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Husband having an affair - practical advice needed

(61 Posts)
Jellybellydancer Tue 13-Nov-12 22:51:13

I've discovered tonight that my husband is having an affair with a women at my sons school.

He is denying it but I have 100% proof. I took my son away from the house and went back to discuss it with him. He'd gone and wouldn't answer the phone. I assume he is with her. She is also married.

Where do I go from here? I do not want to try again with him, this is the lowest of the low in my opinion.

I can't face her day in day out so I feel like I need to change my sons school. But why should I ? Is there anything I can do?

I'm also worried that my H will take my son when I'm at work and not answer the phone again. can I do anything to stop this ? I want to take him in tomorrow as he was so upset after hearing us fighting.

There has been a long line of shitty behaviour and it is definitely the final piece in the puzzle. I'm feeling very calm but not sure if it'll last when I next see or speak to him.

Thanks for any help - I usually lurk on these boards.

olgaga Wed 14-Nov-12 19:55:55

And by the way, you need to make it clear to the school that the OW does not have parental responsibility and you have not agreed to her doing any pick-ups.

QueenieLovesEels Wed 14-Nov-12 20:02:37

I think you would do very well to report the assault to the police. If he looses his job as a consequence, tough. Not your problem.

By doing this you can then press for an order to have him removed from the house.

He sounds unstable.

Tell the other partner too and get that over with. She may well then have to move her children as a consequence of her behaviour or she may have to move away. The school issue will then be resolved......

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 14-Nov-12 20:06:19

and yes you should tell the OW's DH - just provide him with the facts and leave it to him to decide what to do next.

Jellybellydancer Wed 14-Nov-12 21:30:13

Well he has admitted it now. He had suggested having a friend take my ds to reception and Id said no. Apparently it went as far as sexual touching but not full sex. Not sure whether I believe that yet. He says its over between them too.

Apparently they'd discuss having sex but it just hadn't happened. He was there for 3 hours on Monday and he definitely prepped himself for sex but I don't think I'm going to get anymore information out of him now.

I've told him I won't tell her H as long as she is aware that I now know and she makes arrangements for her child to be taken in to school. Then i can return to dropping my ds in the playground. If she doesn't agree I will tell her H.

I don't think he'll be violent towards me again. He is broken. Nothing less than he deserves. I feel very calm now. Maybe that's because I know or maybe tomorrow will be another struggle.

I'm sure if I see her ill be full of rage.

olgaga Wed 14-Nov-12 21:37:46

Oh dear this is not going to go well.

Not sure how she is going to "make arrangements for her child to be taken into school" on any kind of long term basis.

Do you actually believe your H?

Please don't rage if you see her. It will only put you in the wrong.

The person you should be raging about is your H.

Jellybellydancer Wed 14-Nov-12 21:46:44

A mutual friend offered to take my ds each morning. I said no and she could take her dd. based on the fact that I'm not the one in the wrong and I'm not prepared to act like I am.

Do I believe he hasn't gone further? Not sure, the betrayal is bigger than sex though when it came to her, and he knew that.

I will keep my dignity if I do see her, she knows to keep away from me anyway.

We'll see what tomorrow brings anyway.

Do you believe that story, op?

My ex went on Adult Friend Finder just to look because I was neglecting him.

Then I found a letter to someone one there. The next story was that it was just a letter, he wasn't going to go through with it.

Then I found out it was all bull and he was of course, up to all sorts.

Jellybellydancer Wed 14-Nov-12 22:27:49

Objectively I cannot see why you would arrange to have sex and not go through with it. The story took ages to come out too, first just a cuddle, then a kiss, then just talking about having sex, then sexual touching. So in all likelihood there is more, I just don't have the energy to talk to him anymore tonight.

My calm rational mum just called him and I heard quite a bit of shouting from her end. I think the penny is finally dropping with how awful this is going to be for him.

Jellybellydancer Wed 14-Nov-12 22:29:31

What is wrong with these men binfull? I just cannot see how those types of actions don't feel really sleazy.

Because they will rationalise their behaviour to themselves.

Don't forget, he's had a lot longer to do this than you.

It will be all your fault (in his eyes) - if you had been more attentive, mosre sexual, more this, more that. He wouldn't have to seek solace with someone else of course.

I snorted a bit about the talking about having sex. Really? They sat and had a chat and drew some diagrams did they. hmm

So he was fingering her while her innocent child slept upstairs, and her husband worked away from his son to keep a roof over their heads, and you took care of his DS alone in the house. Well that sounds so much better, doesn't it?

Don't listen to the bullshit, cut him out, raise your dignity levels and seek solace in your lovely mum.

Get some sleep and food in you. You don't want your DS to see you becoming ill.X

jelly how are you? You haven't updated for a while. Are you ok?

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