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Very scared about what I HAVE to do........

(40 Posts)
Redline Mon 08-Oct-12 04:48:10

OK to be Concise (if not brief)? The reason this is in Relationships rather than General Health since that question will no doubt be asked when this is done & thread created? Is because the Effects of the problem I'm having here are utterly destroying me in many areas of RL & nowhere more than in my RL relationships? And? I think I'm prob' going to need some hand-holding for this as what I now have to do (I see that) & in some ways a process that I've have already started? Isn't something I'm looking forward to & that's putting it mildly

Anyway my name is Redline (Simon in RL but Redline will do for here) and I admit (at Looooooooong last) I have a Very Bad (indeed) addiction to Painkillers. The problem is? Due to surgery that Should have killed me 7 years ago (I lost nearly 3 pints of blood after it went wrong & Should have died but didn't) & the subsequent insertion of steel plates into my face after said op'? Not to mention my ascent from what can only be called the lowest circles of Hell on Earth a very dark, deep well to get back to being even Halfway normal & fit by normal people's standards? (I could only move my little finger immediately after the op' & had to learn to eat, drink, shave, walk, the Lot from scratch over 2 years after the op').

But due to all that? The op' left me 2 Very nasty souvenirs of it & the difficulties I went through to recover from it - 1 was Very bad nosebleeds that gradually faded but still happen from time to time & the other? Awful (feeling like I've been smashed around the head with an axe or hit with a baseball bat) migraines & headaches that make my head feel like it's splitting apart like you would Not believe. And these come at any time, any place out of the blue so I call them "flashfire" headaches. They are horrible, crippling, Very nasty things & along with what they've led to me needing to combat them? Have basically ruined my life. sad

I find it very hard to find Any work now due to How long I was recovering from the op' & associated NDE & as a result of those headaches? I was soon after the op' (was in 2005) prescribed what is now the Real problem Codeine painkillers. I was OK for a while with them - a number of years even but gradually? (& I Know how this goes as am the brother & son & nephew of nurses) I began to take more as what I had? Wasn't doing the job & removing the headaches & then? Eventually the doctor took me off the Codiene when I told him what it was doing at my former evil witch fiancee's urgings (prob' the last good thing she did for me to end 6 years of torture with her); Trouble is? He then put me on something called Zapain which is Codiene & paracetomol combined & now? I'm using them more than Ever when I have them 6-8 sometimes more each day & when not them? I often bought other Codiene based PK's between prescriptions. Anyway I Want to bring all this to a dead stop now & Never go back to it as my life is changing & I've met someone who I really care & don't want to hurt but? It's proving slightly less than easy to put it mildly to remove myself from the grip of those tablets........

When (as I'm trying again now) I've tried to stop using them? I've had the works temperatures/terrible stomach/running to the loo/Utterly Awful headaches (worse even than the "flashfire" ones/shivering/dizziness & tiredness/lethargy/laying in bed for hours utterly drained & thus far? My need has proven stronger than my will to stop though I've had some terrible battles in Trying to stop? I've not yet managed to, not fully. However? Not only are the mood swings I'm experiencing with & without these tablets doing severe damage to my relationships within my family (my father & sister Hate me, my mother & brother are embarrassed at times but Want to help me - they All row with me frequently & at least one of them has prob' guessed Why I'm the way I now am; Though I've said nothing about this to them). I've become at times short, irritable, snappy, even angry at stupid little things & other times? I get on great with people & the kids in our family (particularly my bro's 1 year old girl-my lovely niece) love me & most of them (barring my mum & sister who are a former & present nurse)? Don't suspect what's wrong with me or the real reason I am the way I am as I'm very good at hiding things when I want to & have my own home. Now though? I've had enough of this - something snapped the other night when I realised the state I was in & I knew it was time to draw a line in the sand & never step back across it.......

