I think I might just be the Mother of to 'the naughty kid' :(

(61 Posts)
guttedmum Wed 03-Oct-12 17:50:42

The teacher pulled me to one side at pick up time today...basically told me that DS (4) has been having serious behavioural issues since starting Reception just 3 weeks ago...it's all come to a bit of a head today after he has hit a child and thrown sand at him and bitten somebody else.

The upshot is he's terrible at sharing, taking turns, etc....very "immature" and they plan on giving him some sort of behaviour chart as of tomorrow. She says he is a pleasant enough child and the sharing issues might be partly down to him being an only.

I'm absolutely gutted TBH. I had NO idea that anything like this was going on. He's a little smasher at home and very kind and generous...he loves making friends and he talks about how much fun he is having at school.

What hurt me the most is the teacher saying that other kids picking up on his behaviour don't want to be around him...my DS has just told me that he only has one friend and I've been crying since I arrived home and started talking to him.

I have spoken very firmly and frankly to DS but also given him lots of cuddles as he can see how upset I am. He has been crying too...he said "I try my very best Mum, I know I am being a naughty boy but I can't stop sometimes..."

I don't really know where to go from here...when the teacher told me about him tonight it sounded like a different child entirely. I feel terrible for the kids he has hurt as well, no doubt the Mums will know DS is the culprit after talking to them and God knows what they will think.

Any advice is welcomed.
sad

redwhiteandblueeyedsusan Wed 03-Oct-12 18:06:13

welcome to the bench... come on sit down, I have chocolate.

not necessarily the fault of being an only. ds has a sibling who he bites/hits/snatches off so do not blame yourself for that.

where do you go from here? well you work with the school. you talk to him about strategies he can use if he is getting frustrated, eg walking away, telling the teacher if someone snatches from him first etc. ask the school for some guidance as to how to help him settle, get him to bed early and well fed in the morning and at lunch. (if packed lunches) make an extra effort to be lovely and friendly to other mums. and discipline overtly in the playground so that they know you do care.

oh and have some more chocolate.

Pleaseputyourshoeson Wed 03-Oct-12 18:24:35

What a nice bench you have there redwhiteandblue! smile

guttedmum Wed 03-Oct-12 18:29:08

Thanks for the advice (and chocolate)...

I'm already on top of a lot of the stuff you mention. DS is tucked up in bed for around 7.30 every evening and I always make sure he has a good breakfast before we leave the house. We read and do crafty/baking shit together and often play games that involve sharing, taking turns etc...

I will try and mix with the other Mums though...I haven't yet spoken to anybody at the school gates as it seems like friendships are already firmly established from most of the children attending Nursery together. I just need to be warm and confident in my approach.

It hurts to learn that he is disruptive and unkind when I'm not around...it's also the thought of the other children - and Teacher - disliking him when I know what a gem he can be MOST of the time.

I really hope this is just teething troubles or a (very short) phase.

crosscupcake Wed 03-Oct-12 18:32:00

crosscupcake slides up the bench and says "hi"!

I was there too.
I dreaded it, "can i have a word Mrs cupcake" were the dreaded words for several weeks after my ds started school.

But the good news is that it soon settles, it really does. Just ride the storm for now.
Plus "whispers"..there will be other kids with worse behaviour, if not now...definitely to come. They all kind of take it in turns!

Dont worry, it will be ok x brew

SnowWide Wed 03-Oct-12 18:35:30

Idiot teacher!! Presuming an only child will have problems sharing...seriously, they keep all the stereotypes well and alive, dont they?

Sorry gutted, no practical advice from me, and please dont react too badly in front of DS. He may become even more distressed. Take a deep breath, you are getting good help from the bench ^ grin

slipslider Wed 03-Oct-12 18:35:48

How about inviting his new friend to come and play. As an only child he may not have the skills to react to someone say trying to take something he was working with or if another child wanted to sit where he had set his heart on doing so....helping him to develop these social skills outside of the classroom would help him immensely.

And just for the record, a lot of children can not share these days as parents with more than 1 child buy more than 1 of each thing (DS, telly, x box etc) to stop arguments which technically rids the problem of children not being able to share but it doesn't teach them how to either! And as adults have their own telly etc in the house they are not modelling the behaviour they want their children to learn...I would suggest lead by example and take turns doing things like watching tv in just one room - sharing time equally so he gets to understand that if he has his turn for a set time, then it is only fair others have a set time also. Good luck!

cansu Wed 03-Oct-12 18:39:34

Teacher may have made remark about being an only child to help op feel better! Try not to be too upset OP. Focus on being supportive of strategies at school and make sure you reward your ds for having a good day at school etc.

mogandme Wed 03-Oct-12 18:39:45

Sits on the bench. My reception dc is "LIVELY" according to the teacher hmm also like it at home so wasn't too surprised :-(

mogandme Wed 03-Oct-12 18:40:15

Sits on the bench. My reception dc is "LIVELY" according to the teacher hmm also like it at home so wasn't too surprised :-(

guttedmum Wed 03-Oct-12 18:47:04

Aww thanks everybody...will take the advice and that brew (save the wine for later).

SnowWide - His teacher actually seems rather lovely...I think she was trying to clumsily reassure me. She did mention that she'd been through similar experiences with her own children ("We've all been there...") but I honestly just wanted to burst into tears on the spot.

I think I was initially being too tough on DS...you give very sound advice.

<Room on the bench for another? I have a cadburys bubbly...>

I've had the "can I have a quiet word?" a couple of times this week.
DS is 5 (yr 1) and just being a bit of a bugger.

I think the teachers opinion about being an only child is wrong fwiw. I know plenty of children, DS included, who struggle to share. All have siblings.
When DB and I were young, DBs teacher blamed my mum being a lone parent for his (sometimes) poor behaviour-she was wrong too!

