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Advice: Expect the worst, because it WILL happen. Or, you know, not...

(56 Posts)
purrpurr Thu 13-Dec-12 14:13:26

I reeeeeeeeeeeeeally need to get this off my chest or I am going to explode everywhere.

My friends and parents seem to be keen to lead me down a particular conversation path, which goes something like this:

"Ooooh soooo are you prepared for the baby yet?"
"I hope so, I've been - "
"Because you shouldn't expect to be able to breastfeed, I wasn't, I only managed it for 2 minutes/24 hours/3 weeks and I got mastitis and my boobs fell off and there was BLOOD EVERYWHERE and I had milk coming out of my ears and OH MY GOD my boobs were like concrete slabs and oh the PAIN -"
"Right, er, well, thanks, I mean, I'm open to breast feeding and formula, it needs to work for me and the baby, so -"
"Oh and you won't produce enough milk anyway, especially if your baby is horribly premature and you've been unable to deliver after being in labour for THREE WEEKS and you've ended up having a C section, god my scar was terrible -"
"You'll want them to induce you, mark my words. Get that baby out quick smart. Before it dies or you die. God. Bloody dangerous business having children. AND don't think it'll sleep through the night, you didn't sleep at ALL until YOU WERE FIVE..."

WHY are these people so keen for me to be ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIED of child birth and being a new mum? Why do they get so angry? Why should I spend the rest of my pregnancy scared shitless? If it is really that bad, why did they have multiple children? Why do people get so angry when I say I want to consider the options available to me, and set out to try to ensure I am fully aware that breastfeeding is IMPOSSIBLE and I might as well go straight to formula? Why do people keep telling me I'll have a 'tiny premature' baby when I'm normal-sized and nothing yet suggests I'm growing something that'll need to go into an incubator? WHY WHY WHY am I not allowed to even HOPE that I might have a fairly normal labour and delivery, and that my baby might actually be healthy, and might like my breastmilk, and that I might be able to breastfeed for longer than five minutes? I KNOW it's hard. Stop ramming it down my throat. PLEASE!

rainrainandmorerain Sat 15-Dec-12 20:55:20

purrpurr - I never felt any movement until 22 plus weeks with my 1st. No problems at all. I'm 20 weeks now and may have felt something, it may be wind, who knows!

i think you need to find a way of dealing with negative comments. You are now talking about 'evil' and anticipating people watching and judging your inevitable failures as a new mum. Come on now. And btw, while mn CAN be a huge source of advice and support.... you will get judgement and unwanted criticism here too. It just happens.

My guess is that you are excited and looking forward to your new baby, and new life, and are also bloody terrified too. Which i think is entirely normal btw, and is fine to admit it - but of course it makes you more vulnerable to negative comments. Cos, you know.... what if they're right!

And so on. You dont't know what parenthood will be like for you. No one does. that's the simple truth, and no amount of positive/negative comments will make any difference. All you can do is your best, and see what life brings you.

The most important bit - only, really - of advice i give is not to plan too much, and to give yourself permission to feel whatever it is you end up feeling. I do wince when I hear first time mums to be saying 'i'll have dc sleeping through by 6 weeks old/will be back at work 3 months later/WILL do this/WON'T do that' - because they just don't see how radically their life will change, and how this small bundle of love and chaos becomes central to their lives and identity. And it is a huge experience which does change people. It should do.

If you want to get away from 'advice', which may have some sort of agenda ('I did x and was unhappy so you will be too' sort of thing) - then why not go over and lurk on some of the post-natal club threads on MN? No one will be interested in you personally, they won't even known you are there! but it will be some sort of look at life after birth from new mothers who are just sharing experiences and looking for support from each other. You get a very broad picture of it all there, and that might be helpful.

So funny, and so true!

Upon telling a close friend that I was pregnant (about 6 weeks gone), she proceded to tell me her labour story and how she lost her dignity/hated BF/her boobs exploded with blood et etc, and that labour stopped her from ever wanting another child.

Just what I needed to hear.

TheCountessOlenska Sat 15-Dec-12 21:36:37

Good post rainrainandmorerain

Hope you're ok OP, really try not to let it stress you out and spoil your experience of pregnancy. Yes there will be ups and downs ahead but it's so worth it smile

Just to add my positive story - Sailed through pregnancy and childbirth, breastfeeding easy once we got the hang of it. Yes I was landed with The Baby Who Would Not Sleep but it was a good excuse to eat cake in my pjs for a year and demand sympathy from everyone!

purrpurr Sat 15-Dec-12 21:44:15

Ok, the idea of being able to eat cake in my pjs for a year has well and truly cheered me up! smile

Rain you sound like my mum - well what my mum should have sounded like (she's normally wonderful but has been one of the people to tell me horror stories and squash me whenever I've been remotely excited) thank you so much for your post. I do need to get a grip I think. I think though just being able to say 'I feel miserable and waaah' on what has become a very supportive thread for me made me feel better - I went away, wrapped all of my christmas presents and did two loads of laundry, more than I've done all day, so it obviously helped to let off some steam and be a proper grump! I really do appreciate all the wonderful support I've had on here. Thank you xx

rainrainandmorerain Sat 15-Dec-12 22:00:08

I am impressed by the laundry OP, you must be feeling better!

Come back and let us know how your 20 week scan goes. Mine is next week too. They are a bit nervewracking, I do sympathise.

I didn't feel any movement till about 22 weeks, I think that's normal especially if you have an anterior placenta (which you won't find out about till the scan).

I am 34 weeks with DC1 and my mum told me the other day that since I have had an easy pregnancy I am guaranteed a difficult birth. Cheers mum hmm

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