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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

when you have finally escaped an abusive relationship...

84 replies

cheesestrung · 12/10/2012 18:25

how do you move on? how do you get past what he has said to you, the threats, the put downs followed by the begging, the sorry, I love you, i always will blah blah

How do you move on, trust again? not live in fear.

I am finally out, but feel weird as he has gone but the "threat" hasn't iyswim

anyone felt like this before?

He admitted that his ex wife and person he lived with before said EXACTLY the same as what I have and he'll probably do it again :-( psychologically F*s you up

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jaffacake2 · 12/10/2012 18:31

Breathe in,breathe out,one step at a time.
Dont rush into the next relationship,give yourself a chance to really know yourself because all that emotional abuse will have left you with a low self esteem. You need to build on that,feel good about yourself
If you have children focus on their needs,for they will have been affected too by listening to all the abuse and maybe seeing it. See if there are any positive male role models for them in your family.
It will get better,but you will always be slightly on your guard.
I speak from personnal experience and brought up my daughters from when they were little because of domestic violence from their father.

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DameFannyGallopsAtaGhost · 12/10/2012 18:35

Time. And being nice to yourself. And bring prepared for the bad memories to come up when you don't expect them.

I hope someone else has more practical advice, but I also have to say Bloody Well Done.

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ParsleyTheLioness · 12/10/2012 18:37

Time, and counselling. And one day you will start to feel ok again.

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Meglet · 12/10/2012 18:40

I still feel threatened 4 years on and we never see him anymore. I think he lives in the same town though.

But on the other hand I've never felt sad that he's gone, I certainly didn't cry about it, I wasn't wasting wrinkles on him!

When both kids are at school next year I will hopefully have time for some counselling as there are a few things I need to talk over and I've been pushing them down for a few years now.

And, yes, I understand from mutual friends that he's just as bloody awful to his current girlfriend.

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DistressedMumHELP · 12/10/2012 18:45

Firstly I would recommend the freedom programme. I have started two weeks ago and already understand more. I still feel threatened almost a year later and worry he will find out where I live but I have a couple of local people who look after me.

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cheesestrung · 12/10/2012 19:08

I knew Domestic Violence was in his divorce, but he said it was a one off incident. he seemed truly sorry. But the reaction of his ex wife was to stop contact with his son, go into "hiding" be hysterical (his words)... and now that has happened to me :-( however i have no kids with him and never lived with him. He admitted today it happened with another serious relationship where they lived together. He said, all three of us have said the same.. at least he has admitted that.. he said he has "seen the light"
however hours before, he said things like , "my blood is on his hands" and he is giving me the heads up to get out before things get really "messy" :-( I felt threatened and scared.
BTW, this happened today

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DameFannyGallopsAtaGhost · 12/10/2012 19:14

Are you safe? You need to report this to your local police NOW. He's made a threat against you - at least make sure they know your address, and that if a phone call comes in it's to be reward seriously.

Then phone Women's Aid, or your local refuge, and talk through some basic safety measures.

Do you have a friend who could maybe come over and talk while it's all so fresh for you?

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DameFannyGallopsAtaGhost · 12/10/2012 19:15

Reward= taken

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cheesestrung · 12/10/2012 19:22

he cried and cried afterwards, said he would never hurt me and it was never his intention. He left on a positive note, saying thank you for happy times etc.. it makes it very confusing. He said he did it out of frustration, he is sorry
I am in on my own, doors locked. I am wretching, have been most of the day :-(
I believe i am safe, yes

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DameFannyGallopsAtaGhost · 12/10/2012 19:41

Still worth phoning the police, and please do phone WA - they can talk you through some of the next steps you need to be taking.

Do you have any family you trust nearby?

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cheesestrung · 12/10/2012 19:53

stupid thing is i feel ashamed and embarrassed. i havent told anyone in RL and would not tell family.. i do have other people i feel i could trust i just dont have the courage to say. i have no idea how i would open a conversation with WA?

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DameFannyGallopsAtaGhost · 12/10/2012 19:57

Just read what you've written here to them?

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Kernowgal · 12/10/2012 20:48

You take one day at a time, one hour at a time if needs be. It's still very new for you, so take care of yourself.

I'm four months out of mine, but he made it easier for me by never apologising or begging me to take him back. It was very final for us, probably because of his ridiculous arrogance and sense of entitlement pride, but I think he realised I'd seen through him and didn't want him anyone near me. He knew he'd lost me.

Definitely look into the freedom project, and get yourself a copy of Lundy Bancroft if you haven't already. Then come and join us on the "support for those in emotionally abusive relationships" thread.

Well done :)

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Kernowgal · 12/10/2012 20:49

anyone near me?

ahem, anywhere. I've not even had a glass of wine yet.

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susiedaisy · 12/10/2012 20:55

One day at a time, I left my exH 22 months ago and am still recovering, life is so much better though, I have has some counselling and spent time doing little things just for myself that I couldn't do when I was with him, which I have found very liberating!

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cheesestrung · 12/10/2012 21:10

yes i am taking it slow. I am in denial tonight. I have been physically sick i am so churned up. I hate being alone, but i would only want the "right" person here and I am not sure who that is... physically still not feeling well, so lying on settee. Im feeling like it was all a dream, feeling detached from the real world, as if i am trapped but i know logically Im not? I have Lundy Bancroft, need to dig it out, bought it regarding exH who ironically wasnt as bad as the latest ex :-(
Yeah i know it is going to take a LONG time to recover. I already have councelling in place

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HissyByName · 12/10/2012 22:07

This all ended today?