This isn't just for me either? I want to do this for My son to? He's 3 years old & I don't want the wreck I've become to be the way He remembers his dad when older whatever physical difficulties I've had since 2005 quite aside from all this (more than a few). Further? I've recently met a woman who I believe is "The One" & though we did argue a lot over one particular subject that's gradually now being resolved? We don't tend to row over much else & enjoy talking to one another; The thing is? I told Her about all this earlier tonight & what it's doing to me - the struggle I've gone/am going through (inc' how I buy other PK's sometimes to 'fill in' for the codeine due to my 'flash-fire' headaches etc) Trying to wean myself (latest attempt began last Fri' night) from the codeine for good & all time? The hell I normally have due to those damn face-plates etc? I told her all this & she was really upset & disappointed in me stating even that I've "lost the plot" in hiding everything the way I do from those I love & putting My needs before those of my family & child.

She then said some of my behaviour of late as well has sounded "vile" (which it has been - snapping at people, banging doors, becoming irritable etc) and needs sorting out but now I've told her this? She understands the cause & is prepared to help me get through this & come out the other side. She's a good woman & just Who I need & have needed to meet for a long while I think & I can't Bear the though of losing her yet tonight? I get the impression that by speaking about all this without thinking? I've (not for the first time) terribly hurt her & really disappointed her & as I've grown to care for her So very much? That really upsets me & I want to bring an end to all this re' the PK's & this time? Make it permanent & Never go back to them, not ever. However despite her upset, at the same time? I got the impression this woman really cared about & Would try to be there for me; I Don't want to disappoint or upset her anymore & am trying to do the right thing partly as she's prob' the only one I care for other than my son (& family) & the first person (never mind woman) I've opened up to about all this before tonight & partly as I Know this has to end somewhere & it's not going to be the end of me while I've got a little boy who I intend to see grow.

Anyway as I said? The ladies reaction helped changed something; It hardened the conviction I'd gotten to myself the other night that things Can't go on like this & resolved me to continue my self-begun crusade to free myself of this drug (and it is that isn't it?) Further? Her reaction prompted this little novel in fact as without hearing her disappointment earlier & realising just What she means to me? I doubt I'd have noticed anything was wrong & gone back to the PK's soon enough; However? Something is, Very wrong with me & I see that now; Which is why I'm Trying rope & grapnel in hand to ascend from Hell once more & become normal & Never dependent on those horrible things again!! >looks at compass (pointing North), fires grapnel & begins to climb walls to distant light above with intrepid expression on face<

I feel a mess - I Am a mess; Am I doing the right thing anyone reading? Is anyone there to hold my hand in this? I'm Really afraid of what's coming in this "Cold Turkey" process (Started since last Friday at 2AM & it's already become a Real battle sad ); I'm going tomoz' (today?) to see my doc' on the Lady I care for's advice & get a battle plan a set plan in moving myself away from this dependence for good but Can I see it through? Will my willpower hold out? I just don't know - hold my hand please or send a hug if reading this - I think I might need it. I just want to make the people in my life happy (her) & proud of me (my little boy) & return to someone like Who I was years ago before ever hearing the words Pain Killers; I do Not any longer desire being a PK dependent, desperate near-zombie who feels like an utter freak (& spends more time asleep than awake) as I have been now for more years than I can remember - is that to much to ask? I hope not; Here's hoping for some hands to hold or hugs if poss'? Something tells me I might need them before all this is over. Oh well, here goes nothing.........sad sad

Redline Mon 08-Oct-12 04:51:27

Will say it again just to convince myself I Can do this; My name is Redline & I'm addicted to Painkillers..............sad sad

I hope I can free myself from this addiction & I hope someone out there reading is with me or has hugs & handholding - I feel very alone right now in this battle though I Know I'm not. Anyway thanks for reading.........

Redline Mon 08-Oct-12 04:58:11

Am I doing the right thing to enable me to repair my life & relationships with everybody? I Know I am physically/health wise but my relationships with my family & son & the one me & this lady are growing into mean an awful lot to me as well - Is this the right way to go by admitting there's a problem & then moving forwards from there?

TheMightyRubester Mon 08-Oct-12 05:01:22

<<reaches out>>

I will hold your hand Redline.

