Mumsnet Talk

i'm 18 weeks pregnant and my best friend recently found out she was pregnant (bout 2-3 weeks) but a few days later started bleeding and had strong like period pains. i have been through a miscarriage myself when i was 8 weeks so know how she must be feeling (this would be her second baby) and i've tried to be there for her but she won't talk to me about it and they wonmt scan her till she's 5 weeks at least. am i being silly in thinking she's not talking to me coz i'm pregnant? she did something similar when i was a few weeks coz she has a heart problem n was told she may not be able to have any more so she wouldnt talk to me bout my pregnancy at all and even told me she didnt want to see my scan pics. when she was told she could after all she started talking to me bout pregnancy again and saw my pics but now shes being all distant with me again. all i'm trying to do is be a good friend and support her but feel like she doesnt want to talk to me. really awkward thing is im going to her wedding next weekend, i really don't want her to be funny with me. what can i do? please no nasty comments just help/advice please xx

can i add also, i saw her scan pics when i had my miscarriage x

She is doing what she can and what she needs to to get through a difficult time. This isn't about you, give her time and space and she'll come back.

Don't try and force your pregnancy on her, she's obviously having a tough ime dealing with it as it is, just be the friend you were before you were pregnant and talk about different things, the upcoming wedding being the perfect thing!

i know it's not about me but just feel a bit upset that she's being so funny with me about it. she forgets that i had an awful miscarriage, had to have it removed also and yet i was still there for her when she was pregnant with her daughter. she hasn't been there for me at all and all i've done is try to support her with her health problems, was happy for her when she fell pg again and so so upset for her when she told me bout the pain n bleeding and its making me feel like i cant be excited about my baby. i have had a very bad time lately and dont feel like i can talk to her about it incase i upset her. i always think of her but feel she doesnt do the same :-/ x

I think you are expecting her to act how you did and she isn't. She's doing what she wants to do in her own time and in her own way.

Accept that right now she isn't ready to talk to you or accept your support and back away.
Let her know you care by all means with a message or card but don't turn this into an expectation that she'll respond.
Give her time and space - I doubt a women going through a miscarriage will want to discuss it with her pregnant friends. She may want to be alone, just with her partner or with her non pg friends.
Have some empathy and understand that its painful for her to see you with your successful pregnancy.

Agree with savoy everyone deals with upsetting situations differently I can't comment specifically on this as its never happened to me but when I went through a difficult time with my health and very serious illness I closed down I couldn't bring myself to speak to anyone even my best friend I deal with issues internally maybe your friend does the same. Let her know you are there for her but please don't pressure her you will push her away if it feels forced. Good luck OP

i'm not expecting her to be all "oh my god hows your pregnancy/ im so happy for you/ let me see your pics/ have you got names" etc just wish she wasnt making me feel like this and pushing me away when all i do is support her and think of her. i never mention my pregnancy unless she asks x

Speaking from experience, it may be hard for her to even be around you right now. I know thats not your fault and you shouldnt feel bad about it, but its just how she may feel. I know i did, and she may be feeling mixed emotions of feeling a bit bitter towards you/not be able to feel happy for you right now/co insiding with guilt about feeling all these things. The best thing you can do is make her aware youre there for her but not push. Shes probably aware that youre feeling this way but cant deal with it right now.

Give her time.

Look, you're having a successful, healthy pregnancy and at the moment she's in limbo.

Be the bigger person and just let her get on with coping in whatever way she needs to. It's not about you, it's about her and she doesn't have space to consider anyone else's feelings just now.

I know you're feeling like you'd be doing things differently, but she is not you. Give her some space and continue enjoying your pregnancy and counting your blessings.

And you're not supporting her if the support you're offering is not what she needs just now. If the support she needs is space to get through things in her own way then that's the support a friend would give.

she only told me this morn she didn't want to talk about it and i respected that n havn't said anything about it since. i don't think some of you realise where i'm coming from, i'm not forcing my pregnancy on her infact i have hardly spoken to her about it at all and the times i have she has asked me about it x

Your friend may have lost her baby.

You are pregnant.

For her, that hurts.

Give her time to deal with her feelings - you're still her friend albeit from a distance right now.

Stop feeling bad for yourself i'm sure she is feeling a whole lot worse right now.

So, you ask what you can do - listen to her! Believe her! She doesn't want to talk to you at the moment.

That's ok. That doesn't mean that you're not friends any more, it just means she needs some space just now. A good friend will be ok with this.

Maybe text her in a week to let her know you're thinking of her.

she's still texting me we havnt fallen out or anything to be honest i think i was taking it all the wrong way as i take things the wrong way a lot. shes my best friend n i love her like a sister think i just described it all wrong. x