10yr old DD talking about having sex

[Betti]

Today I discovered that my 10yr old DD had set up a facebook account which I have absolutely forbidden her to do. To do this she also had to create an email account which she has done. I told her I would be deleting the facebook and email account but before I did I checked her emails. She has emails from a boy at school (I don't know him) asking her if she would have sex with him and she has said yes. The banter continues with him asking her what exactly she would do with him. Finally he tells her he actually thinks she is minging and he only asked her to have sex with him so he could tell everyone in her class that she is a slut. Reading between the lines, her best friend is 'dating' this boy (do they date at 10!). He called her a 'cock-sucking bitch' ...ffs she is 10 years old. I'm shocked and upset that she has even seen those words written down. I have just sent her to her room as I have no idea how to deal with this. I have taken away any internet access but how do I handle this? We live in Dubai and she goes to an International school where some of the kids seem a little bit more streetwise than i was used to back in our little village in the UK. Please help, I feel wretched.

[Notmyidea]

In the UK I'd be telling you to print off the emails and raise this with the school but I don't know the cultural landscape in Dubai to know if this would be the right answer.
Certainly talk to her about sex, and the healthy sort of relationships you'd want for her when she's older, and the danger of being exploited. Then tighten up the supervision of her computer use. Remove any mobile phones and other internet enabled devices until you feel she's earned your trust back. Oh, and talk through her friendship with this girl too. Do you know her parents? If one of my girls were associating with a lad with such a nasty attitude to females I'd want to know.

[LeftMeInSuspenders]

Hmm, she definitely has done wrong and needs to be fully aware of that.

But I would say right now, after what has just happened- the abuse, humiliation etc, she probably needs a hug from her mum.

[Betti]

Thank you ladies. This forum is great. It allowed me to voice my worries and concerns without being judgemental. I didn't speak to my DD yesterday - I was too angry. So after a rubbish night's sleep and much pondering, I talked to her about the fact that she has abused our trust by doing this behind our back. We also discussed the sex issue and it works out she was feeling left out at school because everyone has a facebook account and everyone likes this boy. I think she thought this would make her more popular. Anyway we've had a long talk and lots of hugs and decided that she will try and be 10 again and not yearn to be a teenager. I have also spoken to the school and asked them to speak to the boy's parents so they can tell him what is and isn't appropriate language and behaviour for a 10 year old. Thanks again for listening. x

[seeker]

Your first reaction was anger- and fury about her setting up a Facebook account without telling you? And you sent her to hr room, when another child had said such horrible things to her? Wow!

[mercibucket]

your poor dd, , can you show the parents of this 10 year old what he has been doing?
watch out for the kids in dubai as they get older, a lot of international kids get up to all sorts.

[Notmyidea]

I get why you were angry, op! Hope you get the support you need from school.

[basildonbond]

gosh seeker, that post was helpful

[basildonbond]

betti what a horrible thing to have happened to your dd

dh keeps on wanting us to move to Dubai (he's working there a lot at the moment) - he seems to think that dc are more sheltered there but that's obviously not been the case at your dd's school - is it one of the British schools or an international school (curious so that if we ever did move we could avoid!!)

[seeker]

Basildon-the OP's 10 year old was called a "cock-sucking bitch" by a classmate. Her response was to be so angry with her dd that she couldn't speak to her until the next day, and sent her to her room.

I think that merits a "wow" frankly

[mercibucket]

international schools in general tend to have more sex and drugs going on than here, often alcohol too, so i would be v wary. of course, this us a massive generalisation and no doubt not true for everywhere, but having met plenty of them in lots of different countries, its not something i would rush to choose for my kids. the more 'expat' the country the more so imo

[basildonbond]

seeker so straight after the OP thanking people for being non-judgmental and explaining the aftermath (lots of hugs, productive talk) you wade in with that contribution ... I think it's fairly clear the OP realised her original reaction was not ideal but surely most of us can understand it because we're human and not perfect ...

[Betti]

Actually seeker the reason I sent my DD to her room and didn't talk to her was because I didn't know how to approach it. Yes I was shocked and angry but I needed time to think about how to talk to her about what had gone on. You just jumped in and assumed that I had sent her to her room as punishment when in actually fact I sent her to her room so I could think before I spoke. The reason people come on these forums is to seek help and advice and not to be berated!
Basildon DD goes to a British Curriculum school but the pupils come from all countries and cultures, some of whom are more casual with their parenting ways. I thought the same as your DH initially but after being here for 2 years, I am more aware of what goes on and it isn't just at our school. Some schools are well known to have problems with drug taking and alcohol abuse, the same as in the UK and I personally feel that the culture of having housemaids doesn't help. Parents have more freedom to go out and leave the children at home and many children do not respect their housemaids and just do whatever they like, the housemaids to scared to reprimand them. I do think Dubai is a great place to live but if I had had a choice, I wouldn't have come here with children. Feel free to contact me if you want any more advice....and thanks for the understanding :-)

[flurp]

My first reaction would be to send her to her room while I got my head together as well.
My second reaction would have been to go and see this boy's parents.
If anyone said those things to my 10 year old dd I would be seeing red.
OP you have handled it admirably. It sounds like you have a great relationship with your DD - what a good job you are on the ball and stopped this in its tracks.

[MrsMushroom]

Good God. Call the police. I would...I would show them the emails and tell them that it MUST be an adult as what 10 year old would write those things. Let them go round and deal with it.

How disgusting. That or go round with your DH and scare the bejeesus out of him...his own parents can't have much control after all!

[PeckhamBeckam]

What is the background of the boy? Is the English?

[mummytime]

Would those of you who would call the police; do that in Dubai? Really?

I might be investigating UK boarding schools though.

[WankbadgersBreakfast]

Having lived in Dubai, I wouldn't call the cops. They'd do diddly squat, for one.

I'm not sure what I'd do, OP, but I think you're doing well.

[Betti]

Thank you ladies. The school have been brilliant. They called the boy's parents in and showed them the message. They were mortified and today both myself and my DD received a written apology from the boy. The school is now running a course for parents on E-safety.

I wouldn't involve the police here. As WBB said, they would do nothing.

peckhambeckham he is Belgian but that is all I know. Unfortunately now my DD is 10, she no longer wants me to walk her to class or collect her so I don't really know the kids in her class or their parents. Maybe I will start showing my face a bit more.