I think I might just be the Mother of to 'the naughty kid' :(

(61 Posts)
guttedmum Wed 03-Oct-12 17:50:42

The teacher pulled me to one side at pick up time today...basically told me that DS (4) has been having serious behavioural issues since starting Reception just 3 weeks ago...it's all come to a bit of a head today after he has hit a child and thrown sand at him and bitten somebody else.

The upshot is he's terrible at sharing, taking turns, etc....very "immature" and they plan on giving him some sort of behaviour chart as of tomorrow. She says he is a pleasant enough child and the sharing issues might be partly down to him being an only.

I'm absolutely gutted TBH. I had NO idea that anything like this was going on. He's a little smasher at home and very kind and generous...he loves making friends and he talks about how much fun he is having at school.

What hurt me the most is the teacher saying that other kids picking up on his behaviour don't want to be around him...my DS has just told me that he only has one friend and I've been crying since I arrived home and started talking to him.

I have spoken very firmly and frankly to DS but also given him lots of cuddles as he can see how upset I am. He has been crying too...he said "I try my very best Mum, I know I am being a naughty boy but I can't stop sometimes..."

I don't really know where to go from here...when the teacher told me about him tonight it sounded like a different child entirely. I feel terrible for the kids he has hurt as well, no doubt the Mums will know DS is the culprit after talking to them and God knows what they will think.

Any advice is welcomed.
sad

KitKatGirl1 Fri 05-Oct-12 14:56:58

You've had excellent advice, OP, re the behaviour and also your ds sounds adorable.

Won't add too much except you have absolutely the right idea in trying to make as much effort as possible to get on with the other Mums and also to support school and be on the same side.

Ds was a very difficult child in reception - has Asperger's - and there was lots of biting and knocking over off stuff etc. I think it really helped that I volunteered at school and with the PTA and made an effort to get to know the other Mums, even if they did seem cliquey; so they could see that ds had his good side, we were 'good' parents and supportive of school etc etc so that as much as possible some kind of social life was still possible for ds. I know it sounds harsh but it's almost as if they were more accepting of ds's little transgressions if they knew and liked me.

Keep on with all the good advice (and be consistent) and I hope it's not that your ds is too unhappy at school that he's acting out. He sounds very artistic and bright and they do say 'all behaviour is a form of communication'. I'm sure it'll improve when he breaks into some of the friendship groups already formed. Good luck!

guttedmum Fri 05-Oct-12 16:04:05

Yay...I got a thumbs up and a "better"...and DS came out of school looking like Swamp Thing so he's obviously been having good fun at playtime. He is very pleased that he has a certificate for good behaviour on the wall at school so I've been on praise overdrive for the past half hour.

orangeberries - He did attend a Nursery for 3 hours a day 3 times a week but it was very informal learning through play with just a bit of focus on being quiet, listening etc. at circle time. He never really had any problems settling in there.

KitKatGirl1 - The advice and support I've been given on the thread has been absolutely priceless. I'll be making a BIG effort with the Mums next week...trying to find a common ground and hopefully even make some new friends myself.

bialystockandbloom Fri 05-Oct-12 16:22:26

His behaviour at school seems so at odds with his manner at home, which makes me feel bloody helpless to be honest.

Does sound like he's finding it hard to cope in a group, and maybe amongst lots of children his own age. Very different from being with adults (who will always give attention in a way children don't), and especially a parent 1-1. Have you seen much of him around other children? eg at nursery, parties, playgroups etc before he started school?

If it was me, I would invite some of the children from his class round (one at a time) and observe closely what he's like. You need to judge for yourself what he's like with other children.

The teacher may not realise how her manner of telling you is upsetting you, but imho you need to listen to her, I'm sure she is saying it to help rather than criticise. However, ask her what she will be doing to combat this, as if (as you say) it is only an issue at school, there is not much you can do about it - the school need to be doing more than just coming complaining you to at hometime.

