clear what they think- that she does have an easy life) and you are not overreacting at all.

You deserve to be treated with kindness and gentleness, and especially when you're feeling so bad AND you're pregnant. He shouldn't even let a disagreement escalate- you're ill.
He sounds unhinged- and you're having a very normal reaction to this, don't let him make you think it's just you being hormonal. He sounds scary to me. Has he apologised yet?

IShallCallYouSquishy Sat 17-Nov-12 14:10:36

You're lucky he doesn't beat you up? What the fuck? Well yes I guess you are lucky you aren't in an abusive relationship but who the hell would say that?!

You're pregnant, you're unwell, you have a toddler to look after and you work bloody hard doing it.

Nothing constructive to say I'm afraid but I was angry when I read that "lucky" bit. He's lucky you don't lace his dinner with arsenic.

AnnaFurLact1c Sat 17-Nov-12 14:05:56

Was this his idea of a 'joke?' Was it said with menace and an air of threat or with a ' a ha ha ha ' tagged on to the end of it?

Either way, it's deeply wrong and weird but one interpretation means you probably have to make plans to leave and actually.... he's a twat regardless.

Doha Sat 17-Nov-12 13:42:35

And you are still with him---why?????

He is not a good dad, he is not a good partner.

Do you not want better for yourself and your DD and DC to be??

Go to your parents, get your health and head better. I am sure you will see him for the useless cunt that he is

Snazzyfeelingfestive Sat 17-Nov-12 13:36:43

How dare he say you don't work, when you do all the childcare - and much worse, how dare he think he has the right to hit you if you don't do housework! I agree with going to stay with your family for a while - you need to be around people who will look after you, not threaten to hit you!

pollyblue Sat 17-Nov-12 13:27:42

Of course you're not over reacting. Severe sickness in pregnancy is horribly debilitating, and if you have a toddler to care for it's hard to rest.

He should be caring for you, not scaring the living daylights out of you. That's bloody disgraceful.

In your shoes i'd think seriously about going to your Mums with your DD until you are feeling better. And don't be afraid to tell her why.

gingangoolie Sat 17-Nov-12 13:19:07

Can u get in touch with your mum and get her to come and stay with you or vice versa
So sorry he said that what a thoughtless idiot

OxfordBags Sat 17-Nov-12 13:12:13

If you needed -or need - some looking after, why isn't HE doing it? If you are pg, feeling rough and looking after a boisterous toddler, why isn't he showing sympathy and cutting you some slack by helping out instead of moaning and threatening you? And why, most of all, why, is he bringing domestic violence into anything?! He sounds totally selfish, uncaring, immature, unable to deal with reality and abusive.

Even without the being beaten up comment, he sounds a total prick. Not lifting a finger to help when any normal, decent man would want to both do stuff with and for their child and give their partner a break, is disgraceful but then to moan about you not doing enough is vile.

My love, you are UNDER-reacting! Just the fact that you'd question yourself or try to excuse hormones shows he's done a real job on destroying your self-esteem.

You need to get away. Even without the abuse aspect, if you do get very sick, you need someone to help you with your DD, and it's clearly not going to be him. She can't be allowed to suffer because her father is a nasty, self-centred pig. Furthermore, you can't let her grow up in a house where men speak to women like this,otherwise it's just training her to be a future abuse victim.

SamSmalaidh Sat 17-Nov-12 13:10:31

It sounds like he has you in a very vulnerable position - pregnant, ill, caring alone for a baby and responsible for all the housework - and now he's making sure you know how vulnerable you are by threatening violence sad

This is not normal behaviour. Most men in his situation would be helping their partner out with childcare and housework, not expecting her to do it all, and definitely not making threats!

I think you should take this very seriously too, and try to make yourself safe - have an escape plan, call your mum and tell her what he said, go and stay with her if you feel unsafe.

Notmadeofrib Sat 17-Nov-12 12:51:05

He has a very upsetting and distorted view of life. I don't think I'd run for the hills just yet (but I'd be ready). You need to talk to him about this, it is a very threatening and frankly vile thing to say and very worrying that he believes this is how other people conduct themselves.
I hope I'm not being optimistic to believe you could discuss this with him.

