Ex-ILs Question - Should I do anything or nothing?

[AutumnLady]

Hi

Ex-H and I have been divorced for 15 months as he had an affair when I was 7 months pg with DS. I did give him plenty of chances to see if we could ge through this - offered to go to Relate etc but he wasn't interested and I filed for divorce when DS was 2 months old. DS and I are happy in our new home near my parents who he also adores. My question is to do with the other grandparents and any access.

ExH's parents are divorced and his dad remarried about 12 years ago. His mother never remarried. They both live a fair way away with his mother being the furthest at 3.5 hours away. The last time xmil saw DS was in August last year. She sent him a birthday card and small gift and the same for Christmas but has not seen him since that time. She has been ill with anxiety and I got a rambling letter in January which was more about her wishes and not really about DS but asked that she was not excluded from his life. I have never wanted her excluded from his life and have never made any attempt to do so, but did write back and say that I needed some space at that time due to dickhed exh having our flat repossessed and all the issues we were having with him paying child support. I did stress that this was only temporary and that she woud be welcome to see DS in a couple of months time if she wanted to. Since then I have heard nothing at all.

Do I send her an email/letter asking if she would like to see DS or do I just leave it up to her? I don't particularly care if I never see her again but it's not about me, it's about DS and I want him to know his other grandparents.

Ex-fil is a whole different story and hasn't seen DS since January when he came with dickhead exh to see DS. A few things were said (by him) which were to do with exh's access. He was not party to some information relating to divorce/access and his son's behaviour which led him to make wrong conclusions. I filled him in on these details and have heard no word from him since. Again, do I just leave it or email/write a letter?

Sorry for such a long post but it's on my mind due to DS's birthday coming up in November and just feel :( that his other grandparents aren't around to see him grow.

autumnlady i think it is nice that she contacted you and you responded I think well.

I understand your "wouldnt bother me if I didnt see her again" because I'm still married with a MIL that is nice but has very diff personality to me, doesnt see the kids for couple/few weeks at a time even though lives 5 mins away but when she does is over the top and almost suffocating and I feel the same .

Anyway back to point RE exMIL maybe send her a very brief letter saying things have settled down so she can visit if she wants (or could you meet half way?). Maybe (for this and occassional future letters) put brief message about DS and maybe send a pic he has done? But I would only send a letter about meeting the once and if no response then leave it. At least you will be able to say to DS when he's older, if bothered, that YOU tried.

I would leave exFIL out of it just because since she found out all the info he hasnt been in touch. Also but he has his own other family and life going on and with DS only being 2m when you divorced he didnt probably get a bond going and he hasnt attempted to.

Well, to be fair, you asked her for some space and she gave it to you.
She may have written in the vein of her wishes rather than DS's because she doesn't feel it's her place to tell you what's best for him.
MILs/xMILs just can't win can they?

As for xFIL, I think it would depend on exactly how the conclusions he jumped to were put to you.

I'd write to your ex-MIL giving her an update on your son, maybe enclosing a couple of photos, asking after her and mentioning that you are feeling a lot stronger about your own situation - it leaves the door open for further communication but doesn't commit you to anything. Wait to see how she responds and how her response (if any) makes you feel about the future.

Regarding your ex-FIL, I think it's perfectly normal (although irritating) that ex-partners tell their own family a pack of lies their own version of events. Your FIL acted foolishly to believe him without asking you first but probably fairly on the basis of the information he had iyswim - maybe send a Christmas card and a photo later in the year?

It's very loving of you to be concerned about your ds knowing their other grandparents. But why is all of this being left to you and not your exh? Does he know you are considering organising access, and, more importantly, why hasn't he done it? Laziness? Or does he actively not want his parents to see his ds?

Thanks for the replies so far! Really appreciate having some opinions of people who aren't caught up in this - you can imagine what my mum thinks of it all

mumi - it's a fair point. I did ask for space but am just surprised I suppose that she has made no more effort. As for xFIL - he basically told me hat if I stopped exh seeing DS then he would help him to take me to Court! I have never said that he couldn't see him, I had just arranged for access to be supervised by my parents as I couldn't be in the same place as him at the time. Time has passed and although I still despise him for what he has done, I can at least be civil to him. When I told exFIL that his son had not asked for any access at all during the Court case, he was gobsmacked as that piece of information had not been passed over

lalalonglegs - thanks, that is a good idea and commits me to nothing. She can be a bit full on and demanding and the last thing I want is for her to think she can come and stay with me for 4 days, so the more neutral I am the better! She has prior history at that kind of thing

quiddity - thank you for the kind comment. I suppose a lot of it stems from only having one set of GPs myself as my mum's parents died when I was 6 months old (Nan) and nearly 5 (grandad). My other GPs lived miles away and weren't massivly bothered which was soooo different to those friends whose GPs lived in the next road. I have mentioned this to my ex but he makes no comment and I don't think he speaks much to his Dad anyway (wonder why....!) I don't think he doesn't want them to see DS iyswim, just can't be bothered to do anything about it.

mama2monkeys - thank you also for your words of common sense! I think I will do that, a brief letter with photo and then leave it to her. ExFIL doesn't have any other children, but his wife is from a large family with nieces and nephews so you are probably right - he has more to do with them. He's only met DS 4 time in 22 months Mind you, exh has only seen DS 5 times this year for a total of 9 hours

I think lalalonglegs is talking alot of sense on both scores.

Sorry exh is still such an ass if you can keep the lines of communication open esp with xMIL then it will be up to DS who i'm sure will air his views one way or another when he is a little bit older..

Hope you manage to get something sorted that works for all three of you

I would definitely do the brief letter/picture thing. Even if your ex-MIL isn't a saint, she might have had an attack of sensitivity about the bad behaviour of her son and want to leave you in peave till your ready.

Why does your exhusband need supervised access with your parents? Why can't he see the kids alone or take them to his parents?

Thanks for more replies.
Ladybuzz - I think you're right about DS voicing his opinion in time . Thanks for replying and for adding to lalalonglegs sensible point.

hopefully - you may be right, an attack of sensitivity may be the case. I did actually have a decent relationship with her for 10 years (shock, horror!) So you could have a point.

2rebecca - exh has spent no time with DS on his own since he was born, has never changed a nappy, had to deal with food/naps etc. He also doesn't have anywhere to live here as he went to live in Europe with OW but still works in UK and stays with a friend or in hotel depending on what office he is in that week. His mother lives about 200 miles away so can't take him there and he only speaks sporadically to his father who also lives about 70 miles away. He has made no effort to increase the amount of time he spends with DS and it was his request to see him one saturday a month - I am therefore reluctant to just let him take him alone as DS doesn't know who he is.