Healing from an emotionally abusive relationship

[Amitolamummy]

I can see a thread for people in one and one about red flags, but is there one for people who are now single and have woken up to the fact that there never was a relationship and they've wasted years of their life on a total arsehole?
I've been single 3 months now, well nearly a year technically but he only moved out 3 months ago after he showed his children his true colours.
I'm doing the freedom programme and reading books, but I feel as though i'm blocking the emotion about it all. I can now see that he never felt anything for me and just used me. We were together 6 years and have a baby and 4 yr old. I'm much happier now i'm free from him and my son's behaviour is much much better, but I feel such an idiot and i'm sure everyone is judging me. It's hard to be happy all the time, which I have to do for the children. 4
I was abused as a child and have had 4 abuisve relationships, plus 1 with a total nutcase for a few months who ended up nearly killing me.
I really don't think i'll ever meet a normal decent man, so it looks like its just me and my sons forever. I don't even know how I let all of this happen, i'm not stupid and can spot abusive men. Although I did see what he was doing right from the start, but everyone told me he was lovely and it must be me. I really thought I was going mad for a long time and now I know i'm not and it was him, I can't help thinking about all those wasted years and my poor children who have such an arse for a father :(

[TheHappyHissy]

My love, the first few months are like this, but you already see how things are better, how you are better.

We do have a thread, the Support thread for those in Emotionally abusive relationships. Many of us are out already, all at different stages, but all of us felt as you do in the beginning.

The freedom programme is a start, but as you know it's not a magic bullet. Time is a great healer. You can call woman's aid if you need a RL voice, you can ask for therapy from the GP.

Come chat with us over on the support thread, ask whatever questions you may have, vent, cry, laugh, or share your experiences. You're not alone anymore chick, you have us!

Well done for getting out! It's huge!

[TheHappyHissy]

I'm sure the others will be along shortly! :)

[charllie]

Where is this thread you're saying about TheHappyHissy??

[TheHappyHissy]

It'sin relationships

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1448224-Support-thread-for-those-in-Emotionally-Abusive-relationships-number-8

Sorry, on tablet, hoping the link works..

[TheHappyHissy]

Hooray!

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

The trick is not to keep harking back in a self-reproachful 'why didn't I spot it?' and 'how could I have wasted so much time on an arse?' (although I know exactly what you mean) .... but to build your confidence by taking on a few challenges, having a bit of fun & grounding yourself as the kind of independent person that you want to be. Leaving a difficult relationship age 30 I realised I'd spent most of the previous 14 years as 'someone's daughter/girlfriend/wife' and had never really been independent. So I left it a whole five years before embarking on anything approaching a relationship, sinking myself into my work, travelling a lot, and (apologies for the cliche) getting to know myself. In subsequent relationships I've made sure the power-balance is much more in my favour and so far, so good.

Good luck

[foolonthehill]

Hi, we all are as your are, some more so some less. have a hug. Some days are good, some are bad, we get through and we learn to be ourselves and to forgive ourselves.

[ibuyjaffacakesnow]

Hello Amitol, you'll find lots of support on the support for emotional abuse thread. Many kind and wise women.

You've done so well to get your dcs away from him at such a young age. They can now have a lovely life with you.

I'm not very good at wise words but wanted to give you support.

[TodaysAGoodDay]

Hi Amitol,

You are more than welcome to come and join us on the Emotional Abuse thread. It's just such a shame that so many of us need it
You are lucky, you're out of it, some aren't. I do feel so sorry for them.
Here's a big (((hug))) because you've done so very well to get to where you are.
Your DC's may not appreciate what you've gone through yet, but they will.

Hang on in there, it gets better and better x

[something2say]

It is very complicated to pick this sort of thing apart. But Id start with not blaming yourself, and then committing to some time for yourself.

Abusive people twist and turn and confuse normal people. Thats nothing at all to do with you...

But people who were abused sometimes have boundary problems, and dont understand right from wrong, and are often looking for people to cling to and therefore stay with arses whom other people would leave much more quickly. Hence the self blame.

I prescribe -

Time out wherein you learn that you are ok all by yourself, no matter what.
A period of time where you test your instincts. Listen to them and watch what they say play out to be true.
Positive affirmations - you are NOT going to be alone forever, you are going to heal and grow as a woman and there are wonderful men out there.

This is all normal btw. You're doing fine x

[Amitolamummy]

Thank you everyone. Typing one handed with bub asleep on my lap so brief reply,but will pop over to the other thread