I have no experience of what you are going through but wanted you to know that someone was here and had read about your struggle. Admitting you have a problem is the first, big step. It's great you have found a woman in real life who cares enough to give you emotional support and good advice.

Hope everything goes well at the doctors today - don't hold back, tell it exactly as it is as you have written here.

Someone will be along soon with more experience of this than me x

LittleWub Mon 08-Oct-12 05:06:43

Just thought I'd say hello and reassure you that you're not the only one up at this hour!

I hope your GP is helpful and offers the practical advice you need. I've not got any words of wisdom, but I'll pop in every night to see how you are getting on.

Good luck!! It's going to be a long hard slog but it will be worth it in the end.

ripsishere Mon 08-Oct-12 05:07:58

I'm not much use, I am allergic to Codeine. I understand it is really addictive though.
IMO, you should be cutting down, not going cold turkey. Do enlist your GPs support. Can you ask for a referral to a pain clinic while you are there?
Very best of luck.

Lostincircles Mon 08-Oct-12 05:56:47

Redline you have been carrying a heavy burden and you need proper support and advice to help you with getting through this.

My thoughts fwiw are that
a) the emotional trauma of your earlier experiences is ongoing. This may be some form of PTSD which would therefore need to be addressed through proper channel.
b) Codeine is effectively morphine and as such you will need support to disengage with the drug
c) chronic painkiller use can make headaches worse
d) you need to access a chronic pain service who can look at alternative analgesia, to take you through coping techniques and possibly access the correct psychological support for you.
Also if you are in uK may be worth exploring idea of referral to specialist neurosurgical pain centre like Queens Square.

The acute services underestimate (? dont really consider) the emotional / psychological trauma of major and emergency surgery and the time it takes to heal the pain- in all senses. Unfortunately,even if they did, there is little resource built into the post event care. I really hope you get the right help now Redline. Hang on in there - you are heading in the right direction.

SirSugar Mon 08-Oct-12 07:42:15

Morning Redline, Your post was difficult to read.

I was addicted to solpediene for over twenty years taking up to 10-12 a day at times. I was in the process of cutting down when I ended up hospitalised with suspected meningitis ( which thankfully I didn't have ). After I recovered from 'Virus with Migraine', and I had migraines at least once a month before the illness, I then had a problem with my kidneys which took a further three weeks to resolve.

All of this was enough to put the fear of god into me, thinking that I was going to kill myself with these pills, and never take another codiene based tablet again.

I don't miss them at all.

Get all the help you need for this, I know how difficult it is to kick, but I would say IME that the addiction is part psychological as well as physical - depending on the amount of codiene in your tablets. If you have to take them now, buy ones with the smallest mg of codiene per tablet and take yourself off a couple each week.

izzyizin Mon 08-Oct-12 12:51:35

I second the advice (given above) that you should consult your doctor with a view to being referred to a pain clinic or similar which can supervise a planned withdrawal from your drug of choice and which either offers rehabilitation on an outpatient basis or can refer you to a suitable rehab programme.

Going cold turkey to cure an addiction to opioids is not recommended and can cause unwelcome health complications.

In addition, when the physical withdrawal symptoms have subsided you may experience anxiety, depression, insomnia, and the cravings of post-acute withdrawal syndrome (PAWS) which can last for months or years.

If you are determined to go it alone, make sure you eat healthily, exercise daily - if you're unaccustomed to regular exercise start with brisk 10 minute walks and gradually increase the time to half an hour, and, particularly as you are not working, find a time consuming hobby that you will enjoy doing.

However, given that you have recognised that you have a problem and have admitted it, I feel sure you'll find it easier if you get professional medical and psychological support to help you overcome your addiction and would urge you to do so.

There are some aspects of your post which are of additional concern to me and, with reference to the lady you have recently met, how long have you known her and how often do you spend time with her? Where do you go on your dates with her - your place, her place, out and about?

tabbycat15 Mon 08-Oct-12 13:59:54

I read your post a while a go but didn't reply. How are you doing now? I hope you got some advice on coming off the medication.

