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Following on from my thread about regretting divorce

(20 Posts)
foolonthehill Thu 15-Nov-12 21:09:39

laptop....why? why bother sending him the thread??? You merely remove a source of support for yourself and he won't care what a bunch of anonymous cyber friends say.

if you really think he would read something and it would get him thinking read this book yourself www.amazon.co.uk/Emotionally-Abusive-Relationship-Abused-Abusing/dp/0471454036 and consider sharing it with him.

though frankly i think you would do better reading this book and keeping it as far away from him as possible www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1353013565&sr=1-1 if you still need convincing that his behaviour is unacceptable.

If books will take too much time have a look here www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/emotional_abuse.html and on other pages of this site.

it is not your fault, you cannot fix him, only he can, you deserve better.

laptopcomputer Thu 15-Nov-12 19:55:37

Re the divorce, it was me being hypothetical. I have not left him and then gone back.
I might send him this thread. There are others things as well but my OP is enormous and they are in a similar vein...

Oh God, do it please. You do not deserve this misery.

Abitwobblynow Thu 15-Nov-12 18:37:09

Laptop, he's selfish. He takes you for granted, and doesn't want to hear about any needs you might have - for respect, companionship, fun, joy, for starters.

And he punishes you for bring your needs up.

That is what I read. What do you read?

laptopcomputer Thu 15-Nov-12 17:23:01

"All the positive points are not nice things he does, but worse things he doesn't do." Good point, I hadn't thought of it like that :-(

Anniegetyourgun Thu 15-Nov-12 13:37:53

All the positive points are not nice things he does, but worse things he doesn't do. If you want a few more reasons for not leaving him, I'm guessing he doesn't drown kittens or kick over old ladies in the street either. Hooray for him hmm If he did do any of those things you would be clearer in your mind. Instead you are staying because it's not quite bad enough, and undergoing the death of a thousand small cuts. Not exactly an amazing atmosphere for your DS, either, nor yet a good male role model for his own future relationships.

Lovingfreedom Thu 15-Nov-12 13:25:10

Your post comes across to me as a 'is this bad enough to divorce?' type post. And the answer is...you don't need an excuse or sufficiently good evidence to leave a relationship you don't want to be in any more. You don't have to put up with someone just cos you feel that they are not quite annoying, irritating or badly behaved enough.

What's to regret?

"I regret that I don't get to spend my husband's money any more and I'm struggling financially" = legitimate concern and worth considering/planning how you are going to manage financially and whether the 'hit' is worth taking. The provision through divorce will help smooth this, but there will be an impact. Your DH will need to provide financial support for your DS, of course.

You haven't really written much about the effect on your DS so I'm reading between the lines that you do most of the childcare and you feel that you could cope. Your DH would have access presumably.

I can't see any other potential regrets in your post, beyond "I regret that some people put up with much worse than me and I should have stuck with it and put up with it because that's what you're supposed to do" type sentiment.

If you want out...basically...do it. Despite what people might tell you, or what you even read on here...you're not obliged to even 'give it your best shot' or to 'work at it'. It's your life, if you don't want to spend it with a guy who shouts at you, makes you feel uncomfortable, doesn't want to go places with you, doesn't share intimacy or emotion and you generally don't like much any more...then fair enough.

Link to OP's previous thread. She is considering divorce but is concerned she might regret it.

Yes, did you divorce this nasty, nasty man and then get back with him?

Things are going to escalate as your son gets older - and you know who's 'fault' that's going to be don't you sad

sleeplessinsuburbia Thu 15-Nov-12 13:12:20

Your post is very articulate and succinct. I'd rewrite it as a letter titled: why I am leaving you. If he isn't clear about how revolting his behaviour is and is unwilling to address those major issues after that there's no hope. I'm sorry you live with that atmosphere.

airedailleurs Thu 15-Nov-12 13:05:36

this is very interesting OP, so just to clarify, who is it who is regretting divorce? Was it you being hypothetical?

foolonthehill Thu 15-Nov-12 13:01:43

so in my opinion YANBU

foolonthehill Thu 15-Nov-12 12:53:47

Good reasons for leaving
Regularly tells me to shut up
generally grumpy and short with visitors and me.
If we go and stay with family or they stay here then everyone knows to just ignore H unless he chooses to become part of the conversation, activity.
Mood swings, cheerful one day and bear with a sore head the next. Unfortunately he is also like this with DS,
Some days he is the indulgent loving father, some days DS can do nothing right.
If Ds has friends in the house H is snappy with them.
If we are in any sort of social situation he brings up things I have done wrong.
if he does have a drink then he gets verbally aggressive and has pushed me on 2 occasions,

bad/insufficient reasons for staying
Good with money and fair (can still do this if you leave).
Doesn't restrict me in anything I want to do (basic right not something to be grateful for).
No gambling or other women(also basic normal behaviour).
I read what some people put up with and think well really he's not that bad.(just because others have found worse specimens does not mean yours is good!!)

