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Long post about sexless marriage

(65 Posts)
middleager Sat 10-Nov-12 21:27:40

Hi - I have had to change my username for this post as I have finally plucked up the courage to post. Apologies, it's long.

I've been with my husband for 8.5 years, married for 4.5 and was friends with him a few years before we got together. We have twin girls aged six and a half.

When we got together, I realised he was impotent. I was his world (we had been friends and he had wanted to go out with me) and he went to great lengths to seek treatment - Relate, hypnotherapy and viagra. His previous g/f had finished because she wondered why he never wanted sex.

Whatever we tried, sex was uncomfortable for him (and for me - nobobdy wants somebody who isn't keen on having sex - feeling like you are forcing them) even after treatments. I came to the conclusion he was A-sexual and had never had a sexual relationship really. Whereas, I was quite experienced and liked sex. I would initiate sex and he would take viagra, with limited success. In the end, by pure 'accident' we conceived on a one off event.

After the children were born I was busy, but then I practically had to beg him for sex on the night after our wedding. that was 4.5 years ago. No sex since, no cuddling, touching intimacy. when I try to cuddle he just stays cold. no kissing hand holding.

Oh, did I mention we don't get on either? Because he thinks it is normal not to have sex, won't talk or doesn't think it odd - our situation. I have become bitter, feeling rejected. He actively encourages me to go out and said he would turn a blind eye if I met somebody. He has no interest in me, yet my needs are growing stronger every day.

He is a very good father and I hate the idea of asking him to leave, but it causes so much tension. we don't seem to get on anyway and during a fallout today, he said: "No wonder I don't fancy you."

I feel very lonely and unloved and I am dying for sex and intimacy if I am honest. I just don't know where to go from here. I have stuck it out for a few years now for the kids, but as they are only 6, not sure if I can hold it together until they are 18 without feeling sad that a large part of my life has passed without cuddles and kisses - not just that - a closeness that we do not have. I know what it is to have a close physical and emotional relationship and this isn't it. He is perfectly happy to just keep plodding on to, but it is so warped, I feel. Any advice? Thanks

fizzfiend Fri 23-Nov-12 02:13:16

Cogito hit the nail on the head. My DH refused to address the matter of no sex except when I begged for it...romantic huh? It wasn't so much the infrequency of sex, rather that he refused to listen to me, hear that I wasn't happy, give a damn about my feelings.

On my own now...it is better than being with someone who doesn't want you...every day. Not for everyone though so listen to all advice. So sorry you are going through this...it is hell.

nightcat Tue 20-Nov-12 21:44:00

i so sympathise, same here sad

Darkesteyes Tue 20-Nov-12 21:21:38

Oh Middle ager i had EXACTLY the same feelings when i used a vibe too. It cant hold you afterwards either.

middleager Tue 20-Nov-12 21:09:38

Darkesteyes - I realised you didn't mean me, as you know exactly how I feel. It's hard to explain, but he just doesn't enjoy sex. I don't know which happened first, the not liking or the not being able, and I have spent years trying to discect this, when quite frankly, he does not care. So I gave up too. I forgot what it was to have any sexual encounters.

I dusted off my pink rabbit but that made me feel worse. I cried afterwards everytime at what my desperation had been reduced to. when I was single and used the object, it was fun and for joy. These days it just feels sad and reminds me what I am missing. Minus the kisses and cuddles that I used to associate with the bedroom, too.

I've always tried to (excuse the pun) rise above my ego in this and understand that it isn't me. But my self esteem is shot. I can change this, I know, I just need to lift myself out of the fog of the depression of it all.

Darkesteyes Tue 20-Nov-12 21:01:22

Sorry middleager My latest posts were aimed at ccarpenton because what she wrote was too simplistic as well as stereotypical.
Middleager i know how you feel. i tried talking to my family years ago and the attitude was "well you dont need sex do you" Women dont like it anyway" Which is why these sexist stereotypes are so harmful.
Middle ager please dont take his erection problems personally. Believe me it is NOT you. thanks

middleager Tue 20-Nov-12 20:35:54

Darkesteyes,

Because this is a taboo subject, I have told only closest friends and cannot post here under my normal user name.
I feel if people knew about the problem, that when we split, they would be more empathetic.
My Dad always reminds me how reliable my DH is, and I just want to tell him the truth, but I can't. Plus I don't think - unless you have been there - it's not an easy one to understand.
I don't know what the problem is. In some ways I feel more hurt that he can get an erection on his own, but it won't sustain when he is inside. I try not to take it 'personally' as I know he has been like that with everybody. But it is so difficult to not take it personally.

