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17 years of another woman

(85 Posts)
Cantseewood4trees Sat 10-Nov-12 13:10:09

This is going to be long but please, please stay with me. I need to give the full history or opinions might be skewed. I want to add that I dont stay in the UK or US so dont have any form of benefits, healthcare, etc. i have carried this alone for 17 years and this is the first time I have mentioned anything to anyone. Please, if you have 10 minues to read. Please help me.

I was 16 when I fell pregnant and married my boyfriend of 2 years on my 17th birthday. I had my 1st DS 6 months later. To my horror, I fell pregnant again when DS was 6 months old. We were poor, I had no support and was living in a one bedroom flat (there is no public transport here). Ds2 was born. 18 months later, on boxing day, my then husbands Mum friend called me to tell me that her and my DH were having an affair and were in love and he wanted to leave me. Divorce went through same month as my 21st. It was a dreadful time and all I did was try keep my head above water. Literally work, home, work, home.

A year later I met my present husband. I had known him through a school friends brother when we were at school. He was (i thought, according to my limited knowledge at the time) stable, level headed and a nice guy. We moved in together and bought a house within 6 months. We got married 18 months later. He had a couple friend (the friends brother and his wife) who we had seen for lunch once from the time I met him till we got married. 1 week after we were married they came round. I was not keen on them. he seemed very pushy and quite flirtatious. She was also very flirty. 1 week later, DH asks me if I would be keen on trying swinging. I was terrified. Now here is where it gets odd. It was completely against who I am but for fear of loss, wanting to fit in, etc, I said I was worried but would try it. That night we go round to this couples house, he goes into the office with the husband, comes out and everything is a go. A quick few tequilas the husband and me are on the floor and my DH and hus wife are in the room. I just couldnt do anything and neither could her husband. It just didnt work and nothing happened. I did get to sit and listen to my DH and his wife shagging loudly for a few hours (it was a tiny flat). Words cannot describe how I felt. All I recall was the carpenters playing in the cd in the car on the way home. Next thing I remember, I was sitting on the shower floor with the water on very hot and scrubbing myself while sobbing. DH was shouting at me that I was a big girl and went into this with my eyes open. The next morning, I had the other couple on the phone telling how how immature I was being, how childish I was behaving and how all 3 of them were fine and dealt with it like mature adults. They are all older than me by 4 and 5 years and none had kids. I didnt want to be seen as the child. I didnt want to bee the odd one out. They decided the only reason I was reacting like this was because I had not had sex with the husband and that was the solution. They were coming round that night and just him and I were going to try. I dont know why I didnt stop it. No faith that I could be right and them wrong perhaps? I am giving the history because I hope someone else can see things I cant. They came round that night. Him and I spent an hour in bed and nothing happened. It just didnt work. I was awkward, sad, scared and wondering what my DH was doing with his wife in the lounge. We gave it up. They all decided the best thing was if the next time, we just fondled and had sex with our partners in the lounge together and take it from there. We try this and I hate it. I feel dirty. I make it clear to DH again that I dont like it (as if my reaction the first night wasnt clear enough nor me telling him I just cant do this). It doesnt stop. By this time we are seeing this couple ever week and they are now our best friends. I dont know why I didnt put my foot down. I was young, weak, scared, trying to fit in. I dont know. The final straw was they were there, everyone was drinking, I knew what was going to happen so I pretended to be very drunk and went to bed. The next thing the 3 of them get into our bed and start touching and carrying on. I say nooo, and pretend Im so drunk, I am sleeping. They dont stop. I was not entered as I pretended to be asleep but was used (or I feel I was). When I raised it with DH he told me I humiliated him because he had to come on the sheets.

Please understand that if you met my DH you would think he is the softest natured man. He is not. This is only aspect of our life drama.

The last time anything happened, DH's brother was included. I literally sat on a couch while DH's brother and her husband shagged the wife on my lounge floor. DH didnt have sex with her but sat and watched. She fell pregant and had to have an abortion as they didnt know who the father was. everything stopped and I was very, very grateful. A few months later DH tells me that he had fingeried her in my kitchen during one of their "none sexual" visits.