My son was on Oxycodine for a few months after spinal surgery. He weaned off slowly but it took months for withdrawal symptoms to stop.

Have you had any counselling at all?

Hello! How are you doing today? (I'm LittleWub from earlier with a name change)

Redline Tue 09-Oct-12 10:23:07

Hey RemindmeWhatSleepIs? (an apt Nickname for me that would be lol as my body-clocks a Real mess right now) I'm OK(ish) I've not had any Zapain since Last Friday night? I've had to use something to tone down the headaches but it's Not been that; I'm doing my best Miss; Seeing the doc' today this afternoon as he was booked out yesterday? (Stupid system at this end - you Have To ring to book at 8AM or 1PM Then? They tell you you COULD have booked in advance - Shakes head confused). Anyway? Thinking of my son & that lady I spoke about mainly & Trying to fight through all this. Thank you for caring & writing again Littlewub - means a lot to know someone's listening & watching for me Miss; How come you name-changed mind? Didn't know you could do that on here once registered? Oh well - you learn a new thing everyday & all that;

To everyone else who wrote in reply? Thanks for listening & I've read some of them but not in depth as yet - will do & will reply soon. Thanks for holding my hand to TheMightyRubester - I really needed that Miss; smile I feel a Bit better now knowing I'm not alone as I thought I was in this the other night. And yes LostinCircles I know Codiene is like Morphine - half my family work in medicine which makes what I've done all the More stupid every time I think about it. blush. And yes it Is sheer hell right now trying to go cold on it but up until that? I'd honestly Tried everything else & couldn't see What else to do short of finding a wall to head-bang against closing my eyes & rocking back & forth saying "why me?" & what good would that do? I had to do something - so this was it

Izzyizzin? TY for writing Miss; I was hoping you or Anyfucker who I've seen on here quite a few times & both of whom seem to be very knowledgeable/helpful would reply & will read & reply to you in detail later; Again? Thank you for taking the time to do so & I appreciate it. Anyway just to ask? What aspects of my post concerned you & I'll do my best to answer those as well; As to the lady? We've only met once so far - not known each other for To long & spend a lot of time talking online & on the phone but we just "Click" you know? I feel warm & fuzzy & happy when I talk to her & she really likes me or so she's told me & I don't know - after the evil nightmare difficulties I had with my ex-fiancee? It's something I like & we'll see where it goes I think? Early days as yet but promising signs................

So what did the doc say?

Yes you can name change. Lots of people edit their name to suit the season, you'll see a few Halloween related names at the mo, and loads of Christmas names soon. Also people name change to discuss subjects which may reveal who they are in RL. No big mystery for me, I'd been my previous name for 4 years so was due a change (LittleWub for 24 hours in the middle whilst I thought of a name). smile

itsallinmyhead Wed 10-Oct-12 05:02:17

I'll hold your hand Redline. The best thing you can do is see your gp, like your good lady suggests & I'll hold your hand.

Redline Wed 10-Oct-12 06:14:01

RemindMeWhatSleepIs? Wow, didn't know that re' the names; confused Such a little thing but one for some reason? I'm happy to learn smile Maybe it's just me being a knowledge junkie, boffin geek (as of old at school a very long time ago) & happy to learn? Who knows? Haha re' the Xmas names & Halloween ones, sounds like fun but FWIW? Littlewub sounded very cute & was a nice name for you IMO but again? 4 years is prob' long enough so sleep well Littlewub name - we knew & liked you well LoL wink

Anyway the doctor? Was my agony aunt Doctor & it may have been my imagination but? He looked a little unsurprised to see me; Me? I wouldn't be surprised if he was tired of me; Especially since he's seen me at that GP practice since I was 2 & I guess after 32 years of me (I'm 34 now btw)? Even I'd need a break hmm;

Anyway? He praised my courage in coming to him about it & said I'd done the right thing but the bloody stupid wrong one in Trying to go CT to get Off the Zapain? He then gave me to go with the --useless- rudimentary plan I had in my head for getting off the codiene? A sort of what can only be called an Action Plan for withdrawing totally from Codiene over time; I saw him about several other things as well so left this? Until last as it took me that long to work up the courage to mention it to him?