jigglybottom Fri 05-Oct-12 18:10:36

Oh hun I have had it all!...quiet words at home time, when this didn't work being told for all to hear at the door, looks and whispering from other mums, other pupils actually running up to my son to tell him how naughty he is. Tried everything at home to try and help in the school- rewards, discipline, chatting, examples of good behavior, but the funny thing was the bad behavior was only at school!! I had not (and still haven't)seen any of the things they were telling me at home infact Ds is the complete opposite confused, So how can we change something-somewhere where we can not SEE what is causing the behavior?? and when a teacher does not want to divulge any info other than "jigglybottom junior has hit someone today...its unacceptable" and doesn't think it important to tell you anything else other than deal with it. what can you do?

kittykato Fri 05-Oct-12 19:07:24

Hey benchers - can I join you? My DS's teacher has had quiet words for all of KS1. Got reputation in Reception (tho' prob was with snidy mothers rather than teacher that thought his behaviour 'wasn't an issue'!). However, since he's been the naughty kid for last 2 years (and I have to say 50% or poss more was down to another child - thankfully left the school - that kept lying about DS to get him trouble), he's now got a 'reputation' that is following him up through the school sad No-one invites him to playdates, but I'm glad as that says more about the parents, as I know he's popular at school.

Is light at the end of the tunnel as there are now 'naughtier' boys in his class. It's a sad day when your little one says to you 'I'm probably 3rd naughtiest now', even he's labelling himself.

OP sorry I can't give any advice. Think some children just need longer to mature...

Lizzylou Fri 05-Oct-12 20:23:46

Yay for thumbs up ans certificate! Good lad!
Ds2 was perfectly well behaved in preschool. It was as if at school he thought " hang on, 1 teacher, 1 Ta and 28 children??? I can go WILD!"

CockBollocks Fri 05-Oct-12 21:09:38

Good lord your DS sounds exactly like mine! Lots of good advice here, so wont repeat it again. Couple of things I would like to add

Ask that the teacher talks too you away from the school gate, a phone call or note.

Dont expect it to change quickly, it might, but my DS has only just got to a much more settled level at school in Y2.

Get thick skinned.

kitty my DS said to me last week "the naughty bit in my brain has gone now mummy" sad

monicamary Fri 05-Oct-12 21:35:39

Hi gutted mum.So glad you started this thread as i have been dreading going into school for pickup and to hear can i have a word.Must say what a lovely bunch you are and i dont feel so down now after hearing your advice and stories.
My Ds is the lovliest sweetest boy at home and on playdates.If one of his friends is hurt at the park he checks them and goes and finds their mum.
So to hear he is not listening or being rough at school has really upset me.

neverputasockinatoaster Sat 06-Oct-12 15:32:04

Slide up people!

I am the mum who has had people saying in that tone - 'Oh, so You're DS's Mum...'
I have had After School club tell me that the other children have reported thta DS has done X. Y and Z that day.
I have had the 'Can I have a quick word?' at the end of the day.
Parents have asked me not to leave parties as they've heard DS can be a bit 'difficult'

DS has ASD. He struggled to cope with large groups,noise etc. He struggled to cope with others misbehaving and tended to hand out discipline himself....

DS is now in Y3. He is loved by all his class mates and is valued by his school. Parents who avoided me now talk to me and tell me how lovely DS is. He gets put in the good behaviour book all the time.

Things change. I would never have believed that 3 years ago but they do and your DS sounds lovely.

Good luck!

artifarti Mon 15-Oct-12 13:11:00

I found this thread on Friady evening, when I was in tears after another afterschool 'word' from DS1's Reception teacher and just wanted to say that it really helped reading it - so if any of you are still about, thank you. DS1 only started school three weeks ago (only turned 4 six weeks ago sad) and although he is enjoying it, making progress and making friends, he is also getting into trouble for hitting, biting etc. He has had phases of this before so it wasn't a surprise but still so disappointing as he is so lovely for much of the time. I worry desperately that he won't have any friends if it continues sad His teacher was going to make him a sticker chart at the weekend and says his behaviour mainly seems to be borne of over-excitement. Deep breath later to go and pick him up. How is everyone else doing?

BobblyGussets Tue 16-Oct-12 21:18:16

Oh Atifarti, you are not alone.

DS 2 got his second orange card for pushing another little boy off a chair because he wanted a turn on the computer. I can hardly believe he is like that, as he wasn't like that at all at pre-school.

I think the hours at school are long and thirty children in his class with just two adults is a bit much for some children.

But yes, I felt terrible for the other little boy when the teacher told me.

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