Are we being selfish?

[MooMooFarm]

DH and I have had not spoken to his parents for a good couple of years. We fell out (initially) over them having a pond put in their garden. At the time they would regularly babysit our children (toddlers at the time) but refused to have a cover on the pond, and accused us of not trusting them to watch our children properly. The resulting argument led to lots of horrible things being said, various old resentments and skeletons being dragged out, to the point that we decided we wanted nothing more to do with them. Always two sides to a story I know, but to summarise they showed themselves to be quite nasty and hugely bigotted people.
We have just been invited to DH's older sister's wedding at the end of the year. We have not fallen out with her and she has tried to keep out of the argument. However, the times we would usually meet up; birthdays, xmas etc, always used to be at DH's parent's house, and now that we don't see them we inevitably haven't seen the rest of his family as much either. Sadly, in trying our best not to 'drag' other family members into the fight, we seem to have been losing contact with them too.
Anyway, as much as we don't want to miss the wedding, we cannot see how we can attend. Any contact with DH's parents (who will be there) over the last two years has turned into a row, and the only way we can ensure that doesn't happen would be if we ignored them all day, which would be very difficult when we are on the same side of a family at a wedding, and would inevitably create a bad apmosphere. However we are very aware that not attending at all could also create an equally bad apmosphere! To further complicate the issue, if we were to attend, would it be better to go with or without our children? We know DH's sister wants her nephews there, but how do we explain to them that we are going to be somewhere with grandma and grandad for the day but we will not be speaking to them? Are we being completely selfish? And apologies that this post is so hideously long!

[scurryfunge]

Why can't you put all this aside and make amends with the parents before the wedding?

Seems a bit daft to prolong a dispute over a pond if your children are not even toddlers anymore.

[Peabody]

'Any contact with DH's parents (who will be there) over the last two years has turned into a row, and the only way we can ensure that doesn't happen would be if we ignored them all day'

This is very sad. That you can't have a single conversation with his parents, even at a wedding, without a row, so you have to ignore them.

I am not saying you are to blame. We don't know the story. But can you come up with some strategies to enable you to spend a day in their company without a row? Because your children need you to set an example of how to deal with conflict in a positive way.

[BarmyArmy]

I think you should try and attend - a wedding is an occasion where people should put aside their differences and put on a brave face/smile for the sake of those getting married.

[ChickensHaveNoEyebrows]

Read your post back. Is all this resentment and grudge holding really worth it? Over a pond?

[loopyloops]

You should go. You should also try and teach your children that it is possible to make amends after a fall-out.

[ElephantsAndMiasmas]

It's a good excuse to make overtures to the parents, even if just to say "look I know we have been arguing a lot, but it's dSis's wedding and I don't want her to have our problems wrecking her lovely day." and try to broker a deal WRT how to behave on the day at least. You could agree to be friendly, smile, stand next to each other for pictures etc.

I bet SIL will be sooo relieved.

[ElephantsAndMiasmas]

do your DC see the parents? if so, they won't even notice on the day.

[MooMooFarm]

I do agree with you all and that it must sound extremely petty over one little pond. What I didn't make clear (at the risk of making the post ridiculously long) is that the pond was what started the argument. The following rows lead to lots of long-buried resentments being brought up on both sides. DH has never been close to his parents, mainly because his father was a drunk and a bully when DH was a child and DH was often on the receiving end of it. However his father 'mellowed' as he got older so DH managed to have a reasonable relationship with him for many years and so did I. child. The pond issue has brought the past up again, and I suppose the crux of the argument is that DH's relationship was pretty precarious in the first place because of his childhood - so he peobably now struggles to be as able to compromise and keep the peace with his parents in the way that somebody with a 'happy' childhood probably would.

[MooMooFarm]

PS - no our children haven't seen them since the argument either. They haven't tried to see our children since and now always post Christmas / birthday presents for them. I suspect our youngest won't even remember who they are, but our eldest definitely would.

[MooMooFarm]

PPS - sorry for the typos in the message before, was trying to type too quickly!

[ElephantsAndMiasmas]

I still stand by what I said. Negotiate a truce for the wedding, you don't have to spend the day with them, just not start tearing bits off each other. I'm sure the kids know what's going on, if not - well they'll be with you anyway.

[Lazylion]

My dh & I have this sort of non-relationship with his parents. I wouldn't go to the wedding.
Can't you see your dh's sister on her own afterwards & give her a gift / your best wishes ?
As for those advocating a truce, you can only control your own behaviour and personally I know my nasty PIL could not control theirs.

[sorrento56]

You don't have to have a relationship with people who share dna, however, if you want to go to the wedding go but do not ruin it for the bride and groom. I am sure you won't but think on as my Grandma would say :)

[ProfessorLaytonIsMyLoveSlave]

But it's the SIL's wedding and for the SIL to decide whether she wants to take that risk. The OP and her DH can pledge that they will behave reasonably and SIL can have whatever discussions she sees fit with her own parents about how they will behave.

[TheUnmentioned]

Why did they regularly babysit your kids if your FIL was a drunk and a bully ?

Anyways, I dont think youre being selfish necessarily but I think you should go to the wedding and call them beforehand to negotiate. They still post your kids presents, theyre still thinking of you. Is this all really worth it? Couldnt this be the beginning of some kind of relationship even if only at family gatherings?

[MooMooFarm]

TheUnmentioned - fair point - when i say he was a drunk and a bully, that would be going back a good 25 years. He did sort himself out drink-wise and mellowed as DH got older, and treated him ok during his teenage years and ever since, until now that is. I would have been happy for him to be around our children no problem, going on 25 years or so of being on the straight and narrow. Especially as it wasn't him doing the babysitting, it was DH's mum, as it was during the day whilst I was at work (and so was he).

[cumbria81]

FWIW, I think you are being a little selfish. I think you should use the opportunity of the wedding to build bridges with your PIL. How long is this row going to be dragged out for? 10, 20 years?

At least try and make up with them. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. But it would be a huge shame not to. For everyone's sake.

[Theochris]

I'm with the others really. If you liked them well enough to look after your children during the day when you were not there it seems a shame to cut all ties. I would try to arrange a civil truce, who knows it might lead to your kids having a relationship with their grandparents. Could be good for everyone?