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Do I tell my "friend" how upset and offended I am after her little dinner party or just ignore her?

(75 Posts)
CindySherman Fri 16-Nov-12 17:58:18

Ok will try not to ramble as it has been a highly emotional couple of weeks and I want to make sense.

I have known a lady, lets call her Nikki for a few years through DD nursery school. Not a heart to heart friendship more of a drinks, nights out and occasional dinners. She always seemed nice enough with a bit of an edge to her, says what she means quite bluntly but that never really bothered me. English is not her first language so I just put it down to a cultural difference. She has a great sense of humor and fun.
Anyway she invited me to drinks / buffet dinner at her place a few weeks back which I said I would go although DH could not make it. When I turned up there were just couples present, very cold, quiet people not at all warm to me and I felt oh dear may have misjudged this one will just stay for a few and leave.
That was the plan. Nikki and her DH were friendly enough but not overly so and he made me these ridiculously strong cocktails I was struggling to drink but I ended up drinking more than I wanted to as it was relaxing me in this situation.
Towards the end of the night Nikki was making really catty comments, referring to friends of mine she had met when at my place at a party I held in Summer - saying they were "mad" and "strange". They had been nothing but nice to her actually, unlike her friends to me! Her and her DH had a bit of a joke about one of my friends expense. I had the feeling I just wanted to go so I went to call a cab. By this point the room was spinning after these dreadful cocktails.
The last thing I remember about the night was one of her friends Husbands making a really personal comment about my physical appearance (one which really cuts to the bone as I know it is not my best feature), Nikki actually stifled a laugh I remember that really clearly. Then I just got up and left I don't think I said goodbye as such.

This triggered a horrific anxiety attack for me for about a week. I suffer from depression and anxiety and I was so mad at myself for drinking too much and putting myself in this position where someone could hurt me. My councillor always says move out of your comfort zone and I did and I got badly burnt. I then deleted her from my phone and the dreaded FB as I found the whole thing really triggering.
Then DD got admitted to Hospital, she suffers from a condition which flares up and it potentially very serious. I have been v worried and stressed with this as you can imagine.
DD is better and improving but the stress levels are off the scale.
Nikki text me 2 days ago. She asked if she could call me. I replied v brief that I am in hospital with DD. She then asked me to call her and wished that all was well.
I am certainly not going to call. I was a wreck after that party. But I wonder if I should send her a passing message or if she does contact me again if I should explain that I don't enjoy being invited to someone's house to be insulted. I really don't want her friendship. I can't risk it. But I am not sure if I should just let it go or what.

Thank you for reading this essay, would appreciate some advice.

JustFabulous Fri 16-Nov-12 18:23:45

I think you have been hurt and for good reason.

She insulted your friends.

She invited you to her home and didn't make you feel welcome - purely a hosts primary job.

I hope your DD Is okay.

If you don't want to be friends, then don't respond but is there a chance she wants to apologise?

LynetteScavo Fri 16-Nov-12 18:24:54

I wouldn't just blank her, unless you are 13. hmm End the friendship, but I think you need to explain to her why you are hurt.

You all had too much to drink, she was a bit rude about your friends (maybe her perception was they were mad and strange, even if you like them. One persons "mad" is another persons "sociable")

One of her freinds made a personal comment about you, and she tried to stiffle a laugh. (I take it she had been drinking, too)

Her friends were cold and quiet (she can hardly control her guests behavior), maybe they are shy?

You got up and walked out and have now deleted her from your phone and FB.

I must be missing something, becuase I can't see what has upset you so much

CindySherman Fri 16-Nov-12 18:25:35

I am v stupid for drinking them I totally agree that. I was a bit nervous as the others there were quite formal in their approach and I was on my own they were all in couples. I misjudged that but it is no ones fault at all just different personalities. I just wanted to set the scene.

The bitchy comment about my appearance and laugh from Nikki was what really upset me and triggered my reaction.

Exactly merlot and although my post did seem knee-jerk, I was saying what I would do if someone treated me like that. I was bullied at high school and wish I had stood up to the bints and I take a zero tolerance stance to bullies now. That is how it reads to me that this woman and her friends were to the OP. I admit I am sensitive to these things though. I think on the whole you can trust your instincts when someone is well-meaning, but makes a misjudged comment, or is an out and out bitch.