Anyway he agreed with me that the symptoms I've had of late (irritability, tiredness, trouble with my stomach/toilet etc?) are All symptomatic of excessive doses of & damage caused by paracetamol & codiene together (this is important); He then? Gave me the action plan which was basically to take me off Zapain, put me onto pure Codiene tablets & then? Make a long term plan for me to 'taper down' the numbers I get the codienes in Until I can go without them & then? He said he'll put me on Ibuprofen once the Codienes are gone - this is because the pains I get? Aren't going to go away even if I don't take codiene anymore - due to the heavy surgery I had & the damage it did? I'll be like this for life so need Something for it/to help with the pain; Just not something quite that hellishly addictive or damaging over the longterm. He told me to see him again in a month & that we'll go along gradually from there but that I can phone him in the meantime if I have any difficulties.

Further to that? He gave me a few names of local groups I could talk to about all this to. So yes he helped me - a lot & was as good/encouraging/praising of my forthrightness as I thought he'd be & yes that's a help; I feel better now than I did when I started this thread & if not at it yet? I think the finish line re' me & codiene? Is finally in sight & though I suspect there'll be bloody loads not a few bends, ramps & valleys to go over & through to reach it as yet? The countdown on me & codiene that is ridiculously slightly overdue? Has Finally begun & soon? I'll be getting it out of my life for good & All time..............

Itsallinmyhead? Thank you Miss: As you prob' read by now? I went & the results are detailed above - but thanks for offering & I'll gladly accept My Lady; <Reaches out, grasps Itsallinmyheads hand, squeezes>

Just to say? You don't know How much the support I've had on here for this & not a few other things I've talked about in my slightly difficult Battered & ruined life has meant. More than any of you can ever know; Thanks for it all of you - I really appreciate it & all of you who've offered such care & listening; It's stopped me falling a very long way more than once; For that? It helped? - Everything you've all said on here & your listening to me; Anyway Suffice to say more than once? You've prob' all helped haul me back from out over space the cliff edge & that? Is something I can never repay but which I appreciate immensely. Suffice to say? Sometimes men have Very dark times of the soul & emotions to? We just never talk about it & as this wonderful site is showing me? Maybe more of us should. This site saved me from having My particular midnight of the soul completely implode & prob' take me With it & saving me from that? Is something I can never repay you all who endured spoke to me enough for - You have my thanks & always will...............

<squeezes It'sallin's hand again>

NB Izzyizzin if you're reading? Hope the updates are OK & just wondered if you could update me on what those aspects of my original post were that you were concerned with? I'll do my best to answer & hope you're well Miss.

ripsishere Wed 10-Oct-12 06:57:41

Glad to hear you have a supportive GP.
It's odd, I think most women expect men to be emotion free. I know my DH is very stoic and seems to tolerate most stuff.
The exception being unkindness to our DD - he is in a position to see it since he teaches her and criticism of his family. I am guilty of that. A lot.
Keep on your plan and the very best of luck.

itsallinmyhead Thu 11-Oct-12 01:40:54

Just a quick pop in to read your updates Redline. You are one brave guy & I'm so pleased to read that with such a supportive gp, your path is becoming clear to you.

Without boring you too much, I just wanted you to know that within my professional life I often support individuals who have made the brave decision to make positive lifestyle changes by addressing substance misuse issues & I can empathise with how difficult & often frightening this decision can be & I am humbled by your strength. One day at a time, Redline. grin

Hello! Just briefly flying past. How are you feeling today? Good to hear that your GP was helpful.

ripsishere Thu 11-Oct-12 04:02:51

How are you feeling today Redline?

