Can someone please give me some perspective on this relationship (not mine).

[TheFeministsWife]

This is very long, sorry.

SD's relationship. She has a history, something terrible happened 3 and half years ago, and she has had an abuse of alcohol ever since. She's been with her boyfriend for almost 18 months now. Since she's been with him she has calmed down immensely, with both the drinking and going out. Obviously a good thing.

My concerns are in the past year (maybe a bit less) is how volatile their relationship is, (considering they've only been together 18 months). Now SD has her past trauma which I know causes a lot of anger and sometimes aggressiveness in her, and her boyfriend his dad committed suicide around 2 years ago (I think), she he obviously has also been through the mill.


They have loads of arguments, sometimes I think it's probably SD and sometimes it's her boyfriend. But in the past 6 months or so I've started to become concerned. SD usually comes to me for advice or sometimes just to vent. It's small things, like she says he doesn't get on with his mum (he still lives at home - is an only child). He argues with a lot, blames his mum for his dad's death, says he wishes it was her (his mum) who had died and not his dad. (His parents were divorced). His attitude towards her, is somewhat well like he thinks she's beneath him. This is starting to spill over in his relationship with SD. IMO anyway. It's almost like misogyny. If his (male) friends are around he'll have no problem treating SD like shit. He has used a prostitute before when he went to Amsterdam. This was before he was with SD, but IMO says a lot about the type of man he is if they use a prostitute.

Lots of little things over the past few months (far too many to remember) have started to ring alarm bells. Like when SD was getting ready for New Year's Eve (they were going out together) and she wanted my opinion on what to wear. She has bought herself this chainmail dress from Topshop for £100. It was short and was to be worn over a bodycon dress. I thought she should wear that as looked gorgeous in it. But she said, "Oh no, boyf will go mad if I wear that, it's too revealing." I was a bit as she's not the type of person to let someone order her around. Also told her that if a boyfriend told me what to wear I'd be telling him where to go! She said, "Well yeah but he'll go on and on about it." In the end she wore something else that he liked, she still looked nice, but it wasn't her first choice.

He goes mad if sees a photo of her on FB and there's another bloke in it. Not the type of photo were she sprawled all over someone, if another bloke happens to be in the photo. Which is a bit of a problem as she's got loads of friends some of who happen to be male (and most of them gay, but that's by the by). Also before she got together with him they were friends and hung out in the same group. One time they were all in the pub and one of the lads was giving another girl a lot of shit, SD called him on it, (she may have been a bit loud and drunk about it) and this lad poured a pint of lager over her head! She went for this lad and was restrained, then this lad went for her, he was also restrained. Anyway, after SD got with boyfriend he continued to socialise with this lad (was one of his friends) and expected SD to socialise with him too.

He gets in a mood if she arranges a night out with her friends. So much so that she'll end up not going out because he moans that much. (Which is a good thing she doesn't go out and get drunk as much anymore but also he's using emotional blackmail to control her). Most recently she went on a night out with friends, which he knew about. She ended up having a big row with her friends and was then stranded in town with no money and no way to get home. She phoned her boyfriend in tears (was upset about the row) and asked him to pay for a taxi to his house (were she frequently stays). He refused and hung up on her. She ended up ringing my mobile at 5am (thankfully I keep it by the bed) and DH went and got her. I told her that leaving his girlfriend stranded in the middle of the night with no money was not the actions of a good boyfriend. She agreed, but said they'd sorted it.

Most recently she has hinted that things have gotten physical on more than one occasion. Not to the point were there's any hitting she says but a little pushing and shoving of each other. That's not right is it?

Now I'm worried because 2 years ago DH and I ended up having " a domestic" (a physical one). And SD was the one who got him off me (police had to be called). And I'm still with DH. Just to clarify, that this was the one and only time in 17 years he'd ever been physical with me. We were arguing, he'd been drinking, as had I. I threw my drink in his face, the glass connected with his eye (unintentionally), and he thought I'd tried to glass him. (He wasn't hurt). We got into a fight (although he didn't hit me, had his hands around my neck and pushed me - hard). We went to counselling, sorted out a lot of issues, and I know he wouldn't do it again. He knows if he did it would be the end. Anyway I'm worried that she's seen what's gone on between us and now thinks that sort of thing is ok. Which it isn't of course, especially when the relationship is only 18 months old.

A month or so ago, they were upstairs in her room (he was staying). And we heard them arguing, and then lots of banging. I texted her asking was all ok, was ready to run up there, she text back and said yes, and then that she'd dropped her hairdryer. Sounded a lot louder than a hairdryer dropping, not least because she was on the top floor (3 storey house) and we were on the bottom.

A week ago she deactivated her FB account. NOt a big deal in itself, but for a 19 year old who lives on FB it is. I said to DH at the time that I thought it was something to do with boyfriend.