My love, you'll still be in shock for a few days yet!

Then you'll start to relax.

You are going to be ok. Call WA and tell them whar you've told us, and ask them for all the support they have to get you through the next few days/weeks.

Eventually it'd be a good idea to do the Freedom Programme, perhaps beforehand read WHY DOES HE DO THAT, and keep talking.

Most important? Understand that none of this was your fault, you didn't cause this, and couldn't have stopped this.

Keep posting, we're all here for you.

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cheesestrung · 13/10/2012 08:46

HBN, thanks for your response, it had been going on for over a year. We were never really "official" iyswim, so no-one knows what has been happening..
today, i still feel sick. My reaction to it has been to overeat (i am normally very healthy, Im not overweight) but i ate so much c**p i made myself sick :-(
ok, so really this is day 1. I am free all day, my ds is with his dad. I have lots to do, housework etc but i could also get out of here. at the moment i am in bed.. i just feel utterly miserable. I should be happy, i can start again, i can be free. i can do anything, so why do i feel as i do

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HissyByName · 13/10/2012 10:04

Sweety, you were abused, you are a victim. It takes time to heal.

You will recover, yes it will take work, but you'll come out of this stronger than you've ever been before.

There's a brilliant thread here - the Emotional Abuse thread, number 12 now I think, they'll put you back together!

Keep posting and know that in just a few short days, you'll start to see a change. The cloud will start to lift.

Read your book, it really will help!

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HissyByName · 13/10/2012 10:07

Why not give WA a call, talk to them about your feelings? They will understand. The only time I called them was a few months after my ex left. It's a start.

If you're in Hampshire, I know of a free DV support group, let me know if that's applicable?

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deliasmithy · 13/10/2012 11:05

Hello OP,

I hope you're doing ok today. All good advice given to you already, but wanted to add that from what you describe, this man's apologetic behaviour is also part of the abuse cycle. Sounds like he's in the making up stage. The purpose of this is to draw you back in under his control. Keep ignoring it. You're doing well :)

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DameFannyGallopsAtaGhost · 13/10/2012 11:16

Have a duvet day sweetie. You've been through the emotional equivalent of a car crash, and emotional abuse creates a physical response - tensed muscles, bad stomach, too much adrenaline in the system.

Give yourself time to heal.

But please do see if you can talk to a real person - it might be a bit painful to start, but it really will help.

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cheesestrung · 13/10/2012 14:43

ok, so its now the afternoon and i am taking everything as it comes. I havent spoken to anyone today, but i have been out for a drive, I had a wonder around and i felt a glimmer of feeling "free"... the horrible place seemed to lift a little and i realised the world can be good again.. I know this is only the start but it is a start yeah? Ive continued to eat rubbish today, just not me, but i dont care, i think there is more to life and i just want to feel better. I want to keep strong. I dont think he meant it (i know i am making excuses for him here) but i really dont. He has had a lot go on in his life and I can see he is, or wants to be a good person really. In terms of me though, i am not going back. I'm don't want to sound big headed here but he doesnt deserve me. My son needs a better role model, thankfully he is young. I just keep wondering, why and how? How did i let it get to that stage and why did it?
Ironically and strangely, he told me he wasnt good enough and if anyone treats me again how he has, i know what to do... very strange him giving advice? does he know what he is doing here am I just naive? He told me not to trust anyone as everyone has an agenda? I said to him there are a lot of good and nice people in the world and i dont wish to view it that way....
anyway, getting out of the house has helped.. thank you all

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susiedaisy · 13/10/2012 14:59

Thinking of you op x

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HissyByName · 13/10/2012 16:02

You SEE? TOLD YOU! Day 2 and you have seen the glimmer! WELL BLOODY DONE LOVE!

His words prove to you sadly that he knew full well what he was doing to you and why.

He knew it was unacceptable and that he still thought it appropriate.

Keep this dreadful person OUT of your life for good.

Don't EVER give him another chance. PLEASE?

You are not being big headed when you say he doesn't deserve you. You are saying the absolute barest minimum of truth. You ARE too good for him.

Imagine the kind of guy that WOULD be good enough for you! THAT'S what you WILL end up with.

I'm almost 2 years down the track after a 10 year DV relationship. I've worked bloody hard to heal, but it's paying off.

I now have the most wonderful, caring, kind and considerate man I have ever met in my life as my gorgeous 6'5" boyfriend. I pinch myself regularly!

Know that all that you have gone through WILL make you stronger and you will be happier than you have ever been in your life, but that there are a few steps you need to make before you get there.

Keep this faith, keep this joy in your sights and know that it is ALL yours, but that you have to work hard and keep focussed and keep walking towards it.

Being dragged down by anyone that is anything less than 100% supportive of you, having anything to do with this ex of yours, or allowing yourself to settle for those that don't put you first and foremost is only going to delay your arrival at the Happiest Point in your life.

Remember, all bad things need negativity to fuel them. Happiness breeds itself. Remove the negative and you will rise up again. Love yourself and others will too.

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