Redline Thu 11-Oct-12 06:36:41

Thank you for your kind words Itsallinmyhead & I prob' admire you just as much MIss since you help people in --desperate messes- bad situations like mine & doing that & remaining competent, unaffected etc yourself? Is no mean feat so well done Miss you have my admiration & TY re' my GP - yes the path is becoming clear to me now - slowly but surely.........

Hi remindmewhatsleepis? I'm OK today - a little better than before - just taking each day as it comes I guess & doing my best.........

ripishere? I'm a bit better today - it varies - there'll be harder moments, they will die off a bit & then come back full force with all the force of a ballistic missile volcano going off in my head just to remind me I'm not free of it yet. As I said? Am just taking each day as it comes & trying to limit if not (yet) lower my use of PK's until I really need them.

Thank you all you nice ladies for asking. I appreciate your concern & will do my best to be strong & one day soon? End this curse I suffer from............

ripsishere Thu 11-Oct-12 06:54:58

TBPH, I would be wary of limiting the analgesia 'until you really need it' just in case you get to a point where it's really bad and you take a lot ITMS.
I have no experience of this as you can tell, but IMO, it's best to try to keep on top of it rather than over medicate to get a handle on it.

Redline, you've not posted for 48 hours. Is everything ok?

RobotLover68 Sat 13-Oct-12 07:31:37

I'll hold your hand redline - I'm a 20+ years recovering Solpadeine addict - I've now been "clean" for 722 days (yep I'm counting). The first few weeks were awful - all the symptoms you described. I found a health forum which helped as they were able to tell me that I could get through the cold turkey.

When I first came off I was just getting through an hour at a time, eventually a day at a time etc.

Glad you've got RL support, I was too ashamed to tell anyone in RL

Good luck and let us know how you're getting on

Redline Tue 16-Oct-12 05:15:02

Hi sorry not posted for a while - Remindme'? Not really - don't know why (though I suspect my dad & grandad being unwell of late, a real battle with my on/off 'partner' in real life re' something dear to her & most of all missing my son so very much after he went home for another 2 weeks after the weekend here all have much to do with it alongside the endless bitter war I am trying to wage on my horrible codiene addiction sad) but? I feel lower right now than I have at any time in recent months right back to that truly awful time in the middle of summer when I was in the middle of not seeing my son for 4 months & 1 week & wondering if I ever will again?

Right now I feel so depressed, upset, down, tired & apathetic that I just wonder if I should even bother trying anymore? Never mind going on longterm - I don't know where this latest assault of dark clouds & a truly evil vicious depression I get from time to time has come from - it's rather sprung on me here but right now? I really do feel down - Maybe I'm not as far along the path as I thought..............

Feel sad right now. Sorry sad sad sad

Thanks Robotlover - guess I'll thank you for that >>holds hands<< I feel like I really need handholding & hugs again now else I will fall & that's a statement of fact not a possibility - if I waver anymore right now? I will fall end of, I just know I will as I've fallen so many times before but somehow? This one will be that much worse - I know that to. Maybe only being on Mumsnet right now (even though I'm a man lol work that one out if you can confused ) is what's keeping me from falling even as I speak type but right now? I'm wavering - a lot indeed; Feel down, depressed, disheartened & Not in a good place at all & just when I thought I'd gone on from that again..........sadsad

Hope someone's listening but don't know if you are? Sorry - I also feel alone right now as everyone I care for? Has either ignored or had a go at me in the last 48 or so hours so not good. Anyway I suppose (& I Hate writing weakly like this) Any hugs or hand holds? Will be appreciated right now & as ever I guess? I fight on............

Sorry to bother anyone - that's just me right now. Could prob' do with wine right now but then it's the desire to 'fuzz' everything out & have it just fade & flash past me without bothering me that got me into this whirlpool of darkness mess isn't it? I wonder if I'll ever learn. I hope so. If only for my son's sake I certainly hope so & at my age? I really should know better by now but if I don't learn now? Will I ever? I sincerely doubt it..................

Well you're not alone & I will hold your hand for a bit, although I know nothing about codeine addiction.

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