She was by this stage supposed to be my "best friend". By this stage she was my only friend. A few years later, I think its all in the past and I find logs of a message from my DH to her of a sexual nature and her response to him. Clearly there is still feelings. They also sat at my table and played footsy under the table while I was watching sad I did not want them in my life, I just could not live with the constant worry. Seeing how they were with eachother, etc. I felt betrayed by everyone and just wanted to get away from the "sickness".

With my morals and values all confused and feeling so "different" and unacceptable, I did something stupid. I Had a 3 month affair with a man from work. It was stupid and selfish and I couldnt live with myself and so told DH. He flipped (understandably) I am not going to even try and excuse what I did and feel absolutely awful about it. I lost the moral high ground and had to give up work, etc. this continues to this day.

In the meantime, he has ensured that she has stayed in our lives for the next 15 years. She was the part time bookkeeper in our company, still comes round to visit. DH knows how I feel and we have fought about her constantly. DH acknowledges that he has feelings for her but only apparently because he has known her since before even me. It has been soul destroying for me. I am not as thin, qualified, well dressed, etc as she is. I know this. I have always felt like second prize. Last year we did a share swop with another company and to my absolute relief, we got new bookkeepers in. When I tell you DH and I fought monthly about her for 17 years, I am not exagerating. It changed who I am. Because of my affair 13 years ago, he feels I am worse than him because he has not done anything behind my back but I did to him (maybe rightfully) The fingering and dirty messages dont count.. The last time he slept with her was 4 years ago when she told me that my DH was her soul mate.

Now my problem is, he is now getting quite friendly with her DH again which means after only a few short months of not having that sick feeling constantly, she will be back in my life again. Its like I am just not enough. He says he has the right to be friends with whoever he wants and Im just being a bitch. Its my worst nightmare to be house friends with them the way we were.

We are sitting today where he has told me that because I cant forgive and cant let go, he is surprised I am not riddled with cancer. Its been 17 years of feeling like I was less, not a part of the friendship group, less in general, second best. He has said he cant deal with my controlling behaviour and my permanent anger and that we should get divorced. He says I am insane and have a mental disorder because I cant just let it go. why cant he understand my pain and frustration? is it because Im being silly like he says? why cant I let it go.

Please tell me if I am being stupid or a hypocrite. Should I just give up and head for divorce.

Cantseewood4trees Sat 10-Nov-12 13:11:42

I have had to type in drips and drabs on ipad in case he catches me. Sorry for spelling errors

What are the reasons for staying within the marriage? I honestly could not live like this.

SilverSixpence Sat 10-Nov-12 13:20:03

I read the whole story and feel so sad for you sad none of this is your fault, your husband is a manipulative bastard who had treated you with complete disrespect. Do you want to continue in this sham of a marriage? I take it you don't have children together?

dippyDoohdah Sat 10-Nov-12 13:20:03

op, this is awful.totally totally abusive.he has always ignored your feelings and wishes and sounds like he always will. cancer comment is awful. an open marriage its where both parties are happy and fully consenting.this is not the case.your confidence and self esteem sounds totally eroded.please get away from this man, you deserve so much better.

Oh sad
Please leave. I can't give any other advice in afraid, hopefully someone else will be along very soon, but please. Please leave him.
Thinking of you OP sad

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 10-Nov-12 13:21:08

You are neither stupid nor a hypocrite. You are not a bitch or controlling. You are a victim of domestic abuse. What you describe is a very long subjection to emotional abuse & sexual abuse that you have felt pressured into participating with against your wishes and judgement. I think divorce is absolutely the right thing to do but, beyond that, I think you should urgently seek psychological help and counselling to help you understand that 'forgive and let go' is not the issue here. You are not 'insane' but I'd be amazed if you haven't been damaged by what you have had to experience and endure. You need help to come to terms with this horrible trauma that you've been subjected to. Men like your DH are dangerous, nasty and a thoroughly malevolent influence.

Can recommend you contact Womens Aid for more support. Can you get yourself away somewhere?

Cantseewood4trees Sat 10-Nov-12 13:21:30

We have 2 sons together. I have 4 boys.

Abitwobblynow Sat 10-Nov-12 13:22:09

You have been completely abused. You poor, poor love.

This is NOT love. This is not intimacy. Your horrible feelings are your true self saying 'this is not right!'

If they are that into eachother, let them get on with it.

