My gf cheated on me with my friend

[jlemmon]

Hi,

Firstly I will start by saying that I'm not a mum, in fact I'm a dad. i dont know if this means my message will get flagged and removed, but I didnt facy posting on any dad related site, because I know well the ignorance of men.
So, heres my story. Im sorry, I dont know any of the abbreviations that you use on the site.
I met my girlfriend whilst at University. I was living with friends, and so was she. At the time the 3 friends I was living with were my family, we were really close. Not just beer drinking lads, we had a really tight connection, especially between my friend Johnny (we'll call him!) and I. When i met my Gf, we fell really deeply in love. I guess it was young love,as we only 19, but it was the most intense feeling I had ever had. We would walk the streets, get on buses not knowing where we going. We floated around in utter freedom, love and bliss. We both stopped seeing our friends as much and just made love all time. This led to our first child! This was after 6 months, of course it was a shock, but we were so in love we knew it would be okay. So we moved into together and my son was born. We were really skint and trying to finish our degrees, which my gf did, and I didnt. As hard as it was everything was good for a while, we both adored our son and we were still filled with love. After a year I was finding it quite hard to cope with this sudden change in my life. i drempt of travelling and hedonism as a teenager and suddenly the words united utilities and council tax took meaning. My reaction to this was to turn to gambling. This wasnt a concious decision, I guess it was subconcious reaction of sorts. I was phychologically ill. I would at any spare time, go to a pub to spend the money we didnt have. I would lie as to where the money was, I would pawn things to get the money back, but i would always go back to it. I am a good man, and I know it sounds really bad what I did, and its a shame that I waill always carry. That I dint provide for my family at the beginning. It was like I was self destructing. I twasnt about winning or losing, nothing to do with greed, I still dont know really, i put it down to the pressures of young parenting, but loads of people cope, so I dont know. Anyway, this had a major effect on our relationship, all the lies, the constant lies, it pushed us apart, but we still got on and loved one another, but there was a darkness between us that had not been there before.
During this time, or a little later, my gf finished her degree and got a job at one cafe and my gf another. She suddenly had a group of friends again after a year and halp of babies and breastfeeding. She started going out, coming back late and reliving her time lost. i was understanding about it all, as she was still young, and its what I wanted to do. i wanted her to have fun, and didnt impact on our son, because I would take over. Anyway this period came to an end, when she got a better job, and she no longer saw that group anymore. My son was about 2 now, and I was seeing my old friends more, as its easier to socialise with a toddler. My friends would come round for tea and drinks, and all seemed well. My fbest friend Jonny, who i spoke about earlier, was having a hard time with his gf at the time, and my gf was helping him though it. I knew that they were getting closer, she would give him a lift home every so often, but I thought it was nice. Obviously I was jealous but I thought it was manly bullshit in my head, and I had to accept that my gf could have a friendly relationship with my friend, if anything i should encourage it. My friend Jonny, left after splitting with his gf to Madrid. This was 3 years ago.
Since that time we have had 2 more children, 2 girls, and life has been good, hard as we are still training to be teachers so money is tight, but we laugh and love. I was always urked by the relationship between Jonny and my gf though, something didnt add up, i asked my gf so many times if anything went on and she said that they just became good friends, but that he seemed to be pushing it just slightly, and that it made her uncomftable, and that was the end of it, and not to worry. But I did, for about 2 years, and then I let go of it.
So last week, after putting the kids to bed, my gf broke down and told me she had slept with a guy from her cafe job on several occassions and that she had slept with my best friend jonny over a weekend, when I took my son back to my mums. I was instantly heartbroken. I have never been heartbroken before, and didnt know the effedcts of it. I have been physically ill for a week now, although i am coming round. My gf is utterly distraught with what she has done. She says it was because of the lies and that she was just acting out, she says it all dawned on her that she did love me and she had made the darkest of betrayals. She truely hates herself. But so do I. But I also love her so much. i want to forgive her, bvut I feel tricked, obviously about the cheating, but also its been 3 years. I dont know what advice you can give, but any would be good. I think I just needed to write it all down.

[oldwomaninashoe]

Before the "revelation" how was your relationship? What prompted her to "tell all"?
Could you eventually, in time forgive her if there is no further contact, ever, with either guy?
Was this betrayal during your gambling phase?

[GeekCool]

I hope it HAS helped you to write it down. I just want to say really, this confirmation of your suspicions only came last week. You need to be kind to yourself. Don't expect to make a decision on your future quickly. You need time to process this, ask questions that you want to ask and figure out how YOU feel.
You need to know if you can forgive this. I think between you, a LOT has happened. Children at a young age, a heady relationship, money woes, gambling issues etc. That is a lot to wade through.