This past week her nan has gone on holiday and has let SD stay in her house with boyfriend to housesit. SD was in work today, earlier on she texted me asking me to go into her FB account (which she reactivated 2 days ago) and change the password and the password on her email. And could I do it ASAP please. Reason - boyfriend was going through her FB account "causing trouble". Turns there is a group photo of her when she was in Ibiza last year (she went with her friends) and she happens to be standing between 2 lads. He's gone mad over this apparently. Saying she's not the perfect girl he thought she was. And also him saying he wasn't going to let her in the house tonight. (Her nan's house, she has a spare key). That last comment has me worried. She said a couple of her friends were coming round tonight for food and a bottle of wine., and she was didn't want him kicking off in front them. She also said she was making sure she had deleted our text conversation on her phone from tonight as she didn't want him moaning about her talking about their problems with other people.

This is not a healthy relationship is it? Especially not for someone so young, and so early on. Am I overreacting? I spoke to DH about it all tonight. Said I was concerned not only for SD if he gets physical, but also my dds' bedroom is opposite SD's bedroom and he quite often stays the night. (Ours is on the floor below). What if he gets really angry, what is he capable of? There are quite a few times DH is in work when he's here. (Although he's very skinny so I'm sure between us me and SD could take him), bloomin hell what am I saying!

Now after our conversation DH has said he's going to speak to SD and tell her he wants her to finish with boyfriend. (She's 19, how does he think he can make her do it? ) But also that he's not welcome here anymore, and if he turns up, DH will tell him so. BUt I'm afraid this is going to alienate SD. I have gently raised my concerns with her in the past and she's brushed them off and made excuses, so I've backed off because I still want her to come and talk to me, at least I know what's going on then. But the way DH is approaching it I know it'll end in an argument and she'll close herself off. (But I'm also relieved for my dds as I'm concerned when he is here in case he does blow up).

So a little perspective and an outsider's view would be good please.

[LesserOfTwoWeevils]

You're absolutely right to be concerned about her. This sounds very frightening, and no, you're not overreacting at all. But it's not just the possibility of physical violence that's worrying. Emotional abuse can be just as devastating.
Rather than tell her he wants her to finish with BF, can her father not just have a talk with her about abusive relationships and why he's worried? That might be less likely to drive her away.
Can you talk to her? You sound very sympathetic and understanding.
What do her friends think of him (assuming he still allows her to have any)? Can you get them onside to talk to her?
Would she read about abusive relationships if you sent her useful links or bought her the Lundy Bancroft book?
After the incident three years ago, did she have any counselling? Can she persuaded to go for counselling now?

[WillCrossThatBridge]

I agree, doesn't sound healthy at all, she's having to modify her behaviour because of him so his moaning is controlling her. Doesn't sound goo.

[solidgoldbrass]

What a grim situation. Unfortunately, as with addicts and alcoholics, no one can make a woman kick an abuser out of her life unless and until she decides to do so.
I wonder could your H talk to the boyfriend? Given that your H has been abusive to you in the past and now sorted himself out, and that the boyfriend is very young and from an abusive background of his own ie the boyfriend might be one of the ones who is young enough to learn better behaviours?

[TheFeministsWife]

Thank you for the replies.

I'm not sure if DH would talk to the boyfriend, as he's probably get too angry, (as he says, this is his PFB this is happening to). I like the idea of DH talking to DSD about abusive relationships though, that might work.

The thing that happened to her 3 years ago - she was raped, she was still underage, in school and a virgin. She did have counselling in school, and this is the ironic bit, her school counsellor is the boyfriend's mum. Small world. She has refused any more help since then, now she says she doesn't need it. I'm sure she would benefit from it though. Her low self esteem is what I think is stopping her from breaking free of the controlling behaviour.

In the beginning of their relationship he really did come across as a stand up type of guy IYSWIM. Although I know that can be deceiving. I think from what she has said he wasn't like that before his dad died. So I can see that they've both got issues from recent events and are both still quite young, (her 19, him 21). I wonder if they actually might benefit from Relate? Although I'm sure that suggestion won't go down well.

[solidgoldbrass]

Not Relate. Couple-counselling is useless in abuse situations -and it's not really aimed at sorting out people who are suffering because of bereavement or trauma, either. It sounds like they could both do with individual counselling as they are both fairly messed up.
Actually, if your H has really learned from his own abusive behaviour and overcome it, it might do some good for him to talk to her, given that she witnessed his abuse of you. But it's worth bearing in mind that it might be at least partly because she witnessed his abuse of you that she is inclined to stay with a man who is abusive towards her. (This is not meant in any way to suggest that you are to blame for her situation, you are not to blame at all.)