You can't possibly make me feel worse than I already do, trust me.
I am finally pregnant (34+4) after years of being told by docs that my endometriosis was too severe to successfully carry a child. I have had three miscarriages, two early mcs and one during second trimester. I suffered with PTSD and became fixated with the idea of having a baby. My DH has two children from a previous marriage, a boy (9) and a girl (14), both of whom are lovely and spend lots of time with us. He never really wanted any more children, seeing them as a big factor in the break up of his previous marriage, but he knew it was important to me and came around to the idea when he saw how much it meant to me and how different our relationship dynamic is to that of him and his ex wife.
All my life, I have pictured having a girl. I can't pin down why exactly. It was just me and my sister growing up, maybe that's why. Every time I dreamed I was pregnant, it was a girl. Every time I imagined being a mum (which was a LOT) it was to a little girl. All my cousins were girls, bar one. I found out that the baby I lost was a girl... I imagine what she would have looked like in my head all the time.
Now I am pregnant, everything is looking fine and dandy, we don't know the sex... but I'm convinced it's a boy. And I genuinely thought I was fine with this! All along I've called the baby "he" and told people I suspected it was a little boy, and not once did it upset me. But we went for our 32 week scan and I am POSITIVE I saw a little willy on the screen... My heart sank, absolutely plummeted, and all I wanted to do was cry. Hubby and I have not discussed it, as far as he knows I'm still convinced it's a boy and delighted with that fact.
I've had two weeks to think this over... part of me still knows and feels like it doesn't matter, I'm one of the lucky ones who has a baby after so many years of heartache... but I've had to take a good, hard look at my deepest thoughts and fears to try and work out why I am so upset.
I am upset because I know this is the only baby I will ever have. My husband is already talking seriously about getting his tubes tied (and who can blame him after three children) - and even if he were open to it, the chances of my body being able to do this successfully again are slim to none. This baby really is a miracle baby. So, there's no talk of "next time" for us. I am upset because I built up my idea of motherhood from such a young age around the idea of a mother-daughter bond... I have no idea what a bond with a son will be like, having never seen it around me as a child. I am upset because I look at parents and the relationship they have with their sons and daughters as they grow up and get on with their lives, and see that mothers are so much closer to their daughters than their sons. My hubby would easily go a month without speaking to his mother without thinking anything of it, whereas barely three days go by where I don't text or phone mine. We are so close, and I wanted that, so desperately!
I just feel so very suddenly overwhelmed and heartbroken, and feel even guiltier for feeling that way in the first place considering how long we've fought for our little miracle. It's not MY baby I don't want - I already love my little one more than life itself - what I am mourning is the idea of what I thought I would have, letting that go and being able to picture a new kind of relationship.
I am not looking to be judged, I just needed to put these feelings somewhere because I am afraid to tell the people I know, especially my husband. Does anyone have any lovely stories about boys as babies/children, or even stories about men and their mothers still being close? Any help would be very, very gratefully recieved, as I am still in shock that I feel this way after all this time.
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Pregnancy
Gender disappointment - please, no flaming
phoenixrose314 · 02/02/2013 15:40
My DH (one of two boys) speaks to his mother everyday, and is (sometimes infuriatingly for me) very close to her. They are like two peas in a pod. I ring my mother once a week (often just because I feel I should), and often run out of things to say. We are very different and have little in common, so have drifted apart a little as I have gotten older. Partly because she can be judgmental about my choices.
I really don't think gender is the best determinant of the sort of relationship you will have with your child. I think this sort of thinking is an outdated old wives tale - 'a son's a son until he finds a wife' etc. I don't think this is true.
Your relationship with your child will best be shaped by how you raise him (if it is a him, I thought I saw man-bits on my 20 week scan last week, only to be told that if it was he would be the most well-hung baby ever....we're not finding out the sex either).
I don't think you should ignore or feel guilty about these feelings, just try to see them for what they are...a misconception.
Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy....not long now! 