Darkesteyes Tue 20-Nov-12 20:19:44

Society seems to have no trouble believing that women don’t want sex, but they struggle to come to terms with the idea that a man might not want it. This lack of understanding makes women scared to speak out. What woman is going to stick her head above the parapet and say “I live in a sexless marriage” and talk about it frankly and honestly in public. Actually, I can answer that “NONE”. And so women like me who live in sexless marriages continue to suffer in silence.

We feel that we cannot discuss the issue with anyone. We are made to feel that it is our fault. Magazine articles and books on the subject advise women to buy some sexy undies and make more effort with their appearance etc. Though it’s the man who doesn’t want sex, it is the women who are told to make more effort with their looks. If the situation is reversed and it is the woman who doesn’t want to make love, pressure is put on her (marital and societal) to go to the GP to see what is wrong

Darkesteyes Tue 20-Nov-12 20:17:15

Working ovaries produce the hormones needed for a woman too. Yet society doesnt seem to have any trouble believing that a woman can be asexual #everydaysexism.

middleager Tue 20-Nov-12 19:59:27

Hi

He can get a stiffy during a hand job. In order to enter he needs a hand job first.

The trouble is, once inside, he immediately goes soft. Not just me, previous gfs by all accounts. So technically, I guess he's not impotent. He doesn't really go on the computer much. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure when he is alone in the shower.... but when it comes to sex, it's just a no go.

I'm having a difficult time today. He went to his parents on Sunday and I know he told them about the impending break up, but we haven't really talked about it.

This limbo is horrible. We are just in separate rooms alot and he seems very happy just playing video games. I guess it will be better when it is finalised. It's just all weird, that's all. Not sure if anyone has any words of wisdom about this limbo. when you have decided to make the break but are still co-habiting. we are being friendly and talking about kids stuff etc. It's just surreal.

ccarpenton Tue 20-Nov-12 03:15:38

Sorry, but isn't it medically impossible for a man to be asexual as long as there isn't a medical condition? Working testicles produce the hormones needed, I thought. And if he isn't getting erections during the night, then that also shows something is very, very wrong.

You've never mentioned any medical condition though? Just that he's been prescribed viagra? "Impotent" doesn't really tell us much. Medically impotent? Mentally impotent? Or normal sex impotent?

If there is no medical condition, then he's getting his stimulus elsewhere, surely? Is he very private over his computer usage by any chance?

middleager Sun 18-Nov-12 21:38:49

Hello again and apologies for the long break. I've had a few off days but am always overwhelmed by the mass of support on here, so thanks again.
Just to clarify, if it were just about sex (or lack of it) I would stay if there was affection, intimacy or kisses and cuddles but unfortunately there is nothing to cling on to. Darkesteyes, I feel your sadness too. I sometimes recall days when I had some closeness too.
Last Monday I told him that I couldn't live this way and he said he would go. It was a very brief conversation and he didn't really want to talk. We haven't really talked about it since but I feel relieved and strangely positive (although very sad, too).
He visited his parents today. Not sure what was said as I don't want to feel like I am simply pushing him out ASAP.
The comments on MN and my own soul searching have turned on some lightbulbs in my mind and I know I can'tcarry on like this, sadly.
So although the situation is very sad, given that this is nobody's 'fault' I feel at some peace. It will be a long road and I am not sure what happens next and how we move from the current situation to a new one, but now that I have woken up to the reality I feel ready to move on. So thanks again to everybody for their words.
I will keep you posted x

Darkesteyes Fri 16-Nov-12 23:36:30

hi nightcat thanks

nightcat Fri 16-Nov-12 17:53:29

hello Darkest smile sad if only the topic was a bit better..

Damash12 Fri 16-Nov-12 04:35:05

Goodness me, what an awful situation for you. Firstly, I can somewhat relate to it as when I met my husband he had some issues with erection problems even when he wanted to have sex so slightly different but I understand how frustrating and undermining it can be. If you where writing that he cared for you immensely and wanted to get better or showed affection in every other way I would be saying I hope you work it out. However, it sounds like he has just given up and is being unfair to you. What relationship can survive without support, affection, intimacy? This doesn't even have to be sexual but enough to make you feel loved, wanted and cherished. I'm not getting along with my husband at the moment and often say" I get all my affection and love from our 4 year old". his cuddles and " i love you's" are magical and make me feel on top of the world but that kind of feeling should come from my husband too. I am amazed you have lasted with this situation for so long and his not fancying you comment would tip me over the edge. I totally understand the family unit thing and not wanting to break up the home but you are still young (just turned 41 myself). You could still have a life and like you said even if noone came along for a few years you would still feel happier. Imagine in 20 years time 1 of your daughters came to you and said "mum, what do I do? My husband ......." And she told you your story? Would you tell her to stay in a sexless, loveless marriage?" Or would you say "get out, live the one life you are gonna get, and do what will make you happy"
You never know taking action may make your husband sit up and take notice but from what you have said I think you would be happier going it alone with your girls. Good luck, I hope everything works out for you.

