Feeling detached from pregnancy (TW: pregnancy after loss)

[Daffodil21]

Just wondering if anyone has any advice really.

I'm currently 30 weeks pregnant, which follows a couple of years TTC and 3 early losses.

The first two pregnancies I was naively excited, even early on. But by #3 and #4 I didn't let myself get my hopes up and tried to think of it as a 'pregnancy' rather than a baby until we were further in. Trouble is I still feel like that, at 30 weeks in. We know he's a 'he', we've bought a pram and baby clothes etc, but I still can't comprehend that in 9 weeks time (hoping for ELCS) we may have a baby. I know things could still go wrong, but I'm struggling to believe they could go right, if that makes sense.

I just feel like I'm going through the motions a bit and not getting excited when I should be. Just a bit worried this will continue when (if) he's here. I'm sure I will feel differently when he's here but just wondering if anyone has any advice really?!

Hey!
Congrats on your rainbow baby!
I also had two losses before my DS!
I felt the same, I didn’t believe he was going to be born and be mine. I felt I was going to loose him all the time!
Sadly, pregnancy after loss is tarnished I think as you can’t enjoy it to your fullest.
To be honest, when he was born I was overwhelmed. Couldn’t get my head around that he was here, I did feel the instant love people talk above and it’s only ever grew from that day.
My advise would be once he’s born, take it a day at a time, don’t feel pressure to automatically be floored with love.
But I do think once’s he’s born all your worries will go and then the new worries start
Sending you lots of love.

Thank you @Moonshine11 , that's what I was hoping to hear.

So glad you ended up having your DS ❤️

I was like that in my 2 pregnancies and now again in this one, I had an mc before this one but not before my first two. I did have a relative lose a baby at 26 weeks gestation years earlier, so I could never relax until the baby was born and we were both fine, because I knew anything can happen at any stage to change the situation.

It used to be normal for pregnancy to be an apprehensive worrying time, not the Hallmarky #blessed stuff social media and much of society makes it out to be now. I loved my dc1 as soon as I got to meet him in scbu (I had pre eclampsia, further confirming my idea that I shouldn't relax until we were both home safe because it took another week in hospital after his birth with both of us in special care), my realistic view didn't affect how I felt or bonded with him once he was born.

@Moonshine11 has put it perfectly.

You aren’t alone. I had traumatic births and a neonatal death so anxiety levels are peak. I
29weeks and will be having a section early like yourself. Just counting down the days!
I find joy in her movements so I’m trying to live in the moment when she wriggles around, and not live in the fear (as I do 95%) of the time.

These weeks will fly by now and he’ll soon be with you xx

3 losses and still can't quiet believe it. Am also 30 weeks and hoping for a ELCS. Its normal to feel apprehensive and detached

Thank you so much for sharing your experiences. I'm sorry you've all had such a hard time ❤️

It's a relief to know this is normal.

@Garman you are right that it is just being realistic. That would be my response to a friend who would tell me to 'think positive' , like that's going to change the outcome 🙄

I'm so tired of thinking 'if he's ok' etc etc but at least we are getting closer to August now.

@WinterBabyof89 ive got an anterior placenta, and movements have only been a recent thing! But they are there now (I can feel him right now). It's nice to feel him move to know he's probably ok, rather than living scan to scan (I did end up booking a ridiculous number of scans for reassurance). I hope the rest of your pregnancy goes well and you do find some space to enjoy the pregnancy too. You too @tikha xx

My first DC had anomalies on the 20 week scan but I didn't want genetic testing so as awful as it sounds I tried to distance myself also. When she was born it was still that rush of love. Also had a mc. With my others I also tried to distance myself by buying clothes etc last minute so they could be returned if things went wrong.

I would love to go through pregnancy all positive like some do but I think for women who have experienced a loss or been through fetal medicine it just isn't possible. There's always a what if in the back of your mind.

Can I just add that many women do not experience a rush of love - if that happens to you that's normal too and not because you distanced yourself from the pregnancy.

I saw a post on Instagram that said something along the lines of "after loss, pregnancy goes from 'when I get a baby' to 'when my heart is next broken'." And that really resonated with me.

Have you been in touch with the perinatal MH team?

@im2sad we did think about leaving it until last minute to buy clothes, but I wanted to try and enjoy it and thought we couldn't wait until week 40 to buy stuff because you still don't know things will be ok even then. Our house is full of baby stuff now and I think if things don't go to plan we'll either package it all up and store it out of the way, or donate it to someone who needs it. Hopefully that won't happen though.

@SemiFeralDalek I haven't. Have you any experience with them? I didn't even know they existed until my husband looked it up and told me a couple of months ago. I just booked a scan every week/2 weeks until week 20 to keep myself vaguely sane, then they realised we should have been consultant led all this time with extra monitoring. Since then I've felt better about the pregnancy because we're being monitored, and now I can feel him I don't go into every scan wondering if he's still alive because I can feel he is. But I'm finally starting to think beyond pregnancy now, and just a bit worried that I'll feel like he's not really mine if he is ok. I still feel like I'm lying when I say I'm pregnant, even though I clearly obviously am pregnant!

Hiya, I didn't have any losses before the birth of my son but still felt very detached - it was just such a big change to get my head around I think. We found at birth that my son has some challenges and had a few weeks in NICU. Not sure how much was the circumstances and how much was just 'normal' for me but I didn't really get that rush of love until he started smiling and interacting with us. I was fiercely protective of him from birth but the mushy love feeling just took me longer. I'm definitely going to be less critical of my emotions this time!

@PurpleRaven777 sometimes I think I would have probably found it a little hard to comprehend there's actually a baby in there, even if this was my first pregnancy! But I think I would have been more excited to meet him, whereas now I'm just hoping I get to and preparing baby stuff 'just in case' we do get to bring him home.

I'm sorry your son was in NICU, I hope things are better now