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Do I tell my "friend" how upset and offended I am after her little dinner party or just ignore her?

(75 Posts)
CindySherman Fri 16-Nov-12 17:58:18

Ok will try not to ramble as it has been a highly emotional couple of weeks and I want to make sense.

I have known a lady, lets call her Nikki for a few years through DD nursery school. Not a heart to heart friendship more of a drinks, nights out and occasional dinners. She always seemed nice enough with a bit of an edge to her, says what she means quite bluntly but that never really bothered me. English is not her first language so I just put it down to a cultural difference. She has a great sense of humor and fun.
Anyway she invited me to drinks / buffet dinner at her place a few weeks back which I said I would go although DH could not make it. When I turned up there were just couples present, very cold, quiet people not at all warm to me and I felt oh dear may have misjudged this one will just stay for a few and leave.
That was the plan. Nikki and her DH were friendly enough but not overly so and he made me these ridiculously strong cocktails I was struggling to drink but I ended up drinking more than I wanted to as it was relaxing me in this situation.
Towards the end of the night Nikki was making really catty comments, referring to friends of mine she had met when at my place at a party I held in Summer - saying they were "mad" and "strange". They had been nothing but nice to her actually, unlike her friends to me! Her and her DH had a bit of a joke about one of my friends expense. I had the feeling I just wanted to go so I went to call a cab. By this point the room was spinning after these dreadful cocktails.
The last thing I remember about the night was one of her friends Husbands making a really personal comment about my physical appearance (one which really cuts to the bone as I know it is not my best feature), Nikki actually stifled a laugh I remember that really clearly. Then I just got up and left I don't think I said goodbye as such.

This triggered a horrific anxiety attack for me for about a week. I suffer from depression and anxiety and I was so mad at myself for drinking too much and putting myself in this position where someone could hurt me. My councillor always says move out of your comfort zone and I did and I got badly burnt. I then deleted her from my phone and the dreaded FB as I found the whole thing really triggering.
Then DD got admitted to Hospital, she suffers from a condition which flares up and it potentially very serious. I have been v worried and stressed with this as you can imagine.
DD is better and improving but the stress levels are off the scale.
Nikki text me 2 days ago. She asked if she could call me. I replied v brief that I am in hospital with DD. She then asked me to call her and wished that all was well.
I am certainly not going to call. I was a wreck after that party. But I wonder if I should send her a passing message or if she does contact me again if I should explain that I don't enjoy being invited to someone's house to be insulted. I really don't want her friendship. I can't risk it. But I am not sure if I should just let it go or what.

Thank you for reading this essay, would appreciate some advice.

Mintyy Sat 17-Nov-12 11:18:47

Sometimes different sets of friends just don't mix well ... I don't think that's really the host's fault is it?

Mintyy Sat 17-Nov-12 11:17:50

I'm rather surprised at how many of you would dump a friend after one less than perfect evening, tbh.

JustFabulous Sat 17-Nov-12 10:51:31

You are going to be stuck in limbo without speaking to her. You are going to have to get yourself out of the midset of her being a bleep and carrying on as before or ditching her completely, or you give her a chance and then make a decision on carrying on with the "friendship."

catstail Sat 17-Nov-12 09:39:40

yes, ditch her, but i think you will get over this more quickly and thoroughly if you let her speak to you and maybe apologise to you, and you finish up with the great comment from one of the earlier posts, something like, thank you for apologising, it was a very uncomfortable evening for me. then just brush her of and dont mix with her again. given your anxiety and mh issues, i think it might be easier or you to move on if you have some closure

I am a bit confused. If this was a one off, I would just put it down to 'dinner party gone wrong', it's slightly embarrassing for everyone concerned, but not enough (usually) to end a friendship over. But if there's other stuff and it's the final nail etc etc that's different.

Willabywallaby Fri 16-Nov-12 22:58:47

Letting things linger always fuels my anxiety. Just because you answer her call doesn't mean you have to continue the friendship.

EverybodysSnowyEyed Fri 16-Nov-12 22:57:12

I agree with Willa

She may be trying to call you to apologise in which case you have two choices;
1) Maintain the friendship on a once every so often coffee and catch up
2) Tell her that whilst you accept her apology, you don't feel the friendship can continue as you have enough stresses in your life

If she is just calling to brush things under the carpet then just tell her that you were very upset by the party and don't feel you can continue with the friendship

Personally, I would nip it in the bud rather than let it die a slow lingering death as it is stressing you out at a time when you don't need it

Best wishes to your DD too

Willabywallaby Fri 16-Nov-12 22:52:17

I thin it would help you if you spoke to her, just to lay the incident to rest.

CindySherman Fri 16-Nov-12 22:41:51

Thank you Kew you have it spot on.

ninah Fri 16-Nov-12 22:41:35

what garlic said

Kewcumber Fri 16-Nov-12 22:31:07

The only thing I am really struggling to understand is why others on here think you are overreacting/poor judgement?