What is your H like a a person? Does he shout at you, hit you? How does he treat you when he is not waving his mighty dick about? How is your marital life?

Do you have your own money? Is he threatening divorce to control you, or does he really want out? How does that make you feel?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 10-Nov-12 13:23:06

Sorry... just read that you are not in the UK. The Womens Aid phone number is therefore not much use to you but their website could give you some advice and information that applies regardless of national boundaries.

Cantseewood4trees Sat 10-Nov-12 13:24:04

I am so grateful to all of you posting. I have locked myself in the bathroom and am sobbing my heart out. To hear I am not crazy.... I just have no words of appreciation

dippyDoohdah Sat 10-Nov-12 13:24:41

presumably you don't want your sons to base their values on his? cogito is right...get out and away and do not listen to anything negative he tells you about yourself, it is all his attempts at control.Bastard.

Cantseewood4trees Sat 10-Nov-12 13:27:35

I have nothing. Absolutely nothing. No money and no spirit anymore. He has kicked me and he calls me names all the time. But says I have made him like this with my poison. He never hit me or kicked me for the first 10 years.

dippyDoohdah Sat 10-Nov-12 13:29:01

nothing you have said hints at you being crazy, just that you have very low self belief because of this pure nasty abuse.I think you said that if any of us saw him, we would think he was soft and lovely. keep this in your head: so what!! he has been the total opposite of that to you, the person he should have cherished.no amount of nice times or public displays of niceness can ever take away from that.cry, feel relief, feel validated, then start to put a plan together for a much better life.hugs.

Cantseewood4trees Sat 10-Nov-12 13:29:55

I suspect he is saying to to make me give in. Every argument ends in some hint at divorce but not like this where it is an outright, I dont want to be with you anymore.

Mynewmoniker Sat 10-Nov-12 13:31:11

You are wrong when you say you have nothing. You have your children and us to support you through this. When you get in touch with Women's Aid then you will have them too. X

dippyDoohdah Sat 10-Nov-12 13:31:18

there is some spirit in you, buried beneath all the hurt.that is why you are posting here.if you have nothing, then leave with nothing and you can build something.a few months away from him and you will be amazed at your own possibilities.

FellatioNelson Sat 10-Nov-12 13:31:24

He is telling you you are insane and mentally unstable because of all this? shock You need to get yourself some counselling. You nee to work on your self esteem. And you need to leave him. Immediately. I don't care how nice he may seem to the outside world, he has been a vile emotional and sexual bully for the whole of your married life.

amillionyears Sat 10-Nov-12 13:31:51

Yes give up and head for divorce.
I dont normally say that, I am all for looking to see if things can improve or change.

But your husband has repeatedly broken your marriage, over and over.

[yes you acknowledge you shouldnt have had your affair, and 2 wrongs do not make a right. But you stopped, plus it was a reaction to what he had done].

I suspect that you know you ought to divorce.
And I suspect you have a problem thinking and doing that, else you would have done it years earlier.

amillionyears Sat 10-Nov-12 13:32:49

Do you live in the UK?
How old are your children?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 10-Nov-12 13:37:25

What country are you in? Could we help you find resources for women who are the victim of domestic violence? Do you have parents or friends that you could take your children and go to stay with? Do you have any access to legal advice or could you get some?

Your story is quite harrowing and you do not deserve to be kicked, beaten, called names or expected to endure the sexual perversions and assaults of your husband and his friends.

ledkr Spain Sat 10-Nov-12 13:38:44

Could you leave op? Do you want to? You still have time to have a happy fulfilling life. You have suffered so much and I'm afraid your husband sounds like a desperate pervert

Cantseewood4trees Sat 10-Nov-12 13:40:00

I dont live in the UK and by boys are 22, 21, 16 and 11. I am in South Africa. I dont have a single soul. My Mum passed away and my sister is in New Zealand. I have no idea where I would even start looking. I could ask him to move out. I dont know if he would but I could ask.

scarlettsmummy2 Sat 10-Nov-12 13:40:15

You say you have a business- is it successful? Surely you would be entitled to some of this?

Cantseewood4trees Sat 10-Nov-12 13:41:46

Scarlette, yes, I own equal shares in the company and it pays the bills. I dont actually work in it at all though.

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