DC's and their Dad's drinking.

[MittzyBittzyTeenyWeeny]

DD(8) had a bad moment over Christmas.
Her Nana bought Ex a bottle of Whiskey and a bottle of wine for a present. She is quite 'in your face, he's got a right to drink' and doesn't believe what happened and that SS banned him from the house for no good reason, except that I was being vindictive and malicious. He had a couple of glasses of wine in front of the DC's which upset them both but later on DD was beside herself.

She kept saying 'What kind of man promises to his own children that he will stop drinking and then just... just keeps on drinking'. She said she didn't want to see him at one point but is hurt and confused.

She also said the same but in terms of what kind of man does that to his own wife? And that she thought he was hideous for doing it.

He phoned pissed last night, DD was .

She was so much younger that DS and it has been hard to gauge how it affected her, but .

However hard I try for them he has left them a legacy of alcohol issues which he doesn't have to deal with and refuses to take responsibility for. He thinks it is his place to help them see that drinking can be a positive thing.

She cried and I hated him for being such a selfish twat. That it means so much to him to exert his right to continue doing something that destroyed his family. And yet I am blamed for 'keeping the family unit apart'. He tells them how much he wants to come home which makes me look like I am keeping him away.

I wanted to crack the bottle of fucking whiskey over his head. I have to tackle this in the New Year for them but it will make things ugly.

I don't know how to help them with how they feel about people drinking in general. They are both intimidated by lairy drunks and are scared at the thought of me drinking (which I don't at all)
But it is so so unfair.

His drinking is his own business now but is a part of my life because of how it affects the DC's, He has started drinking a little around them and it is crap.

Sorry. I need to rant and offload. I don't know what to do. I can't handle it when he gets controlling and keeping things amiable generally makes life easier. But . I think I might have to approach a mediator about it because I have finally made real progress with my depression and counselling.

I hate him drinking because of how it affects them. I hope it is worth it to him.
If that is harsh if he has a problem then I am sorry. He is not a stupid man and functions within the bounds of what he drinks but refuses to stop or get help, if he can't.

Even now, it feels like shit. I feel like shit.

[TheBigZing]

Have you thought about joining an Al-anon support group? I realise you are not together any more, but he is (unfortunately) still very much involved in your life and the dc's lives. When I went to a meeting (my dh is an alcoholic so truly feel for you) there was a regular member whose alcoholic dh had been dead for 12 years. She still needed support to cope with his alcoholism.

for you and your dc.

[AnyFucker]

you are not shit, you sound like a wonderful mother

your story is a sad indictment of how an alcoholic (your ex) ruins so many lives, not just their own

the selfishness of someone in the grip of an addiction is breathtaking

and the denial forcefield they set up around themselves (eg. his enabling mother) is quite a feat

all kudos to you for refusing to buy ino i...and your dc are not so stupid either

if he put that much effort into addressing his issues, you would be living ever happily ever after now

unfortunately, you will have many more difficult scenarios to talk through with your dc, but it sounds you are doing all you can in a shit situation

x

[AnyFucker]

into it
sorry my t key is fecked

[TheBigZing]

There is a branch of al-anon for kids too. I think it's called al-a-teen or something like that. Your 8 year old may be a bit too young, I'm not sure. But it does sound as if she is going through the classic disbelief / betrayal emotions that all close relatives of alcoholics go through. She might really benefit.

[MittzyBittzyTeenyWeeny]

That sounds good re the al-anon for teens.

DS has just come to me for reassurance that I don't drink because he said 'if you do I won't have anyone I can trust'. I could weep.

Ex is controlling and manipulative also if things aren't going his way, he says we are the ones with the problems over his drinking as he doesn't get aggressively drunk any more. But when he realised that DS was upset that he was drinking wine yesterday, he was annoyed and had another glass .

If it comes up he compares himself to people we know who have.. very obvious issues with it. And that he is not on that level.

He has an addictive nature I think, I suppose balanced a little by the ability to step back from the levels of destruction I have seen some Addicts being taken to, but he has a history of mind altering habits.

He acknowledges he is depressed and has taken up smoking again after 3 yrs of stopping to try and self medicate. DS is upset about this too and sometimes I just don't know what to say.

I love my DC's and will move heaven and earth to help them move forward but sometimes, I get angry that I have to. That he has a drink and I get the emotional fall out. Does that make sense or do I need to shake myself up a bit?

DD won't sleep alone at the moment because she is insecure and I think her little ghosts are bothering her, but I am so tired because she is a very restless sleeper and kicks badly. So again, he has his drink, and I am the one that is exhausted.

TheBigZing, I hope things are well for you. I think I am still quite hurt. I think badly of myself because I think I should have been able to forgive him and help him.
I have a headache.

[TheBigZing]

'I am still quite hurt' - this is because he chose drink over your marriage. Over you. And over your children. This was always going to happen. It's not personal. You could be the perfect wife and your children adoring angels - he would still choose to drink. He will never be able to stop for you or his children. He will only stop if it's for himself. That's the nature of the beast.

'I think badly of myself because I think I should have been able to forgive him and help him.' - Forgive him, you may be able to do some day. That's not the same as allowing him back into the relationship. Forgiveness would mean you letting go of all that hurt and anger and accepting what happened / what he did. It doesn't mean you pretend it never happened and start again. Don't look back.

'and help him' - You are not responsible for him. You did not cause his drinking. You cannot cure him. There is nothing whatsoever that you could have done, or can do, that would 'help' him. The only thing a relative of an addict can do is to detach and stop enabling the addict. In your case, this would include you not protecting the children from the truth as this would enable him to continue drinking without consequences. But it sounds like your dc know exactly what he is doing so, while it's painful for them and for you, it's right that he sees the pain he is causing.

I'm ok I think - thanks for asking. A lot of what you said resonates with me. My dh also controls his addiction and cites examples of more obvious alcoholism to deflect from the seriousness of his own habit. He also has a history of substance abuse in general - but never to ridiculous excess. For me, the last year has been good - better than any year for the last decade at least. He has made efforts to significantly decrease his drinking. But Christmas has been horrible. My dh is truly a lovely man sober. But drunk, he turns into an arrogant, rude, critical, loud mouthed, idiotic bore. And when that is the person you spend every evening with, you do begin to wonder if it's worth hanging on. We will see what the new year brings.

Please stop taking responsibilty for the pain your ex is causing. I really do think you should consider al-anon for yourself, as well as for your children.

[quiddity]

Can't help much but wanted to comment on

"He tells them how much he wants to come home which makes me look like I am keeping him away."

One daynot far off by the sound of it, sounds like they already understand quite a bitthey will know that you were doing it for them and that it was the right thing to do and they will be grateful.
And even better than that, they will be stronger and healthier and happier as a result of what you are going through now.
Please find some support for yourself and for them in RL if you can, you deserve it.
x

[MittzyBittzyTeenyWeeny]

Thank you.., your words help Zing. But I am sorry you go through the same. It is exhausting.

And you are right Quiddity , I have some support and am still having counselling, but some days, it just hurts.

I am a long way from being in the position to be able to move but that is my plan somewhere down the line. I can't clear the house of memories however much I clean or rearrange furniture or replace things.