Feel sad for my dd. admits she often has no one to play with :-(

(56 Posts)
sunnyshine Sun 11-Nov-12 09:39:33

My dd (yr 3) got upset and admitted that often she has no one to play with at lunchtime. She says she often sits on the friendship circle but no one comes. She is bright, funny and has some great friends but in turn they have other friends too so often gets left out in groups . She says she plays imagination games on her own but I'm not sure how to help ?

JuliaScurr Sun 11-Nov-12 09:44:47

It's horrible when this happens, you have my sympathy. Is the teacher aware? Does the school have any intervention system?

mrz Sun 11-Nov-12 09:49:03

I think you need to make the teacher aware.
Is there any reason why your daughter can't play with her friends in a larger group (with their other friends) or are they excluding her? or could it be that she is choosing not to join in with their games ?

sunnyshine Sun 11-Nov-12 09:56:48

I think I will ask teacher on Monday. She has been separated from her friend so lunchtimes vary slightly so by the time my dd has finished lunch her friend is already playing a game with other friends. My dd is shy/gets embarrassed easily and says that she sometimes ask and they say no as have started game and think her confidence is being knocked. She says that if she does get to play she sometimes gets the game wrong or tries to suggest things and then gets embarrassed when they say no or shout at her sad. Then when she comes home she says "mummy why does no one like me "

Definately make teacher aware. My dd was like this, the teacher encouraged and organised whole class games on the playground.

Its really helped to intergrate her into the class.

sunnyshine Sun 11-Nov-12 09:58:42

The intervention system is to sit on this friendship circle and other members of the class should come and check it but not sure it's successful ! The idea is good but not if other children/ buddies are not picking the children up.

TheEnthusiasticTroll Sun 11-Nov-12 10:08:59

This is the same for my dd,millet her take little toys and books into school, I know I probably shouldn't but she will happily play or read for bit on her own.

TheEnthusiasticTroll Sun 11-Nov-12 10:11:09

Millet confused. That should be I let her

sunnyshine Sun 11-Nov-12 11:42:25

It's horrible isn't itsad!she said the dinner ladies take little toys away from them. She takes a note pad and pencil and keeps it in her pocket but I want her to be playing with her friends.

Fairenuff Sun 11-Nov-12 12:02:17

If you let the school know, the staff on duty at lunchtime will keep an eye on her and ecourage other children to invite her into their games. This is a common problem, but easily resolved if the staff are aware of it. Speak to her class teacher tomorrow morning.

messybedhead Sun 11-Nov-12 12:05:45

My DD was like this. It wasn't that there was anything particularly wrong with her, but she just didn't gel with any of the girls in her class.

In the end I changed her school in Yr3. Within a week she had settled and now has a close friendship with 3 other girls involving sleepovers and days out together. It was the best thing I could have done for her.

As a teacher, I've often seen it where children don't seem to have any real friends in the class. I encourage others to play with them or 'buddy' them, and get them to join in each others games. I also encourage parents to organise 'get togethers' outside of school and point them in the direction of other like minded children who are equally shy or have similar interests.

HOWEVER I also have had worried parents asking why their child doesn't have anyone to play with, when that is not the case at all.

I would say though that by Yr 3 you have a good idea of friendships. Does she get invited to play dates (hate that term) or parties or anything? (My DD didn't).

You could encourage friendships outside of school by joining clubs maybe?

I'm sorry I don't have much advice but I just wanted to let you know that it's not a trivial thing to worry about. It's important for our DCs to feel secure and have friendships.

sunnyshine Sun 11-Nov-12 12:48:43

Thanks for your replies she has one friend who she gets invited to play with lots outside school but that's it really, she does a few groups outside school but comes across as shy/not confident at these I think so hasn't made any new friends. As I said she loves school and says that this isn't that important but I think she's just saying that. She really is a lovely girl and I just can't understand it!

sunnyshine Sun 11-Nov-12 12:50:11

A few party invites too but not as many as her other friends ( I know from chatting to there mums!)

auntevil Sun 11-Nov-12 15:44:30

Sorry to hijack - by my DS2 is the same. He doesn't have any close friends as he is on the periphery of friendship groups, but never in the close circle.
I think it is rather a rosy picture to say that it can always be easily sorted.
His school have made several attempts to get things working, but it has never achieved anything. We did nearly get there, and then the lad moved school, so we were back at square 1.
He hasn't been invited to a party for over 18 mths - and that was only due to his big brother being the main invite.
Lunchtime supervisors are a little limp. They do organised games, but quite often it is skipping, or aimed at specific individuals.
He does do clubs after school, but has not made any friends there either.
His teacher last year couldn't understand it, although did say that the class dynamic had changed and that there were different groupings after a few left and a few joined. She seemed to infer that he was mature for his age and that the only boys that would regularly play with him were quite immature, so games were often short lived.
He is so sad about it - he often cries to me and tells me that he has no friends - so I feel for you sunnyshine. It is heart breaking to not be able to help your child in these situations.

