Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.
F*cking XH does it again...just need to get it off my chest(58 Posts)
Can?t sleep and need to get this off my chest. I started it under another thread but didn?t want to hijack so here?s the story again.
Split from XH at new year after I discovered his affair. Pattern since then has been we try to be civilised for a while then I say something he misinterprets or that just doesn't suit him and he turns into a bully. He attacks me or just flat out ignores me for days or even weeks. Followed by profuse apologies. Over and over again.
Last straw was over a month ago. DD has a big event coming up in March that I really would have liked to plan together. In fact he sent the first message to me saying 'we really must work together on this.' But once he realised I was on board he changed his tune - rebuffed all my requests to discuss it, agreed to a meeting then cancelled it at the last minute. Said he was going to handle it all and there was nothing to discuss. I finally decided, for my own sanity, and for DD's sake, not to fight with him and just let him do it. I even handed over all the research & ideas I already had. It just wasn't worth the fight.
Today, over a month after we last talked about it, he sent me an email saying please can we discuss it!!!! (He's either realised it's too much hard work or doesn't want to look bad by excluding me). I've been really good at not engaging in any battles with him for a while now but feel this is maybe too big to ignore. So I sent him this:
?No, I really don't think we can. Based on your past behaviour I do not trust you to behave rationally and respectfully towards me for any length of time. But feel free to use the information I gave you if you want it. Or don't. I'm sure you and [xxxx] will figure it out. Good luck.?
And this is his reply:
?It is my hope that you might feel, as I do, that it is tough but possible for us to put aside the way we have both behaved at times and the things we have both said in anger and haste. If we are exactly never going to be friends again, we can at least try to look to the future rather than the past and behave in a civil and respectful way towards each other for the benefit of <DCs>. This is what they want and need from us and I am fully committed to doing exactly that. DD and I don?t want to do it without you?but I can?t force you..?
Arghh!!!! He is so fucking infurating. This is what he does every bloody time. He acts the complete TWAT then when I say I?ve had enough, he goes all?.surely we can work together but if YOU don?t want to?..
Please, please, please can someone tell me how the hell you deal with someone like that? I have thought of several responses ? ?Keep telling yourself that long enough you might even believe it? or ?The boy who cried wolf rings a bell? or just ?Fuck off and go to hell you lying son of a bitch?!
ooh sorry, don't know what all the
Just do not engage. Hard as it is, it's the only way to avoid getting sucked into the mind fuck your ex seems to like. Whatever the event is, if its important to your DD, then act in her interest, not his. If having to get involved means interacting with the ex, keep it business like and don't get dragged into any chat/digs/PA stuff. He's trying to get a reaction and succeeding as you haven't yet sussed out how to just not rise to his bait. When you figure that out, you'll be able to deal with things a lot easier. Deep breathes. Ignore the twat. Get on with doing what you need to for your DCs.
Hi Yoga, I don't have any advice but just wanted to post to say that this sort of hot-cold-yes-no-maybe-push-pull would drive me nuts. Headwrecking mind-games.
Was he always like this to some extent or did a lot of this just start after the split? If he was always like this he is unlikely to change anytime soon, but someone might have some tips about how to deal with him in a way which might limit his opportunities so be a total dickhead though his utter self-delusion might be harder to crack.
Anyway sorry I am not very helpful but I saw your message and remember some of the other ones and it is so late you might not get any decent replies until tomorrow.
x posted with bananna (just in case it looked like I was suggesting their reply was not helpful!)
I would probably say 'ok, but the very second you disrespect, undermine, bully or are nasty to me again, I'm out, and I will remind you of this conversation, and you will fully admit I was right to be wary... capiche?'
If it's a big deal for DD aren't you worried he will fuck it up?
Why not email him back saying 'If you can't organise it yourself, I will. It's one or the other and if you decide to do it, you had better not let her down'.
Or, actually given that I don't fully know the history, it might be better to just not engage at all - you know you are right so don't let his manipulation convince you otherwise.
But my above message would be known as giving him enough rope to hang himself with - stick to your word and soon as he does it again, you can remind him of that excahnge, say look I warned you, you've done it again, and that's it I'm done with this now.
Lurking in my memory is a vague recollection that you had cut everything off already apart from pick up and drop off times for kids, so if that's the case then the not engaging thing would probably be better.
Hi lubey & all you other lovely people who took the time to reply at this time of night.
Chipping - no, actually not worried he will fuck it up, he won't want to look bad. Anyway, he'll get his mummy to help. Of course I would do it better. But he'll arrange something suitable. And if I insist on doing it then I'll end up having to pay for it.
Lubey - simply can not work with him anymore. Have tried too many times and it always comes to this in the end.
Ah, x-posts. I know not engaging is better but he knows exactly how to wind me up. It's the suggestion the I am the one not wanting to do what's best for the kids while he is "fully committed". it makes me so fucking angry!
Yes, sorry, forgot to agree that he is in the wrong, he is a fucking idiot and of course he's being an utter prick and knows it. I kind of felt it all went without saying!
If you are happy with him doing it then I'd just say 'Keep telling yourself that often enough and you might believe it, I did at one time, but time and again you let me & our DD/DC down. It's a shame you weren't committed to it previously'.