Sorry, no advice- but plenty of brew and sympathy!
You're not alone.

Herbsmum Wed 03-Oct-12 19:00:32

Oh gutted, welcome to the emotional rollercoaster that is school.
Can I also have a seat on the bench red white and blue?
We are 3 years ahead of you but I can so vividly recall the abject horror we felt at the beginning.
We were told that we should consider CAMHS input for our family before my daughter also turned out to be the same. My son apparently had no friends, yet would get invited to play dates. He was constantly reprimanded and told he was a baby and stupid. For a long time I didn't sleep and couldn't see how my son could be viewed as this awful, angry little boy when we had no real issues at home.
We had a psychologist into the school in the end who observed my son and concluded that he was very normal, very animated and liked by his peers. Just needed to have his attention held and to be stimulated.
Now he has gone into juniors and has a fab teacher who has nothing but praise for him. I really do think a lot of it is immaturity and adjusting to structure and routine in a formal setting.
In adult life we have personality clashes, I think this also applies in schools. The teacher that had such an issue with my son is just an individual I would not cross over the road to say hello to.
I try to be more relaxed and not so uptight about him. He will be what he wants to be. I can't fight his battles forever and I know he is a kind and likeable boy.
Try not to let it become all consuming. It will be ok.

sittinginthesun Wed 03-Oct-12 19:02:02

Hi OP - just wanted to say that it takes me back to DS1's Reception class. For the first few weeks, one boy was constantly in trouble, pushing, kicking, biting. sad

The mum was so upset, but she was (and still is!) a completely lovely person, who was open and friendly in the playground, and who worked with the school regarding her son's initial problems.

Sure enough, by end of Reception, he was absolutely fine, and is still a popular boy, with lots of friends.

In his case, it was partly an age thing. He is the youngest in the year, and was still in the midst of the 4 and a half years testosterone surge!

Think what I'm trying to say is, hold your head up, get involved in the school, and hope all will be well.

wheresthebeach Wed 03-Oct-12 19:04:59

Ahem....budge up.
There may also be an issue if most of the kids went to nursery together. It's hard for 'outsiders' to break into established friendships. Sometimes the existing cliques don't seem to realise how hard it is. I had to say something to a sympathetic mum about how hard my DD was finding it to 'break in'...and that I was too. If they're nice (luckily 'mine' where) they'll make an effort to include your DS.

scottishmummy Wed 03-Oct-12 19:05:35

ok.deep breath this can be resolved
sensitive careful working and tact between you and school
invite some pals home, make wee tea and they will get used him as better behaved
approach the other mums acknowledge its been difficult (esp those mum of children hes hitten etc(do some play dates,make it clear you want to work hard to resolve this
Praise and big up his good stuff, talk about school positively

LBsBongers Wed 03-Oct-12 19:06:31

Back up the school by reinforcing at home that his hitting and biting is not acceptable, at the same time try to let him know that as his mum you are always going to be on his side.

It's a big step going into school full time it's a busy noisy place and he may be acting out because he's confused, frustrated or nervous. You need to strike a balance tackling his moments of poor behaviour whilst promoting his confidence.

Repeating the messages that ' we don't hit, it hurts and upsets people', ' how would you feel if you were hit', and praising good behaviour / being generally positive about school worked when my DS went through a hitting phase. You should also tell him to tell a teacher if he feels upset about something.

Try not to worry about other mums, some may be feeling smug or critical but one day their child will be ' the naughty one' and they might get an insight into how it feels.

Try to stay positive it will pass

Badvoc Wed 03-Oct-12 19:08:01

I think the whole being an only thing is horseshit tbh.
Ds1 was an only for over 5 years til ds2 arrived and he never had any issues.
Ds2 however..... smile
Lots of praise for good behaviour.
But discipline for bad behaviour...whether that be no tv, no pc time, whatever.
You aren't the only one, don't worry.

Viviennemary Wed 03-Oct-12 19:10:37

He's only four. And I don't really agree with only children being the ones that have difficulty sharing. A lot of children from bigger families don't like sharing either. But the teacher might have been trying to make things easier though. Anyway it's very early days and I'm sure he will settle down.

scottishmummy Wed 03-Oct-12 19:15:31

yes dont let anyone make this a singeleton issue
its not.plenty with siblings have their moments too
but with support and consistency with school it will pass

Tired. tired tired.
It turns them into monsters at 4 years old.
My DS1 was similar except that he was a poppet at school and a total changeling at home.
All good advice here, one thing that helped here was bringing bedtime forward to 6.30.

Pinot Wed 03-Oct-12 19:18:01

You are not alone!

Don't worry too much - it's still early days.

LBsBongers Wed 03-Oct-12 19:20:03

Was going to say bring his bedtime forward too, even an extra half an hour might help

Ghoulelocks Wed 03-Oct-12 19:20:28

Does it make you feel better to know I'm the school SENCO, do really well at work with supporting the 'naughty' children achieve yet my third is one of the 'naughty' ones? Doesn't that throw out the window the only one theory AND the theory it must be because you don't know HOW to teach good behaviour. My ds is improving quickly but has been a biter/ thrower/ pusher. He'll get there.

The best approach is 2 fold:
1-support behaviour at home, use similar rewards/ language (ask to see the chart in school and speak to them how they are phrasing things). Show you're a team
2-Be thick skinned about it.

BigFatLegsInWoolyTIghts Wed 03-Oct-12 19:21:28

A child in DDs reception class today kicked anther in the stomach...I saw it and I never thought "There's the naughty kid."

I just saw a 4 year old lose it and kick out without thinking.

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