BeatTheClock Fri 16-Nov-12 18:29:01

I would've been knocking back those cocktails too in that situation. You were nervous and they were unkind.

CindySherman Fri 16-Nov-12 18:29:58

Thank you for the supportive messages. DD is on the mend smile

ok I think if she calls again I will speak to her. What should I say if she does apologise? What if she just calls to say hi? I really don't want a friendship with her anymore but you can't really say that to someone without sounding a bit odd.

schobe Fri 16-Nov-12 18:31:14

I would let it go and stop replying to her texts. You both know what happened and you clearly weren't particularly close before this party.

If she rings you, well you can either screen the call or see what she has to say. However, even of she was really drunk too and full of apologies, I really wouldn't want to see someone whose first reaction was to laugh at you, even if she then stifles the laugh.

Sounds like you got too drunk and then they all started bullying you like a bunch of schoolchildren. Ok it's not that socially cool to get wankered that quickly but hey, we're all human. And those of us with anxiety/depression/social phobia do tend to do this more often than most. Which is a pity as we then 'self-loathe' for ages afterwards. Life is too short - try to train your brain to think about other things and forget about her as an acquaintaince. No point agonising about it and analysing exactly what happened.

KeepYerTitsIn Fri 16-Nov-12 18:32:03

I'm really surprised that some posters don't see that your friend has behaved rudely towards you. You made it quite clear in your OP that she made catty comments about your friends, and laughed when one of her guests insulted you. Seems pretty clear cut tbh. I would guess that she knows perfectly well she has upset you and wants to make amends, for whatever reason. I'd be inclined, personally, to just ignore her - I don't think it's necessary to have it out with her as its not as if she doesn't already know that she behaved badly. Let her stew, and focus your energies on taking good care of yourself and your dd. I do hope she is on the mend now. And perhaps have a word with your doctor, as I know from personal experience that stress levels can shift and alter rapidly, and your medication may need updating. Best of luck.

CindySherman Fri 16-Nov-12 18:32:48

"I really wouldn't want to see someone whose first reaction was to laugh at you, even if she then stifles the laugh."

yes, this exactly!

SpringHeeledJack Fri 16-Nov-12 18:33:36

if she says sorry and sounds like she means it, could you not maybe just chalk it up to everyone being a bit pissed and awkward, and try and forgive her, assuming it's a one off?

hard, I know

hope dd is better- I remember your other thread!

She insulted your friends, her friends are rude, and she sniggered when someone made a horrible comment about you in your presence? They sound like a bunch of playground bullies.

I'd drop her like a hot brick. No one needs friends like that. And I'm bloody glad I don't know some of you in RL if that's what you think is acceptable behaviour to a friend and guest.

Kewcumber Fri 16-Nov-12 18:35:38

if she apologises - just say "thank for for apologising - i did find the evening very uncomfortable" then let the friendship drift into the kerb

BalloonSlayer Fri 16-Nov-12 18:35:54

"I remember for sure the man's comment, it was really what I would call bitchy and nasty she stifled a laugh and then the man looked embarrassed and went quiet."

Why would he look embarrassed and go quiet if she had laughed at his comment? Are you sure it was not a gasp of outrage or a stifled "shut the fuckup" she let out? Twats like him would normally be encouraged by a stifled laugh, not silenced.

Wishfulmakeupping Fri 16-Nov-12 18:38:02

I'd stay away from her as much as poss if it was me

CindySherman Fri 16-Nov-12 18:39:43

I don't know Balloon that puzzled me too...overstepped the mark maybe?actually the whole thing is confused

Thank you for the suggestions and advice. Kew I think that is perfect.

BegoniaBigtoes Fri 16-Nov-12 18:39:45

When I read the op I was totally cringing for you - I know that feeling of being a social thing where no one is clicking with you and it just feels wrong, and also of kicking myself because I was nervous and drank too much. Horrible. I think what went on here was that it was an odd atmosphere with people you didnt click with, everyone drank too much, and some unpleasantt behaviour resulted - the insults and sniggering. IMO you are NOT overreacting, even though she probably didn't set out to upset you. She was rude, unsupportive and made you miserable.

I would just stay calm and keep her at arm's length. It's no good asking you to call, that's pathetic. If she emailed a genuine-sounding apology I'd forgive her, but still remain polite at best and not see her much. Otherwise don't bother.

