DS (Year 1) in trouble

[ilovemcdreamy]

Background to this is that a week ago the father of one of my DS's classmates (they are in year 1) died of cancer.

Today teacher calls me to one side at home time and tells me DS was in big trouble and will likely be very upset about it this evening. At break time he told another child (let's call him James) that James's mum and dad were dead. James was v upset and went to playground supervisor who ticked off DS and brought him in to be dealt with by class teacher who also told him off. She told me that it was very "inappropriate playing" and she was quite clearly cross about it still. I was gobsmacked. In the first place DS has never done anything like this before and secondly James is one of his best friends! I told teacher I was very surprised but would speak to DS about it this evening. I then said both my sons (they are twins) had been talking lots in the last week about the child whose dad has died and I wondered whether that was the context for this and whether it was related. She snapped at me that she was "well aware of the context, thank you" and that she expected everyone was just tired at the end of term. I was very upset. This is the second time she has spoken to me about DS behaviour - the other time was about him being pushy in class and shouting out lots. My gut feeling is that she doesn't like him very much which is understandable - she can't like everyone but I wish she did a better job of hiding it. My sister thinks I should raise it with the Deputy Head who is in charge of years 1 and 2 and just check out with her whether some more talking about the dead dad in class would help. Obviously we have been open about this at home when it has come up.

Anyway, I feel upset, partly because I find it v hard being told my DS has been so hateful and partly because I feel he is misunderstood. When I talked to him about it at home he cried for an hour, said another child had started it but that only he got caught, says that everyone hates him, that he hates the teacher and is going to hit her tomorrow and that he wishes he was Harry because Harry is never in trouble. I just wish that as well as telling him off they had sat him down and asked how he was feeling. IS that too much to ask?

Sigh. Any words of wisdom?

[meemar]

your poor DS. The situation has been overblown and handled badly by the school. Obviously the recent death of a dad is playing on his mind and being 5 or 6 he is experimenting with the horror of it - it sounds like a group of children were involved in this kind of talk.

Being told off by 2 members of staff then calling you aside to say he was in 'big trouble' is over the top.

If the teacher is unsympathetic and unwilling to listen to you I would suggest you go to the Deputy head.

[cluelessnchaos]

Sounds like the teacher has had a shitter of a week and this was the cherry on the top of the cake, can you explain to your ds that regardless of whether sonmeone else starts it he will get in trouble for naughty behaviour. I wouldnt suspect that she was picking on him if it is only the 2nd time she has spoken to you, sounds like she was jsut warning you that he might be upset after his stressful day, sorry if I dont sound very sympathetic.

[ilovemcdreamy]

No, that's OK - that's why I posted - to get different viewpoints. I don't think she's picking on him either - I just find it very hard to hear her criticisms of him and I want her to understand all his good points too. It's all part of growing up I suppose.

[ScummyMarx]

Um, unless I've completely misunderstood, it does sound a pretty awful thing to have said in the context of another child's father having died, to be absolutely blunt. I would feel dreadfully upset to hear that one of my children had said something like that, so totally sympathise on that score. I can just about imagine it being said in the context of peer group stupidity but I'm not sure why you think he's misunderstood? He's a great kid who's behaved badly today, surely? I would be livid with my child and really worried (temporarily, until I'd lectured them into shame and submission) about their empathy and understanding of other people's emotions. I'm afraid that I'd be wanting to make sure they understood about other people's feelings and why they matter, rather than being massively worried about their feelings, at least at first. I would only let up when I thought they were really really sorry and understood why what they had done was wrong and that peer pressure or fears about death deflected through being mean to someone else were not acceptable excuses. I think "wishing he was Harry" is a play on your emotions to get out of your bad books, which you should completely ignore (I have boy twins and I know this trick). I also think that you should tell him with complete conviction that the teacher likes him a lot and nobody hates him. In fact everyone knows that he is a lovely little boy who would never usually say such a horrible thing. That's why the teacher and you were so concerned to explain to him that it was very wrong, as are you. I would also explain that joining in with nastiness is as bad as instigating it. I would then tell him that he is a fabster you know he can do better and won't do it again.

[ilovemcdreamy]

When I first read your post, scrummy, I was pissed off and even more upset, thinking you too don't understand. But now on 3rd reading I can see you are right. One of the things I really really want them to learn is to stand on their own 2 feet and not be swayed by the crowd and to have empathy for other people. Of course they are only 5 and it's a lot to learn. Not sure that "lecturing them into shame and submission" is the way I would want to do it but I do know what you mean. Harry isn't my other son - he's another boy in DS's class so not sure that is a twinny trick he is playing on me.

Anyway thanks for your time all of you.

[ScummyMarx]

5 is very little, you're right. Sorry to have made you feel worse and for wrongly assuming on the twin thing. Do you know why he said it? It does seem a bit of an unusual thing for a 5 year old to say, tbh. I know death could be on his mind due to the death of his classmate's dad but even so it seems a bit odd. Could there be some horrible thing going on in the playground generally that the school needs to tackle? . My two got involved in bullying another little boy that way a couple of years ago. It was awful. I was slightly exaggerating on shaming them into submission but i did talk and talk until I was sure that they knew exactly why what they'd done was wrong.

[MummyDoIt]

Not sure if this helps or not but my DH died of cancer in August and my two DSs (aged 4 and 5 so in Reception and Year 1 respectively) use death in their play all the time. Lots of their games involve mummies and daddies dying, all said in the most matter of fact way. Our Macmillan nurse said it was healthy that they were acting things out and talking about it, not bottling things up. I never try to stop them. Yes, it hurts me to hear them but I think they're just dealing with it in the best way they can.

Also, one of their friends come to tea at our house every Tuesday. He was obviously told when DH died and often asks why did he die, how did he die, etc. I don't think it's inappropriate for him to ask and always answer him truthfully, albeit in language a five year old can understand.

I suspect your DS may have been role-playing a situation that was preying on his mind and trying to make sense of it and it sounds like the school staff handled it badly. It's a new situation for all the kids - thankfully few Dads of five year olds die - and it can be difficult for them to grasp, especially as at that age they don't really understand the concept of death fully. For what it's worth, I think the school were a little hard on your DS.

[treedelivery]

My 4 year old has gone through atime of being very interested in death, animals in particulary as it's her only experience of it. I can see her doing this just to see what would happen if she did - learning about the world around her and finding dtuff out be experimenting on others.

Clearly ds needs to be shown this boundary and the tears were probably unavoidable, but maybe keep an eye on him for other signs of stress? I remember being this age and thinkig the world was against me.

I agree with MummyDoIt - but I guess the teacher has a responsibilty to the mum of the other kid too.

Must be really hard being a teacher.

[ScummyMarx]

That's a really interesting thought, mummydoit, Have to say I'd assumed that some sort of quite nasty taunting/teasing had been going on to leave the other child in tears and cause that sort of reaction from the teacher, hence my feeling that if this had been my kid we'd have been reaching a "you crossed the line bigtime, buddy" moment. But, as you say, it could be a matter of children making sense of death via play. Is your son feeling better today, ilovemcdreamy?

[ilovemcdreamy]

Hi - thanks all for yout thoughts. Has been v helpful. Yes he's feeling a lot better and has had a good couple of days and has made peace with his "victim". Teacher was also a bit contrite following morning saying she hadn't want to upset either of us (my feelings had obviously communictaed themselves to her). I still feel school could have handled it better especially when found out DS was bawled out in front of entire class, not alone as had previosuly thought. Anyway have put it down to experience. You live and learn.