sunnyshine Sun 11-Nov-12 17:00:41

I think that's partly it, she is very mature but still a child. She would rather spend time with adults than children which is an odd situation as has always been around other children. She is not mature in the sense of make up , confidence etc but has a very mature head in her shoulders, knows right from wrong, will not put a foot wrong at school etc.! I wonder if that's whats making her not be able to forge ( except the one) friendships. This heartbreaking! Will make appt to see teacher ASAP I think and see if she has any thoughts?

auntevil Sun 11-Nov-12 17:13:54

If it's any help, I have had the conversation with DS about his dad (DH). He had no friends at school - neither did my DB. It used to really upset me with my DB - particularly as I was a social butterfly, always out. I know DH's story mainly from my MIL - but DH confirms it.
I tell him to look at them both now. Both of them have excellent social lives envy . Whilst they do not have hundreds of friends, they have really good and loyal friends. Friends that will travel from Europe just to have a weekend drink "'cos we hadn't seen each other for a few weeks".
Whilst it breaks my heart now as he is at school, and still so young, I hope and pray that he will just be like them. That when he does get good friends that they will be true and long lasting and not fly by nights.

sunnyshine Sun 11-Nov-12 19:42:17

I know your right aunt evil but seems a long way off at the moment. Will see if I can catch teacher tomorrow and go from there I think. Just want everything to be ok!

acebaby Sun 11-Nov-12 20:56:33

massive sympathies. We have changed schools this year (DS1 in yr3 and DS2 in Reception), and DS1 is having friendship issues. This is in a small private school, with a reputation for being very 'nurturing' sad. It is so painful to watch isn't it...

Perhaps we can keep this thread going for those of us with DC's of about this age who are struggling?

Fairenuff Mon 12-Nov-12 08:21:21

The school that I work in has fantastic pastoral support, so maybe this problem is not so easily solved in other schools.

We would put a plan into place so that all staff were aware that this child might need support with friendships. We even take groups of children together off the playground to play adult led games and help build relationships, if it helps. There are lots of strategies that staff can use to help integrate children but it does depend on the school's ethos and procedures.

Hopefully, the teacher will have some good suggestions, I am sure that this is not the first time she's had to deal with something like this.

sunnyshine Mon 12-Nov-12 10:29:01

Thank you all so much, you have been really helpful and I'm going to see what school suggests and put some of your suggestions forward. I would consider changing school if not resolved but how do you know that wouldn't make it worse ie no friends. It's all too hard. I expected friend issues at secondary school but not yet. I so wasn't prepared for her feeling like this.

iseenodust Mon 12-Nov-12 10:41:45

DS's school run a board games club one lunchtime per week. Maybe one of the lunchtime supervisors could do that as winter comes? Your DD will not be the only child finding playground tough.

GreenGables1 Mon 12-Nov-12 11:14:22

I posted on this a couple of weks ago, after my son changed schools. We're a week into the school trying to sort it out, via chats about friendships in PHSE. We've had one great day when he was asked to join in games and then its kind of slid back... Its very hard to see him unhappy but I'm trying to grit my teeth and be positive for him. He's allowed to take comics etc in to entertain himself but worries about standing out by doing that. Unfortunately all they seem to do at lunchtime is running around playing tag and being v boisterous, there aren't any other activities, which I think would help. I really feel for you, its hard to think of your child being miserable.

sunnyshine Mon 12-Nov-12 13:44:01

Iseenodust what a lovely idea for the board games group. She would love that. I finding it hard to know what to say to the teacher without coming across as pfb and them saying there's nothing wrong. I hope they don't do that. Will keep you informed.

mrsshackleton Mon 12-Nov-12 14:11:43

I posted on GreenGables thread about this a few weeks back, dd1 y3 of new school, similar complaints. She also doesn't like the boisterous games the children play. I have mentioned it twice to the teacher who tells me everyting is fine and now feel I can't again without seeming pfb. It's heartbreaking. So, sorry, again no advice but much sympathy

Leeds2 Mon 12-Nov-12 16:06:09

Are there any lunchtime clubs that your DD could join? It might help her form friendships with other like minded children, and let them get together in a more relaxed atmosphere. At my DD's primary, the library was open for a couple of lunchtimes a week so that the children could change their books, read, lsten to audio CDs etc. Maybe your DD's school does something similar?

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