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Jealousy: not sure how to deal with it

(57 Posts)
TheUglyDuckling Fri 22-Feb-13 19:42:44

I'm 10 weeks pregnant with dc3. In the past ten years I've been through an horrific marriage, a difficult divorce, basically haven't had an easy time of it. But now I have a lovely dp, we're getting married in a couple of months and we are incredibly happy.

So. My sister, got married last year, is late 30s and finally got pregnant back in November. I am so happy for her, she has no dcs and desperately wanted them, and I really hoped this was something that we'd be able to bond over.

Dp and I had already decided to try for a baby (I'm early 30s) and fell pregnant straight away. I've had previous mc, and already had bleeds and been rushed to epu this time round, but all is ok so far.

We told close family early on because I needed dm to look after the dcs when I went to hospital. My db happened to be there so called dsis to tell her so that she didn't feel she found out later. All seemed fine. Everyone happy, all good.

At ds1's birthday tea I tried to talk to her about baby stuff, tests etc, and she just told me a friend of hers recommends certain ones. End of discussion. Just cut off the conversation. I thought nothing of it. Hormones or something.

But since then it's continued. She called dm whilst I was sat next to her to discuss a pregnancy related issue. Dm asked me, I gave the answer (had it myself), dm asks if she wants to talk to me. She refuses and ignores my answer.

Dm and sil then casually tells me that Dsis has finally sorted her smp problem at work. I ask what it was about, they tell me. I say I could have explained that (I pay maternity to her profession), but she never called me.

In fact she never calls me, ignores my messages, cuts me short.

I know it's her prerogative. She doesn't have to want me involved or hear about my experiences. But she's happy to listen to sil or anyone but me.

But here's the thing; it was completely different before I told her I was pregnant. We chatted about her pregnancy she said she wanted to pick my brains etc.

It just feels like when we were kids and it's more of "ugly is always copying me! I'm pregnant and now she is!"

There's no competition, this isn't my first, I've done it all before smile

I really wanted this to bring us closer. But that's clearly not going to happen. It could be hormones, but I'm just so sad.

She never called to see how the epu went. I don't think she cares.

She was very unsympathetic when I had the mc. Told me she wouldn't have overreacted like I did.

Sorry for all the irrelevant info, didn't want to dripfeed. Have name changed.

Thanks if you got through that.

Is there anything I can do to fix this?

TheUglyDuckling Mon 25-Feb-13 17:24:14

Wantanorange, I know it sounds like that, but I'm giving you my internal thoughts. Outwardly I smiled and engaged, and I didn't mention it to them.

I accepted years ago that dsis is much closer to db than me. It was always like that (db is as close to both of us IYSWIM). But that said dsis and I have our own relationship. Which I value.

WantAnOrange Mon 25-Feb-13 18:37:06

Fair enough, I think everyone feels like that sometimes.

TheUglyDuckling Mon 25-Feb-13 18:40:57

Oh and I'm fully aware my feelings are OTT at the moment grin

I really appreciate all the feedback.

philbee Tue 26-Feb-13 11:49:39

Sounds a bit like my sis, although she's not pg. She hasn't mentioned my being pg since I told her via email (she was away) and got a lovely response back. Same for last pg, although she was very kind when I miscarried. I have no idea why she's like that, but I don't feel like saying anything, although it does hurt. She is top dog in terms of parental attention so when I've mentioned it to them they've dismissed it. Tbh she doesn't ask me about anything else in my life either. I hoped with DD she'd get more interested after she was born but it hasn't really happened. Her loss.

I think you are grieving for a relationship you imagined but doesn't match reality. Your sis obviously doesn't want that relationship for whatever reason. I'd leave it tbh, there doesn't seem much point confronting her. If others realise she is being off with you you have their support already and that's what's important. I hope you can do more once the babies are born.

PuggyMum Wed 06-Mar-13 20:26:01

Hi Duckling,

Just wondering if you were ok and if things are any better?

TheUglyDuckling Thu 07-Mar-13 07:25:17

Philbee, think you're right about the grieving thing

Puggymum, thanks for thinking of me smile no it's not gotten better. Was invited around to my parents' last week. Didn't know dsis would be there too, but got there and it was the same again. Anytime I spoke she spoke over me and rubbished what I'd said. So I just shut up.

Unfortunately I am seen as a 'coper' whilst she is seen as more delicate, so for me to say anything or point out the rudeness would be seen as me attacking her.

I haven't mentioned babies at all, just in case that was the trigger, but it hasn't made a difference.

She didn't speak directly to me at all.

DB and SIL were lovely though. And DM and DF seemed to be making a special effort to see I was ok. So I do wonder if it's been noted or not.

I can't avoid seeing her at family things, but I'm just going to distance myself and rise above it. It's not worth the stress

But it does make me sad.

PuggyMum Sun 10-Mar-13 16:59:16

Hi Duckling, I'd written a response on Friday but it obviously didn't post. Grrr.

Sorry to hear things are no better with your sister.

My own sister is 6 years older than me and I am 9 weeks pg. in choosing my moment carefully to tell her as it can go one way or the other. We are close but every now and again she turns into the green eyed monster (freely admits it though!) and she has got violent with me before!

She's away this weekend so I took my mum out for lunch and told her with scan photo in her card... I even said I'm glad sister couldn't make it and mum agreed!

This is a happy time for you and I really hope things improve. Keep posting here if you need to and I hope your early worries are behind you.

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