I'm sorry I have no help to offer :( . I can only wish you well and hope you find an outcome that makes you happy. Hopefully others will come along with more sage advice. Just don't be railroaded and take your time to think it all through. :)

[jlemmon]

Hi there, thanks for the support geekcool, and no I wont jump into any hasty decisions

oldwomaninashoe Wed 08-Feb-12 14:11:10
Before the "revelation" how was your relationship? What prompted her to "tell all"?
Could you eventually, in time forgive her if there is no further contact, ever, with either guy?
Was this betrayal during your gambling phase?

Hi there oldwomaninashoe,
She was prompted to tell all in that she found out last week that basically all my other friends knew. She thought only herself and my friend knew, but it all came crashing down. They wouldnt have said anything so I guess she could have kept it secret for longer, but she didnt.
Before the revelation, our relationship was good, no doubt. we get on better than I have with anybody I have ever met, we make each other laugh and love each other very much. There has always been something unsaid between us though, and I hope that it is just this. There will be no further contact, nor to my knowledge has there been. It was during my gambling phase yes, that this all happened. The thing with that is I came clean about the gambling about 2 years ago and I havent gambled since, i was a broken man, a rock bottom riser so to speak. She could have said then and cleared both our souls but she didnt. She knew that my mind wouldnt rest about thier "friendship", and I begged her for the truth so many times but she denied it with such conviction. As hard as it is I can excuse and forgive the affairs - a word I hate, it lessens the act, but I cant forgive the fact that she would have taken this to the grave and with it my questions mind and confused heart. She didnt tell me for the obvious reasons, not wanting me to leave, or be heartbroken. She says she pushed it so far to the back of her mind that she had actually herself forgotton, and no longer dwelled on it...

[crazyhead]

What a complicated situation, which sounds very difficult and upsetting for you - it sounds as though (as other posters have said) you and your gf started out on your love lives and family very early and with a lot on your plates, so it isn't surprising that there have been some issues.

I personally believe that people cheat for a number of reasons, certainly not all because they are fundamentally unreliable. And of course it can be tempting for the cheater not to tell their partner to avoid hurting them. It's impossible to know from the outside, but nothing in your post made me think that your gf is obviously a bad person - maybe she just messed up during a tough time. But only you can work out whether this means there is something in her character you didn't know about and can't now live with, and whether you can get over what's happened.

What you absolutely do deserve is some time to process everything. You could go to Relate on your own or as a couple (I've found this very helpful in the past) go away on your own for a few days to clear your head - whatever it takes. Obviously there's a lot at stake and you deserve the time and space to really think things through properly.

Take care, and remember it is very early days and this will take time to deal with.

[EirikurNoromaour]

I understand the feelings of heartbreak and betrayal. I have experienced both sides with my DH :( and I did it first which I guess made it easier for me to forgive him. For me, it was very much acting out against huge feelings of let down with DH, he had really left me in the shit with a small child (familiar?) and I was extremely disappointed and angry with him. This ended up with me stonewalling then cheating. Terrible way to deal with it but there it is. He found out and forgave me eventually (not completely because he used it in his permission giving process for his cheating)

Anyway, point is, people can fuck up, even when they live each other. Try not to judge too harshly for not telling you, shitty as it is, owning up to cheating is a hideous prospect. I can understand how she put it off and put it off... If she is remorseful then you can salvage it. How long it takes to feel normal is anyone's guess and you have double betrayal to deal with :( but it is possible, if you want to.

[GeekCool]

OP do you think she denied it for so long because when you were on the up she didn't want to rock the boat and potentially wreck your momentum in dealing with your addiction?

Please do not think I am excusing the lies or minimising your hurt. I do know that sometimes people don't come clean because coming clean is about relieving THEIR guilt rather than thinking of the hurt they cause the other partner. Essentially I am asking if she maybe did think of the potential damage to you in your vulnerable state and kept quiet on that basis.

I'm sorry if this badly worded, and I stand by taking your time and really thinking this through.

[jlemmon]

So I found out the full extent of it all yesterday. I guess its all the same really. Cheating is cheating, but the details really really hurt. I found out that before the weekend of sex that she had with my friend, which she says was there only the only time barr a few kisses, she had also given him a blowjob in a car. This killed me but I guess its all the same really, but then shfinally broke down and said there was one more thing. It took her ages to say and she was really really cut up by it. She told me she kissed him in the car whilst my son was there. He was 2 years old at the time. I feel so fucking angry. All this shit had nothing to do with him. I forgave her last night, and Im trying so hard to section it all off as a terrible year of confusion and I can come to terms with it, but in the morning it all comes flooding back and im filled with utter dread and disgust. Its all such a sad mess, it really is.