I do sympathise, I really do. I had enormous difficulties adjusting to actually being successfully pregnant after a series of losses, and became fixated on various 'problems' that were not really problems iyswim.
You are having a person, not a gender. A unique, original, fantastic PERSON. I always imagined myself having girls, and I had a boy first. I cannot tell you how much I love him
Do hope you feel better soon, and congratulations X
I think I have felt the same as you, it was always my most wonderful dream to have a little girl. My parents had 7gc -ALL of them girls! Then I discovered I was having a boy. I'm embarrassed about the feelings I had, I was so sulky and miserable and I thought "trust me to have a BOY when all my sisters have had lovely little girls" (the only boy in our family had been a proper terror so the experience I had with boys was not positive)
I hid my feelings, and never voiced them to anyone.
I'm so glad I had the time from the 20 week scan to adjust and get used to the idea, as I think I'd have been upset after the birth to discover the sex then.
It took me a few days to fall in love with DS, which made me panic a bit, as I'd expecte dit to be instantaneous, but I DID fall in love with him, and he's been an absolute darling in my life.
When I found out I was expecting my third child (having had a girl and a boy) I really didn't care what the sex was, but still did feel a little moment of loss for the sex I wasn't having!
The only thing I found difficult at first was getting excited about boys' clothes and toys he was interested in, I'd never even heard of Ben10! :)
Keep us updated, I'm sure you will feel emotions for your little baby hit you like a truck, and you will fall head over heels inlove and never imagine your life without your baby in it.
Congratulations :) and 
I do think a big part of it is grieving for the girl I lost... Five years later and still not finished mourning.
^^ There's no reason why you ought to have finished mourning. 
I had a scan at 37 + 2 with my first pregnancy and was convinced I'd seen a willy. When DD was born I was totally astonished!
For my second child I had a vague wish for a sister for my DD. I have only brothers and always wanted a sister. We found out at the 20 week scan that DC2 was a boy and I spent the rest of the pregnancy feeling a bit put out about it. However, once he was born, I adored him completely. He is a complete joy.
I hope the rest of your pregnancy is peaceful and as comfortable as possible. I'm sure your gender worries will be forgotten when you're cuddling a lovely soft newborn human.
You could be describing my feelings when I found out the sex of my first baby. It was a girl. Words cannot describe how much I wanted a boy; I was devastated. It's not something you can admit to in many circles; hardly any in fact.
I now know I was suffering from ante-natal depression. All my fears and anxieties about having a child were projected onto the gender of the baby. I hated, hated women who were pregnant with boys as I so desperately wanted one. I didn't like girls and felt that my life was ruined. I thought that I would never accept it.
I had counselling with the ante-natal counsellor attached to the hospital- think about speaking to your midwife about this. Interestingly, my counsellor said that she had seen lots of couples, particularly mothers who had experienced gender disappointment after years of infertility, miscarriages and IVF. In a way, she said that they had had more time to construct an image of 'their child' in their head, and had naturally ascribed it a gender. Most commonly, the imagined child was a girl and they were pregnant with twin boys. I was green with envy at the thought of them having boys. I felt like a failure who had spoiled my life.
I also had to face up to a lot of issues of my own- including my own relationship with my mother and issues I had with my own gender. It was my biggest soul-search to date, and one I am very glad I did- there are positives to feeling the way you do in terms of getting to know yourself and dealing with issues before your baby is born, even if you can't see or feel them now.
And then she was born... and she wasn't a boy, but she wasn't 'a girl' either. She was mine. She was an Angie.
I still felt disappointed, but every day the disappointment lessened and was replaced by love for her. It wasn't an instantaneous process, but I fell utterly and hopelessly in love with her in a way which I could not have anticipated. You cannot know how you will feel once your baby is born; don't try, it's impossible. Just know that you will love him, and you will love him a thousand times more than your imagined daughter. Have faith in that.
I am now in a place where I would not swap her for any other child of either gender, and have even had another girl and feel my family is complete.
Good luck
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