I need advice please regarding DS and ex, contact

[TheLifeOfRiley]

I left ex who was emotionally abusive and controlling in Nov 09, we have one DS age 5 who is autistic.

In the last week he has tried to get me to change weekend overnight to a Friday for his benefit (but pretended it was for DS?s), tried to drop DS off early wed night (he only goes now for two and a half hours over tea time, used to be an overnight), forgot what day DS was due back to school and asked about it a day late (the day his girlfriend's kids and friend's kids went back to school. I had told him on the Sunday what day DS went back and his older boys also went back to school on this day), and gave him meds on Wednesday that he didn't need to as he had already had them, all that in four days! It's like he's on a roll and just trying to annoy me.

Then yesterday morning I text him at about 10a.m. and say I will drop DS off about noon at his straight off the bus home from town. Get to his at 11:57 and he immediately makes a disappointed noise and face at DS's short haircut (followed by a halfhearted compliment after my evil disapproving stare), then as DS gets to the living room door and I am at the front door he says "I have guests". Guests are new gf and her kids! He says oh they were about to leave.

I call DS back outside (but he has already seen them all) and say we will pop to shop and then come back. DS wants to know "why are there girls in daddy's house but I didn't see uncle D or big brother?". Meanwhile I am fuming because we agreed we wouldn't introduce DS to new people (relationship people) unless we were certain it was gonna be serious and we would discuss it first, and I am also thinking why should I wander round the streets with DS while he sees them off home!

So I take him home with me. He doesn't want to go back, I can't bear to be in same room as ex, etc so DS isn't going this weekend - I text ex and told him I will speak to him properly when I've calmed down.

His response - he thinks I am being unfair and doesn't know what my 'issues' are and that I'm just making things difficult.
Am I being unfair? If you were me would you be mad? DS has been saying for quite some time that he doesn't like daddy and doesn't want to go, and actually refused to stay there overnight a few weeks ago (but was happy to stay with another relative - so it wasn't a clingy thing). He is now saying to me please don't make me go to daddy's again, and my mum and best friend think I should listen to him and stop contact.

I don't know what to do!

He's still being emotionally abusive and controlling I'm sorry to point out. If your child doesn't want to see his father then I wouldn't press the issue but try to come with a mutally agreeable arrangement.

The happiness and well being of your child is of the utmost importance in all of this and your ex should contribute to his emotional and physical needs as well.

Does your ds step brother ever visit your house? Perhaps you should, in discussion and hopefully an agreement with your ex, have ds to visit his dad when his step brother is there. It would be an awful shame if he was to loose touch with his family but I understand that his needs come first.

I would suggest a cooling off period followed by open negotiations possibly via a family counsellor.

Thanks for reply celticfairy - yes he is definately still trying to be emotionally abusive and controlling. He does it in various ways and still manages to mess with my head.

The changing the overnight thing was done in typical manner that it would have been when we were together. Him repeating a line/lie over and over more persistantly and moving closer to me across the room each time he said it.

His eldest brother and him are very close, and he does come to mine sometimes to babysit. I think I will encourage him to pp round or meet up with us or something as I do feel they have a great bond and DS loves his big brother to bits. He has only really continued going to his dad's as I remind him he also gets to spend time with his favourtie uncle and biggest brother.

He just has my head spinning like he used to and I'm doubting myself.

Ex never read up on DS's autism, never read his reports, etc (nearly everyone of DS's other relatives have asked to read them,!) When we lived there he didn't realy bother with DS, told me once he was jealous of him, used to turn TV up over him, and said his priority was watching TV not listening to DS, etc. Urgh.

TBH I'm not surprised your son doesn't want to visit his dad. My son has high functioning autism and for a while he felt very low in self esteem. Thankfully his dad came round to the belief that his autism needed investigating and started to support me. However I think that stbexh was in denial for a very long time. His way of coping with the grieving that his son has a disability.

Now my ds dad is starting to mess with the agreed arrangements as well and his new girlfriend wants to see him at the weekends (and during the week). So he's fitting in visits here and there when he can. I've reminded him that ds loves routine and that this chopping and changing can't continue, that his girlfriend NEVER dictates the visitation arrangements and school has also had a word with him about the disruption this is causing to our ds. The school are very good in helping me. Ex will listen to them but not to me!

For now if I were you, I'd concentrate on getting son's self esteem boosted and being only with those who value him. Good luck, you're being an excellent mum in all of this. He's a lucky little boy to have you.

I think if my son didnt want to go somewhere I would take it seriously. Also, he's obiously damaging/upsetting him with the emotional abuse, which if not directed at him, he is witnessing.

I know if you went to court with regard to it I think they would take into account your DS's preference. But becuase he is so young not sure how much.

Can you prove his emotional abuse, (text, emails etc)? and the mess around with contact arangements?

I'm sorry you're going through this. I think you are being messed about by him definitely. I hate jerks like him, especially when they are hurting vulnerable children. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!

Try and keep a record of all your contact with him, the times and dates of everything he does and says and your son's reactions. You may need this if you go to court.

For what its worth your ex sounds like a completely ass, you did the right thing for you and your son. Good luck xx

When I left I did communication via email only so I had a record of it but that seems to have fallen by the wayside so I will have to enforce that so I have a record of what has been said by me and him. I just feel so tired and worn down and I guess I'm fed up of him still messing me about through DS even though we aren't together anymore.

I pathetically hoped that with DS not living with him he would make an effort during contact an really hoped they may bond a bit more. I'm so sad for DS that this hasn't happened.

If I stop contact I will be the baddy and will be badmouthed to everyone but I am genuinely torn as to whether I should continue it or stop it.

I am definetely going to start logging everything.

Ex wouldn't take me to court because he wouldn't be able to afford it. He cries poverty all the time to everyone he knows but oddly enough always has money for booze.