Mumsnet Talk

Just looking for some advice please. My little boy turned two in December and started attending a pre-school playgroup for two mornings a week. Before this I have been taking him to two sessions a week at the children's centre, a music class, and visits to his friends/soft play. With me in tow of course.

He has mostly been with me for his two years, though has spend the very odd morning with his grandma, and many occasions with just his dad. He's never had any issues with beng separated from me to go out with his dad, and his dad looked after him for one day a week for several weeks while I worked my notice. I run a business from home now, so home all the time.

Preschool started well, in December his dad took him and stayed with him, in jan I have started taking him, and after leaving him for an hour with no problems I managed to leave him two sessions in a row for the whole morning. When I return to collect him he has started crying in the last fifteen minutes, but just says he is "sad, mummy gone out door" and perked up quickly. I always say goodbye. When asked he has said he wants to go to school again.

Last thursday I was called to come get him early, and he was very upset. The next session I had to stay, when I tried to leave he was very, very upset. Previously he has said bye, understood I will be back after the singing, and been ok.

When asked about "school" now he says he wants to stay home, that he's sad and scared, and mummy goes out the door. It's a struggle to get him out the house to go, and once there clings to me and holds my hand, leg, or it's on my knee.

He is also now clingy in the days we don't go, and last night was very upset at bedtime when I left the room. Normally I get a night night mummy, love you mummy and a handshake (!) and he has a song from daddy and settles himself.

He doesn't have to go to pre-school, and there are cheaper/free things he can go to if I'm having to stay anyway. Should I persevere? Or should I leave it till he's a but older?

He won't start at proper nursery school till he is 3 years and nine months old, so we have plenty of time to get into this whole going to school without mummy thing.

What I'm seeing is my confident happy boy becoming clingy and unhappy, which wasnt the affect I was hoping for! He's always been a lovely boy, a good sleeper, and generally pleasant. This feels a bit like I'm undoing the work we have put in to get here.

Leaving him to cry would not be an option I'm comfortable with.

Advice welcome... What would you do?

If he doesn't have to go, I wouldn't bother. He will be more independent by 3 - coincidentally (or not!) The traditional age for preschool. If you want him to go, try every day. A few mornings a week is really hard to settle into

If he doesn't have to go, I wouldn't bother. He will be more independent by 3 - coincidentally (or not!) The traditional age for preschool. If you want him to go, try every day. A few mornings a week is really hard to settle into

Thanks for your reply merci, he doesn't have to go, but I was hoping he would as could do with earning a bit more money from my business, and the time gained would help me do this.

Do people ever send their kids with grandma to pre school maybe?

It reassuring that he will be more independent by 3, as I would like him to pick up some key skills a pre school playgroup before going to school nursery, so he can make friends and settle quicker.

Ask the playgroup if he can have someone with him.
They could move near the door, outside door open, outside door closed, in entry hall, in carpark, etc. Ds could hold up a card/teddy/ whatever to indicate he's had enough which you must acknowledge and let him do what he wants to let him know you won't make him suffer if he's too anxious. Worked for dd aged 8; might work for your ds. Ask the p/g what they think.

At the group we have been going to, you are in or out. You can go onto a balcony where the kids can't see you so you can watch if you like. I may ask grandma if she will go with him perhaps... She's been dying to look after him more anyway.

A signal that isnt screaming mummy mummy mummy is a good idea! He signs, so I may opt for the 'all done' sign.

How about just asking granny to take him to a toddler group or swimming or something like that? Childcare is great if you need it for work and he would just have to get on with things, but otherwise why bother? They don't learn any great socialising skiLls aged 2. Honestly! Tried with 2 of mine at 2 then 2.d then 3. They were like different children by 3, having previously been v clingy. Ds2 otoh was fine aged 2 but has always been more self contained and independent. Even he was much better when he went every morning. They don't make such secure friendships if all/most of the others go every day and they only go twice a week. Only my experience, no doubt it is not the same for everyone

Hi merci, I think he may well be better off there when he is older, I will make use of what I have paid for but perhaps give it a rest for a few terms and try again. We went today and I had to stay as it was my turn on the duty rota, and he was quite happy there today, but did come back to me every ten mins saying 'there she is!', and wouldn't go and eat a snack or drink unless I went with him.

He also shut himself in the toy washing machine for a good ten minutes, but after two hours I felt a bit that way about the whole experience too!

Myself and my DH are not keen, for various reasons, on granny and grandad take him to something where we don't have any control over where he is going or what he is doing. Complicated I know...

Hello, I've got similar with my 2.5 year old DS2. He started pre-school after Christmas. My DD went at the same age and was fine but DS is not!

He has a complete meltdown when being left there and can't easily be consoled by the staff. He's fine if someone stays. We've tried Grandma taking him for the last two weeks. It's made some difference but the only way it's really worked is if she slips away and then he gets cross again when he realises she's gone. She tries saying 'bye' and he just howls.

I did have similar with my eldest child (DS1). He went to pre-school at 2.9 in the summer term and didn't settle for the whole term. We then had the summer holidays and then switched him into the setting where DS2 is now going. By then he was 3.3 and was a completely different child, settled there with very few problems.

Just to add, with DS2 it's not to do with him being shy or cautious. It's all about attachment/independence and managing without me or his grandma. DS2 is quite a sociable child, likes new people and situtations generally...

I am having this very same problem at the moment. I haven't even taken DS to preschool playgroup yet, only visited it yet he screamed his lungs out and burried his head in my shoulder. He showed no interest in dad who he spends loads of time with. I can't leave him for even half an hour at the gym creche as he screams the whole time I'm gone.

Spoke to Health Vistor who suggested someone he trusts (nanna or grandad)taking him to playgroups or toddler groups without me or DH.

He has recently started becoming clingy when he sees people he knows (adults) and has spent lots of time with. Its driving me a little bonkers as we're expecting a 2nd baby in May. Im sure this partly has something to do with the separation thing. Good luck x