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Advice on re-starting my sex life please!

(10 Posts)
Simbaline Fri 05-Oct-12 10:43:38

I'm married with two dc's, 2 and 7 and love my husband very much - lifes not all perfect but things are pretty good and I feel very lucky. But things are just rubbish in the bedroom. After having my second dc it took quite a while to get back to having sex with feeling very unconfident about my very wobbly body and various other issues, in fact we're really just getting back to it now!
The thing is sex was never that great before but now its rubbish. I do love him and quite fancy him and he is clearly keen but his touch just does nothing for me. Hes too rough sometimes and too gentle others and just doesn't seem to have any awareness of how i'm feeling. I'd love to feel really close to him but i just get a bit bored, realise i'm not going to be able to get anywhere near and orgasm and give up a bit. It's really depressing and feels like a huge part of our relationship is missing.
Has anyone got any ideas? I have tried to talk to him but he doesn't seem to understand what i'm saying - probably not putting it very well but how can i tell him i havent had an orgasm for years when he clearly thinks things are fine? Has anyone had counselling as a couple for this kind of thing and did it help? I'm desperate for things to change.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 05-Oct-12 13:36:21

I think good sex is a combination of natural intimacy and good communication. For the natural intimacy part don't limit your thinking to 'penetration in the bedroom' but do what the teens do... snog on the sofa, hold hands in the street, gaze into each other's eyes, have silly jokes and pet names, stand a little too close.... All of that gets the desire nicely bubbling. Then - because you're grown-ups and not self-conscious teens - TALK. Tell/show each other what you enjoy and what you want. Experiment and get some feedback. Use erotic literature/images if you run out of ideas and need some inspiration. Above all, be honest. If it's not doing anything for you, say so....

InappropriateCrushes Fri 05-Oct-12 13:50:50

Similar thing here. When DP was going at it like a bull in a china shop, instead of pretending I was enjoying it, i gently said 'a little slower darling please' and then lots of 'mmmmm, lovely' when he was doing it right or at least better than it was. I do think it depends on weather your DP wants to please you or not. If he's not bothered, you've got a long way to go, but if he genuinely cares, then you should get there in the end. Another thing I found good was not making too big an issue out of it. I'm lucky in that my DP will pick up on a casual comment like 'i like it when you put two fingers into me slowly' when previously he had been poking away at me with his whole hand. HTH.

Simbaline Fri 05-Oct-12 14:49:02

Thanks for that - i have tried to bring it up but he gets really uncomfortable - so confident in so many other ways but he really can't seem to talk about this and that makes me uncomfortable . Once when I said I didn't like something he basically said his previous girlfriends had liked it so clearly I was wrong! He is very caring so I suppose I just have to be brave and drink a glass / bottle of wine, say what I think and then jump on him and see what happens! Maybe I should get him to read Fifty Shades of Grey!

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 05-Oct-12 15:15:02

How is he on foreplay? Really into it or just killing time before the main event? (I'd guess the latter)

OneMoreChap Fri 05-Oct-12 16:16:11

Suggest, ask, then tell.
Maybe show...

If you're worried about saying it's been crap for years, you could always say since DC things have changed a bit... I'd like.. and so on.

Opentooffers Fri 05-Oct-12 16:44:45

Yuk thing to compare you to previous girlfriends. If he was that experienced he would know that everyone is different so a 'one size fits all' approach is not appropriate.
Some men are just better at noticing a woman's response to a certain touch than others. Others need it spelling out more. If he wants to please you he should listen to your suggestions. It's quid pro quo though so is as important to ask him what he enjoys. Share the love :-)

Opentooffers Fri 05-Oct-12 16:47:34

A bit slower, faster, up and down, round and round etc. Direction during rather than a big discussion at some other time may work better

Simbaline Fri 05-Oct-12 22:30:38

Thankyou for all your advice. Will try again with the directions and maybe not give up if they don't work the first time. We're going to try and have a night away without the kids in oct so we'll see if I can inject a bit of romance in to it!
Has anyone had any experience with sexual couselling and whether it would be helpful for us?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 06-Oct-12 06:48:48

A man who finds it tough to talk about sex with his partner is probably not going to feel comfortable going along to a counsellor. Try upping the communication/feedback yourselves first with openness and encouragement. Should be easier to talk about 'embarrassing' personal things in a loving environment one on one than sat in a stranger's office.

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