[GeekCool]

OP you've only just found out about this. It's raw and angry. You need some space to deal with this and think through what you want. Don't dismiss each incident as one and the same. You don't HAVE to forgive and forget. You don't HAVE to slip back in to a normal routine.
What you should do is take time and try to understand your true feelings about this. Be honest with her. You need to work out what you want, what it will take to save your relationship (if that is what YOU want). Ask for space if you need it.

[EirikurNoromaour]

Ugh that is hard to forgive :( if my DH had involved my son I think I would have reacted very differently to be honest.

Still it doesn't change the fact that this is all fresh and raw for you. The pain does fade. She was brave to tell you that, knowing she didn't have to and knowing how awful it was, so she must be committed to total honesty and disclosure. Good luck with it all.

[jlemmon]

I know, your right, and luckily my brother only lives around the corner and has a spare room. Its so hard with 3 kids though, there demanding at the best of times and to pluck up the energy to keep them happy is a real effort. Oh to be single and lie in bed for 2 weeks. Its all so dark and sad. She hates herself, she really does, but so do I. What is the limit of forgiveness, I mean at what act can I no longer forgive? What she has done is the 2nd most hurtful thing she could do, I think maybe my brother being the first. It seems like such a personal attack. i dont know what to do. I want to forgive her and love her like I did 10 days ago, but its so hard. i feel like even if i do forgive her and we continue, it will always be there. No matter how much we talk about it, break it down etc ect. The hurt will always be there and that will be mine alone for the rest of my life. I dont want to drag my kids though years of quiet resentment and hatred. Its hard either way, but maybe we would both be happier apart. She has destroyed me and maybe someone else can help me through it, and the same for her. I just dont know. She keeps saying the same line and I think it will be imprinted on my soul for eternity, she keeps saying "If I knew then, what I know now". I want her to pay for what she has done, and maybe this is enough, her realisation of the wrongs she commited, maybe her guilt is punishment enough, but what do i get out of all this. im the one who has to leave my house, im the one who the kids see in a state, and I try and hide it, but i get so angry and resentful when the kids are there, and find forgiveness and wisdom with her when they are asleep which is the absolute oppossite to what I should be doing. They have already been dragged though this, I dont want it to spill on to them anymore. Its so fucking ugly, all of it. Sad and ugly. i wish I could have a labotomy, and just remove these dark thoughts, the thoughts of them together, of the betrayal, but I cant. I know I will get through this in some way or another, I know it will get easier. My heart will have to survive and my brain will make it easier on me in some way, but I am changed for life, no doubt. I feel like this was the last week of my childhood, here comes the shit, I just have to put my coat on and get used to it. There is no romance, there is no reason, there are no morals only chaos and sadness.

[jlemmon]

Ugh that is hard to forgive if my DH had involved my son I think I would have reacted very differently to be honest.

Still it doesn't change the fact that this is all fresh and raw for you. The pain does fade. She was brave to tell you that, knowing she didn't have to and knowing how awful it was, so she must be committed to total honesty and disclosure. Good luck with it all.


I know, she didnt have to say it, it true, and for that I am so glad. To have these things on your soul does no good. Absolute confession is so necassery, that is something I have learnt. Even it can be forgivven or given reason or resolved. Just saying it or writing it down is so important

[Abitwobblynow]

Take one day at a time. That is all you can do. You WILL get through this, but IIFW I would not try and push down the feelings, but go through them.

It really hurts. I am 3 years post discovery, and only just starting to come to terms with it. You both used wrong and bad comforting techniques, that will help I think, if you see things from eachother's point of view.

How do you eat an elephant? - one bite at a time. That is how you get through this. Reconciliation is NOT FOR SISSIES!

[destinyorfate]

I have no experience of cheating/being cheated on and no wise advice (you will get so much of that here anyway :))

I just want to say that you have said that you love your wife very much and I suspect that the reason she has not told you all this before is because she loves you and really did not want to hurt you, of course there is much more to it, but the fact that you are still together and life has been good makes me feel very hopeful for you both.

These lovely ladies on MN will give you very good advice and support and I truly wish you and your wife lots of luck. I hope you make it!!!!

[jlemmon]

Reconciliation is NOT FOR SISSIES!

Its true, in some manly bullshit way of thinking. I feel like amy reaction should be to throw her out of my house, call her a whore hunt down the men and beat them senseless, but thats the easy way out. Forgiveness is so much harder.

[thirdfromleft]

Hi jlemmon

I think you need to think about if you want to stay in this relationship. This was not a one-off thing, she was unfaithful over a long period of time and then consistently lying to you. From what you've said, the only reason she came clean was that the secret was out and you were bound to find out.

It sounds like you are thinking that you have both made mistakes. Be clear to yourself that though you had a gambling problem, this does not in any way
excuse what she did.