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 15-Nov-12 12:53:06

YANBU. When it comes to relationships it's always a highly personal decision. What is normal or acceptable for one couple can be horrendously intolerable for another. It's difficult to compare and contrast in that regard. My 'test' is how would you feel about this person if you'd never met them before and they spoke to you and behaved the way you describe. Would you feel relaxed, happy want to be their friend and spend more time with them, would you feel uncomfortable & be making your excuses or would you be picking up the phone & calling the police ?.....

aprilrain Thu 15-Nov-12 12:44:29

He sounds a lot like my DH. And you sound a lot like me!

<helpful>

HotDAMNlifeisgood Thu 15-Nov-12 12:44:09

No wonder you're unhappy and want to leave.

no, I couldnt live like that. And nor should you or your child. sad

laptopcomputer Thu 15-Nov-12 12:38:28

thanks Hectae. /got to go to work now, it took me far too long to write that monstrosity! Will be back later.

HecatePropylaea Thu 15-Nov-12 12:17:10

god no.

That's a horrible way to live.

laptopcomputer Thu 15-Nov-12 12:15:54

This is long sorry, I don't normally post this much personal info on here, but would like some opinions? Very unhappy in my marriage. These are some of the things that are bothering me..

Regularly tells me to shut up - often just because i am trying to talk about something he doesn't want to talk about. Even if I want someone to shut up I don't actually say "shut up"... this bothers me a lot, but if I try and talk about it I am "going on".

Makes it vey uncomfortable having visitors in the house - generally grumpy and short with them and me. The sort of non-specific behaviour that would make me uncomfortable in someone elses house, but also makes it very hard for me to say to him "you said xyz to abc and that is rude". I am not sure if he is non-specific on purpose because it is then hard for me to say specifically what has upset me or others). He has upset various members of my family although they are also easygoing so put up with him. If we go and stay with family or they stay here (we live a long way away) then everyone knows to just ignore H unless he chooses to become part of the conversation, activity.

A bit Jekyll and Hyde, mood swings, cheerful one day and bear with a sore head the next. Unfortunately he is also like this with DS, who I can see is starting to push boundaries with him and wind him up when he is in a bad mood. I will challenge him about unfair telling off of DS, in front of DS, which is know is possibly not the best way but I can't let DS feel like my mother made me feel :-(
Some days he is the indulgent loving father, same days DS can do nothing right. DS makes it quite clear that he would rather be with me. H knows this. If Ds has friends in the house H is snappy wth them so I do it when he is not around and have told him so. Although he feels I am making a fuss.

If we are in any sort of social situation he brings up things I have done wrong. Particulalry if it is with people he works with. I can see it makes people uncomfortable, he obviously can't. Aside from the fact it is just unkind and why would you do that to someone you love?

Plus points - good with money, we have everything we need and although I am part time and earn only a fraction of what he does, all money goes into one pot and is v equally shared. Doesn't restrict me in anything I want to do, socially or otherwise. Athough I do have to do whatever it is on my own or with DS as H won't come if it is not something that specifically interests him.

No gambling or other women., rarely drinks. Although this brings me to "no friends" either. There are a couple of people he talks to a bit who he goes fishing with. He never goes anywhere socially except for the odd work do organised by people who work for him. Unfortunately it also brings me to another new development which is that if he does have a drink then he gets verbally aggressive and has pushed me on 2 occaisions, because apparently I am "going on" i.e. saying something he doesn't want to hear.

Really if we behave like two people sharing a house but no emotions then we get on. I have to be completely self-sufficient in terms of anything I may need from the human race except for money. I am not a wildly social person and like my own company, I have some nice friends I see but am not wanting to be out on the rqzz every saturday ;-) I have hobbies that take up my time as well as work etc. I am not what you would call high-maintenance emotionally or materially. Neither of us are big senders, we are both naturally quite frugal so there is no tension about money. He would like sex far more than I do, but completely fails to understand that I don't want to have sex with someone who told me to shut up and stop boring on earlier on the same day.

I read what some people put up with and think well really he's not that bad. but I am just sad most of the time, there is no affection or companionship. We can't socialise with other people. My friends constantly tell me I have the patience of a saint. I'm not being unreasonable by wanting to leave him am !?

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