Darkesteyes Fri 16-Nov-12 01:45:06

been reminiscing to myself a bit tonight thinking of what i had with my ex OM.
Lots of affection and cuddles and then lovemaking on a dark winter afternoon/evening. And then holding each other afterwards. I was seeing him for 4 and a half years. It ended nearly 5 years ago.
Most of the time im ok but then it gets to this time of year and i sometimes get a bit weepy and depressed.
My feelings about the situation are very up and down and sort of come over me intermittently. Ive probably not explained that very well.

nightcat Tue 13-Nov-12 20:08:58

autumnfrost, tried to pm you as we are in the same boat sad have you changed your nn? Can't send it for some reason.

gloomywinters2 Tue 13-Nov-12 12:46:33

just looking back at the thread and realised if he,s not hugging kissing or a touch that,s not too much to ask for that,s pretty cold then no op you should leave.

gloomywinters2 Tue 13-Nov-12 12:39:09

i feel for both of you in this situation i feel for you because the lack of intimancy feeling like your not loved or sexy enougth can ruin your selfestem, i feel for him because it,s a situation he can,t help he has gone great lengths to get it sorted but should he put his health at risk taking viagra? maybe he feels if he show,s affection it will lead to sex and he can,t perform. i don,t believe he should have shifted the blame on you saying no wonder i don,t fancy you. on the other hand you new he was impotent so you must have known what was coming the question is can you live without sex maybe you should stay friends and move on. are you moving on just because you want sex or has he got more to offer there,s more than just sex all the time too.

riverboat Mon 12-Nov-12 21:00:27

I don't think it's a question of whose the victim, who should be blamed. Your husband has always been this way, and has been clear about that. You yourself thought first that you could change him, then when that failed, that you could live with it anyway. You have found out you can't live like that - and I absolutely don't think it's fair to level "what did you expect?" comments, we often don't know what we can and can't live with until we try it.

But it does seem that there is no reason to stay in this marriage beyond fear of the initial push you're going to have to make, and the hurt that will cause your children and your husband. Of course it will hurt in the short term, but there is no reason that you won't all in time get over this hurt and find happier lives. The alternative is you yourself smothering your desires and your wish to be happy and fulfilled shouldering all this hurt yourself in the long term, and it will inevitably spill over to everyone else anyway. I think you know what you have to do, and I honestly wish you good luck.

SolidGoldYESBROKEMYSPACEBAR Mon 12-Nov-12 20:46:55

Don't be misled into thinking that you're the bad person and he's the innocent victim. He has not been fair to you and it is selfish to want to maintain a marriage because you are content while your partner is miserable.

Geordieminx Mon 12-Nov-12 18:11:49

Middleager please feel free to PM me if you feel it would help.

middleager Mon 12-Nov-12 17:18:44

Gosh autumnfrost. I'm sorry that you have had this for so long. Would you have gone if it had not been for ds2's sn?

middleager Mon 12-Nov-12 17:16:30

Don't get me wrong. My husband is a decent, hardworking man who would always stand by his family. Me asking him to leave - and how awful it would be for him - is one of the reasons I am finding this hard. It will hurt him, to begin with. He loves the house. I have offered to go before, but I think he realises that our house is close to the school etc. and that we don't have anywhere to go (he could move back to his parents for a while. Plus, he rents out the house he owned before we met and he could move back there). I'm not going into this lightly and I don't want to pretend I am the victim. Everybody will hurt at the start and it feels so sad to break it all up. Going to see if we can talk later about practicalities. It's easy for me to say this, but I think he (and I) will both be happier in the long run if we go our separate ways - after the initial turmoil. I'm not sure I could be any more unhappy and that thought of a future - without all this upset - is what drives me. What most of you understand is that it isn't just the sex. It's the cold fish, no emotion, no tenderness that is the toughest part. The constant rejection.

autumnfrost Mon 12-Nov-12 16:51:25

I forgot to add I still love him

autumnfrost Mon 12-Nov-12 16:48:48

I am in the same situation although dh is not impotent I think he is A sexual.Hehas never said anything cruel to me about the way I look etc. and we do get on mostly but I know he does not love me and won`t even sit beside me in case he touches me well that is what it feels like to me..We agreed to stay together becase ds2 19 has sn and we both know because of his problems 1 of us could not look after him and we both love him SO MUCH WE ALSO HAVE ANOTHER NT SON 21 tHIS HAS BEEN GOING ON FOR ABOUT 16 YEARS AND i FEEL YOUR PAIN.sorry caps

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