Apart from saying she's sorry, what is she willing to do to show her remorse? You might want to think about what you want from her if you do stay together, such as
not making contact with your former friend.

Take care and good luck pulling through this.

[izzyizin]

'Forgiveness' has no limits other than those that we individually impose upon it.

I've got a sign on my desk that says 'I've learned so much from my mistakes I think I'll make another...'

You've learned a lot from your mistakes and your gf has undoubtedly learned a lot from hers.

I suggest that you both work on forgiving yourselves and on forgiving each other for being fallible because these are unlikely to be only mistakes you make as you go through life.

What's done is done; it took place in the past and there's no reason why you should allow it to mar the present or affect the future, regardless of whether you 'reconcile' or go your separate ways.

Don't waste time mourning the loss of the age of innocence; put your adult coat on and welcome the age of reason.

Btw, a 'manly bullshit way of thinking' belongs in the stone age and has no place in the new age.

[jlemmon]

I agree. Things are changing, and this was a thought in my head well before all this. The female revolution happened years ago, and is moving forward all the time, but the male revolution is only just beginning. All these archaic things that are forcefed on boys and men from such a young age, what it is to be a man. I know that I dont own her love and soul and body, that i have to work to keep it. To think that our love could never faulter is childish, I know that. I have to seperate who she was then, to who she is now. It was a section of our life that was really really shit clearly, i didnt know how shit though. I want to be a good person and sometimes I can see the strains of sadness passed down through the generations, because my gf comes from a family of emotional strife. I see these strains and I want to stamp them out, to not let them touch my children, i see that as my main goal in life now, but its so hard. you can see why forgiveness is the cornerstone of most religions. It is the most spiritually, physically and intellectually demanding thing I have ever had to do. As strange as it sounds though, at times I feel a cathartic wind blow over me. A feeling of utter truth with all its ugliness. A truth above morals. i wish I could ride that feeling forever but its not a thought I can hold on to whilst making 3 bowls of porridge whilst ironing a jumper and singing a song. I believe only in goodness. i dont believe there is evil, only confusion. I just have to keep reminding myself of this.

[Arseface]

It is not your fault she cheated.

I notice that you do not blame her for your gambling problems.
You are not responsible for her behaviour, any more than she was responsible for yours.

Shagging your best mate is not the way to tackle issues you are having in your relationship, no matter how resentful she is about your behaviour.

You are young, still training for emotionally demanding careers and have three small kids - there will be other difficult times in your lives, no matter how much you love her.

Is she willing to properly explore (with a trained professional) why she felt the need to cheat on you twice, once with your best friend, and lie to you about this until it became clear you were going to find out anyway?

It sounds as though she will cheat on you again when the going gets tough - unless she is committed to overcoming her probs. I think you need to be very clear that this is not going to happen to you and the children again.

You've given us a very lucid picture of just how hard things were during your tough year and people do make mistakes under pressure. I hope this is the case with your GF.

The best way to get any clarity on this is to spend time away from your GF. Seeing her will just bring up all the hurtful confusing feelings and you really don't need any more shagging details in your head!

Is there any way you can see the kids without her? Perhaps taking them to your brother's house?


As well as giving you the space you need to work this out, cutting out relationship time with her and only focusing on your roles as joint parents allows you to feel a bit of solid ground beneath your feet after everything has been pulled out from beneath you.
If you genuinely focus on doing the right thing by your kids (not using them as weapons), you won't go far wrong.

It also won't hurt for her to miss you a bit.

Hope this doesn't sound unsympathetic. I'm so sorry you are going through this but you really need to protect your relationship with your children and your own sanity right now.

[oldwomaninashoe]

It was a "shit" time in your lives you with the gambling addiction and her with her infidelity. It was a long time ago so much so she had pushed it to the back of her mind.
Try and accurately recall what your lives were like then? She probably turned to the nearest person who offered her attention and affection, somthing I've no doubt you weren't doing. However your behaviour does not excuse her behaviour, but time has moved on you have both (hopefully) matured, and for the sake of your DC's and because of her remorse I think you should make every effort to try and work through this.
Individual and/or joint counselling would be the way to go.
My DH did something that was to me "unforgivable" when I was pregnant with my youngest, things were difficult at the time, but I couldn't leave and he was full of remorse, when he realised how hurt I was and the possible impact of his actions.
Although I have forgiven him I have never forgotten, nor ever will but I have been able over time to reconcile myself to the fact that was a "blip" in an otherwise happy, long sucessfull marriage.
The behaviour has never been repeated and it was I am assured a moment of madness as he felt he was being neglected and needed attention.

If you want to get past this you will, if you think your relationship is worth saving , but you will both have to work at it.