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Red Flags? Long!

(85 Posts)
Usherwoop Mon 01-Oct-12 12:14:58

Got together with one of my closest friends about 3 months ago. We have been friends for years and got on brilliantly. However, since getting together I have realised he has issues with insecurity/ jealousy. For example a few weeks ago (and apologies for tmi) I had to go to a doctor for an examination "down below" and he wasn't happy it was a male doctor examining me, asking if I could re-book with female.

I was dating before getting together with DP and he still checks my phone to ensure neither of the men I had dated in recent months have been in touch, demanded to see the messages I had sent informing them I was with someone and no longer dating etc.

But what has really upset me is what happened over the weekend. We went out and he paid for me to go to the cinema. When we got back to his afterwards, I told him (and again tmi sorry!) I couldn't have sex as I have a yeast infection blush He assumes I'm lying to get out of having sex (?!) and then made a comment about I should have told him before he spent money on my cinema ticket!

He said this in a way so I wasn't sure if he was joking- although he was grumpy about the no sex situation. Either way, I was horrifed and very hurt by this comment. He later apologised and said because we are in a long distance relationship it's upsetting that we couldn't have sex for the short time he's home. He also recently lost a family member so said he was already in a bad mood.

I don't know what to think now- As I said, I have been very close friends with this man for years and years. He is in our immediate "circle" and I know he cares deeply for me. I think he's very insecure about my feelings for him (he'd pursued me for a while and I wasn't interested). Am I over-reacting, if the cinema ticket comment was a joke is that still inappropriate?

Heart7 Tue 02-Oct-12 17:35:05

Dump, dump, dump. Whoever has died, it's no excuse for treating you that way. Honestly, the more you put up with it the worse it will get. Good luck honey x

nutellaontoast Tue 02-Oct-12 19:01:17

Cripes - he genuinely thinks he's entitled to sex because someone died and he spent a tenner on you. OMFG.

Run, run, run awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy and sod the fucking holiday money, you'll manage somehow.

Berts Wed 03-Oct-12 10:54:57

What? WHAT?!!!?! He seriously asked your friend if it wouldn't have been nice for you to put out, in return for a cinema ticket? How fucking mortifying for you, and for your poor friend, who must be thinking now 'what a dick, why is she seeing him?'

Not being rude, but based on my own disastrous relationship history and getting involved with controlling men, you should probably take a break from relationships for a while and look at what your approach to relationships is.

You mention being commitment phobic and having had previous bad relationships. Then you get involved with a man who is controlling and emotionally abusive. This is a 'red flag' for you. There is a reason - maybe you grew up in a home with unhealthy relationships/attitudes, maybe because you haven't resolved some past hurts in previous relationships - but there's a reason you shy away from getting involved, and then when you do, it's with someone who hurts you, or tries to control you.

Maybe you need to work out what that reason(s) is and work on that, so you can put yourself in a place to be ready for a good and healthy relationship with a lovely man.

hildebrandisgettinghappier Wed 03-Oct-12 11:54:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lueji Wed 03-Oct-12 12:05:29

I'd probably give him back the cinema ticket money and call it a day.

After asking for the holiday money. Do it now.
Why have you paid for him?

MrsToddsShortcut Wed 03-Oct-12 13:51:52

Please run from this man. I've been in two abusive relationships and I recognise ALL of this.

Just to clarify, it's possible that he was able to be a pretty good 'friend' to you, because he would have perceived the boundaries to be different.

As a 'friend', you do not 'belong' to him. If you are dating other men while you are friends, he will perceive that you 'belong' to them. That you are their property.

However, now that you are dating him, he will view you as 'belonging' to him and he will believe that it is his right to control you.

Please believe that this is how they operate. I hate to think of you going through even 1% of what I did.

DreamingofSummer Wed 03-Oct-12 15:30:01

OP. Bang! That was the starting pistol.

Please do your very best Usain Bolt impression right now

issimma Wed 03-Oct-12 15:36:56

Lots of great advice upthread, but yes, these are huge red flags. Please leave.

Usherwoop Wed 03-Oct-12 19:18:55

Lol I'm no Usain Bolt but I shall do my best!

It made a lot of sense the poster who spoke about my reasons for shying away from relationships... It's almost like I lose respect for a man when they begin to love me, how crazy is that hmm

I paid for him as he had no internet access- he'd just moved house. But I'm going to get my money before I tell him it's over.

He texted me asking why I was being "quiet" with him. I told him and he apologised and said he's not been himself due to the death. But the other red flags were before this so to be honest I'm not buying it one bit! The thought of sleeping with him repulses me now, definitely time to leave.

MrsToddsShortcut Wed 03-Oct-12 22:27:38

Good for you - we are here for you all the way

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