Baffles me too - OP doesn't seem to have been falling over/comatose drunk.

I have been very drunk on occasion (when I was younger and much more foolish) and have never forgotten anything (much though I tried).

Whatever the underlying cause the OP had a very uncomfortable evening - she didn't imagine that. It isn't the mark of a good friend if they don't go out of their way to put a guest who is a) on their own b) the only non-Turkish/albanian/Australian person there c) knows no-one else at their ease.

I have drifted apart from a "good" friend who treated me very similarly at a party. I don't need friends who make me feel like shit - I'm not quite sure what purpose they serve confused

CindySherman Fri 16-Nov-12 22:26:35

No I don't think she stifled a laugh she did.

I have explained the scenario in quite a lot of detail over my posts.
Thanks for all the helpful comments I am in a good place to move forward with this.

letseatgrandma Fri 16-Nov-12 22:21:05

I'm confused. One of the people at the dinner party said something rude about you (which you won't tell us) but when the hostess stifled a laugh (you think), he looked very embarrassed? That's odd and makes me think he didn't mean it.

Did you just get up and leave without saying anything at all? That's a bit rude. How drunk were you?

NoraGainesborough Fri 16-Nov-12 22:07:48

Just because OP struggles with anxiety/MHI does not make her nutty or unreliable?

I actually find that offensive. No one has suggested the op is 'nutty' but have questioned how accurate her recollection might be because she was drunk. Not because she has mental health issues.
and to suggest such is really offensive.

'1. Serving Strong cocktails is not really on. Most hosts take care that alcohol is measured out in either normal or low dosages to avoid drunkenness. '

This sounds v odd to me. Surely, as adults, the guests are able to decide whether or not, or indeed how much, they wish to drink? Blaming hosts for providing drinks seems most strange.

OP - I am sorry about your dd but your friend didn't cause that and she has wished you well re dd. It seems a bit churlish to refuse even to speak to her. If everybody had a lot to drink, then stupid comments might well have been made - but I'm sure it doesn't mean that everybody was picking on you. I understand that you felt a bit uncomfortable as the only non-coupled person there, but it does sound a bit of six of one and half a dozen of another, and if you like her, it does seem rather a storm in a teacup and not worth a massive falling out over imho.

Were the others all friends? Those sorts of dinner parties never work that well. I've been invited to one (with dh) before to make up numbers after a last minute cancellation and we were total odd ones out. I was driving so had to stay sober. Even my friend apologised for inviting us afterwards grin

It sounds a bit as if you're blaming her for inducing your anxiety. If she makes you feel uncomfortable then there's nothing wrong with ending the friendship (although tbh I would let it slide rather than get all confrontational as I don't think that will help).

Agree with what ProvincialLady said on page 1

CindySherman Fri 16-Nov-12 21:50:24

and bubble ! I will move on from her, I have some great advice here.

CindySherman Fri 16-Nov-12 21:47:53

Thank you itsall

Bubblegum78 Fri 16-Nov-12 21:47:43

To be more or less ignored, have your friends openly ridiculed and have nasty remarks made about your personal appearence is totally unacceptable.

I say ignore her for now, should you bump in to her just tell her you are busy with your daughter, you are an adult and need not explain yourself to anyone else.

The only thing I am really struggling to understand is why others on here think you are overreacting/poor judgement?

Just because OP struggles with anxiety/MHI does not make her nutty or unreliable?

(((HUGS))) xx

itsallinmyhead Fri 16-Nov-12 21:41:20

100% agree with Gwendoline

OP, I feel for you, for a situation that has left you feeling so anxious on top of your DD being ill.

Take care.

NoraGainesborough Fri 16-Nov-12 20:36:10

garlic is right. you don't have to like each others friends. but you could still be friend with the understanding you don't slag each others friends off.

NoraGainesborough Fri 16-Nov-12 20:35:14

But you were drunk OP. I am not saying when you arrived your were rude, but as the evening wore on and you got drunker, there may be stuff you have forgotten.

I am just saying that you should be prepared for anything if you discuss with her.

garlicbaguette Fri 16-Nov-12 20:34:05

Hmm, well it does look like the two of you might get on with each other better than with each other's friends! You each find the other's friends 'strange', yes? Assuming you can smooth things over satisfactorily, it might be best to recognise there is a limit to how well you fit into each other's lives.

CindySherman Fri 16-Nov-12 20:29:58

Thanks again. I didn't do anything offensive to anyone there though. I tried to make conversation with the others at the very beginning before any drinking got underway but they kind of stared at me blankly, - they all knew each other quite well and are from the same native country though.
I know I said something like "We had a good night when you came over in summer" Then Nikki and her DH started poking fun at the others there (my good friends) "that Woman was strange.." I was just pretty quiet after that then waiting for my cab.

The only thing I did which may be considered rude was leaving v quickly and no grand goodbye, but under the circs I think that was justified tbh.
I do think if the comment/ laugh wasn't made I would have just thought oh not a great night but no huge deal.

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