Can i send him this link?
And that is exactly why he says those things. You know he's wrong, you know he knows he's wrong, so just ignore those comments. I used to be the same with my ex, and the day I just thought 'fuck it' and didn't give a damn what he said or thought was just a fantastic weight off me. It's hard, but so worth just not getting sucked into the tit for tat stuff. My blood pressure resumed a normal level
banana - but HOW do you do it? Especially when he will find subtle ways to convince the DCs that I am the one not cooperating.
That's the tricky part. I can't really say exactly what changed for me but I'd reached such a level of misery and stress that I just couldn't function properly. He was taking up energy I didn't have and everything else suffered as a result. Something just clicked, when I decided to no longer focus on all the little and big things he did/didn't do, said/didn't say, and just got on with putting me and DD 1st. Now it's just white noise to me when he starts any BS. Genuinely not giving a shiny shit about your ex's opinion, views, actions or inaction is where you'll find peace. You might still be too emotionally tied up in your split to get there, but just try and imagine not answering texts, emails, calls unless its something you have to comment on/agree to, and use the time you'd spend agonising over how to respond, what to say, hoping to hit the spot in nailing his fuckwittery, and do something for you instead.
And you just correct any misinformation ex gives kids so they understand. Ex says you don't want to do x for y reason, you say no, I can't do x because etc. in an age appropriate way. Your kids know and can see for themselves what and how much you do for them. Just have confidence in your ability to parent and ignore the rumblings of the eejit.
he's so clever and twisted though -every time I think I'm getting to that point, to that genuinely not giving one tiny little shit about what he says or does, he finds some new & wonderful way - usually involving the DCs. He won't say anything obviously bad about me to them, but just a subtle little slip. Enough for them to come home a bit pissed off at me, only I won't quit know why. they might not even quite know why.
What if I just send him the link to the boy who cried wolf, wtihout saying anything else? Can I do that? Please?
Breathe. What a twat.
How about: ' Had you shown up to our original meeting or given off a desire for teamwork earlier in the process I might have more respect for what you're saying now. Or even if you'd just outright asked for my help. Instead, you are trying to cover your shortsightedness with false sanctimony.
I hope all the information I shared with you on X occasion has been useful. Please don't send me any more pompous emails when you're out of your depth.'
Yoga you know him best. If you think he'll get the link, send it. The only thing I'd say is, it won't silence him, he'll just come back with something disagreeing/having a dig/winding you up, and it'll just go on and on. All that energy you'll put into what to say, how to respond, waiting for his reaction, then on it goes. It is wasted energy. It's not nearly as satisfying just ignoring the twat, than it is getting just he right note on showing him up for the twat he is, but it's a lot better on you in the long run. If you aren't quite at the stage bring able to let it go over your head then maybe you need to make your point. Just be careful not to spend too much energy and wit on the muppet.
Oh he will get the link. He loves a good story - it's almost a bit of an inside joke reminding him just how well i know him. Will send it in the morning though (cause I'll be damned if he knows i lost sleep over this). No comment, just the link. It will make the point. And then I WILL. NOT. RESPOND.
I like the link, and keep it in reserve, but my approach would be simply to state the facts as you've done in the OP:
"I agreed several months ago to work together with you on this for the sake of DD, you made no effort to work with me on it, cancelled meetings to discuss it, and then said you would do it yourself as there was nothing to discuss.
I don't see how we can collaborate on things when you consistently refuse to do it from your end. I would like to be able to act in a civil manner with you for the sake of DC, as you have said, but you have failed to keep up your side on this and other occasions. You have shown you are not fully committed at all and I am not prepared to keep on trying to work with you and having my attempts rebuffed.
Good luck with the organisation, if you can't handle it I'll do it and you keep your nose out. "
Sending the link will just cause him to accuse you of not taking it seriously, baiting him or being childish - he's obviously a twat, but that's giving him fuel to be more twattish which doesn't help anyone
Hi Yoga. He sounds like a bully. My exH can be very similar. We get on ok for weeks and then he will get on his high horse about something and start lecturing and telling me what a crap parent I am compared to him. In fact we recently had an exchange of emails just like yours. What I try to do is: when writing an email or text to him, I try to imagine it being read by a family court judge and think what impression it would convey of me. Do I sound reasonable? Or do I sound emotional and unhelpful? I try to strip out all of the emotional language (so in your email that would be the "Based on your past behaviour..." bit) and keep it as factual as possible. It doesn't always work but mostly it helps. Let him make a prat of himself while you look calm and rational. He will inevitably want to portray you as the hysterical unreasonable woman, so don't play into his hands.
Just to say that I identify with every word you say. Not much help, I know.
I, too, have failed to set up any kind of constructive contact with FWEX.
My FWEX 'would do anything at all for the DCs'
Except, obviously, not reducing their mother either to speechless, helplessness.
Could you talk to your DD, explain the situation and ask her what she would like you to do?
Perhaps the tasks can be divided, so you both contribute separately without you having to engage with the tosser?
Hey yoga .. What bant said ^^
I have got to the stage that what STBXH doesn't bother me at all so I can deal with him in quite an amicable way for the sake of DD ..
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.