Really sorry about your worries. I think people who can handle social situations easily or haven't experienced anxiety can sometimes just not see why it can be such a strain.

Whatnowffs Fri 16-Nov-12 18:40:06

Balloonslayer is right - maybe the stifled laugh was embarrased laughter due to the guy's comment making her uncomfortable, remember she would be pissed too. Benefit of the doubt if you like the woman, if not, move on and don't let it upset you.

BegoniaBigtoes Fri 16-Nov-12 18:40:22

Aargh I meant "at a social thing"! smile

NotQuintAtAllOhNo Fri 16-Nov-12 18:40:28

I dont think you are over reacting at all!

You are invited to a dinner party. Your hosts did not make you feel welcome, but were impolite and bad mannered on several accounts:

1. Serving Strong cocktails is not really on. Most hosts take care that alcohol is measured out in either normal or low dosages to avoid drunkenness.
2. They insulted your friends, talking about them behind their backs.
3. Sniggered when another party guest was rude about your appearance.

Twats.

Corygal Fri 16-Nov-12 18:40:36

She sounds awful. Friends are optional - bin her.

Poor you and many sympathies - some people can't behave when they're pissed, and he didn't mean it or anything, but bugger that for social behaviour. Lucky escape now if you ask me.

whistlestopcafe Fri 16-Nov-12 18:42:42

Perhaps it was a nervous laugh. Sometimes I laugh in stressful situations, I had to make a 999 call once and they thought it was a crank call because I was giggling nervously down the phone.

It sounds like an awful evening but it is possible that your judgement was clouded by a mixture of anxiety and alcohol. I would speak to her to hear what she has to say.

slambang Fri 16-Nov-12 18:53:32

Oh god -that sounds a nightmare. No wonder you don't want to talk to her. You are not overreacting at all.

But just to look at it another way...

I am your friend (not really except in internet land, promise). I invite you to a party. Everyone gets horribly drunk on my ridiculously strong cocktails. One of my other friend's dh is an arse. He makes an unforgivably rude comment because he's drunk and an arse and trying to be funny.

What would I do?

Laugh blush. I'm ashamed to say I think I would.

Not because I found it funny. Not because I wanted to hurt you. But because I was incredibly embarrassed and as the hostess would want to cover up for an incredibly uncomfortable social gaff and the only way I would know how to do this would be cover with a nervous giggle.

Not big, not clever or correct. But perhaps your friend knows this and knows she owes an apology. I'd give friend a second chance if you like her enough. But not her arse of a friend.

TheCatInTheHairnet Fri 16-Nov-12 19:04:11

I agree with Slambang.

The other thing is, that if you only have a vague memory of the evening, how can you be 100% sure that any comments and coldness weren't kind of deserved?! If I went to a party and there was one person who was noticeably more drunk than every other person, I'd probably be avoiding them.

NoraGainesborough Fri 16-Nov-12 20:16:24

You need to decide if you want to be friends.

Either way though the adult thing would be to hear it from her point of view, because I imagine it is very different to yours. You were all drunk and things can be taken out of context or completely inaccurate.

As for being told to go outside your comfort zone, I don't really think this is what your Councillor had in mind.

Its also possible that when you do speak to her, you may have forgot some parts of your behavior that were less than nice.

If you can't face the discussion then don't. Your well being comes first. but be prepared to hear something you don't want to hear/ have forgotten.

garlicbaguette Fri 16-Nov-12 20:29:26

Benefit of the doubt if you like the woman, if not, move on

This is really the only sensible approach. I agree the stifled laugh was really more of a "wtf?!" as that explains the man's subsequent embarrassment. If the sum total of your friendship outweighs a crap evening, accept her apology (even if you have to ask for one). Otherwise, play polite and let things drift.

One of my closest friends had a party that I found absolutely appalling - I'm pathetically easy-going but this was light years out of my comfort zone! I muddled through with the best grace I could muster, but we've never been at all close since then. I just hadn't realised she had this side to her character and I didn't like it. I told her how uncomfortable I'd been and she didn't get it - so, to me, wasn't the friend I'd thought. Sad, but it happens. I wouldn't have ditched her before finding out if there was enough empathy left to build on, though.

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