Would you like to be on Mumsnet's research panel? We're especially keen for parents-to-be and new parents to join. You can sign up here - there's (nearly) always a great incentive on offer for your views.

Gender disappointment - please, no flaming

(79 Posts)

You can't possibly make me feel worse than I already do, trust me.

I am finally pregnant (34+4) after years of being told by docs that my endometriosis was too severe to successfully carry a child. I have had three miscarriages, two early mcs and one during second trimester. I suffered with PTSD and became fixated with the idea of having a baby. My DH has two children from a previous marriage, a boy (9) and a girl (14), both of whom are lovely and spend lots of time with us. He never really wanted any more children, seeing them as a big factor in the break up of his previous marriage, but he knew it was important to me and came around to the idea when he saw how much it meant to me and how different our relationship dynamic is to that of him and his ex wife.

All my life, I have pictured having a girl. I can't pin down why exactly. It was just me and my sister growing up, maybe that's why. Every time I dreamed I was pregnant, it was a girl. Every time I imagined being a mum (which was a LOT) it was to a little girl. All my cousins were girls, bar one. I found out that the baby I lost was a girl... I imagine what she would have looked like in my head all the time.

Now I am pregnant, everything is looking fine and dandy, we don't know the sex... but I'm convinced it's a boy. And I genuinely thought I was fine with this! All along I've called the baby "he" and told people I suspected it was a little boy, and not once did it upset me. But we went for our 32 week scan and I am POSITIVE I saw a little willy on the screen... My heart sank, absolutely plummeted, and all I wanted to do was cry. Hubby and I have not discussed it, as far as he knows I'm still convinced it's a boy and delighted with that fact.

I've had two weeks to think this over... part of me still knows and feels like it doesn't matter, I'm one of the lucky ones who has a baby after so many years of heartache... but I've had to take a good, hard look at my deepest thoughts and fears to try and work out why I am so upset.

I am upset because I know this is the only baby I will ever have. My husband is already talking seriously about getting his tubes tied (and who can blame him after three children) - and even if he were open to it, the chances of my body being able to do this successfully again are slim to none. This baby really is a miracle baby. So, there's no talk of "next time" for us. I am upset because I built up my idea of motherhood from such a young age around the idea of a mother-daughter bond... I have no idea what a bond with a son will be like, having never seen it around me as a child. I am upset because I look at parents and the relationship they have with their sons and daughters as they grow up and get on with their lives, and see that mothers are so much closer to their daughters than their sons. My hubby would easily go a month without speaking to his mother without thinking anything of it, whereas barely three days go by where I don't text or phone mine. We are so close, and I wanted that, so desperately!

I just feel so very suddenly overwhelmed and heartbroken, and feel even guiltier for feeling that way in the first place considering how long we've fought for our little miracle. It's not MY baby I don't want - I already love my little one more than life itself - what I am mourning is the idea of what I thought I would have, letting that go and being able to picture a new kind of relationship.

I am not looking to be judged, I just needed to put these feelings somewhere because I am afraid to tell the people I know, especially my husband. Does anyone have any lovely stories about boys as babies/children, or even stories about men and their mothers still being close? Any help would be very, very gratefully recieved, as I am still in shock that I feel this way after all this time.

IrnBruTheNoo Mon 04-Feb-13 10:14:41

"and see that mothers are so much closer to their daughters than their sons"

This is not always the case, sadly. I am not close to my own mother. I do phone her but more out of obligation, rather than because I've a close relationship with her. We have very little in common.

I have two boys. And I won't lie that during both of those pregnancies I didn't have the odd pang about whether or not one of them was going to be a girl. But in between both of them, I had a MMC and that was enough for me to realise that life is precious and the gender is so irrelevant. It's just a fantasy in your head, that's all. Once your baby (boy or girl) is in your arms, the gender will mean nothing to you both.

Lots of supportive posts here, much better than others having a go at you, OP. What a lovely thread to read. Good luck with everything, we're all here for you to talk any time x

jellybeans Mon 04-Feb-13 13:26:44

I wasn't bothered at all with my 1st one. But after having DD1 I really wanted another girls with DC2. Mainly as I had enjoyed my DD so much and also have no brothers and not good relationships with boys growing up. My friends all had boys and were so negative about them they said they were 'desperate for a girl' and I was so lucky etc etc. My mother and grandmother continually went on and on about how much nicer girls were and how boys cleared off as adults. I am ashamed to say i 'felt sorry' for those with just boys at one point blush. But this was just ignorance on my part.

Many years later I have 2 DDs and 3DSs. I went through 2 stillbirths and other early losses which also taught me that it was lucky to have a baby of any gender. Well it was only when I had my own boys (twin DSs first) that I realised how fab they were and they were every bit as fab as having a DD. I enjoyed everything just as much, even the toys and clothes people seem so negative about! I was over the moon when DC5 was a DS! And would happily have more of them!

Poonli Mon 04-Feb-13 13:47:05

I'm pregnant with my first and have no idea of the gender yet. However, I'm not really close to either of my parents. I've always kind of done my own thing. My husband on the other hand is definately a 'mummy's boy'. he speaks to his mum pretty much every day.

I have a niece and nephew whom I am very close to and its actually my nephew who I am closer to. He gives the best cuddles!

I think when you have your baby in your arms, the gender wont matter. You'll just have love for each other.

ginabelle Sat 30-Mar-13 13:00:08

Just wondered if you got your little girl ?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now