Good luck.x

BristolBanshee Sat 17-Nov-12 12:46:23

There is little correlation, according to NSPCC, that links children of DV being perps. A person that has never experienced this can also become a violent bully. It's not an excuse.

I'm not sure, OP, how you can remain living with this guy.

ChippingInLovesAutumn Sat 17-Nov-12 12:42:16

He then went on to say I was lucky he didn't come home from work and beat me up because I hadn't done much housework like other men would!

You can't stay with him - and why would you want to? His thinly veiled threats will become your reality sad

I am sure that the thought of 2 under 2 on your own is a bit scary - but he will not help, he will only make things 1000x times worse. You need to sort this now.

What is your housing situation own/rent privately/rent from HA ?

FlaminNoraImPregnantPanda Sat 17-Nov-12 12:36:46

Gosh OP, that's awful. I'm also pregnant, don't work (no children to look after either) and have done pretty much bugger all for the past 2 months. My husband works exceptionally long hours and his response to coming home to a pigsty and no dinner is 'are you ok, what do I need to do today? Make a list of other stuff and I'll do it at the weekend'.

Conflugenglugen Sat 17-Nov-12 12:27:13

"He always says he would kill his dad if he ever saw him which makes me wonder why he said this to me as he's so anti dv."

Unfortunately, it doesn't tend to work this way, OP. DV begets DV, and what some adults grow up promising themselves they will never do becomes the very thing that consumes them.

I would take his threat very seriously.

tribpot Sat 17-Nov-12 12:26:33

Well my DH (a SAHD) does practically no housework. Should he be grateful I don't come home and beat him up? He's in a wheelchair - you're suffering from dreadful morning sickness. Do stay-at-home partners need a reason if they are to avoid taking a beating at the hands of their spouse?

Why doesn't he help you with your dd?

PickledFanjoCat Sat 17-Nov-12 12:26:09

I'm shocked op. was this his idea of a joke?

It's an awful thing to say.

MrRected Sat 17-Nov-12 12:22:37

I won't say that you should leave him. We don't know the full context.

I will say that I feel extraordinarily sorry for you - caring for a toddler whilst puking and feeling like death is a type of hell that only a woman who has suffered morning sickness can understand. It's debilitating and very soul destroying. I was sick with dc3 for 32 weeks and it was horrendous.

I would, pack a bag and head to family for a while for a bit of support and r&r. While you are away you can assess what you need and want.

ChocolateCoins Sat 17-Nov-12 12:21:47

I have to go now as he is home but I will check back later. Thank you all for your replies.

Haughtyculture Sat 17-Nov-12 12:17:25

Are you ok, OP? I too agree with those that say you need to get out of this relationship.

Jemma1111 Sat 17-Nov-12 12:16:37

What a WANKER he is!

Only an abuser would talk like this . Seriously, I would think long and hard about staying with someone like him. His attitude will only get worse, he's trying to 'put you in your place' so you do as he wants regarding housework or whatever and he's letting you know that he's more than capable of beating you if you don't 'bow down' to him.

Don't put up with it

izzyizin Sat 17-Nov-12 12:16:19

What is it with these lowlife creatures? They're not fit to call themselves 'men' and they're certainly not fit for polite society.

There's only one way to deal with a tosser like him and that is to adopt a policy of zero tolerance to anything he says that hints of threat and/or intimidation.

He's had his one strike - now get him the fuck out of your home or leave yourself. If he should kick off, call 999 and get the police to remove him.

MyLastDuchess Sat 17-Nov-12 12:13:35

Yes it is an outrageous thing to say. Does he realise that it's more common for DV to begin during pregnancy?

Anyway it's against the law to hit someone, it makes no difference whether you are family or not.

I would say that most men would be disgusted by the suggestion that they would break the law and harm a loved one just because the house wasn't tidy, regardless of the reason.

ChocolateCoins Sat 17-Nov-12 12:13:15

He's mentioned dv before but never like this. His dad used to beat his mum but he never remembers this as she left when he was a baby. He always says he would kill his dad if he ever saw him which makes me wonder why he said this to me as he's so anti dv. Iykwim?

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